RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/22

Summary

Don Skull starts a controversial radio show.

BLUEBRY: "I hope our president fails."
SKULLB: "Don't get me started on those nappy-headed hoes"
CHWOKA: "I'd like to strangle every kitten personally."

Cast: Im a bell, Sarah, Mature Bling, Tracy, Don Skull, Howard Stern, Hugh Hefner, Harvey Birdman, Yog Sothoth Bellstrom, Bailiff, Foghorn Leghorn,

SKULLB: I say I say I say, boy, this is awful

NOXIGAR: Hey, it's a joke that's actually funny!

Jury Member

Places: Bling's Living Room, Radio Station, Courtroom

Episode Information: 404-Soundboards Make the Dumbest of Jokes Seem Like Comedy Gold

BLUEBRY: once i saw a borat soundboard and i made him say "borat is evil" it was awesome

Insult: random foreshadowing

Credit Joke: The Brothers Chaps

Transcript

{open to Bling's living room. Bell is sitting on the couch}

IM A BELL:{humming Tetris Type A}

SKULLB: This one time I played Tetris too long and I started seeing pieces drop when I closed my eyes. It's like with this, and how when I close my eyes I see nothing but suck.

...Huh? Oh. Umm... There's no cold open this time. ...G-go away.

BLUEBRY: Gladly!

{cue theme song, cut back to the living room. Everyone is there except for Don Skull}

IM A BELL: ...Hey, you know what would be fun?

BLUEBRY: everything but this?

SARAH: What?

IM A BELL: If we all-

SKULLB: - commited group suicide?

NOXIGAR: But then you wouldn't have anything to riff to begin with...

DON SKULL:{drives in} HEY, GUESS WHAT!

CHWOKA: Despite the fact that he's a car, he can still derail just as well.

MATURE BLING: ...What?

DON SKULL: I'm gonna host a radio talk show!

SKULLB: "I had literally no reason to do so, but whatever!"

TRACY: ...So?

DON SKULL: Well, isn't that great?

BLUEBRY: television killed radio

TRACY: ...No. This episode is likely being to as horrible as The Cleveland Show was,

BLUEBRY: ...what
SKULLB: NO DON'T YOU GET IT IT IS THE FUTURE AND TRASRKHADGFASFKALHF

NOXIGAR: No, I don't get it. Besides, anything on FOX that wasn't House, the Simpsons, or football happens to be worse than this. Even Cleveland Show.

before it was canceled five minutes into the premiere.

DON SKULL: What makes you say that?

TRACY: Cleveland was the least popular main character on Family Guy, and likely so are you.

SKULLB: Oh now I wonder why that would be Mr. Ku Klux Klanime

DON SKULL: ...Don't you even want to know what it's called?

CHWOKA: Nope.

MATURE BLING: Sure. Amuse us.

DON SKULL: Skull In The Morning.

{OOC: Yeah, I see wut u did thar, SkullB}

BLUEBRY: wait no i don't get it
SKULLB: But I didn't even do anything

NOXIGAR: Wait a sec, if you didn't- then... who...

MATURE BLING: ...That's about the most BORING name for a radio show I've EVER HEARD.

SKULLB: "NPR? Now THAT'S a RADIO staTION!"

DON SKULL: Quiet, you. Anyways, I need someone to help with reading the news. I was thinking Sarah.

SARAH: ...Why me?

CHWOKA: Because God hates you. Amen.

DON SKULL: Why do you think?

BLUEBRY: because of misogyny
SKULLB: Women have no place in are workplace

NOXIGAR: Is it just me or did my brain snap? Meh, maybe I'm still keelhauling from the existence of Halloween...

SARAH: ...It's radio, dumbass.

BLUEBRY: you've obviously never seen the that 70s show episode with "hot donna"

DON SKULL: ...What's your point?

SARAH: I-Nevermind.

CHWOKA: New from Apple: The iNevermind.
SKULLB: "Yah trick now go make some sandwiches"

{cut to a radio station.

CHWOKA: Is RoB trying to be Fraiser?

Don Skull is doing the show}

SKULLB: Hey hey hey HEY let's keep this PG-13

NOXIGAR: You're the one doing the show...

SARAH:{offscreen, pissed} This just in, Don Skull is a idiotic pervert with a heart of black.

SKULLB: Now is there something wrong with that, honkey

DON SKULL: Oh yeah? Well Sarah, YOU are a- {long bleep}

BLUEBRY: oh dear

{pan over to Sarah}

SARAH: ...I QUIT. {walks off}

DON SKULL: Screw you, ya {bleep}!

