RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/11

Summary

The freakish five read about the Bellstrom ancestry.

BLUEBRY: did you click one of those banner ads

Cast: Sarah, Captain Falcon, Mature Bling, Im a bell, Tracy, Don Skull, Sir Bellahad Bellstrom I, Black Knight Bellstrom, Army, Group Of Stray Cats, Minuteman Bellstrom, Doctor Haw, Berarashi-Sama, Yagusahafu-Sensei

Places: Deck, Onboard Library, Renaissance Town, Sir Bellahad's House, Battlefield, Revolutionary War Battleground, Gallifrey Asylum, Ancient Subspace

Episode Information: 205-Never Let A Weak-Hearted "Collins" Read About His Ancestry

Insult: racially-ambiguous rhinoceri

Credit Joke: Masahiro Sakurai

Transcript

{open to Sarah on the deck. Captain Falcon walks onscreen}

SKULLB: Oh this will end well!

CAPTAIN FALCON:{to Sarah} Show me your-

SKULLB: memes

{Sarah punches CF in the face}

CAPTAIN FALCON: I was gonna say "moves"!

BLUEBRY: ...{sighs}

SARAH: SURE you were.

MATURE BLING:{walks onscreen} WHAT DOES THE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

SKULLB: Preaching to the crowd, are we?

SARAH: Quiet, you.

{cue theme song. cut to an onboard library. Bell and co walk in}

IM A BELL: The cruise library! I'm sure there'll be something interesting here!

SKULLB: "WHERE ARE THE MANGAS"

NOXIGAR: Not appearing in this film.

MATURE BLING:{pulls out a book} Hey, look at this! "The Bellstrom Ancestry".

CHWOKA: Why would they have that on a cruise ship?

IM A BELL: Ooh! I've been wanting to find out about my ancestors!

CHWOKA: It's called the "internet".

DON SKULL: Since when?

IM A BELL: Since MB found that book.

TRACY: ...You're an asshole, you know that?

SKULLB: But but but what about that makes him an asshole

IM A BELL: Yeah. Isn't it great?

CHWOKA: He's basking in his negative attention.

TRACY: ...Just go into a flashback before I kill you.

SKULLB: HEY LOIS THIS IS LIKE THAT TIME WHEN
CHWOKA: Wait, why would he kill his father before he's born?

IM A BELL: ...Right. {takes book, opens it} Let's start with the Renaissance period, the first known appearance of a Bellstrom...

SKULLB: Oh! I bet he'll be like, a nobleman! Something cool like that!

{cut to a renaissance town.}

BLUEBRY: shoulda gone to FREEEEEEEEEEEE CREDIT

{A knight that has the body of Perfect Bell, but with a chestplate and a bell-shaped helmet rides in on a golden horse}

SKULLB: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand all is lost from the get-go

IM A BELL:{voiceover} This is

CHWOKA: - SPINAL. TAP.
BLUEBRY: \m/

Sir Bellahad Bellstrom the First.

{Sir Bellahad ties the horse to a post in front of a house,

CHWOKA: Houses? Those were invented around the rise of suburbia. In 1920.

NOXIGAR: Oh, so those buildings before 1920 that people lived in- what would you call them?

and then enters it. A black knight lookalike is inside the house}

CHWOKA: Knights weren't prominent during the Renaissance period.

IM A BELL:{voiceover} And this is his brother, Sir Black Knight Bellstrom.

SKULLB: I don't think "Black Knight" is a name

BLACK KNIGHT: Welcome back, brother.

SIR BELLAHAD:{british accent}

CHWOKA: which one there are several

Thank you, brother.

BLACK KNIGHT:{british accent} Say, brother?

SKULLB: "They talk like this in Blackadder and I like Blackadder and Dr. Who I LOVE DR. WHO"
CHWOKA: Bell loves every first-world country that isn't his.

SIR BELLAHAD: Hmm?

BLACK KNIGHT: We're in our armour a lot. Have we even seen eachother's faces?

BLUEBRY: no never that is disgusting

SIR BELLAHAD: I've seen yours.

BLACK KNIGHT: What? When?

SIR BELLAHAD: Remember? Last Christmas

CHWOKA: {singing} I gave you my heart!

when you-

SKULLB: "frenched me under the mistletoe"

NOXIGAR: I think the song was intentionally misquoted. But who knows, given the context of this?

