RiffText/Everything You Know Is Wrong/Episodes/1

Synopsis

Noxigar ventures through the Caverns of Time into the Homestar Runner Universe, pursued by Vindicator for some odd reason not worth looking into,

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah. If I had a stalker after me, I wouldn't be too concerned about reasons.

the sysops can't get a lunch break, and every Homestar Runner character is bent on attracting the HRFWiki's attention.

Transcript

{Cut to Strong Bad in his computer room. He is applying a wallpaper of taurens from World of Warcraft punching each other to a wall}

STRONG BAD: Ah, there we go! We've got cows punching each other...

LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because they look nothing like cows.

what's the next wallpaper, the Cheat?

LIGHTNING GUY: They look closer to bulls, really...

{The Cheat's left hand

LIGHTNING GUY: Specifics are important.

gives Strong Bad an Organization XIII poster and a Half-Life poster, respectively}

LIGHTNING GUY: Specifics are important.

STRONG BAD: I gotta get these wallpapers in by Monday or else I have to delay my SBemail checking to Wednesday... Aw, crap! That's Homestar's day for SBemailchecking...

LIGHTNING GUY: He has a day? Why would you give him a day? Letting him anywhere near a computer doesn't seem wise.

I gotta hurry! The Cheat! Pass the scissors! We'll attract the HRFWiki users soon, and then we'll be more famous than we already were!

{Cut to Homestar in his room, decorating his room with bacon. Marzipan is there, too, looking very displeased with Homestar}

HOMESTAR: I will outwit the Bacon Man!

LIGHTNING GUY: You better be careful, though. That dude always has a trick up his sleeve.

MARZIPAN: Homestar, what is the meaning of this? This is terrible! Those poor pigs!

HOMESTAR: Thems hewe waw pigs wewe given to me by Bubs. I'm attwacting HRFWiki usews before Stwong Bad!

MARZIPAN: Do you have to hang bacon in your bedroom?

HOMESTAR: Yes.

MARZIPAN: That's it. I'm getting that chainsaw. Arms won't be the only thing you're missing...

LIGHTNING GUY: Mutilating a person is much less wrong than mutilating a pig.

{Marzipan runs off, muttering to herself. Cut to Homestar's basement, where the chainsaw is. There is a cloaked figure, wearing Organization XIII getup.}

???: Hmm... do you enjoy having a HRF Wiki member in your boyfriend's house?

LIGHTNING GUY: "No, but an HRFWiki member would be fine!"

{Marzipan gasps and faints. ??? throws Marzipan in a laundry dryer, and activates the landry

LIGHTNING GUY: Pandry.

dryer, heading upstairs. Another cloaked figure, this time armed with a scythe and a name tag that says, "Vindicator" appears.}

VINDICATOR: Why that little...

LIGHTNING GUY: Why that little? It made like that!

{Vindicator runs upstairs. The laundry dryer is still on. Cut to ??? in Homestar's bedroom, with Homestar bound and gagged to his own bed.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, thank God. I thought he was bound and gagged to mine.

This music plays throughout the background.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Linking off-site is never necessary for these actions. In fact, I might go as far as to say it's unnecessary.

???: Geez, can't I get a break today? Especially with everyone hunting me down.

{Cut to HRF Wiki. There are 6 people on computers working. Each are called sysops, and each have their names written in order: Ekul, Joshua, Clamburger, Shwoo, Markie, and Thatkidsam}

CLAMBURGER: So...many...vandals. Must...get...lunch...break...

LIGHTNING GUY: "You'll eat when I tell you to eat!" said Super Sam.

EKUL: Chill, we'll get lunch soon. After we trace this guy's IP address for no apparent reason.

LIGHTNING GUY: I love trusting these guys.

SHWOO: Look, we've been at this for six straight days. Can't you guys let me finish Reality is a Harsh Mistress?

THATKIDSAM: I blocked the vandal. Now let's go before more people vandalize!

MARKIE: I'll stay and patrol the Recent changes

LIGHTNING GUY: I KNOW WHERE IT IS.

page. I had a huge breakfast today. About 27 pancakes.

JOSHUA: I love pancakes! Pancakes are awesome!

LIGHTNING GUY: What the crap did you give Joshua?

{Everyone except Markie leaves, bringing their laptops with them downstairs to a Burger King.}

{Cut to ??? and Vindicator attacking each other. ??? has two red chakrams

LIGHTNING GUY: You expect me to know what this is?

and Vindicator uses his scythe. Homestar is still bound and gagged to his bed.}

???: Prepare to feel the wrath of Organization XIII!

{??? creates a wall of fire. It burns the entire house.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Not to mention protect from unwanted hackers!

VINDICATOR: Noxigar, you idiot! You've burnt the entire house!

NOXIGAR: That isn't so bad for an Organization XIII member such as myself. NWORB ENAJ YESLEK!

LIGHTNING GUY: {gets prepped for another backwards word rant} I

{Noxigar transforms into Demyx, carrying a blue sitar instead of red chakrams }

NOXIGAR: Dance, water, dance!

