(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/25
Summary
Sarah explores the internet by herself.
SKULLB: Blurgh, this is starting to read like a bad rape fantasy.
BLUEBRY: best line in the entire fic, hands down
Cast: Mature Bling, Im a bell, Sarah, Don Skull, Tracy,
SKULLB: Mambo
Number Five, Rappers, Prostitutes, A FCC/4Kids Guy
Places: A 8-Bit House, The Internet
Episode Information: 501-When Making Secondary Main Character-Based Episodes, Choose Them Carefully
Insult: weird Alabama songs
Credit Joke: The League Of George Bush-Haters
If you don't understand the insult, when you type in "Weird Al songs" in a YouTube comment, and use the Audio Preview, it says "Weird Alabama songs".
CHWOKA: ...
Transcript
{open to the outside of an 8-bit house. Cut to the inside, where Bell and co are sitting there. MB is on a couch, alone. Pause five seconds}
CHWOKA: DOCTOR OCTOGONAPU—
NOXIGAR: Chwoka just loves repetition, doesn't he?
In before it's not the joke.
MATURE BLING:
CHWOKA: oh
NOXIGAR: CALLED IT!
...My EYES are BLEEDING.
SKULLB: Now you know how we feel.
{eyes turn red, swell up, and explode}
IM A BELL: ...WHAT THE F-
CHWOKA: Just a second here, I'd like to say that a hyphen is not an acceptable dash. And, in many environments, you should probably memorize the special code for "dash" (here it's mdash then a colon). If there is none, it'll be acceptable to use a double hyphen. {steps down off of his soapbox}
NOXIGAR: But but but-
That's what I do.
{cue opening theme. cut back to inside the house}
IM A BELL: Well, we're stuck here for a while. I suggest we split up
CHWOKA: LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG
and start exploring the place. Any volunteers?
CHWOKA: Shaggy and Scooby, you go explore the lit fireplace, then the kitchen.
SARAH: I'll do it, I guess.
CHWOKA: Daphne, Velma, you come with me!
{Noxigar hums a jazz tune.}
IM A BELL: Okay. You can start... Now.
{cut to the city. Sarah walks through and trips over something below the screen}
SARAH: AAH! What the-
{camera pans out to show a yellow skullbuggy with 5 on it's sides}
SKULLB: wwwwwwwhaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
{OOC: SkullB, did I get that description right? Change it if it's wrong.}
SKULLB: BUT I DIDN'T BUT I DIDN'T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH
SARAH: ...Number Five?
NUMBER FIVE: Yeah, that's me. What of it?
SARAH: What happened to you?
NUMBER FIVE: My stupid older brother canceled The SkullB Movie. Now I don't have anywhere to live, so I just wandered around the internet and ended up here. Once I reached the Mozilla Mountain Range, I couldn't go on any longer. But then, a group of firefoxes
BLUEBRY: {Groans}
led by a Shadow The Hedgehog-like man rescued me and took care of me.
SKULLB: {fizzling, smoking} GGHGGghghgGHGGGhghhgGHGHg
CHWOKA: SkullB? You okay?
SKULLB: iiIIiid d don't knnonoow MY NAME
NOXIGAR: Damn it, Skullbuggy. You should know your own name. It's Skullbuggy. Everyone else should know your name, too!
SARAH: Wait, Shadow the Hedgehog-like man? Did he say his name?
NUMBER FIVE: Yeah. Johnny. Johnny K. Bellstrom.
CHWOKA: I WONDER OF THIS IS RELATED TO THE BELL FAMILY
BLUEBRY: maybe we should get the scooby doo gang on the case
SARAH: My God. Bell's little brother rescued you...
NUMBER FIVE: "Bell"? Is he that git that appeared in Episode 9 of TSS?
SKULLB: MYmmymyYMYm MY HOUSE
CHWOKA: {singing} 's out of the ordinary/That's right/Don't wanna hurt nobody
SARAH: ...Yes, AND MY HUSBAND IS NOT A GIT.
BLUEBRY: oh no he is
NUMBER FIVE: ...Oops.
