RiffText/MFT3K/1-Up Emails/vampire

1-UP EMAIL 55!

1-Up is emailed by a Vampire.

NACHOMAN: He then goes off on a five year diatribe on why he hates Twilight.
SKUB: LETE ME TELL YOU WHY

NOXIGAR: Sounds like my 2+ year diatribe on why I hate MFT3K.

NOXIGAR: LET ME TELL YOU WHY

Cast (in order of appereance): 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, A Vampire, Robobat

Transcript

1-UP: {singing} This email is making fun of you.

BLUEBRY: and i'm making fun of it
SKUB: My feelings have been hurt

Dear Green Mushroom,
I am a vampire and

1-UP: {typing} And what? "I am a Vampire and I'm sorry I called you Green Mushroom?"

NACHOMAN: "I am a Vampire and you couldn't think of an original joke to save your life"?
SKUB: "I am a Vampire an I cannot Think of Original Ideas for EmaILS???"

NOXIGAR: I am a Vampire and-

NOXIGAR: I'm not even going to finish that because-
NOXIGAR: One, I'm lazy-

NOXIGAR: And Two, all things Vampire, bar the Magic: the Gathering card Sorin Markov, bore me to sleep.

STRONG BAD: {walks in} Yeah, right. Everyone calls you stupid names, Mushroom. {walks offscreen}

NACHOMAN: Like "Kidstar".
SKUB: And "1-Up"

1-UP: Grr... I'm going to go back in time and get revenge on Strong Bad.

NACHOMAN: He's right there.

NOXIGAR: What if bugs were the way to deflate Strong Bad's immortality balloon?

And I might also be able to figure out who this Vampire guy is at the same time. But, My old computers that had my specail personal time travel program are gone.

SKUB: "specail" indeed.

Luckily, I have this new Time Travel Devce that Bubusuke

SKUB: Is that a sushi?

NOXIGAR: No, probably a shitty attempt at parodying the Japanese language.

gave me. {stops typing and jumps off stool

SKUB: breaking his neck, confining him to a wheelchair

}

{Takes Time Travel Device and goes back in time in a flash. Cuts to Strong Bad at he's Lappy which is not broken in the year 2005}

NACHOMAN: If I had a state quarter for every spelling and grammar mistake in this show I would be a very happy man.
SKUB: That could buy you a lot of hamburgers in the year 2010 where we's live

NOXIGAR: If I had a state quarter for every riff portion from the previous season where NachoMan wasn't funny I would be a very happy man. That could buy me a lot of hamburgers in the year 2012 where I's live.

PAST STRONG BAD: {typing} So ya see Claire, if it weren't for the stick, and Marzipan's considerable resistance to death, the On Point Kings may never have stolen the King of Town's dunce cap and renamed it Lotionman. {a little embarrassed, and stutters his 'd' (not typed)} D-Don't ask, it was Strong Mad's idea. Well, I hope that makes you not email me anymore.

BLUEBRY: hey where is this from
SKUB: Haha, I love this guy! Where can I see more of this??

NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY! I literally don't oppose your viewpoint this time around.

{1-Up appears out of nowhere}

PAST STRONG BAD: Wah! What are you doing?

BLUEBRY: "creepin'"
SKUB: "Transcending space an Time"

1-UP: I am looking for a Vampire.

PAST STRONG BAD: Sorry. The only Vampire I know is Trevor.

NACHOMAN: wow try not to get too ecstatic about this conversation guys
SKUB: Vampire does not always have to be a proper noun, guys

NOXIGAR: I can agree with what Skullbuggy is saying. I mean, it's a really jolly idea.

1-UP: Oh. Yes. I saw that Strong Bad Email. Umm... So, Where is Homestar Runner in this time?

PAST STRONG BAD: In the basement,

SKUB: "where he belongs"

NOXIGAR: This is Strong Bad we're talking about, not the creator of 1-Up Emails.

He is with Mitchell.

1-UP: That sounds like the name "Michael".

BLUEBRY: really

I'm going to go down there. Okay?

BLUEBRY: {At the sound of this Strong Bad jumped up a bit. If 1-Up went into the basement, surely he would find the body, and the bloodied axe. He had to think of an excuse—quick.}

PAST STRONG BAD: Okay. Bye.

NACHOMAN: isn't it weird how all of the humor and joy was drained from Strong Bad when 1-Up came in. I'm beginning to suspect who the real vampire is...

NOXIGAR: You, for draining the humor from this riff?

{1-Up leaves. Cuts to the basement where Homestar Runner is singing about Trees}

BROOKSIE: Wood you stop it with the puns, Mitchell?
EVERYONE: {grooooooan}
BROOKSIE: Hey, I'll make like a tree and leaf if you want to!!
SKUB: Have my children, all of my children

1-UP: {walks in} Hey, Dad at my age.

BLUEBRY: he's where you get your smarts from
SKUB: More like that's where he gets he's Smarts From

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: Dad? Who is... Oh. I'm not your dad. At least, Not yet.

BLUEBRY: how could he know this eughghghghhwhdhs

1-UP: Whatever. I know how to get revenge on Strong Bad.

BLUEBRY: sugar in the gas tank
SKUB: Bees in his cereal??

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: Does it have anything to do with Trees?

1-UP: Umm... Yeah. Sure.