SARAH:{offscreen} Shut up!

SKULLB: Records of Bell: Misogyny Never Tasted So Sweet

{cut to the next day}

DON SKULL: Hey, welcome to Skull In The Morning! Today we have two people here who I consider the two greatest living m-

{cut to Sarah, listening to the broadcast and holding a cup of coffee}

DON SKULL:{from radio} -en here on Terra...

BLUEBRY: wait whoa was that a reference to latin and not to japan?
SKULLB: You're giving him WAY too much credit here, Blue.

SARAH:{takes a sip of coffee}

CHWOKA: Well, you see, it has to do with her mouth. That's why it's an entire line of dialogue.

DON SKULL:{from radio} ...Howard Stern and Hugh Hefner!

SARAH:{cue spit take}

SKULLB: "Spit take? You're out in five!"

{OOC: Yeah, apparently those two are still alive after a few hundred years. Oh, and, don't say anything about factual errors involving Howard Stern. Don Skull is not going to be a clone of Don Imus in this episode.}

BLUEBRY: yeah that reference got dated fast
SKULLB: I love how he presumes we care

{cut back to the station}

HOWARD STERN: Hey, it's nice to be here.

HUGH HEFNER: Yeah, I love Skull In The Morning.

BLUEBRY: isn't this like, the second broadcast?
SKULLB: Don't question Hef when he's done SO MUCH FOR YOU

NOXIGAR: Perhaps it's my utter cluelessness with anything involving Hugh Hefner... but what the hell did he do for anyone?

DON SKULL: Hey, thanks! And, I see Hugh has brought two beautiful ladies with him!

HUGH HEFNER: It's too bad this is radio.

DON SKULL: Huh? Why?

HUGH HEFNER: ??? {looks at Howard}

HOWARD STERN:{to Hugh} Just ignore it.

SKULLB: Oh Howard if only that was so easy

HUGH HEFNER: 'Kay.

DON SKULL: Anyways, what do you think of my theory that-

{cut back to Sarah. Now she has no drink, and Bell is there}

DON SKULL:{from radio} -if you two fused, you would form a being greater and more powerful than God and Chuck Norris combined?

BLUEBRY: chuck norris got old too
SKULLB: Heck if this thing's timeline is correct then he should be dead.

SARAH:{spit take on Bell}

IM A BELL:{notices Sarah has no drink} ...Ew.

SKULLB: "EW COOTIES GET AWAY {passionate sex}"

NOXIGAR: Wouldn't you wish that happened? Too bad it didn't. That would be irony enough for something trying to idolize MST3K with host segments...

{cut back to the station}

HOWARD STERN: In my personal opinion, I think you're a brain-dead marionette puppet.

BLUEBRY: AND THE CORPORATE WHITE MALE IS PULLING THE STRINGS

DON SKULL: Well, technically that's true. I'm manmade, and have no brain. ...Er, wait. Was that a compliment?

HUGH HEFNER: ...You are the most SEXIST, STUPID, AND IGNORANT PIECE OF JUNK THAT HAS EVER EXISTED!

BLUEBRY: wait, i thought you loved his show
SKULLB: And that's coming from Hugh Hef-

NOXIGAR: Bell's been improving his writing. Perhaps his Suck is more Stylistic than it was the first time.

HOWARD STERN:{wide eyes} ...

DON SKULL: And this is coming from HUGH HEFNER! {presses a button}

SKULLB: OH I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU TOOK MY JOKE

NOXIGAR: Damn it, Skullbuggy. You're just doing the joke twice. As a retired don.

{canned laughter}

HUGH HEFNER: ...God, I hate you. C'mon, girls. {walks out with the two women he brought} C'mon, Howard!

BLUEBRY: this-what

HOWARD STERN: Right! {follows Hugh}

CHWOKA: Wait, since when is Howard Hugh's lackey?

NOXIGAR: Since this story, of course.

DON SKULL: ...Crap. Um... Well, that's it for today's show. Bye...

{cue montage of Don Skull yelling at random people on his show. He appears to be getting drunker and drunker. Finally, this happens}

DON SKULL:{to a woman} YOU, sir, are a member of the endangered species of lagomorph called the-{falls over}

{OOC: I dare ya to guess what he was going to call her!}

BLUEBRY: the fire ant
SKULLB: The beeyotch

{record scratch. Cut to a courtroom. One one side, there is Harvey Birdman

BLUEBRY: what
SKULLB: No no no you are NOT ruining that for me

and Don Skull. On the other, there is Sarah and Im a bell}

IM A BELL: Hey, Sarah? Who'd you get as our lawyer?

