RiffText/AruseusEmails/random

Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Tom, A Cresselia, Fang, Homestar, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Old-School Homestar, Lyle

Places: Computer Room, Aruseus' Room, The Stick, StrongBadia

Computer: E-Mach 1000

Date: July 14th, 2007

Transcript

ARUSEUS: Nine miles to email check, I know 'cuz I've been there before... {clicks the email icon}

subject: lacking, much?

Dear Aruseus,
I think your emails are lacking the sheer randomocity
I remember. Please bring back a random email!
Mr. Guy

NAMINE: First of all, it's randomosity
NAMINE: Second of all, the lolrandom is what's causing this email show to be less than stellar in the first place.

ARUSEUS: {typing} Randomocity? Ok. But to let you know... {clears screen}

ARUSEUS: {typing} I'm going to need do some...stuff....first. I know! I'll make a movie out of this random email! {walks out}

NAMINE: That's not even close to- wait, I somewhat get it almost right away.

{An hour later...}

NAMINE: This transition doesn't help how short the email is.

ARUSEUS: Rolling?

TOM: {offscreen} Yep.

ARUSEUS: Cool.

subject: lacking, much?

Dear Aruseus,
I think your emails are lacking the sheer randomocity
I remember. Please bring back a random email!
Mr. Guy

ARUSEUS: {typing} Oh yeah? Well, MEH! I'll re-write this!

NAMINE: So Arceus wastes an hour to film himself rewriting the email. That's completely reasonable.

{Aruseus rewrites the email to this}

subject: lacking, much?

Dear Aruseus,
I think your emails are lacking the pie
I remember. Please bring back pie!
Mr. Pie

ARUSEUS: HAH! Now, Mr. Pie, I'll bring you pie! But first...

NAMINE: What is it with you and pie? Is it like Vindicator and his animes?

{A Cresselia crashes through the wall}

CRESSELIA: {Cresselia noise}

ARUSEUS: Lets go!

{Aruseus hops upon the Cresselia, and it flies away}

{Namine stares blankly at Arceus riding Cresselia.}
NAMINE: Give me a sec, I am brainstorming erotic fiction thanks to this scene.

{Cut to Aruseus' room, Fang is in a doctors outfit, but is missing an arm. Aruseus stands next to him}

NAMINE: Shouldn't Fang get the day off? I feel it's highly unprofessional to be a medical doctor and only be able to use one arm.

ARUSEUS: Is it going to be okay?

FANG: I'm sorry to say this...but, I think my arm is having...a spaz attack!

NAMINE: I'm sorry to say this; but, I think a semicolon would be highly appropriate here instead of pointless ellipses

{Cut to a view of Aruseus' bed, Fang's missing arm is wiggling constantly}

ARUSEUS: Surely, you can't be serious!

FANG: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

NAMINE: Pointlessly referencing Airplane! is cool

NOXIGAR: I think I was guilty of that at some point in 2007.

NAMINE: Oh. I have a sudden, thrilling thought to continue my Aruseus and Cresselia erotic fiction.

{Five second pause}

FANG: Yeah. I'll take my arm back.

{Cut to The Stick, Aruseus and Homestar are having a kung-fu battle}

NAMINE: Great, pointless kung-fu. Quentin Tarantino is literally the only director who I know who does this sort of "senseless violence" nonsense and actually make it into a good series of worthwhile stories.

ARUSEUS: {in a dubbed voice} Aha! You cannot beat my kung-fu mastery!

HOMESTAR: {in a different dubbed voice} We will see about that. Kaiosomething!

{Homestar throws his star at Aruseus}

ARUSEUS: Sakanakana! {chucks his ring}

{The star and the ring collide and hit the ground}

HOMESTAR: {normal voice} Well that stunk.

{Aruseus farts randomly}

ARUSEUS: Sorry.

NAMINE: Was this scene supposed to be mocking Bell Quest and its gratuitous Japan nods? I really don't know, because the context here is so thoroughly lacking due to the excessive randomness of it all that I'm scrambling to eke out a thought which isn't involving Aruseus and Cresselia getting it on.

