RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/27

Summary

It's a Records of Bell Christmas!

CHWOKA: Anime Night
SKULLB: White Crapmas
BLUEBRY: Jingle Bell Rock

Cast:

Places:

BLUEBRY: detailed

NOXIGAR: Or maybe they're just insignificant for the duration of this holiday special.

Insult: tarballs

Credit Joke: Obviously Definitely Maybe Not You

Episode Information: 503-Never Buy Your Wife "Super Football Bros." For Christmas

SKULLB: B-but how could nerds hate football? It beggars belief, it does.

NOXIGAR: Perhaps his wife isn't a nerd? It would make sense...

Transcript

{open to the house. Tracy and MB are there}

TRACY: Mmm, boy, my lips are gettin' heavy.

SKULLB: That sounds like some sort of innuendo.

MATURE BLING: I can't tell when you're telling the truth.

BLUEBRY: i just ignore most things (s?)he says

NOXIGAR: That explains why half your jokes miss the point! Wow, I didn't get it before!

TRACY: I'm not.

MATURE BLING: How do I know anything you've said to me is-

TRACY: You don't.

BLUEBRY: you know lying is a sin
CHWOKA: Polygraph.

{cue opening theme. Cut to a park. The ground is covered in snow.

CHWOKA: Wait, it's winter now? I could have sworn it was not winter last episode.

NOXIGAR: Obviously some time has passed in between episodes.

The castmembers walk in}

CHWOKA: Or out.

IM A BELL: Ah, what a lovely winter day.

SARAH: Yes, perfect for a walk in a park.

DON SKULL: True...

{pause five seconds}

IM A BELL: ...God, my writing sucks.

BLUEBRY: yeah
SKULLB: OH YOU FRICKIN' THINK

NOXIGAR: COME ON, IM A BELL's BEEN RELYING ON STYLISTIC SUCK SINCE THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS ALREADY

DAIGO: Hey, at least this isn't as bad as Bell Quest.

SKULLB: Well okay, I can attest to that.
CHWOKA: I'd argue that the entire series is worse than Bell Quest.

NOXIGAR: Pfffffff.... oh, Chwoka. I see the lack of humour from this riff already.

IM A BELL: ...Rule 2 of Im a bell: Don't talk about Bell Quest.

BLUEBRY:

DAIGO: ...What's Rule 1?

MATURE BLING: Don't talk about Keiko.

{a single tear falls from Bell's eye}

SKULLB:

DAIGO: ...BELL QUEST BELL QUEST BELL QUEST KEIKO KEIKO KEIKO.

{Bell roundhouse kicks

SKULLB: LIKE CHUCK NORRIS DO YOU GET IT
{SkullB throws up into the seat behind him.}

NOXIGAR: Oh, I think that was just a standard roundhouse kick.

Daigo into a nearby tree, which falls on him. Cut to a while later. Daigo has a crack in his skull}

BLUEBRY: THEACTIONNEVERSTOPS

DAIGO: ...I hate you.

{Bell wellfaces}

BLUEBRY: {groans}

DAIGO: ...WHY DID I EVEN JOIN YOU?

IM A BELL: WHO IS THE ONE WITH THE WHIP?

SKULLB: Records of Bell: Sadists in Every Sense

NOXIGAR: MFT3K: Sadomasochists in Every Sense

DAIGO: I'M SORRY!

CHWOKA: "NOW LICK MY BOOTS, SLAVE!"

{cut to a few minutes later. There are some benches with various homeless people sitting on them. The castmembers walk in}

IM A BELL: Hmm... I'm feeling rather generous today. Why not we let some of these people stay at the house?

SKULLB: Why we let Obama set up death panels to let are seniors die

NOXIGAR: But the context doesn't even-

Even if just for the night.

SARAH: Well, I can see why you're feeling generous. It's Christmas Eve today, correct?

IM A BELL: ...It is? I forgot.

SKULLB: He's done it. Bell's ruined Christmas.

NOXIGAR: Actually, Christmas has been ruined since people other than claymation experts tried to make Christmas movies. But Bell would probably be included in that condition-based description anyway, so whatever.

SARAH: ...How?

IM A BELL: Blame the censors. They don't like us saying anything about beliefs. {looks to the audience} {bleep} you, censors.

CHWOKA: You don't have any censors, or editors, or even, it appears, personal filters. If you had any of those, this would not exist.

NOXIGAR: But then-

{Noxigar shakes his head}

NOXIGAR: Sometimes I wonder why I bother with these particular rant-based comments instead of the just-as-intellectually-bankrupt not-rants.