BLACK KNIGHT: Please. DON'T remind me.

SIR BELLAHAD: Okay. Well, this is what MY face looks like. {takes helmet off. Head looks just like Perfect Bell's, even a propeller cap}

BLACK KNIGHT: Augh! Oh, oh God! No WONDER you always keep your helmet on!

SIR BELLAHAD: Is it my bell-like head?

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it's that hat! Who in their right mind would wear something like that?

(OOC: I am, in real life, on the verge of tears reading this poorly constructed mess - Chwoka)

NOXIGAR: {singing} This year

From shedding some tears
I'll give it to someone special

SIR BELLAHAD: You know, I don't even know how I got this hat. {takes of cap, revealing the ball on to of his head}

BLACK KNIGHT: EH? WHY IS THERE A TESTICLE{"testicle" is allowed on here, right?}

SKULLB: asfasfasfaaaslkgnxzxcvbb

ON YOUR HEAD?

SIR BELLAHAD: Huh? No, no. That's a Chao Ball.

BLUEBRY: ARE YOU GOING TO THE BALL?

BLACK KNIGHT: What's a "Chao"?

SKULLB: ugggggggggh

SIR BELLAHAD: Do not ask. Anyways, our village has declared another war.

BLUEBRY: the war of the roses

BLACK KNIGHT: Against?

SIR BELLAHAD: The group of stray cats in the next town.

SKULLB: f***ing cats
BLUEBRY: those cats have wmds and we cannot wait around for weapons inspectors to finish
CHWOKA: This is the Renaissance, Bell. The next town is literally days away. With no pathways or roads.

BLACK KNIGHT: AGAIN?

SIR BELLAHAD: YES again.

BLACK KNIGHT:{sighs} Right. I'll get my lance.

{cut to a field. An army rides onscreen on horseback. A group of cats walk onscreen from the other side of the screen}

MAN IN THE ARMY: CHARGE!!!!

CHWOKA: His rechargable batteries are running low.

NOXIGAR: I don't think batteries were during the Rennaissance- Oh, hold on. What was the joke again?

{the army and the cats attack eachother. cut back to the house, after the battle ended. Black Knight is laying on the ground with an arrow sticking out of his chest.

CHWOKA: So, wait, they rode miles away to the nearest town for a war straight out of the age of feudalism - although we're told this is during the Renaissance - got shot in the chest, rode several days over to the house, then collapsed without even taking the apparently armor-piercing arrow - a physical impossibility for the armies of early Renaissance, being armored as well as tanks - out of his chest. Then, only then, does he have his dramatic moment. Bell really didn't think about this at all, did he?

Bellahad is kneeling beside him}

SIR BELLAHAD: How could you have been hit by a STRAY CAT?�

CHWOKA: Catapults and claws.

BLACK KNIGHT: They're very skilled in archery.

SIR BELLAHAD: ...Yes, I can see that.

BLACK KNIGHT: Brother, when I die,

SKULLB: Which, according to this series, won't happen

NOXIGAR: Nah, he'll die. He'll just have offspring that continue his bloodline.

take good care of my wife.

SIR BELLAHAD: Who's your wife?

BLACK KNIGHT: Here's her picture. {hands Sir Bellahad a painted picture of a woman

CHWOKA: Where does he carry a portrait around?

that looks very similar to Sarah, but her died hair

CHWOKA: Her hair died?

isn't spiked and she's wearing a crown and other royal clothing}

SIR BELLAHAD: The QUEEN? You married the QUEEN?

BLUEBRY: Then that makes you the KING!

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes. Yes I did.

CHWOKA: People married to the queen aren't lowly knights and don't live in - apparently existant - houses.

SIR BELLAHAD: I still don't understand why our town has a queen.

BLACK KNIGHT: Neither do I, brother. Neither do Iiiiiii-{dies}

SKULLB: Famous last words

IM A BELL:{voiceover} And Bellahad did take care of the queen.

CHWOKA: {imitating Chicago mob member} Take care of the queen for me, capiche?

And shortly after they produced a son.

CHWOKA: Woah! I'm pretty sure that's more than "taking care" of her.

NOXIGAR: Actually that's what consorts did back then.

Let's fast forward to the Revolution.

CHWOKA: {singing} You say you want a revolution, we-el-el you know...

