(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/AruseusEmails/ultimatum
Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Homestar, Ert Plus, Strong Bad, Homsar, Takuya Rasmuson, Tom, Garzel, Various characters, Fang Wolf, Alpha Stan
Places: Computer Room, The Field, Unknown Area, Tom's House, Ert's Workshop, Ultimatum Core, Aruseus' Room, Cemetery, Some Light Area
Computer: E-Mach 1000
Finished Date: November 22nd, 2007
NAMINE: The closer Arceus gets to 2008, the more I worry about the quality of this email.
Contents
The Movie Trailer
{black screen, these words fade in white}
NAMINE: Until the Fire Nation attacked
{Cut to the Computer Room}
ARUSEUS: I rule the school!
NAMINE: Was JCM responsible for assassinating the principal or something?
{Cut to The Field, a tall black building stands tall, the skies are dark, and lightning flashes}
NAMINE: It's up to you, Arceus, to not screw this email up.
NAMINE: I fear for humanity.
HOMESTAR: I'll be happy to help!
NAMINE: "I get paid to stand awound and be a backgwound chawactew!"
ERT: You got it.
STRONG BAD: Do I have to work with HIM!?
HOMSAR: I do whaaAaaat I'm told...
HOMSAR: Recycling can bring the Geneva Accords to the masked man's knees.
NAMINE: Yeah, I agree. This was a poorly-used recycled line.
{the refrain to Matchbox 20's "How Far We've Come" plays}
NAMINE: Aww, I like Matchbox 20! How can I let this go? Why don't you let this go?
NAMINE: "...checking a halfway decent email."
{Aruseus stands in front of the Ultimatium}
ARUSEUS: Let's do this.
NAMINE: Coming soon... "Hey, ya, Maurice! How's Debonair D'Arque treatin' ya?"
{end of trailer}
Part 1: The End Begins
{We cut to a dark area with a shadowy figure resembling Slick, He seems to be in a chair, driving a hovercraft}
??????: Ok, looks like smooth sailing ahead.
{The screen flashes red}
NAMINE: "Aw, no. Not the movie sign! Of all the-"
??????: What the!? An alert? Oh no...my homeworld is being assaulted…
{The figure flies down to Earth, We cut to the Computer Room}
ARUSEUS: {singing} I'll sing along, Yeah with every word on my email, just sing along, I'm the king of email check!
{Aruseus clicks the email icon}
Clever Mr. Rasmuson...Cleverly done, Mr. Rasmuson, but you're not supposed to be here.
As a matter of fact, you're not.
I want to give you an offer you won't regret.
DESTROY THE ULTIMATIUM, the tall black building in the city that is crippling the city slowly.
I have a note: You and your friends discover they've somehow escaped both the reactor explosion and my malevolent grasp. Before you can ponder their miraculous survival, the crippled Ultimatium lurches back to life just long enough to initiate a self-destruct sequence. With your friends at your side, you must flee a city in chaos before the Ultimatium's final detonation turns the country into a toxic, mutant-infested crater.
Until we meet again, Lord ApocalypX the 1st of the Ultimatum
{Namine blinks at the wall of text in front of her. She reads it in full detail, wondering why this happened.}
NAMINE: {under her breath} The legendary Lord ApocalypX...
ARUSEUS: {typing} Woah! Too long, Apoca...wait...LARRY!? You're sending me this? Well let me give you three good reasons why this should get deleted. One, it's too long, two, it's addressed to the wrong person, and three, DELETED!
DELETED!
NAMINE: Oh, how anticlimatic!
{Namine checks how long the email is. It is signficiantly longer than even Email 51.}
NAMINE: Okay, I can sit through this.
ARUSEUS: Aw yeah! I p-owned that long email! Now I might check another and-
{The mysterious figure from before comes in, turning out to be a tall, blue, anthromorphic fox with khaki jeans and a black shirt with "White Lightning" written on it and a white lightning bolt.}
NAMINE: Oh, not Lightning Guy! He was annoying in JCMovies!
??????: Excuse me?
ARUSEUS: Slick!? Am I failing gym!?
NAMINE: That's your first thought.
??????: Slick? Who the crap is Slick? Well, anyway, you got an email, right?
ARUSEUS: Yeah...I get them every day.
NAMINE: Wait, every day? Then what about the timespan between this email and the previous one?
??????: Who was it adressed to and what did it say?
ARUSEUS: Dunno, someone named Raspustin
NAMINE: Rasputin
and something about
{Namine puts a space between "something" and "about," somewhat exhausted from the numerous grammatical errors already evident in this email show.}
an ultimate frisbee...
??????: You mean Rasmuson and the ultimatum!?
ARUSEUS: That's it!
{The fox starts choking Aruseus}
??????: {furious} You IDIOT!
NAMINE: "You don't "skim" long emails which herald the beginning of a conflict! Only poorly-written protagonists do that!"
