(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/20
ATTENTION: CHARACTERS THAT AREN'T ON THE SHOW CANNOT BE BROADCAST, UNLESS THEY DISAPPEAR RIGHT AFTER.
BLUEBRY: Oh this is new.
{open to Bell at a desk}
CHWOKA: We don't even get the common courtesy of a Synopsis at the top there.
NOXIGAR: Implying anybody pays attention to the Synopsis.
IM A BELL: Dammit. Can't think of anything for an episode. ...Isn't it strange that this is real life,
CHWOKA: no it isn't
and being filmed,
CHWOKA: no it isn't
yet I act like it's scripted? {glances at camera} Ah, well. i'll just let the fans write their own.
BLUEBRY: There aren't any.
{cue poor rendition of the theme song. cut to a badly made set that looks like Bling's living room}
IM A BELL: I AM SO SEXY!!!
BLUEBRY: ...
{Malleo walks in}
SKULLB: Wh-what
MALLEO: FIRE FLOWER.
BLUEBRY: I-I don't think I can stand reading this. I mean at least Bell had some dignity.
IM A BELL: Oh gosh its MALLEO! I LOVE YOU MALLEO!
TRACY: Dad, I hate your addiction to
SKULLB: cocaine!
Malleo! Get over it! Just pay attention to WEEGEE!!!!
CHWOKA: oh my god the fans are EVEN WORSE how is this possible
SKULLB:
{Weegee walks in}
TRACY: Oh gosh its WEEGEE! I LOVE YOU WEEGEE!
IM A BELL: Back at ya!
CHWOKA: NOBODY EVEN SAID ANYTHING TO YOU AAARGH
{The scene freezes. The real Bell rises from the bottom of the screen}
IM A BELL: Ah, hell. I'm helping with this. {sinks offscreen}
CHWOKA: did he drown TELL ME HE DROWNED
{the scene unfreezes. Kirby, but with a pixelated face, rides in on a warp start
CHWOKA: warp stop
painted to look like he american flag}
BLUEBRY: are country
SKULLB: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO HE FLAG
KIRBY: Hi-
IM A BELL: I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE AMERICAN, 4KIDSIAN NAME OF HOSHI NO KIRBY! {pulls a bat from hammerspace, knocks Kirby through the window}
CHWOKA: Are all their fans writers of Green Grass and High Tides forever?
SKULLB: Are all their writers 'sperging losers?
NOXIGAR: I can't tell if it's some offensive joke or not. Wonder if I'm a loser in this context- DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY!
KIRBY: In Americaaaaaaaa...
SKULLB: IN SOVIET POP STAR POWER SWALLOWS YOU!!!!!!!
TRACY: Just go kick Bling or something, foo.
IM A BELL: Okay! {kicks Bling. Sneezes. Kicks Bling again.} 2 BECAUSE YOU MADE ME SNEEZE!
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
{Sarah comes in and kills Weegee and Malleo.}
SARAH: NAG NAG NAG
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
TRACY: INNUENDO INNUENDO INNUENDO
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
IM A BELL: HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI
BLUEBRY: Same old same old.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
MATURE BLING: ME MYSELF AND I
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CHAOS: DEATH DEATH DEATH
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SARAH: INEXPLICABLE PERSONALITY CHANGE SEX SEX {lunges at Bell}
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
IM A BELL: EVEN DIRTIER INNUENDO INNUENDO INNUENDO
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SARAH: WE HAVE SEX DId YOU KNOW THAT
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
IM A BELL: ANIME TRANSFORMATION
CHWOKA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrgh
NOXIGAR: "I'm a whiny little peach!"
{Bell turns into a maniacal robot with extremely mismatched parts.}
PETER PAN: HI
CHWOKA: WHERE DID HE COME FROM
IM A BELL: !BIDEO GAMES IDORT!
CHWOKA: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
DON SKULL: Wha... what is this? Bell, what's going on?
SKULLB: Is that... is that something sane?!
IM A BELL: ANIME
CHWOKA: ANIME
NOXIGAR: I forgot there was sometimes an echo.
DON SKULL: Bell? What's wrong with you?
CHWOKA: GENETICS OF SKULLB
TRACY: BRITISH
CHWOKA: WHY
NOXIGAR: Because it isn't Japanese.
DON SKULL: ... Oh, God. Bell's letting the fans write an episode.
BLUEBRY: This is-This is better at riffing the show than I could have ever done. Bravo.
{SkullB cries while clapping.}
{Cut: Bell's room, real life. Don Skull steps in.}
CHWOKA: WHY
DON SKULL: Bell? What the hell have you done?
CHWOKA: HOW'D HE GET HERE
IM A BELL: CRAP-BOT, TRANSFORM!