{Cuts to Strong Bad standing next to a Tree}

1-UP: {Sneaks in and hides behind tree with a Walkie Talkie and shoots the tree to turn it into a Magnet Tree}

NACHOMAN: I didn't know it was possible to make so little sense.
SKUB: I d—don't understand

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: {on Walkie Talkie} Strong Bad said that he's pants were made of metal.

SKUB: Heavy metal \m/,

NOXIGAR: Because cheesing is fon to due.

Just use the magnet tree.

1-UP: It's okay. I have completed my part of the mission.

BLUEBRY: this dialogue is so lifelike and realistic
SKUB: "I learned how to speak military from MW2"

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: {walks onscreen}

PAST STRONG BAD: {Gets attached to the tree to make it lok like he's hugging it}

BLUEBRY: friggin treehuggers
SKUB: PARKIES

NOXIGAR: I should get on my Tumblr and find something rebloggable so I can say PARKIES.
NOXIGAR: That literally made my laugh.

Woah!

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: {starts looking at Strong Bad angrily} Keep on huggin' it.

PAST STRONG BAD: How did you get me to do this in the first place?

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hug it! Hug it!

PAST STRONG BAD: And why do I continue to do it?

PAST HOMESTAR RUNNER: Keep on huggin' it. Hug it down.

PAST STRONG BAD: I don't even like this tree that much.

NACHOMAN: Man, writing fanstuff is so easy when all you have to do is copy transcripts and add "past" before every character's name"
SKUB: I love this guy! He's so funny!!!

{Cuts to 1-Up in front of te old Pietimer's Place in 20X6}

1-UP: The Vampire might be in here. I might as well look inside. But, First I want to eat pie? Actualy, No. I might... just... Pudding!

NACHOMAN: ugh
SKUB: Wow, I'm surprised he could fit in two of the worst nerd jokes ever into one line. Kudos, you big moron.

NOXIGAR: But you guys make nerd jokes at the expense of others in your riffs!
NOXIGAR: That's actually the inconsistency.

Umm... I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

BLUEBRY: me neither babe

So, I guess I might as well... go inside.

{Cuts to the inside of the Old Pietimer Place}

1-UP: {walks onscreen} Hmm... I wonder where that Vampitre could be?

{Vampire slowly appears floating in the air with a cape}

SKUB: Sookie... I am Vampire

VAMPIRE: Looking for something?

1-UP: Hi-Ya! {Spin-kicks the Vampie}

VAMPIRE: Ouch.

NACHOMAN: THEACTIONNEVERSTOPS

NOXIGAR: ... that's egregiously out of context, but I'll buy that your attempt at humor was good this time.

What are yu doing?

1-UP: Stoping your evil.

SKUB: 1-Up Emails is about Stoping Evil and Frienship

VAMPIRE: How did you know about my evil?

1-UP: Easy. I know about it cause I looked into the future and saw-

VAMPIRE: Shut up. I have heard enough.

BLUEBRY: me too

Prepare to die! Robobat! Get here!

{A Robotic Bat starts swooping at 1-Up and flies towards the Vampire. He lands on the Vampire's Shoulder}

1-UP: Grr...

VAMPIRE: Robobat! I might be estroyed in this fight... But, Send this message back in time. Hello, Green Mushroom. I am a vampire and...

SKUB: Look out he's gonna estroy you!!!

1-UP: {spin-kicks the Vampire into space}

SKUB: daaaang

NOXIGAR: PARKIES

ROBOBAT: I shall not fail you, master. {leaves}

NACHOMAN: Everything falls into place

1-UP: I win!

{Cuts back to 1-Up at the broken Lappy 486}

1-UP: {typing} Well, There you have it. I defeated your evil and put an end to your reign of terror.

STRONG BAD: {walks onscreen and looks at 1-Up angrily} Hello, 1-Up. Did you just go back in time and use a Magnet Attack on a Tree that I was near in the year 2005?

1-UP: What are you going to do? You have no super powers.

BLUEBRY: so i've started saying all this in an anime voice and it all makes sense now...
SKUB: but . . . he's power level is so strong . . .

NOXIGAR: You can make "anime" voices.
NOXIGAR: No, I'll totally buy that, if there was a legit distinction between anime voices and other voices.

STRONG BAD: That might be true. But, I used to be the best Tag team Wrestler in Free Country USA. I could beat you in a Tag Team match.

1-UP: Fine. I'll verse you

SKUB: Hrhghrgk

NOXIGAR: PARKIES

in a challenge on-

STRONG BAD: Nope. You are going to wrestle. The rules are simple. In Wrestling, One of the rules are "No Super Powers"

1-UP: Uh Oh! That means...

STRONG BAD: I'll win. Ha ha!

BLUEBRY: ha! {beat} ha!

See you next week, when I get my revenge. {leaves}

NACHOMAN: OH MAN CAN'T WAIT

{The Paper comes down}

Fun Facts

• Tag Team Wrestling is from an old cartoon called "Marshmellow's Last Stand"

BLUEBRY: it's also a form of wrestling

• The Old Pietimer's Place is from a 1936 Holiday Toon called "That a Ghost"
• The Strong Bad hugging a Tree thing is from the Strong Bad Email called "Bottom 10"

SKUB: (read: shamelessly swiped from)

SKUB: Was he, like, not smart enough to use a template? Or did those just not exist back then?

NOXIGAR: Good question, Skullbuggy! I literally don't know!