Anyways, let's see who we have here... {camera cuts to a guy with a long beard trying to grab a small child} No... {camera cuts to an old woman} No... {camera cuts to H44WP} NO. {camera cuts to a man in a white trenchcoat and a light blue fedora.

SKULLB: L-let me talk to Bell himself for a second.
CHWOKA: Go ahead.
SKULLB: Bell, fedoras are the worst hats. It's not the 1940s any more. It isn't an Indiana Jones movie. I don't care what anime made you think they're the pinnacle of fashion; they're not. I've seen several people with fedoras, and none of them looked good on them. At all.
CHWOKA: You think Bell wears a fedora himself?
BLUEBRY: wouldn't put it past him

NOXIGAR: I like fedoras...

A figure whose body is obscured by a hooded cloak is sitting beside him} Ah. You two will do.

MAN:{looks at Bell} Eh?

CLOAKED FIGURE: What? What do you want?

SKULLB: "I've got several people to flash and you're cutting into my schedule."

SARAH: We were wondering if you two-

MAN: We

CHWOKA: , the hive mind,

cannot help you with whatever it is you came here for. Please go away.

IM A BELL: ...Okay. I guess you don't want to stay at our house.

SKULLB: Nobody does.

Let's go. {turns around, starts walking away}

CLOAKED FIGURE: You fool!

BLUEBRY: he speaks just like a real homeless person!

{gets up, starts running towards Bell} WAIT!

IM A BELL:{turns around} Hmm?

CLOAKED FIGURE:

SKULLB: "Don't stray!"
BLUEBRY: SkullB I love you but that's crossing the line
SKULLB: {softly} maaaaaaaaaaaaps

I'm sorry about my friend. He is a little

CHWOKA: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
SKULLB: Hi, how do you do?

... Cold-hearted.

SKULLB: ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF THEY CALL ME PROFESSOR COLDHEART
DR. BRAINFREEZE: How did you know about my college nickname?

NOXIGAR: Wait, WHY THE FFFFFFFUUUUUUU-

DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY
YOU DO NOT THROW IN YOUR PIECE OF CRAP DR. FORRESTER RIP-OFF INTO THE SODDING RIFF. FORRESTER DOES NOT EVER RIFF ALONGSIDE THE MST3K GANG.
DOES NOT COMPUTE AT AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL

{Steam appears over Noxigar's head. Noxigar stomps on the floor below him, triggering a switch which puts a bag of ice on top of his head}

W-we would love to stay at your house tonight. Will you please reconsider?

IM A BELL: ...Well, when you put it THAT way... Sure.

CHWOKA: "Of course, you have to sign a release form first..."

Get your friend.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Yes, sir.

SKULLB: I KNEW WE'D GET ALONG RIGHT FROM THE STAAAAAAAART

{runs back to the man, grabs him, runs back to Bell}

IM A BELL: Alright! Let's go.

{cut to the 8-Bit house.

SKULLB: Home of the 2-bit cast

The cast, the man in the trenchcoat, and the hooded figure step in}

CLOAKED FIGURE: Ah. What a lovely house.

SKULLB: Don't worry, buddy, you don't need to use the wordfilter any more.

SARAH: Thank you.

MAN: Yes... Lovely...

CHWOKA: If you can't tell, this is Bell's clumsy attempt at foreshadowing.

NOXIGAR: Foreshadowing to what

IM A BELL: Well, now that we're here, I'd better introduce ourselves. I'm Imothy Bellstrom, you can call me Bell.

TRACY: I'm Tracy, Bell's son.

BLUEBRY: wait it's a guy?
SKULLB: Sure could have fooled me. Bell makes everybody sound like the same over testosterone'd man.
CHWOKA: Usually you write what you know.

SARAH: I'm Bell's wife and Tracy's stepmother, Sarah.

MATURE BLING: And I'm Bling, the family pet.

SKULLB: "We can all bend reality to our whim, by the way... except the Skullbuggies. They're God's little miracles, you know...!"

CLOAKED FIGURE: Nice to meet you all.

MAN: What're these little car things?

DON SKULL: I'm Don Skull-

DAIGO: And I'm Daigo-

DON SKULL & DAIGO: And we're

SKULLB: life partners
BLUEBRY: terrible

Skullbuggies.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Isn't there some television show about you?

DON SKULL: I believe you are referring to the SkullB Show. Technically, it's not about us, but two of our brothers.