Now thanks to you, the world is doomed!
ARUSEUS: {gasping for air} I didn't know!
{The fox lets go}
ARUSEUS: Ok, so can we use some kinda recovery software to get it back?
{Something starts beeping, the fox pulls out a PDA}
??????: {reading}
Clever Mr. Rasmuson...Cleverly done, Mr. Rasmuson, but you're not supposed to be here.
As a matter of fact, you're not.
I want to give you an offer you won't regret.
DESTROY THE ULTIMATIUM, the tall black building in the city that is crippling the city slowly.
I have a note: You and your friends discover they've somehow escaped both the reactor explosion and my malevolent grasp. Before you can ponder their miraculous survival, the crippled Ultimatium lurches back to life just long enough to initiate a self-destruct sequence. With your friends at your side, you must flee a city in chaos before the Ultimatium's final detonation turns the country into a toxic, mutant-infested crater.
Until we meet again, Lord ApocalypX the 1st of the Ultimatum
NAMINE: I should ask Noxigar later if Vindicator just had a really bad case of villain complex.
??????: I just got the email. The world is doomed, unless I do something.
ARUSEUS: Let me help, too. This is my world too.
??????: All right. Oh, and my name's Takuya. Takuya Rasmuson.
{Namine blinks.}
NAMINE: How more pseudo-Japan can this character get?
ARUSEUS: All right, Takuya. Let's save the world. I'm Aruseus, by the way.
TAKUYA: Glad to meet you.
{They shake hands and walk off.}
END OF PART 1
Part 2: The Ultimatum
{Aruseus and Takuya are walking in The Field}
ARUSEUS: So what the crap is this Ultimatum anyway?
TAKUYA: It's a tall, black building capable of crippling an entire planet and...I don't wanna think about it...
ARUSEUS: I see. So...can we destroy it?
TAKUYA: {sighs} I...don't know. That thing has destroyed many worlds and taken many lives...it has been destroyed, but another one keeps coming! It seems to have been sent to all of the popular email checkers, so that the creator of the Ultimatum can destroy them.
NAMINE: Shoehorned flashbacks activate!
{flashback to GEmail: Ultimatum}
GUNHAVER: Man. This email is freakin' long. I do not understand a word of it! And it has scroll buttons!
{flashback to 1-Up Email: Ultimatum}
1-UP: {typing} Umm. {snaps out of it} That email is too long.
ARUSEUS: So I guess I'm next.
TAKUYA: Because of it's arrival,
NAMINE: its arrival
I have no family, no parents, and my original homeworld was destroyed!
ARUSEUS: Wow...must have been hard to know that.
TAKUYA: It is...but it's been destroyed before, let's hope we can destroy it for good.
ARUSEUS: Well, first we must warn my friends-
{The skies darken and a crash is heard, a strong gust of wind blows past the two}
ARUSEUS: What the parsley fruit!?
TAKUYA: Aw crap...
{Takuya and Aruseus find themselves standing in front of the Ultimatum}
ARUSEUS: RUN!
{Aruseus and Takuya run away and hide behind a rock}
NAMINE: These people are scared of a building? Oh, boy.
TAKUYA: Warn the others. I'll hold it off.
ARUSEUS: Ok! {runs off}
{Takuya pops up from behind the rock with a futuristic-looking machine gun}
TAKUYA: EAT LEAD YOU SON OF A CHEAT! {starts firing}
NAMINE: Takuya gave commas a full metal jacket.
{Cut to Tom's room}
ARUSEUS: Help!
TOM: Tall black building? Yeah, I'll go.
{Cut to Ert's Workshop}
ERT: Ok. I'll try to hold this thing off.
{Cut back to the rock, Takuya is firing, but runs out}
TAKUYA: AW MAN! I'm out of ammo!
{Aruseus runs in with Ert, Homestar, Tom, Garzel, and other people}
ARUSEUS: Go! NOW!
{Everybody starts running and fighting the Ultimatum}
ARUSEUS: Garzel! Get me and Takuya up to the core!
GARZEL: Ok. {folds body to jet form and flies to the sky with Takuya and Aruseus}
NAMINE: Garzel had a jet form? That'd have been nice to know for Everything You Know Is Wrong!
END OF PART 2
Part 3: Corruption
{Cut to the bottom of the Ultimatum, Tom and Ert are attacking it}
TOM: There's no stopping this thing!
ERT: I feel funny...
{Black liquid covers Tom and Ert}
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!
HOMESTAR: What the...
{Tom and ert get up, they are Ultimatum Minions, completly black with piercing yellow eyes, and they attack Homestar}
HOMESTAR: Argh!
{Suddenly we cut to Strong Bad and Fang, who are shooting at the Ultimatum}
STRONG BAD: What's with Ert, Tom, and Homestar?
FANG: {drops gun} Run.
STRONG BAD: Wha?
