RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/3

Summary

Bell starts dating again.

Cast: Im a bell, Craeft Aetlaenes,

BLUEBRY: KING OF ATLANTIS

Vince Gagoman, Bling, Tracy, Kuro, Female Hippie, Hobo 1, Very Old Woman, Hobo 2, Blonde Woman, Drunken Child, Fat Woman, Male Bodybuilder, Two Policemen, Sarah McAllister, Detective

Places: Unknown Bedroom, Bell's Room, Fancy Restaurant

Episode Information: 103-When Dating, Don't Say You Live With Your Mom

BLUEBRY: Failure to Launch

NOXIGAR: "Quick! Name another shitty romance movie!"

Insult: diminished mayonnaise fruitbats

Credit Joke: Stewie Griffin

Transcript

{fade from black to Bell waking up in a bed}

IM A BELL: Ugh. What'd I do last night? {looks offscreen startled}

BLUEBRY: PARTY-ING

{pan out to show Craeft sleeping beside him}

SKULLB: RECORDS OF BELL: OEDIPAL PANTIES

NOXIGAR: Oedipal isn't a word. I dare Raiku to look it up in a dictionary.

IM A BELL:{startled} I'm starting to remember...

{cue theme song, cut to Bell sleeping in his own bed. A digital clock beside him reads "1:30 PM"}

VINCE GAGOMAN:{kicking Bell} WAKE UP! ...It's not working, guys.

SKULLB: Who's this dipsh*t?

NOXIGAR: Somebody.

BLING:{starts bashing Bell in the head with a muffler} Neither is this.

TRACY:{starts punching Bell in the stomach} Nor this.

DON SKULL: Let me try. {charges skull cannon, fires into Bell, causing him to fly into the wall, bounce off it into Don Skull, who runs him over}

SKULLB: Do I have one of those cannons?

NOXIGAR: In this show, you do. That's how cannon those cannons are.

IM A BELL:{wakes up} AAAH! I'M AWAKE, I'M AWAKE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?

KURO: Bell, look. We like having you around all the time, but I think you need to start dating. You've grieved over your wife long enough.

IM A BELL: NO I HAVEN'T! Besides, I don't know how to date.

BLUEBRY: I ordered my wife on the Internet.
SKULLB: How is this not surprising coming from Bell?

TRACY: Just act the way you did when you met my mom.

IM A BELL: We were destroying the same city and we fell in love.

SKULLB: uugh

{Noxigar groans imitatingly}
NOXIGAR: I was expecting a retch. Good job surprising me.

TRACY: Oh. That'll be a problem... Tell you what. We'll set you up with some dates.

IM A BELL: Blind dates? Okay, as long as they aren't actually blind.

BLUEBRY: OH IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT
SKULLB: IF I COULD SEE YOU SO HELP ME I'D TEAR YOU A NEW ONE

NOXIGAR: HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER IS COOL- No it isn't I hate that shit and can only commend Neil Patrick Harris on doing a good job acting.

TRACY: Don't worry. We wouldn't do that to you.

IM A BELL: Good.

TRACY: At least, not now that you've said that.

IM A BELL: ... {punches Tracy in the face}

SKULLB: Now that's what I call a punchline! ...

NOXIGAR: GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! A PUNCH.

{cut to a booth in a fancy restaurant. A hobo is staring in the window. A large, brown building across the street reads "The IRS "We Take Everything"".

BLUEBRY: pfft Republicans

NOXIGAR: They're responsible for idiots such as Sarah Palin. They're some serious shit.

After every date, it cuts to the next. Date 1; A female hippie. A bowl of soup is in front of Bell, who is in Pure Watashi form, but his pants, wristbands, and t-shirt are black}

HIPPIE WOMAN:{rambling illegible nonsense. The most coherent words are "tree", "forest", "cute animals", and "vegan"}

SKULLB: THIS IS WHAT HIPPIES TALK ABOUT

NOXIGAR: How incredibly dated of that statement.

IM A BELL:{annoyed and tired} Uh huh... {a tentacle appears out from under Bell's bell and drinks the soup's broth like a straw}

BLUEBRY: Charming.

HIPPIE WOMAN:{screams}

{Date 2; An old woman. A bowl of soup is in front of her. The hobo outside the window is now being stared at by another hobo}

IM A BELL: Um, ma'am? You haven't said anything this entire date.

OLD WOMAN:{keels over in soup}

IM A BELL: ...

SKULLB: Cheer up, Bell! At least she won't say "no" now!

NOXIGAR: Um, I thought that was a 4chan joke until I realized that SkullB. was saying it. Oh wait. That's not the important part.

{Date 3; A blonde woman. Bell seems to like her. Hobo 2 is chewing on Hobo 1's head}

BLONDE WOMAN: Oh, did I mention I have VD?

BLUEBRY: VD is not a separate disease

IM A BELL:{disgusted} ... {raises hand} CHECK PLEASE!

SKULLB: CONDOMS ARE FOR PUSSIES

{Date 4; Drunken little girl. Four empty beer bottles are in front of her. Bell is stupefied. Hobo 1 walks offscreen angrily, with Hobo 2 staring at him}

IM A BELL: ...How old are you?

SKULLB: "I hope you're old enough to go all the way!"

NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY!

{Date 5; Fat woman. Hobo 1 is beating Hobo 2 offscreen with a bat. There is now blood splattered on the window. Bell walks onscreen wearing a "NO FAT CHICKS" T-shirt. The fat woman is disgusted, and walks off. Date 6; Male body builder. There are now two policemen outside the window looking downward at the offscreen carnage. Hobo 1 is nowhere to be found}

IM A BELL:{annoyed} ...I'M NOT GAY, GUYS!