LIGHTNING GUY: DAAANCE, MY PUPPETS!

{Several water elementals randomly pop up out of nowhere and begin dousing the flames out of the house. Vindicator gets a shocked expression from his face.}

LIGHTNING GUY: He does have a pretty ugly mug.

VINDICATOR: This is harder than the manuel makes it appear...

LIGHTNING GUY: That's probably because he Manuel knows what he's doing.

{Noxigar activates a portal and transforms into Illidan Stormrage.}

LIGHTNING GUY: You seriously cannot expect me to know what these things are!

NOXIGAR: Later, sucker!

{Noxigar goes through the portal, Vindicator running behind him. The portal reveals that they've transported to Strong Bad's house. Cut to Strong Bad in his room, having finally gotten all the wallpapers up. The Cheat is asleep on Strong Bad's Lappy 486.}

STRONG BAD: Phew! That was close.

{Noxigar and Vindicator each enter Strong Bad's room.}

STRONG BAD: Didn't you learn to knock first?

LIGHTNING GUY: "I was having a private moment with these wallpapers."

NOXIGAR: Didn't you learn to shut yer yap?

LIGHTNING GUY: Derp derp derp?

VINDICATOR: {panting in between words} Didn't...you...learn...to...surrender...to...the...Combine?

STRONG BAD: {grinning} Well, well, well... if it isn't the Organization XIII dweeb and Combine. Welcome to my home! I likes the wallpaper design!

LIGHTNING GUY: I likes this dialogue!

NOXIGAR: Do you like mudkips?

LIGHTNING GUY: That's it. I'm out of here. {gets up and leaves}

STRONG BAD: Was that a rhetorical question?

VINDICATOR: Don't answer it Strong Bad. IT'S A TRAP!

LIGHTNING GUY: {walks back in} My ride can't come. I hope I missed something.

{Vindicator attempts to slash Noxigar with his scythe, but Noxigar slightly ducks to the left.}

NOXIGAR: Relax, people. I'm sure we can come to some agreement if I know whether or not Strong Bad likes mudkips.

LIGHTNING GUY: {opens cell phone} You sure you can't dispose of that dead hooker somewhere else?

STRONG BAD: I'll answer yes just to see what your reaction is.

NOXIGAR: Then I'll call The Pizz and order two extra-large Mudkip pizzas!

LIGHTNING GUY: {closes cell phone} I hate my life.

{Strong Bad snickers and then laughs}

STRONG BAD: Mudkip pizzas? What are you smokin'?

LIGHTNING GUY: What isn't he smokin'?

{Strong Bad rolls on the floor laughing. Noxigar attempts to sneak away, but Vindicator chases after him. Noxigar reaches a dead end within Strong Bad's hallway. Pan to Vindicator grinning. The music stops.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, that terrible mid was playing this entire time?

VINDICATOR: Time to surrender, Noxigar. Any last words before you get put back in jail?

{Noxigar turns his head away from Vindicator}

VINDICATOR: Well then.

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm sure Then is very well.

{Vindicator takes out some handcuffs}

VINDICATOR: You're under arrest for abusing the purpose of the Sandbox,

LIGHTNING GUY: Who doesn't?

making me look like a clown,

LIGHTNING GUY: What? Only you can do that?

and for use of unapproved subliminal messaging. Don't worry, Roxas won't be there.

{Noxigar's eyes turn red.}

NOXIGAR: {in an angry tone} Did you say Roxas?

LIGHTNING GUY: I hate that guy!

{Vindicator grins widely}

VINDICTOR: Why, yes. I plan on turning you in to him so you can be nothing instead of nobody.

LIGHTNING GUY: But you just said he wouldn't be there. It's not generally polite to contradict yourself.

NOXIGAR: Actually, come to think of it, I do have some last words: I'ma firin' mah lazer!

LIGHTNING GUY: {opens phone} PLEASE!

{Noxigar gets out his left sleeve, turns it into a Megaman buster, and shoots a huge yellow laser at Vindicator. He then runs away.}

LIGHTNING GUY: DON'T YOU HANG UP ON M-crap. {closes phone}

VINDICATOR: Dangit, why do I let him use those words?

{Cut to Strong Sad in his room, hearing every word Noxigar and Vindicator said}

STRONG SAD: Interesting... so looks like a manhunt for an Organization XIII member is afoot.

LIGHTNING GUY: I better start placing my bets, then.

{Strong Sad heads outside to see Noxigar running. Strong Sad chases after him.}

STRONG SAD: Get back here! I want to talk to you!

LIGHTNING GUY: "And maybe drive a knife into your heart! A hundred dollars is a lot of money!"

{Noxigar makes a portal to The Field. He runs to Bubs' Concession Stand. He sees a wanted poster for him.

LIGHTNING GUY: Who would want a poster of him?

There doesn't seem to be a reward on there. He continues running past The Field. Strong Sad and Vindicator follow suit and chase after Noxigar. Cut to the Burger King. Shwoo and Ekul are there.}

SHWOO: Time to relax.