SKULLB: ... Okay, seriously? Somebody's got some explaining to do.
CHWOKA: Casey or Jerry sold the rights to your life to be made into a TV show to a purple platypus. Don't worry, it's been cancelled.
SKULLB: Oh good.
CHWOKA: But now there's talks of a new series.

NOXIGAR: Oh, how quaint. I'd like to see this new show just TO SEE WHAT ALL THE HYPE'S about.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Ah. I see.

BLUEBRY: has anyone else noticed that all of the characters have nearly the same dialog?
CHWOKA: Truthfully, all the characters can be consolidated into two characters: Bell and Bell w/ boobs.

NOXIGAR: Bell w/ boobs? I don't remember such a character. If you're trying to refer to Sarah, then that description is not- Oh nevermind you don't care.

IM A BELL: Now that we've introduced ourselves, will you two reveal who you are?

CLOAKED FIGURE: Well... Alright. {looks at the man} You can go first.

MAN: Okay. {removes hat and trenchcoat, revealing he has long, white hair and light blue skin.

CHWOKA: OH COME THE HELL ON

He is wearing a blue shirt and blue pants}

CHWOKA: So, jeans then?

I am Jack Frost.

SKULLB: If somebody made him a really bad anime, then sure.
BLUEBRY: THE SANTA CLAUSE THREE

NOXIGAR: That wasn't an anime.

CLOAKED FIGURE: And I... {removes cloak, revealing he is an anthropomorphic crow} -am Forrest Raven, the Hooded Crow.

IM A BELL: ...AHAHAHAHA THAT'S FUNNY.

SKULLB: I'm gonna be honest... not picking up the innuendo.

JACK FROST: ...What is?

IM A BELL: Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow, like the song.

FORREST: Song? What song?

SKULLB: I'm with them. What song?

IM A BELL: Jesus, does ANYBODY know Jethro Tull anymore?!

BLUEBRY: nobody liked jethro tull

FORREST: Who?

IM A BELL: Jethro. Tull.

SKULLB: The seed drill guy?

NOXIGAR: MFT3K: SkullB Makes a Mediocre Pun Based on a History Figure

FORREST: Isn't he some farmer that invented the seed drill, or something?

SKULLB: Hah, knew it-

IM A BELL: ...Jethro Tull THE BAND. The leader of the band is IAN ANDERSON.

SKULLB: Oh, wait. No. NO. N

FORREST: ...Doesn't he run some salmon factory?

BLUEBRY: no he runs some awful band apparently

IM A BELL: ...I don't know what I'm angrier about. The fact that you STILL don't understand what I'm telling you, or that you're correct. ...Look, let me just SHOW you.

{a bandana appears on Bell's head and a flute appears in Bell's hand. This starts playing. When not singing, Bell is playing the flute}

SKULLB: NO F*** YOU F*** YOU F*** YOU F*** YOU

NOXIGAR: Bell's got to have a talent other than writing, according to you guys. So why not let him play the flute?

IM A BELL: Through long December nights we talk in words of rain or snow

BLUEBRY: ...wha

While you, through chattering teeth, reply and curse us as you go.

Why not spare a thought this day for those who have no flame

To warm their bones at Christmas time?

Say, Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

SKULLB: Is this- {sighs} Is this really how you're padding the story? Quoting lyrics like you're on LiveJournal?

NOXIGAR: Let him do it. It's not like this is lampshading itself- Oh wait, it has been this entire time.

Now as the last broad oak leaf falls, we beg: consider this;

There's some who have no coin to save for turkey, wine or gifts.

No children's laughter round the fire, no family left to know.

So lend a warm and a helping hand.

Say, Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

SKULLB: Okay, no, seriously. You don't have to transcribe it all.
BLUEBRY: i think he's just getting lazy

As holly pricks and ivy clings,

Your fate is none too clear.

The lord may find you wanting, let your good fortune disappear.

All homely comforts blown away and all that's left to show

Is to share your joy at Christmas time

With Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

FORREST: Ah. Now I see. Yeah, that is pretty ironic.

SKULLB: NO IT'S NOT IRONIC IT'S COINCIDENTAL WILL YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR GODDAMN HEAD YOU SPAZ

{pause 5 seconds}

CHWOKA: DOCTOR OGONAPUSS-

NOXIGAR: You just naturally assume Doctor Octopus would just sporadically show up? Still?

JACK FROST: Now what?

FORREST: Wait, where are we gonna sleep?

IM A BELL: Well, Jack, you can sleep on the couch. Forrest, you sleep with MB. He has an extra bed.