SARAH: Don't worry.

{the courtroom door opens. A man walks out, but is obscured by shadows}

IM A BELL: ...You got HIM as our lawyer?!

SARAH: Yeah. Is there a problem?

IM A BELL: YES there's a problem! He's-

{camera spins around to show the shadowed lawyer. Light hits him, revealing he is Yog Sothoth Bellstrom}

IM A BELL:{offscreen} -my older brother.

BLUEBRY: family discount!
SKULLB: THE GOAT WITH A THOUSAND MOUTHS IA! IA!

YOG: So, who am I-

CHWOKA: Egg Yog.

{Noxigar can't help but laugh at how genuinely funny Chwoka's statement is, for a mediocre riff in general.}

SARAH: Us!

YOG: Huh? Oh. Okay-{sees Bell, is amused} You? On the PLAINTIFF'S side? Please tell me this is a joke.

SARAH: No. We're trying to shut down a rather adult radio show.

YOG: ... {laughing} Okay, this HAS to be a prank! Where are the hidden cameras?

BLUEBRY: there, there, and there!

SARAH: What's so funny?

YOG: Bell is the biggest pervert I have ever known! And that's kinda creepy coming from his brother.

SKULLB: Is there such a thing as conversational dissonance?

Why would he be trying to-

IM A BELL: One; She's my wife. Two; He insulted her on air.

BLUEBRY: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
SKULLB: bawwwwwwwwww

YOG: ...Okay, okay, this has gone FAR enough. Bell couldn't get a girl if his life depended on it!

BLUEBRY: man speaks the truth
SKULLB: Good God he's said something right

NOXIGAR: Perhaps Stylistic Suck and Irony are both too much for these guys?

IM A BELL: What about my-

SKULLB: "-unborn baby?!"

YOG: That was an accident!

SKULLB: See that's why you use protection

besides, she died less than a year after you married her! But seriously, this is just stupid. This is obviously a joke. I'm outta here.

IM A BELL: ...IT'S NOT A {BLEEP}ING JOKE, JACKASS.

CHWOKA: "Just a regular one!"

YOG: ...Oh. Umm... Sorry about that.

IM A BELL: Shut up and sit down.

YOG: ...Right. {sits down}

BAILIFF: All rise.

{everybody stands up}

SKULLB: "Now sit down again."

BAILIFF: Honorable Judge Leghorn presiding.

{Foghorn Leghorn walks in wearing a robe and sits down in the bench}

BLUEBRY: {sighs}

{Noxigar sighs at the fact Bluebry is sighing}

FOGHORN: Y'all may be seated.

{everyone sits down}

FOGHORN: So, what's yer problem?

SARAH: Your honor, my husband and I are trying to shut down a radio show. Skull In The Morning.

FOGHORN: Skull'n The Mornin'? I LIKE that!

SARAH: ...This is gonna be a LONG case...

{cut to a few hours later}

BLUEBRY: seems like a short case to me :S

NOXIGAR: Would you rather they did the entire case on script? Me neither.

FOGHORN: Has that there jury reached a verdict?

SKULLB: "Your honor, we find Tom Robinson guilty of all charges."
CHWOKA: Wow. That was a classy joke!
SKULLB: Oops, sorry. ANIME ANIME STUPID KID {raspberry}

JURY MEMBER: We have your honor.

CHWOKA: And we're not giving him back!

NOXIGAR: They forgot to mention Im a bell's honor having been honorably discharged. If honorable discharges actually exist...

We find the defendant... Guilty.

BLUEBRY: wait, do we even know the charge
SKULLB: Woman bawwwwwwed and purple me has to pay???

FOGHORN: Hrm... Well, as much as it pains me to say this, Skull'n The Mornin' must be canceled immediately. {bangs gavel}

SARAH: We did it! WE DID IT! HAHA!

CHWOKA: He said they had to cancel Skull'n The Mornin', not Skull in the Morning.

NOXIGAR: Perhaps I should make a writing session on here with nothing but accents to show for it.

YOG: Yes. Yes we did.

CHWOKA: {Ben Stein impersonation} I am so happy right now I could cry.

IM A BELL: Well, congratulations, brother. You've earned my respect. For the next few minutes at least.

DON SKULL:{sighs, drives out}

{fade to black. cue credits}

SKULLB: toot

NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY! THAT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE.