(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Jose/episode1
Summary
In this goofy episode, the ring decide's it's time to have a "meeting" with the rivals at Space Poland!
NAMINE: So there is a Space Poland!
LEX: Yeah... how about that...?
NAMINE: I have more in common with you than with Nox, especially when I get into character proper.
NAMINE: I'd ask why you were in favour of Noxigar & Vanilla Ice as a couple, but... I can only assume Dan bribed you to exclude me from Ben & Alex's United States Adventure?
LEX: Oh, fuck. Fuck.
NAMINE: I only just learned Space Jose actually exists.
LEX: Look, Namine. It's nothin' personal, I... I...
NAMINE: ...am at a loss for words?
LEX: Yeah. Also, you're unnerving me.
{Short pause.}
NAMINE: My apologies. I've been on edge lately, after reading Ben & Alex. Noxigar gets a good laugh at it, and compares it to Bell Quest in its superb quality. I'm not as fond of that as him, though.
LEX: Maybe I can try to win you over by rewriting Ben & Alex in such a fashion that you'll begrudgingly like it?
NAMINE: Your "Katawa Hearts" tactic might not be as potent on me as it would be on Noxigar.
LEX: Of course you'd know about my plans.
NAMINE: My recognizing the name "Scotty Touchdown" wasn't a giveaway?
LEX: No, I kind of just thought Noxigar put a part of his heart in you and assumed he took control for a few seconds.
{Short pause, again.}
Transcript
NARRATOR: The year is 2014.
NAMINE: That's funny. I didn't know Space Mexico existed two years ago.
LEX: I don't think Dan meant to throw you out of the loop.
NAMINE: It still cheeses me off.
Countries are moving from Earth to outer space. On the country of Space Mexico lives Jose Morales, President of Space Mexico, Janitor of Space Mexico, and ringleader of the Ring. The Ring is an exclusive group of the 7 richest Space Mexicans. The Ring includes Jose, AVGN Morales (naive son of Jose),
NAMINE: I POOP ON GAME!!!!!!!!
LEX: Why are you copying my joke?
NAMINE: Very well. Darn the lava, we will cross it.
NAMINE: I thought it was the only way to accept the Angry Video Game Nerd's existence.
LEX: It is, it is.
Noxigar Guadalupe (the brains of the Ring),
NAMINE: Was this before or during Noxigar's attempts to possess the surname "Bellucci?"
LEX: It was originally Belluci, but I wanted to change it to Bellinski.
NAMINE: I appreciate Bellinski a lot more.
Debonair D'Arque (supremely edgy Space French immigrant with a heart of gold and a hatred of Space Polish president Arkadiusz "James" Rosenberg), CD-I Mario (a drifter once part of Wikihood canon), Simon "Honeydew" Lane (a galaxy famous news reporter esteemed for his smart thinking and weather prediction skills),
NAMINE: Simon "Honeydew" Lane is vaguely creative. I would surmise he's from somewhere, like the others?
and Lexon Darkheart (a mentally insane immigrant that inherited major cash through his great grandfather's will).
LEX: Oh, knobs. Now I really wish Noxigar had just let the name Lexon Darkheart rip in pepperonis.
NAMINE: Why's that?
LEX: I think he just ran with it. He has a different opinion about names and naming conventions. It's weird.
LEX: It was just another edgy phase of mine. I feel remorse for it and "Sephiroth," actually.
NAMINE: Yet you permit Noxigar to write about Lexon Darkheart?
This is the story of Jose and the Ring.
{Open to the cockpit of the USS Space Mexico. Jose is piloting the ship when Noxigar and CD-I Mario walk in.}
NOXIGAR: Ey ese whats good?
{Namine looks at Lex.}
NAMINE: Yeah, "ese." What's good?
JOSE: What do you need my very rich companions?
CD-I MARIO: All toasters toast toaster!!!
LEX: Sodding 2007 YouTube Poops.
NAMINE: I know, right? Spa-dinner needs to be done more creatively.
NAMINE: Hanging around Noxigar taught me many things. Oh, so many things.
LEX: No, I mean we worshiped the shit out of it.
NAMINE: You used to not curse.
LEX: Et tu, Namine?
NOXIGAR: Ya see boss... What he's trying to say is that he thinks it's time to have a little business meeting with the Space Poland ring.
JOSE: Que
NOXIGAR: I mean we should trick them and kill them
CD-I MARIO: Like my good friend CD-I LUIGI once said.... I hope their blood has the consistency of spaghetti sauce...
NAMINE: Oh, now he talks with consistency. The fuck?
LEX: We've used them, too. Nox and I wrote 'em out-of-character.