SKULLB: "Just in case he brings a lady friend over to- pffffft hahahahahaha"

NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY! NOW I HAVE AN IDEA OF AN IM A BELL AND SARAH FICTIONAL WORK OF EXTREMELY MURDEROUS AMATEUR-er-NESS. Actually, thank you. I might end up doing something like that in one of my currently-incomplete-on-purpose works.

JACK FROST: WHAT? Why does he get to sleep in a bed while I sleep on the couch?

BLUEBRY: does it matter

IM A BELL: Because I don't like you.

CHWOKA: But all the characters act exactly the same?

JACK FROST:{is about to punch Bell}

SKULLB: I've been prepared like that for months, pal.

YOU SON OF A-

{Sarah runs in between Jack and Bell}

SARAH: Hey! Stop it!

JACK FROST: Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do about it, {bleep}?

BLUEBRY: {gasps}
CHWOKA: It's okay, all he said was Grinch.

SARAH:{pulls out pocket knife, holds it up to Jack's neck} This.

SKULLB: tuff grrl dosen't play nice
BLUEBRY: omg does anyone here read ctrl-alt-del?

NOXIGAR: I read the beginning of CTRL-ALT-DEL. I then realized how insanely stupid it was and stopped. Because Penny Arcade and Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff are both better in every way.

JACK FROST: ...Oh. Damn.

SARAH: Exactly. {puts away the pocket knife}

{cut to a while later. Everyone is watching TV}

?????: It's those fools! they actually think they can find us! What they don't know is that our lair is located on... THE EXTREMELY SPOOK CLIFF!

SKULLB: NOT THE SPOOK CLIFF

THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN MAKE IT HERE IS IF THEY HAVE THIS MAP!!! {Holds up a map. A wind blow the map out of his hands and out a window.}

SKULLB: Only one wind. No more, no less.

NOXIGAR: You never know about that Second Wind, brah.

SKULLB: How the f
CHWOKA: I'm waiting for them to transcribe THIS scene when Bell writes some other crappy fiction later.

BLUEBRY: wh-oh i get it

IM A BELL: Hehehe.

MATURE BLING: You're not angry about this?

IM A BELL: HELL no! Bell Quest sucked! I'm GLAD they're mutilating it!

SKULLB: Denial.
BLUEBRY: it did suck though

NOXIGAR: Im a bell was supporting you guys after all! I've been had!

MATURE BLING: ...But what about-

IM A BELL: You're just pissed because you and I are the only ones here who were in it.

MATURE BLING: We were, but-

IM A BELL: Hey, at least the remake was better!

SKULLB: ... {with dread in his voice} Remake? They made... a remake?

MATURE BLING: Yeah, that's true...

SKULLB: N-no... that's... that violates all that humanity stands for!

IM A BELL: Look, did you even like all the people there? Krax and Anthruborg

BLUEBRY: who

were assholes that never talked to us, Ebeneezer

BLUEBRY: don't know this person

was a creepy zombie, NeoStinkomech

BLUEBRY: yeah this was a terrible entourage

was a zombie that, in one universe, apparently created you, Vegerot

BLUEBRY: nobody knows your characters

was a whiny emo, Homestar was an idiot, Homsar... I think we left Homsar at my house, Homeschool was a know-it-all n00b, Pter

BLUEBRY: you misspelled "peter"

and Kyubii are... Well, they're not so bad.

SKULLB: Bell was a self-important author surrogate who's convinced he's the best writer who ever lived, Bling was a retard cat-monster that would probably eat its own foot given enough time and condiments, Tracy's an Anglophile who still thinks the fedora-trench coat combo looks good on any living human being, Sarah's just another Bell but with enough bosom to strangle somebody if they happened to fall in, Don Skull's an obnoxious prick, Daigo's got a robot nutbag and that's unsettling by itself, these two new idiots are from a Jethro Tull song for Christ's sake, Skully B.'s a handsome man with a surprising amount of vomit in his system... oh, speaking of which.
{SkullB starts to dry heave.}
SKULLB: Nope, I'm out. Oh, but let me go on. The author has wasted our time with this abortion of a "comedy" series which has about as much comedy as a morgue has healthy individuals, completely one-dimensional characters with absolutely nothing mitigating their existence and no merit to their personalities whatsoever, the absolute worst setting you can have for any work of fiction, plots that are nonexistant—and on the very rare occasion that they do have a plot, it's just another goddamn fight scene... and have I mentioned the humor? It's the comedy equivalent of a miscarriage; something so awful and tragic that you never want to speak of it again—it's the kind of humor that even 4chan would never laugh at, the kind of jokes that wouldn't cut it in the darkest of comedies, slapstick that barely even qualifies as such; genital mutilation, kicking, punching, none of this is funny! This fiction is the text equivalent of the Holocaust; it's awful, it's disastrous, it's a tragedy, it's a crime against humanity... Bell deserves to have his computer, his paper... anything that he can transcribe ANY sort of writing or art on to, it needs to be destroyed at this very instant. I never want to see his writing again. Until he actually pays attention in English class and doesn't draw huge tits all over everything, I want him never to approach a keyboard again in his life. I never want to see him pick up a pencil... I don't even want him to think about writing.