SARAH:{kicks Number Five in the... car-nuts}
SKULLB: hhHEE Kikicikick HIM IN he hHE HE NUTBbbbbbag
{SkullB suddenly returns back to normal.}
SKULLB: There is an all-consuming hate and I'm not sure how to let it out.
CHWOKA: Take it out on the sentry guns and locks on the doors! Please!
NOXIGAR: {singing} Shout, Shout
LET IT ALL OUT!
COME ON.
These are the things I can do without,
COME ON.
I'm talkin' to you.
NUMBER FIVE: ...WHY DID SKULL INDUSTRIES GIVE US NADS?
SKULLB: They... they didn't?
CHWOKA: He's faking for attention.
SARAH: So you could tell the difference between male and female robots?
CHWOKA: Why does Bell have to introduce sex into everything, even the most innocent of cartoon characters?
NUMBER FIVE: THAT RAISES FURTHER QUESTIONS!
CHWOKA: WHY AM I STILL SCREAMING?! I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED A WHILE AGO!
SARAH: ...Shut up.
SKULLB: "DON'T CORRECT MY ASSUMPTIONS"
NUMBER FIVE: Do I have to?
SARAH: I have a knife in my pocket, a shuriken in the other, and I can beat the everloving {bleep} out of anyone as long as they don't grab my upper arm. Fortunately for me, you don't have arms.
SKULLB: GRRRRL POWER
NUMBER FIVE: OKAY, OKAY! ...Say, are those real?
CHWOKA: What, her arms?
BLUEBRY: okay seriously, does bell live in like the 50s because goddammit
SARAH: ... {picks up Number 5, starts repeatedly punching him in the skull-face}
CHWOKA: WITTY ONE-LINER POTENTIAL: "This/that real enough for ya?"
{cut to a few minutes later. Number Five now has numerous cracks in his skull-face}
SARAH: So, are you going to shut up now?
SKULLB: "I was talking about your weapons, you crazy bitch!"
CHWOKA: WITTY ONE-LINER POTENTIAL: Wasted!
NUMBER FIVE: You still haven't answered my question.
SARAH: For your information, YES they are real. any other annoying comments?
NUMBER FIVE: ...I foresee lower back problems in your future.
SKULLB: "You know, that trip must have done something to your spine. I'd recommend a chiropractor!"
NOXIGAR: NO THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOU- DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY!
SARAH: ...I hate you SO MUCH,
BLUEBRY: me too
but you're gonna have to help me.
NUMBER FIVE:{an eyebrow raises} With what?
SARAH: You have to give me a tour of this place.
NUMBER FIVE:{eyebrow lowers} Oh. I thought you meant something else.
CHWOKA: Wait a minute, aren't all unmodified Skullbuggies supposed to be evil?
SARAH: ... {reaches into pocket, pulls out a pocket knife}
SKULLB: "I was suggesting getting you to a doctor! Jesus christ!"
NUMBER FIVE: I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!
{cut to Sarah and Number Five walking through the town. the place they are currently in is covered in graffiti}
NUMBER FIVE: This is the rapper part of town.
BLUEBRY: {sighs} i don't think any city in the world has one of these
There are a few /b/tards here.
SKULLB: "That explains why Bell lives here."
SARAH: ...Huh. {walks up behind a rapper} Sir,
CHWOKA: You walk up to the most gangsta rapper, breakdancer, beatboxer you can find. Then, you start talking like a socialite from the Early-to-Mid 20th century. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
NOXIGAR: ALL THE BACON IN THE WORLD COULDN'T SAVE YOU NOW
dare I ask what that is you are singing?
RAPPER: It's Soulja Boy, stupid!
CHWOKA: Isn't this set in the future?
SARAH: ...Who is this boy and why is he a soldier?
BLUEBRY: acting ignorant = INSTANT COMEDY
NOXIGAR: ALL THE BACON IN THE WORLD COULDN'T SAVE YOU NOW 'CAUSE-
Oh hey I actually get the joke. Or not. Maybe? Meh, let's ignore it for now.
RAPPER:{turns around} No, you idiot, SOULJA Boy, not S-Hmm. You're HOT. Wh-why don'tcha come back to my place and maybe we can-
CHWOKA: — get you an icepack.
