RiffText/Everything You Know Is Wrong/Episodes/2

Synopsis

Eric becomes an X-men character of unfathomable awesomeness,

LIGHTNING GUY: It's unfathomable because there is none.

Cyrus makes an army of Lucarios and succeeds when Homestar Tiger fuses Charizard DNA alongside it, Sam the Man impersonates Rob Burgundy, and stupidity ensues.

Transcript

{Eric goes to his fridge in the kitchen.}

ERIC: Let's get me some Cheetos.

LIGHTNING GUY: Let's get you some 1st grade education.

{Eric opens the fridge to obtain a canister of glowing green Cheetos. He goes to the table and begins eating several Cheetos. After about 15 Cheetos, Eric transforms into the Juggernaut.

LIGHTNING GUY: The what.

Eric gets a headache and goes to his bathroom to get some Tylenol when he sees himself in the mirror.}

ERIC: Sweet! I'm the freakin' Juggernaut!

LIGHTNING GUY: The freakin' what!

Let's go kick some butt.

{Eric walks out of the bathroom offscreen. Cut to Cyrus in his laboratory}

CYRUS: Yes! These lab results will make my army of loyal Lucarios more powerful than any Pokemon.

LIGHTNING GUY: You have way too much time on your hands.

Not even Shedinja will be able to withstand the awesomeness of this army!

{Cyrus triggers several green and blue switches. Homestar Tiger appears}

HST: Hey, Cyrus! You forgot to pull this switch!

LIGHTNING GUY: Is he going to take off his pants?

{HST pulls an orange switch. Cyrus has an enraged look on his face.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Orange? OH MY GOSH HE DIDN'T

CYRUS: No, my army of Lucarios is ruined!

{Cut to the bilogical

LIGHTNING GUY: It's logical on both sides, I see.

tube containing Lucario's DNA. The orange switch causes Charizard's DNA to also be in the biological tube. The tube starts glowing red and explodes. A crossbreed of Charizard and Lucario appears from the smoke.}

CYRUS: Yes, it's a chemical success!

LIGHTNING GUY: But 5 seconds ago you said it was failure. What

{Cut to the Charizard-Lucario hybrid hugging its creator. Homestar Tiger blows some tissues, apparently crying.}

LIGHTNING GUY: If you're crying, stop blowing on those tissues and make use of them!

HST: Can't you imagine a more beautiful sight?

LIGHTNING GUY: No, I'm pretty sure I can.

{Cut to a group of hooded people at a bar. Among them is Clamburger.}

CLAMBURGER: Attention, everyone! This is the anti-Bonus Stage cult! We must demolish Matt Wilson! Anyone care to supply us with weaponry?

LIGHTNING GUY: The funny thing is that Matt Wilson is an avid member of the cult.

{Cut to Cow Puncher in the Thunder Bluff elevator.}

COW PUNCHER: I'm here to punch cows!

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, that's why his name is Cow Puncher.

{Cow Puncher is impeded by several Bluffwatchers, who try to tear him to pieces using huge axes.

LIGHTNING GUY: Hands tear things to pieces. Axes cut things to pieces. I know. I've killed men with both.

Cow Puncher dodges them, punching them back with fist weaponry.}

COW PUNCHER: Ha, ha! I am teh winner! You are teh n00bertz!

LIGHTNING GUY: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

{Cut to see that all of that footage was revealed to be in Sephiroth's television}

SEPHIROTH: Wow, and Shadow Scythe thinks he can use Newgrounds? Ha! Newgrounds is a load o' rubbish!

LIGHTNING GUY: You see, he said rubbish because that's what British people say and he's British and you get the point.

{Shadow Scythe pops up from behind Sephiroth's couch. He carries his tentacles.}

LIGHTNING GUY: {screams} My childhood!

SHADOW SCYTHE: I'll show you a load o' rubbish! Prepare to be destroyed!

{Shadow Scythe's tentacles are about to wrap around Sephiroth. Cut to Sam the Man in his anchorman outfit.}

SAM THE MAN: {impersonating Rob Burgundy} Attention, everyone! This is the Neighborhood Watch Community! This is the Neighborhood Watch Community,

LIGHTNING GUY: I got it the first time.

reminding everyone that tentacle assault is illegal.

LIGHTNING GUY: What about tentacle sexual assault?

Thank you and have a safe day!

{Cut back to Sephiroth, who uses his long blade to cut Shadow Scythe's tentacles}

SHADOW SCYTHE: Darn you,

LIGHTNING GUY: 4Kids4Wimps

Neighborhood Watch Community!

SEPHIROTH: I should have more lines than this!

LIGHTNING GUY: The English: never satisfied.

{Cloud pops up with his sword}

CLOUD: You rang?

{Sephiroth and Cloud have a long swordfight.

LIGHTNING GUY: {an hour later} Will someone get freaking cut already?

Cut to the Broternal Oder of Different Helmets}

HOMESTAR: Owdew! Owdew!

{Cut to Sam the Man, this time dressed up as Rob Burgundy instead of impersonating his voice.}

SAM THE MAN: This is Action News. Today a lot of stupid stuff happened on this wiki.

LIGHTNING GUY: Slow day?

We'd like to apologize for interrupting your program, and we assure you that Shadow Scythe's tentacles will not cause any more technical difficulties.

{Shadow Scythe pops up}

SHADOW SCYTHE: I'll show you technical difficulties!

{Shadow Scythe envelops his tentacles around Sam the Man's neck.

LIGHTNING GUY: How does anyone find this arousing?

Cut to Strong Bad, who has entered the living room}

STRONG BAD: Hey, Homestar, have you seen the XBox?

{Cut to Homestar, sitting on the couch.}

HOMESTAR: It's wight hewe...

LIGHTNING GUY: In my pa-

in my pants...

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh...OK.

{Strong Bad shows his left leg

LIGHTNING GUY: Scandalous.

and proceeds towards Homestar, ready to kick. Cut to Eric in the same living room. He's still the Juggernaut.}

LIGHTNING GUY: The what.

ERIC: Woohoo! Let's get that XBox!

LIGHTNING GUY: Whoa! Pause!

{Eric heads toward that same couch, where an XBox is behind it. He smells it.}

ERIC: Why do I smell skunk?

{Cut to Shwoo in Bubs' Concession Stand}

SHWOO: Hola, Bubs.

LIGHTNING GUY: It's 'cause he's a Mexican, isn't it?

BUBS: Hola, senorita! What can I getcha?

SHWOO: Uh, do you have any 1.6 Rulebreakers?

LIGHTNING GUY: You're in one.

BUBS: Eh, I'm all out of thems. I can getcha a the Cheat.

{Bubs takes out the Cheat from a cooler}

BUBS: Cold like ice cream!

SHWOO: Uh... no thanks.

{End 'sode.}

LIGHTNING GUY: {stereotypical black accent} Yeah, I be poppin' open them sodes and devouring that delicious high fructose corn syrup. They call it the white man's poison, but I calls it good!

Spot the References

LIGHTNING GUY: Sorry. I have a life.

Comments

Meh. Comment here.

Comment! Comment comment? Comment comment comment!!1 User:ApocalypX/sig 23:04, 3 October 2007 (UTC)

Uh... translation? Noxigar 17:25, 5 October 2007 (UTC)