{Complete silence.}

SKULLB: Sometimes you've got to let it out.

NOXIGAR: OH, SO THIS IS WHERE YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE DESCRIPTION OF YOUR RIFF SET FOR THIS SERIES FROM. Well... I ought to say, I read that entire thing. Several times. Before I riffed you guys.

MATURE BLING: Hey, whatever happened to Vegerot?

SKULLB: Oh, right. F*** him too.
CHWOKA: ...that's it?
SKULLB: You can't be angry all the time!

IM A BELL: ...I think the last time I saw him was back in Wiki City.

MATURE BLING: Okay... {walks over to a room with a keyboard attached next to it}

SKULLB: Bell runs on the E-VAC, it seems.

IM A BELL: ...What are you-

BLUEBRY: i've mentioned this before, but stop starting sentences with ellipses, seriously

MATURE BLING: This will warp us to wherever we tell it to. But we can't exit the room we warp to, or else we'll get destroyed.

SKULLB: Not going to question the logic. Plus it's probably from Dr. Who or something.

NOXIGAR: If it's Dr. Who, then I don't get it either.

IM A BELL: Ah.

CHWOKA: Who cares about making sense of anything? This is what happens when the universe follows Talking Heads' instructions.
SKULLB: Damn it, man! You're on rehab for Talking Heads references.

{MB types something on the wall-keyboard. The door opens. MB walks towards it}

MATURE BLING: C'mon! {walks into the room}

{Bell follows MB. Cut to a room with grey walls. A portal opens on the left side of the screen. Bell and MB walk out of it}

IM A BELL: ...Where is h- {looks to the right side of the screen} Oh, holy {bleep}.

{camera pans to show Bell and MB from the front. The shadow of a The Cheat hanging from the ceiling via a noose is being cast on them}

MATURE BLING: ...Dayum.

SKULLB: Nigga he hang himself, shameful

{cut to a while later, in MB's room. Forrest is watching MB type something on his computer}

FORREST: What's that you're typing?

MATURE BLING: Eh, just my blog. I just started it a few days ago.

SKULLB: "Dear LiveJournal everybody hates me I'm gonna cut myself"

FORREST: Ah. I see. ...Can I type something?

MATURE BLING: Huh? Oh, let me just finish typing this. {types a little bit, stand up} Here.

FORREST: Okay. {sits down, starts typing, stand back up} Done.

MATURE BLING: Hmm... {looks at the screen}{sarcastic} ...Oh, how original.

BLUEBRY: {yawns}

NOXIGAR: {shrugs}

FORREST: Yeah, yeah...

{cut to 12:00 AM. A series of jump-cuts show everybody sleeping. Cut to 6:00 AM, in the living room. A rumbling is heard}

JACK FROST:{waking up} Huh? {gets up, walks to the hallway} Wh-

{everybody else runs in and tramples Jack}

JACK FROST: ...Ow.

{cut to half an hour later. Forrest and MB are swordfighting.

BLUEBRY: sounds like an average day

Jack is in a chair, looking at a mug with a snowflake on it. He is obviously pissed.

SKULLB: Looks like somebody spiked the eggnog!

Tracy is reading what appears to be a hentai manga.

BLUEBRY: "who needs people when my animes love me"

Bell and Sarah are sitting on the couch, making out.

SKULLB: "WE MAKE OUT BECAUSE WE'RE IN LOVE"

NOXIGAR: Obvious statement is... so unnecessary. Come on.

Sarah is wearing what appears to be a ruby necklace.

CHWOKA: You just knows he wants to say "and nothing else"

NOXIGAR: Except I don't know that. And never got that distinction.

Forrest accidentally throws his sword into Jack's head. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at Jack}

JACK FROST: ...I hate Christmas.

SKULLB: I hate Bell.
BLUEBRY: i hate all of you

{everybody but Jack laughs. Cue credits}

NOXIGAR: Just two more to go... then I can take a break and watch my sewing of discord reach new heights of badassery!