NOXIGAR: Wow, that actually sounds like something I would say if I were riffing this.
SARAH: For your information, I'm MARRIED. {pulls out the pocket knife}
RAPPER: HEY, EASY WITH THAT THING!
SKULLB: "AAAAAH! I just wanted to show you some of his albums!"
{camera pans over so only Number Five is onscreen. A lot of blood spurts onscreen}
RAPPER: AAGH!! THAT'S NOT GONNA FIT IN THERE!
CHWOKA: What, the knife?
SARAH: I'LL MAKE IT FIT!!!!
SKULLB: Yep. Rape fantasy.
NOXIGAR: Wait-
You're still on that notion?
{Number 5's eyes widen. Much more blood spurts onscreen and splashes onto Number 5. Cut to a few minutes later. Sarah now has a lot of blood on her face and shirt}
NUMBER FIVE: I didn't even know you could do that with only a pocket knife and some blue paint.
CHWOKA: Woad?
SARAH: I would've used duct tape and a rabid squirrel as well, but I couldn't find any.
SKULLB: HA HA RANDOM
NUMBER FIVE: ...Remind me not to piss you off EVER AGAIN.
SARAH: Aww, why not? My husband's much more fun than you...
NUMBER FIVE: ...You are a VERY scary woman!
CHWOKA: Poor Number Five...trapped in close quarters to some of the most dangerous and powerful people alive. NOTE TO BELL THE WRITER: These are not good qualities to have in your characters! They are not admirable nor can you relate to them! This type of thing only works right when they get what's coming to them every time.
SARAH:{smiles} Thank you!
CHWOKA: NOT. ADMIRABLE. QUALITIES.
NUMBER FIVE: ...Why do I have the feeling you used to work as a god of death?
BLUEBRY: "Oh it must be intuition."
NOXIGAR: Or Stylistic Suck.
SARAH: How did you know?
SKULLB: "I read your backstory. ... You kinda, uh, forced me to. That's why."
NUMBER FIVE: ...Why did I agree to help you?
BLUEBRY: ...why do all of your sentences start with pauses?
NOXIGAR: Probably to hint delayed reaction time to the other person's statements.
SARAH: Because I would reduce you to scrap metal if you didn't.
NUMBER FIVE: Oh. Right.
CHWOKA: At this point, I'd think the alternative would be better.
BLUEBRY: you mean "...Oh. Right" right
{cut to a part of town apparently filled with prostitutes}
CHWOKA: "I mean, it's not like I'd know. I'm only the writer!"
NUMBER FIVE: And this is the porn section of the internet.
CHWOKA: You know, he hasn't been a real help with the tour. Sarah could have easily found all the places by herself.
NOXIGAR: I believe that's the whole point
SARAH:{notices a Hentai store}
BLUEBRY: {sighs}
I'll be right back. {runs into store, runs out a few seconds later} Bah. All censored.
CHWOKA: You looked in all of them in a matter of seconds?
NUMBER FIVE: WHY WOULD YOU GO IN THERE?
SKULLB: I kinda like this new guy. A little bit. Not just because he's got that robotic charm.
SARAH: To get something for my husband. ..And also something for my stepson.
BLUEBRY: wh-no
...And maybe something for me.
NUMBER FIVE: ...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS, JUST KILL ME NOW! I CAN’T TAKE THIS!
SKULLB: I share his sentiments exactly.
BLUEBRY: been saying that for the past 24 episodes
SARAH:{pulls out the pocket knife again} You sure about that?
NUMBER FIVE: ...On second thought, I think it would be worse if I knew I died by the hands of YOU.
SARAH: What are you implying?
NUMBER FIVE: You are a horrible, horrible woman, and I think it would be best if I killed you with my Skullbeam.
SKULLB: I'm still hoping they're not lying and I can actually decimate thousands with my weaponry.
CHWOKA: {nervously} Uh, um... no. They're lying. Really!
SARAH: Is that some sort of euphemism?
NUMBER FIVE: Nope.
BLUEBRY: whoa-seriously?
{charges a Skullbeam, fires it at Sarah}
{it hits Sarah, leaving a massive hole in her stomach, which heals quickly afterward}
NUMBER FIVE: MWAHAHA-OH WHAT THE HELL.