JOSE: True that CD-I Mario yknow. These are some tough times and the Space Polish can't take our cheap labor business away from us
NOXIGAR: We'll send them a letter tomorrow. As my good friend Coach X would say...... Stay frosty...
NAMINE: Coach X and Noxigar were never friends.
LEX: Wait, really?
NAMINE: Uh, no. I believe that was Count X and Count X wasn't that fond of Nox either.
{Cut to the Feisty Polak casino in the Polish Ring room. The Polish Ring is sitting around a Pole-ker table.
NAMINE: How quaint.
Arkadiusz is opening an envelope. He reads it out loud.}
ARKADIUSZ: Okay men we have a leter
{Namine begins to open her mouth to speak, when Lex intervenes.}
LEX: Dan really doesn't give a damn for good grammar. Don't bother.
{Namine nods co-operatively, smiling at Lex.}
from our good friends the Belarusians. Allow me to conveniently read it out loud for you good friends
H44WP: Oh yes very good xaxaxaxa!
NAMINE: What was your guys' deal with Homsar44withpie?
LEX: He was a stick in the mud, more or less. He pretty much kept inconsequentially enforcing rules that would be meaningless in the lawless lands of the WUW.
NAMINE: Good for him.
NAMINE: Woo is you, right?
LEX: Nox and I were settling a new frontier.
NAMINE: Oh, I remember. You guys still like Everything You Know Is Wrong, correct?
{Lex nods.}
LEX: Yeah. Briar actually wanted to make a spiritual successor.
SAMARAIZGE: Wspaniały!!! Xaxaxa
ARKADIUSZ: "Hello good Polak comrades. I am Sheldon Cooper, president and ringleader of the dirty Space Belarusians. Bazoiple! As it turns out i want to have a meeting with you. Meet me in the Space Mexican Moonbase. Don't ask me why it's not in the Belarusian moonbase. Bazoiple! My mom sent my N64 and we can play that. With lots of Bazoiple, Shelly Coops."
LIAME: That isn't suspicious at all!!! {Makes fire and burns pole-ker cards}
H44WP: I will bring my rule 1.6 if anything goes wrong. I hope I dont have to use it but i am very good at 1.6
LEX: Who wasn't good at 1.6, doe? :9
{Every Polish Ring member sings the Space Polish national anthem and downs an entire bottle of Absolwent}
{Cut to the Mexican Moonbase's meeting room. The Ring is waiting patiently, each with an AR-15 and a bottle of Tequila. AVGN is playing the saxophone as the ring watches. After he is finished, they break into applause.}
NAMINE: Two descriptive scene/scene changes? What gives?
LEX: I think this might've been edited, in the event Noxigar ever found out about this himself and wanted to riff it.
NAMINE: Looks like someone's under pressure.
{Short pause.}
NAMINE: What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
LEX: You mean you're not going to mention your riff of Jose's Mexican Space Adventure to him?
NAMINE: I see no reason to. You and Dan are the ones to replace me with Vanilla Ice, on a whim.
LEX: ...
{The Polish open the door and catch the Ring off guard. At first, they are confused, but then they realize the ruse. Honeydew escorts them inside, guns pointed. They are sat down and blindfolded. HW44WP has his 1.6 confiscated. A random Pole is shot, and Liame falls to the ground, dying.}
HONEYDEW: 'ooks like we got oursalvs a spashil guest here m8s
{Honeydew pulls the blindfold off of an unfamiliar pole's head, who is revealed to be Chaos. Noxigar and Lexon Darkheart have looks of surprise on their face. Lexon walks up to Chaos and whispers in his ear.}
LEXON DARKHEART: ay fool join the ring and i'll free the poles yo
NAMINE: In spite of the awesome Lexon Darkheart name-
LEX: It's, it's not awesome.
LEX: Can you please drop this and riff Space-Aged Stupidity?
NAMINE: Fine. In spite of the average name, you are actually in-character.
{Lexon Darkheart pulls Chaos up and gives him the shoes off his feet}
LEXON: You're mexican now Chaos....
{Chaos lets out a single manly tear. The remaining polak ring members are released and sent flying back to Space Poland in a rocket ship. Cut to the Ring and Chaos partying with the body of Liame on the floor.}
CHAOS: Boy oh boy I love tequila!
NAMINE: Seriously? That's, that's the character trait you're going to establish first?
DEBONAIR: C'est ce que maman a dit!
{Cut to credits. Still images from the episode are shown over the credits and the sax song AVGN was playing.}
The End.
NAMINE: There's one more episode of this, and I'll try to keep calm in front of the lads.
{Short pause.}
LEX: Very well.