{Bell transforms into a jukebox, that constantly plays The Alhpabet}
CHWOKA: WHAT IS THE ALHPABET
NOXIGAR: {singing} Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, NO MOOOOORREEE
'SARAH: I DROPPED A NON-IMPORTANT FAN CHARACTER NUKE. ANYBODY WHO HASN'T BEEN ON THE SHOW HAS BEEN KILLED.
CHWOKA: WHERE DID SHE COME FROM
NOXIGAR: She's the Queen Bitch of the Universe.
{cut back to the real RoB world}
IM A BELL: One, how the hell did you get Sarah to let you in? And two, I have a case of life block, which makes you not be able to do anything original and/or interesting.
BLUEBRY: We know.
Unfortunately, this happened the same day I had a company tour, which is confusing, since this is real life. So, I let the fans create this episode.
CHAOS: Uh... Bad idea much?
CHWOKA: YES VERY MUCH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOW IS A BAD IDEA
DON SKULL: Oh, hell! The Sues are leaking into our world!
BLUEBRY: They already have.
NO~
CHWOKA: TILDES? I HATE YOU!
NOXIGAR: Hey, Chwoka~
{Cut back to the carppy one}
CHWOKA: I HATE YOU
IM A BELL: OH HONE-AY LESS GO 3 JAPIN AND HAS A BABY AND TELL NUBODEE ABOWT IT
CHWOKA: I HATE YOU
SARAH: I'M SEEING SOMEONE WHO RIDES A MOTORCYCLE
BLUEBRY: ahahahaha that actually kind of made me laugh
IM A BELL: OMG WHAT!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!1!??1!/!1!?1!!
CHWOKA: I HATE YOU
SARAH: YEAH RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW
DOCTOR OCTAPUS: Greetings, I am Doctor Octapus. You may remember me from Spiderman 2, in which I kidnapped Mary Jane to lure Spierman into my lair, where I proceeded to beat the living snot out of him. I'm commonly used for Cameos on this show. That's all I have to say for now. Ta-ta!
CHWOKA: I HATE YOU
NOXIGAR: {singing} Shout, shout
LET IT ALL OUT
COME ON
These are the things I can do without
COME ON
I'm talking to you
GILLIGAN: {Crashes through ceiling} .....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?
CHWOKA: AHTHGHETGDAFGUG
{cut back}
{Chwoka starts sobbing}
IM A BELL: ...Okay, now you raise even more questions! I mean, only Sarah and I are supposed to be in this house!
CHWOKA: make it stop
NOXIGAR: OH HO HO HO
NOXIGAR: THE ACTION NEVER STOPS
This house likely can't even be broadcast on daytime television! I'm surprised the camera crew is able to not show what's in this room alone! ...Anyways, it seems to have resolved itself. Nobody's editing anything.
{Cut back}
CHAOS: Bell I give u million dollar rays for beeting up sum wresslir.
I MA BELL: i can do it i can do it NINE times
{Bell starts shifting very slowly toward the nearest wall.}
DON SKULL: hai bell lewk owt 4 that wall.
BADSTAR: {Appears} Hai guis! I havent been in an epidysodey! LOL FIRST APPEARANCE
I MA BELL: get OUT of MY way badtars
{Badstar explodes.}
TRAAAAAACY: I CAN TOUCH MY TOES ONE TWO FIVE
BLUEBRY: wh-what was that
{Tracy makes a reverse explosion sound.}
{cut back}
IM A BELL: ...Oh God.
DON SKULL:{sounds suspiciously like Strong Sad} Well, you better DO something about it before it gets WORSE! {becomes a badly-drawn character card}
IM A BELL: NOOOOOOOO-
{cut back. From this point, the characters are voiced by Speakonia(the Clock Crew voice thing)}
I A MA BEL: hello tracy my good man would you like to go get a sandwich
TRACKY: i am afraid not father i have genital warts
BLUEBRY: it has to be from a toilet seat or something
I A MA BEL: why did you not tell me about this???
DOK SNULL: quickly i need the papers
I A MA BEL: yes here are the papers
SRRRAH: well take back the white house
{A picture of a cymbal monkey is superimposed upon the screen.}
{cut back. Bell looks shocked.}
IM A BELL: ... This... this was a bad idea.
BLUEBRY: It's your idea.
NOXIGAR: There's such a thing as regret, you know.
{cut back again}
KAMGIRO: i want pie
CON: me too
WYCOO: i want ice cream
WAGON: i want spaghetti
WAGONEKS: i want both
{cuts back for the final time}
IM A BELL: ... Yep. A bad idea. Why don't... {sighs} why don't we just stop now?
BLUEBRY: STOP THE SHOW?
{the credits roll}
SKULLB: Now I know who to beat with a brick when we're done!
NOXIGAR: Can I have it like that?
NOXIGAR: You got it like that.