SKULLB: WHAT THE HELL
NOXIGAR: {singing} WOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHAT. THE HELL.
SARAH: ...It’s called immortality, dumbass.
BLUEBRY: ...ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's what it's called
NUMBER FIVE: ...I thought if you were immortal, you would survive anything, but would have to heal normally.
BLUEBRY: ...seriously stop beginning all of your sentences with ellipses
CHWOKA: YES THAT IS THE IDEA OF IMMORTALITY, THE CENTRAL CONFLICT IF YOUR LOVED ONES ARE ALSO IMMORTAL
SARAH: No, that’s more of an And I Must Scream thing.
CHWOKA: NO IT ISN'T YOU DUMBASS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
NOXIGAR: Is it petty that I am laughing as I read that response?
NUMBER FIVE: ...Please
BLUEBRY: holy jesus. seriously. seriously i have to put up with this. if i see one more damn ellipsis
do not mention stuff from TV Tropes. People that watch this crap likely don’t even know what it is.
SKULLB: And people who do are dying inside.
CHWOKA: I, for one, am highbrow, and DIDN'T get the reference from TV Tropes.
BLUEBRY: Video game?
CHWOKA: ...yes.
NOXIGAR: No. TVTropes is a website. About tropes regarding television shows. WHEN A PERSON KNOWS ABOUT TVTROPES, YOU EITHER ASSUME THEY ARE HANGING LAMPSHADES ON THESE TROPES, OR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH
SARAH: ...Shut up.
CHWOKA: You know, I'm tempted to go back and count how many times they say "Shut up".
SKULLB: Why would you want to read this again?
CHWOKA: Don't have to — F3.
NUMBER FIVE: Make me.
SARAH:{pulls out the pocket knife, stabs Number 5 in the groin-area. It actually bleeds}
NUMBER FIVE: ...You horrible, psychotic bi-{passes out}
SKULLB: HA HA! SHE STAB HIM IN HE NUTBAG
SARAH: ...Oh, damnitty damn damn dammit.
BLUEBRY: "i'm 13 and i just learned to swear"
{pause} Wait, who in their right mind would build a robot that can bleed from his crotch?
CHWOKA: Who would build a robot with any sort of crotch? No other Skullbuggies have them. But whenever someone comes within a 100 ft radius around Bell and his characters, the grow a nutbag so that HE KICK HIM IN THE NUTBAG.
NOXIGAR: Dude, every time you say that it's actually hilarious. Why you didn't use this as your witty one-liner is beyond me.
{cut to Sarah dragging Number Five around, with a trail of blood from his crotch. Suddenly, a man with "FCC" on his shirt jumps out of a bush. He is not wearing any pants}
CHWOKA: WHAT.
NOXIGAR: As you said earlier, HE KICK HIM IN THE NUTBAG
SARAH: WHAT.
CHWOKA: The important part here is intention, folks.
FCC GUY: This episode is too adult.
SARAH: ...THIS IS BEING SHOWN ON ADULT SWIM!
SKULLB: What, in a parallel universe where Family Guy didn't exist so they used this?
CHWOKA: It comes on before The SkullB Show, too.
BLUEBRY: yeah, adult swim is definitely the most taboo cable network around
NOXIGAR: Or, outside the Venture Bros., there is almost nothing else good on regarding Adult Swim ever that can't otherwise be watched on Comedy Central instead
FCC GUY: So?
CHWOKA: Yeah, I'd say this is too adult for even past watergate. It needs to be put past, like, double watergate. Where nobody will ever see it again.
SARAH: Wait a minute... {rips off the FCC Guy's shirt, revealing a different one that reads "4Kids"} I KNEW IT! You guys are a disgrace to the entire nation!
4KIDS GUY: ...We're trying to make kid-friendly-
BLUEBRY: okay seriously, one more ellipsis, one more, and i walk
SARAH: That's complete bull{bleep}! The guy that writes this crap is 12 friggin' years old!
CHWOKA: Wait, what? Did this kid just discover sex and curse words or something?
SKULLB: I think that's exactly the situation here.
{Chwoka breaks into uncontrollable laughter}
And another thing, what kind of a name is "Kirby: Right Back At Ya?" It's so stupid it's hard for me to even utter it!
4KIDS GUY: Well, you see, Kirby absorbs powers and fires them "right back at"-
SARAH: SHUT UP. Kirby of the Stars
CHWOKA: Dancing with the Kirbies
is a MUCH better name than that!
CHWOKA: Looks like someone's an author soapbox.
NOXIGAR: A lot of comedies have author soapboxes. Some as equally blatant.
4KIDS GUY: Well, what does THAT have to do with the show?
SARAH: I can name three reasons. One; Kirby comes from space. Two; Kirby was first seen in a star-shaped spacecraft. Three; Kirby uses a magic flying star as his source of power.
SKULLB: GOD I F***ING LOVE KIRBY SO MUCH
NOXIGAR: Yes, I believe that is the point being asserted.
4KIDS GUY: I-Uhh-Umm-Well-AaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-{head explodes, revealing a robotic sketeton}
CHWOKA: Wait, what? What Sarah says passes as an impenetrable wall of logic in this series?
SARAH: ...
BLUEBRY: okay. that's it. i said i'd walk and i'm walking. {Leaves}
Malfunctioning robots.
CHWOKA: "Just as I thought... chocolate in a thin candy shell."
NOXIGAR: SO MANY ELLIPSES. I WISH FOR A HYPERBOLA.
That's... Nice to know.
NUMBER FIVE:{wakes up} Huh? Wha-{notices the long trail of blood} YOU DRAGGED ME THROUGH TOWN WITH MY-{notices the 4Kids robot} LOLWUT.
SARAH: ...Look, I think I'm gonna bring you home with me.
SKULLB: "I've always wanted to own a bitch!"
NUMBER FIVE: Will you be as sadistic as you are now?
SARAH: No.
CHWOKA: "Well, maybe. Okay, yes."
NUMBER FIVE: Thank God.
{cut back to the house. Everyone but Sarah is there. She walks in}
SARAH: Hey, guys! Look what I brought home!
{Number Five wheels in}
NUMBER FIVE: Hi, I'm N-
NUMBER FIVE & DON SKULL: OH WHAT THE HELL.
DON SKULL: Sarah, why did you bring a Skullbuggy here?
NUMBER FIVE:{simultaneous} Sarah, why is there a Skullbuggy here?
SKULLB: Bell, what the hell's your problem?
NOXIGAR: I think it's the Assembly Line that's Bell's problem. It's really AMERICAN and is NOT AN ANIME.
SARAH: I thought you two would like eachother. Y'know, since you two are brothers.
CHWOKA: {imitating Don Skull} Yeah, now we can use my two-person plan for escape.
NUMBER FIVE: Sarah, I thought Skullbuggies 3 and 4 were scrapped. This is like talking to your brother as a zombie.
DON SKULL: Well, I actually don't have much of a problem with it. I know that The SkullB Movie was canceled, and I DO feel sorry for him.
NUMBER FIVE: Y-you do?
DON SKULL: Yeah, but I'm your OLDER brother. Too bad for you, Five.
SKULLB: It's a good thing these are just fake characters, right?
{Uncomfortable silence.}
SKULLB: ... Heh, right?
NUMBER FIVE: Say, could you, I dunno, give me a better name? I don't want to share a name with a malfunctioning robot that looks like Wall-e's older brother.
IM A BELL: Hmm... How about Daigo?
CHWOKA: NO. THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE NAME, AND IT TOTALLY GOES AGAINST HIS PERSONALITY
NOXIGAR: What would be a better name, then?
NUMBER FIVE: Hmm... Okay. Daigo it is.
CHWOKA: "After all, I do love anime!"
{cue credits}
CHWOKA: Oh my god, I actually feel kinda sick. Let's get out of here.
{Chwoka picks up SkullB and walks out.}
NOXIGAR: OH SHIT I SHOULD GO TO THE DECONTAMINATION ROOM AND MAKE SURE I'M NOT SICK FROM MY EYES HAVING SEEN THE SAME THING WHICH MAKES THEM FEEL SICK {walks out}