SKULLB: You might as well be!

NOXIGAR: Oh, and who complains when someone is using memes?

{Date 7; Woman with white hair stretching to her hips with five spikes in front; two blue two red and one black, long legs, dark green t-shirt, and light blue jeans.

BLUEBRY: SKINNY JEANS ARE SO SCENE

NOXIGAR: So was that indie coffee shop, and the MacBooks, and- DAMN IT, I'M OVER THE JOKE'S HEAD AND THE STRAW DROPPED FROM MY GRASP.

There is a martini in front of Bell and a bottle of beer in front of the woman. Bell seems to be in love with her. Now there is only a detective staring downward outside the window, disgusted}

SKULLB: He's so disgusted by Bell he can't even look at him.

WOMAN: Hi. I'm Sarah McAllister.

IM A BELL: I'm Imothy Bellstrom. You can call me Bell. Nice to meet you, Sarah.

SARAH MCALLISTER: Same to you.

IM A BELL: So, um, ah... S-so, are you goth or something-

BLUEBRY: EMO-SCENO

NOXIGAR: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL SYNONYMS IN TERMS OF THE CONTEXT.

SARAH: No, why?

IM A BELL: Well, I was referring to your white hair and that tattoo.

SARAH: Well, except for the spikes, this hair is natural, and my tattoo- {pivots torso to show a red skull tattoo on her right arm} -is just because I like carnage.

SKULLB: Then I might as well get breast implants just because I like breasts.

NOXIGAR: Um, you're a robot. Breast implants don't work that way for you.

IM A BELL: Huh. That's pretty interesting! I like death as well!

SKULLB: Ooh! I've gotta write that one down.

Um, do you have any other tattoos?

SARAH: One, but if I showed it to you, I'd probably get kicked out of this restaurant.

BLUEBRY: ...OH I GET IT ew
SKULLB: ahahahaha gross

IM A BELL: ...Say, do you have any reality-bending powers and/or are immortal?

SARAH: No, no reality bending powers. And I'm immoral, but not immortal.

IM A BELL: Well, I do.

SARAH:{amused} Oh really? Prove it.

IM A BELL: Okay, I will. Hmm... {notices the IRS building outside the window} Aha! Watch that building! {claps hands, the IRS building explodes into a mushroom cloud, startling the detective, giving him a heart attack}

SKULLB: EVERY F***ING EPISODE IS LIKE THIS

NOXIGAR: Uh-huh. Well, I'll take that at face value since YOU WERE IN ALL OF THEM.

SARAH: Whoa. Wow, I guess you DO have reality bending powers. Y'know, I kinda like you, Bell.

IM A BELL: R-really?

BLUEBRY: you seem nervous for someone that just exploded a building

SARAH: Yeah!

{cut to an hour later. The detective is gone, and there are empty plates on the table}

IM A BELL: So, um... D-d'you wanna go back to my place?

SARAH: ...Sure, why not?

{cut to outside the restaurant. Bell and Sarah walk out}

IM A BELL: TAXI!

{a taxi pulls up. Bell and Sarah get in. Cut to Bell's room/attic Bell and Sarah walk onscreen}

IM A BELL: Well, here's my room.

SARAH: You live in an attic?

SKULLB: Better or worse than the basement? U DECIDE

NOXIGAR: Nah, I'll let everyone else's social standards decide since they matter.

IM A BELL: Yeah, so?

SARAH: No reason. ...Say, I just thought of something. What's under that bell?

IM A BELL: If I told you, you might freak out.

SKULLB: Underneath is a pockmarked 13 year-old with a greasy ponytail, I'm betting.

SARAH: I've seen a lot of strange things in my life, like a battle with some rapidly shape shifting weirdo and his friends versus a demon, who at the end of the battle transformed into a human.

SKULLB: excuse me

NOXIGAR: princess

IM A BELL: ...I was the "shape shifting weirdo" you we're referring to.

SARAH: Oh. S-sorry.

IM A BELL: It's fine. ...Well, I might as well show you my real face. But, I have to revert to my normal form. {reverts to normal Bell, removes bell}

SARAH: ... Erm... {lunges at Bell, makes out with him}

SKULLB: Nobody in real life ever would do this ever

NOXIGAR: I know. This is one reason why I hate romance films.

{cut to the next morning in Bell's kitchen. Bell is eating an omelette with a cup of blood beside it}

SKULLB: BLOOD OH HOW DEVILISHLY WACKY HE MUST BE EVIL OR SOMETHING!!!!!!

TRACY: So? How'd the dates go?

IM A BELL: The first six were... unorthodox... But the last one went pretty well.

TRACY: Yeah, I know. She told me.

IM A BELL: How'd she tell you?

TRACY: Sarah works at Malifact & Malifact in the cubicle next to mine.

BLUEBRY: She's a lawyer-what

IM A BELL: Well, thanks for setting me up a date with her.

TRACY: You're welcome, dad. So, I heard you made out with her after the date.

BLUEBRY: THOSE TWO SENTENCES DO NOT GO TOGETHER

NOXIGAR: Actually sentence-verb agreement would disagree- DAMN IT, WRONG CONTEXT. Ridiculous, I say!

IM A BELL: Yep.

TRACY: Y'know, I could get you her phone number and address if you want.

IM A BELL: No thanks.

TRACY: NO THANKS? Why not?

IM A BELL: I already got them!

BLUEBRY: You slyyyyyyyyy dog

{both of them laugh. Cue credits}

SKULLB: It's a crappy ending!

NOXIGAR: I agree.