EKUL: Agreed. Isn't it hard having to ban twenty-seven million vandals?

LIGHTNING GUY: You don't even have twenty-seven million users. Traffic fraud is the worst kind of fraud.

{Nothing happens for 5 seconds.

LIGHTNING GUY: Best five seconds of my life.

A mistletoe appears. Then Shwoo and Ekul kiss each other,

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, god. Sysop shipping. Get it out of my mind!

the mistletoe between them. Cut to Marzipan having managed to get out of the dryer somehow. She is all messed up, having been in the dryer for far too long.}

MARZIPAN: Let's get that chainsaw...

{Marzipan struggles but manages to get the chainsaw in her deformed state. She goes upstairs and sees Homestar bound and gagged to his own bed. Marzipan activates the chainsaw and

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, what horrors will follow? The suspense is killing me!

chops the rope off.

LIGHTNING GUY: That was anticlimactic.

Homestar ungags himself.}

HOMESTAR: Thanks, Mawzipan.

MARZIPAN: Untwirl me, I've been stuck in a dryer for far too long.

HOMESTAR: Alwight.

{Cut to Noxigar, Strong Sad, and Vindicator running through a jungle, in that exact order.

LIGHTNING GUY: Specifics are important.

Strong Sad manages to catch up with Noxigar, but gets stuck in quicksand. Vindicator jumps on top of Strong Sad,

LIGHTNING GUY: <insert rape joke here>

forcing Strong Sad to drown in the quick sand. Noxigar hides in a vine-covered computer room, but Vindicator doesn't see this. He gives up chase, sighing with surrender.}

VINDICATOR: I swear, the next time I detect Noxigar in the Caverns of Time, it will be his last time being detected by me.

LIGHTNING GUY: "Because I'll give up after that!"

{Vindicator opens a portal out of the jungle, and goes through it. Cut to Noxigar.}

NOXIGAR: Let me exact these coordinates, and I should be out. I need more money so I can screw more rules.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh yeah, I forgot. This is supposed to be an abridged series. And apparently his idea of an abridged series is referencing abridged series as much as possible without actually abridging anything. Shame on me for not assuming that.

{A portal opens and Noxigar goes through it. Cut to Shwoo and Ekul, still kissing at the Burger King.

LIGHTNING GUY: So...traumatized.

An alarm clock reads, "12:00". Noxigar exits the portal on top of the table.}

NOXIGAR: Uh, guys? How was my test run through the Caverns of Time?

{Ekul and Shwoo stop kissing and look at Noxigar sheepishly.}

EKUL: We didn't check 'cause we were so busy banning vandals.

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah, that's what you were doing.

SHWOO: Yeah... and we didn't get our lunch break neither.

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think I'll want to eat anything for the next few days.

{Ekul, Shwoo, and Noxigar all walk offscreen}

NOXIGAR: Wanna go get milkshakes?

EKUL AND SHWOO: Another time, mate.

LIGHTNING GUY: Because Ekul's Australian, too.

{A "THE END sign appears to replace the wanted poster at Bubs' Concession Stand}

Spot the References

Trivia

• The sysops are people who patrol this wiki and vandalize ban vandals.

LIGHTNING GUY: I did not know that.

Goofs

• Shwoo actually finished Reality is a Harsh Mistress before becoming a sysop. The joke is that now she spends most of her time being a sysop, ignoring her fanstuffs (or so Noxi believes).

Inside References

• Noxigar references The Pizz, attempting to call for two Mudkip pizzas.
• A few inside wiki jokes are referred to:
  • Punching cows is an inside joke on the wiki, and there is a user that is a Cow Puncher.
  • The Bacon Man, while also being a reference to Bonus Stage, is also an inside joke on the wiki.

Real-World References

• Mudkip is a famous Pokemon that is insanely popular amongst the Internet. Why he is popular I will never know.

LIGHTNING GUY: It's called research.

• Vindicator is a fan of Half-Life 2, or more specifically, the Combine, an alien race in said game.

• HOMESTAR: I will outwit the Bacon Man!
  • That's a reference to Bonus Stage, and is also a Fanstuff Wiki inside joke.

• The Caverns of Time is an instance dungeon from World of Warcraft that allows you to go back in time to see events of importance.

• "I'ma firin' my lazer" is a reference to Shoop-Da-Whoop, a internet fad that was started when a picture of a blackface Imperfect Cell with a gaping mouth and red lips arised. There were three, actually. One saying "Imma Chargin' Mah Lazer!" One saying "Imma Firin' Mah Lazer!" and another one with a lazer coming out of it's mouth saying "SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!". Some consider it as a racist joke known as a "[African-American] beam"

LIGHTNING GUY: African -Americsn is in brackets because that wasn't the original word used. By the way, pool's closed due to AIDS.

Comments

Leave comments here. I don't think I have to say much else. Noxigar 17:00, 9 October 2007 (UTC)

Shwoo and Ekul? ARGHH! - User:Chwoka