{cut to a bunch of people spinning like tops}

IM A BELL:{voiceover} No, the Revolutionary War, NOT the revolution ages!

SKULLB: Oh, you
{Chwoka pretends to pinch Bell's cheeks}

{cut to a bunch of people fighting in the Revolutionary War. There is a Bell-like soldier fighting on the American side}

SKULLB: What, was there no Japanese war

NOXIGAR: No

NOXIGAR: There wasn't

IM A BELL:{voiceover} This is Minuteman Bellstrom. He was the first Bellstrom to have reality-bending powers.

BLUEBRY: which he used to fight the commies out of are nation
CHWOKA: Bell doesn't "get" genetics.

{Minuteman Bellstrom goes supernova, destroying the british soldiers currently fighting}

SKULLB: BUT BUT BUT THE BRITISH MADE DR. WHO

NOXIGAR: Sure they did. Years later

IM A BELL:{voiceover} He won that battle single-handedly.

SKULLB: Shoulda seen it coming

Unfortunately, he wasn't immortal,

CHWOKA: but he had REALITY-BENDING POWERS how did he forget to make himself immortal

so the supernova killed him. It's a good thing he already had children.

CHWOKA: Wait a minute, guys! How did Bell already know enough to narrate this sequence if he was apparently ignorant about his ancestors at the beginning?

Now let's go to Gallifrey.

SKULLB: Let's- let's not.

{cut to Gallifrey. A pitch-black 4th Doctor runs onscreen, into a red TARDIS, and disappears}

SKULLB: A symptom of a Mary Sue: "Like (character from popular fiction), but"

IM A BELL:{voiceover} That was Doctor Hagrobiscuithitchhikersreference,

SKULLB: Go ahead and ruin Douglas Adams for me too

or Doctor

CHWOKA: Hee-

Haw

BLUEBRY: {groans}

for short. He's a renegade time lord that escaped from Gallifrey Asylum. His father, Minuteman Bellstrom's son, traveled to Gallifrey and lived a long life. Until his son killed him that is. Doctor Haw traveled to present-day Free England, UK and had very stupid adventures with three very stupid people.

BLUEBRY: The authors.

{cut to a still image of Doctor Haw, a The Master/Strong Bad fusion, a Marth/Marzipan fusion, and a K9/Homestar as The Cheat fusion standing in front of the red TARDIS. cut to Subspace, where a Bell-like ninja is fighting a pitch-black old man}

IM A BELL:{voiceover} Now we will go to subspace

CHWOKA: what is supspace

in its huble

BLUEBRY: humble

Japanese beginnings, millions of years ago.

SKULLB: LET'S SAVE THE WORST FOR LAST

This ninja is Doctor Haw's son, Berararashi-Sama, and the old man is his older brother and master, Yagusahafu-Sensei. Berarashi-Sama is really British, like his father, but he and his brother had to move to very Japanese Subspace.

CHWOKA: So, subspace is very Japanese?

Since there is no Japanese translation for Bellstrom,

CHWOKA: But names don't change through languages Bell

he combined Bell, beru, and Storm, arashi, for his name.

SKULLB: This is what anime does to people

NOXIGAR: I don't think this was an anime, but instead a false notion of ancient Japanese history. Not even a mention of a shogunate. Then again, there was only one shogunate from the mid-1600's to 1857 in terms of the rule because it was all hereditary. I'm surprised Bell didn't use that for this fiction.

YAGUSAHAFU:

CHWOKA: Chauffeur?

You have learned well Berarashi-Kun, but you still are unable to defeat me.

BERARASHI: DON'T BE SO SURE! {pulls out katana, stabs Yagusahafu in the heart}

CHWOKA: oh god why would he do that

YAGUSAHAFU: AACKK-

BERARASHI:{pulls out katana, slices Yagusahafu's head off} Hmmhmmhmm. I guess you were wrong. AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

BLUEBRY: ...what the F*** is up with that

{cut back to the library}

IM A BELL: And Berarashi is my father's father. {closes book}

TRACY: Neat. So, is this episode over?

BLUEBRY: Please

IM A BELL: Uhh... Sure. Why not.

{cue credits}

CHWOKA: Breaking the fourth wall is like punctuation for these guys.

NOXIGAR: The comparison is lost.