FANG: RUN!
STRONG BAD: Stay here! I'm going to blast them!
NAMINE: This conversation would be better if these two were robots.
FANG: NO! If you do you'll kill Tom, Ert, and Homestar!
STRONG BAD: Who cares about Ert and Homestar? I could live without them.
FANG: {Snatches Strong Bad's gun and tosses it away} JUST GO!
{They run}
FANG: {thinking} Hurry up, Aruseus, before it's to late...
NAMINE: too late
{Cut to the Ultimatum Core Room, Garzel flies past the opening and Takuya and Aruseus hop off}
TAKUYA: This is it. This is how we destroy the thing that killed my family.
ARUSEUS: What'll we do?
TAKUYA: {pulls out a metal ball with several glowing lights} Smart bomb. We attack this to the core and the explosion will power down the entire thing.
ARUSEUS: {looks out opening} Hurry up! Minions are approaching!
NAMINE: I have no exit, but I must leave.
TAKUYA: The bomb's on. Let's get out!
ARUSEUS: We're trapped!
TAKUYA: Take this! {Hands Aruseus a hoverboard}
ARUSEUS: Thanks!
{Takuya and Aruseus fly out and the core explodes. The Minions revert to their normal forms and Aruseus and Takuya land.}
TAKUYA: Well...that's finally over with-
{A tremor shakes the earth}
TAKUYA: No...It can't be!
NAMINE: No "PART 3 END" captions?
Part 4: Sacrifice
ARUSEUS: What just happened? I thought we...
TAKUYA: The self-destruct countdown. It's going to evaporate this entire world...
NAMINE: One building can do this?
ARUSEUS: What do we do?
ERT PLUS: Well, the ultimatum is in critical condition. There's no avoiding it self-destructing... WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!
NAMINE: How'd Ert Plus get in here?
TAKUYA: Wait. I have a plan.
ARUSEUS: What!?
TAKUYA: I will use a teleportation device on this thing, and teleport it into outer space, where you will all be saved.
NAMINE: You could talk less robotic, Takuya.
ARUSEUS: But...you'll...the explosion!
TAKUYA: It's for the best. It's for our world.
ARUSEUS: But...we had just started...becoming friends.
NAMINE: what
NAMINE: "Just started becoming friends" is usually a phrase reserved for either you spending more than twenty hours with someone minimum. Normally it takes a week, or more than a day.
TAKUYA: I know. And you we're a great friend. I'll miss you, but I have to do this.
ARUSEUS: Well...I guess...I'll see you someday.
TAKUYA: Yes...again...
{Takuya slowly walks to the Ultimatum, looks back at Aruseus, and slaps the device on it}
TAKUYA: THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY!
NAMINE: "I WILL REUNITE WITH THEM IN GLORIOUS NIPPON"
NAMINE: I kind of guessed Nippon was the "original name" of Japan. I think I guessed correctly.
{The Ultimatum and Takuya disappear, and a small explosion is seen in the sky}
ARUSEUS: ...Thank you. {walks away}
NAMINE: A lack of a "PART 4 END" caption's really busting my balls, man.
Part 5: Takuya Rasmuson: 1989 - 2007
{Cut to Aruseus' Room}
ARUSEUS: {voiceover} Takuya Rasmuson. He was a stranger to me who eventually became a hero. He was always putting ohers before himself, and today was one of his greatest times. I hope to see him again someday...
{Aruseus walks into the Computer Room}
ARUSEUS: Man, I'm gonna miss him...
Miss who?
ARUSEUS: Alpha Stan! I thought you...who brought you back?
Um...I can't recall.
ARUSEUS: Well, I guess it's time to get back to my job. Take it away, Papes!
{The Paper comes down}
You have a job?
ARUSEUS: Stan, you ditz! My job is to check fan emails sent by my adoring fans.
Ok, as long as you don't drive to your job.
ARUSEUS: Speaking of which, I'll try for my permit soon!
O DER.
ARUSEUS: But...I'm going to step out. Visit an old friend of mine. {walks off}
{Cut to a Cemetery, Aruseus stands there, staring at a grave}
ARUSEUS: {softly} Once again...thank you.
{A tear runs down Aruseus' face, and he walks away. Cut to some light area, we see a slightly transparent Takuya floating there}
TAKUYA: {in his mind} Mother...Father...it's so glad to see you again...
{Fade back to the Computer Room, the Paper is still there.}
NAMINE: I added a bracket and some apostrophes so the italization works.
Fun Facts
None, really.
NAMINE: How about the part where you ripped off Terminator, which plagiarized some other sci fi stuff?
NAMINE: But hey. The episode was long-ish enough even if the conflict was one-sided, Takuya and Arceus barely knew each other and yet think they're best friends, and the writing is still reprehensibly filled with grammar errors.
NAMINE: I now know longer emails do not mean better quality.
