RiffText/LegendofNachoMan/1

{Open: darkness.}

SKULLB: Hello, there, Chwoka.

NOXIGAR: HOOT. HOOT. YOU ARE ABOUT TO GO ON AN EPIC ADVENTURE THE LIKES OF WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE UNIQUE. BUT, AS IT IS CLUNKY LEGEND OF ZELDA FANFICTION, I AM AFRAID YOUR JOURNEY IS GOING TO SUCK.

CHWOKA: Hey.

SKULLB: Did I ever tell you about the three Triforce Goddesses?

CHWOKA: Like every day.

NOXIGAR: "Dude, stop with your LEGEND OF ZELDA shoehorning, like holy shit it's old now."

SKULLB: Well let me tell you again. Just for old times' sake!

CHWOKA: Oh, come on...

NOXIGAR: "I have to do CHOOM THINGS, and so do you"

{The scene fades into a rainy, gloomy, thundering sky. Three golden triangles descend into the shot.}

SKULLB: In the beginning, there was naught but storms and darkness. And from this awful world arose the Golden Power... the Triforce. And from the Triforce came the three Goddesses-

CHWOKA: Shadow Scythe, Shwoo, and Super Sam. I heard.

SKULLB: Good to see you've been paying attention, Chwoka.

CHWOKA: Well it's hard to forget after fifty times!

NOXIGAR: Wait, fifty times? Damn it, Skullbuggy! I was trying to be nice to you by making fun of Chwoka!

{The triangles turn into golden, female figures. They start flying.}

SKULLB: Shadow Scythe molded the land out of rough rock, creating the earth upon which we stand today.

CHWOKA: And Shwoo created the oceans and water and gave the earth the ability to hold life, right?

SKULLB: Right. And Super Sam gave the earth the seed that would sprout into the multitude of flora and fauna we see today.

CHWOKA: So far nothing's changed.

NOXIGAR: "WHY HAS NOTHING CHANGED?! WHY HAS NOTHING IMPROVED?! WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE STILL ON THE WIKI USER WIKI?!"

{The scene shifts to a fiery background. The silhouette of a man on a horse is in the foreground.}

SKULLB: Of course, there have been numerous times when the Golden Power was almost taken... and I fear that now it will be no different. Have you heard?

CHWOKA: Hm? What's going on now?

SKULLB: There is a man of the Gerudo who the king is taking a shine to. I fear he may be trying to get to the Golden Power.

CHWOKA: Wait... this is new.

NOXIGAR: Good. Then maybe you can stop being a predictable sourpuss about everything for once.

SKULLB: Don't you know? Within the castle walls, there lies a fragment of the Golden Power... and I'm afraid we're without a hero.

CHWOKA: ... Really.

SKULLB: Yes, really. ... Now, then. Chwoka. I want you to wake the boy without a fairy.

CHWOKA: You mean Bl-

SKULLB: Yes. Precisely. Now go, Chwoka. Go and wake him. His journey is about to begin.

NOXIGAR: A lot of this feels like copypasta from one of the N64 Zelda games. Or was it a Gamecube Zelda game that's copypasted here?

{Fade to black.}

NOXIGAR: Welp. I should probably go find another inactive work the Choom Gang has, or maybe I should riff something else. It's too bad, since this was one of exceptionally few that had any promise whatsoever.