{Cut to Strongbadia, Aruseus stands in a bunker, rapidly shaking The Cheat, dressed up as Fightgar}

ARUSEUS: {imitating gun sounds} Pyeow! Pyew! Pyeow! Pyew!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} To protect the world from the evil forces of Blue Laser.

NAMINE: "Okay, I said the line correctly. Now, can you hand me my paycheck so I can get the heck out of here?"

{Cut back to E-Mach}

ARUSEUS: {in Imitation Strong Bad's Voice, typing} Is this what you call an e-mail? This does not even come close to being a decent e-mail.

NAMINE: That much I can agree on.

Why, this crap should be crapleted. I mean, a total crap is a crap crap Crautshank. Crappity crap.

NAMINE: This is where I disagree. Unlike Jhonen Vasquez, or other seemingly-reputable writers notoriously known for "lolrandom," you could've done a lot better with this email. For instance, you managed to successfully, even if by accident, manage to parody Quentin Tarantino and Im a bell within the same scene. That is the kind of professionalism which Noxigar keeps bragging about when talking about your email show. I'm still disillusioned by this email show and why it was so hyped back in 2007, but I can at least sleep knowing you have decent writing potential that really shouldn't go to waste, just because you're being overly Anvilicious. I mean, it's off-putting enough when Joss Whedon does it such that Noxigar really can't enjoy anything that guy has made, but at any rate you have yourself a decent-ish email once again.

{Cut to a farther out shot of the computer. Aruseus turns to face the camera and it zooms into his face.}

ARUSEUS: {in Imitation Strong Bad's Voice} Man, this triple email has been a large flop. And not the good kind of flop, either. I'm going to need some serious groodness to get this working again.

NAMINE: An example of your potential going completely to waste would be this. Why, in all of good writing conventions, are you stuck imitating "Imitation Strong Bad," "Zippy," or whoever the hell else you've made nods at within this show? You should be trying to build a semi-unique universe, any other rule be damned!

{Sterrance appears in front of the camera.}

ARUSEUS: {to Sterrance, in Imitation Strong Bad's Voice} Oh, no. I refuse to spend one more minute in this crappy time. Crappy, crappy crap. I like-a to say, "Holy crap!"

NAMINE: Your egregious use of the word "crap" is also a big thing which really is a turn-off. Can't you write anything else other than the word "crap?"

{Homestar appears from the right in the old-school style.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh no, it's the Strong Bad!

ARUSEUS: {normal voice} And, CUT! PRINT! SAVE! JLAMMY!

NAMINE: Also, enough with the "Jlammy" - Noxigar ditched the whole running gag thing after he botched it in Everything You Know Is Wrong.

{Namine looks back at the date this email was made}

NAMINE: Oh bother. My point won't be properly addressed until 2009. Great.

{Lyle walks out from behind the desk holding a carboard cutout of old-school Homestar.}

LYLE: Meh!

{The Paper comes down, 5 second wait}

{Cresselia crashes through the wall again}

ARUSEUS: Hey! I said the movie was over!

CRESSELIA: {Sighs, in a voice almost like Marzipan} Oh well, I tried.

NAMINE: Cresselia and Arceus then look into each other's eyes. Slowly, they get closer to each other. Arceus initiates, by biting Cresselia's bottom lip. Then, they take each other's clothes off. The motions they make are unconventional and aren't in a sex positions blog post on Tumblr, but the sex they have transcends that of even the Kama Sutra. Their voices echo across the stars as they proceed to screw each other for ten hours straight. They bugger the notion of foreplay as their continued moaning is enough to keep Tom from sleeping, much less anyone else in the house. Unfortunately, the others are helpless in keeping Cresselia and Arceus apart. Then, they proceed to shower with each other, continuing their sexual craze until Tom decides to order some Pizza Hut. He then shoves the pizza delivery agent between them, thus ruining their fun that had been going on for a whole week straight.
{Noxigar blinks, then laughs, gasping for breath. He then falls down some stairs. It keeps happening}

Fun Facts

• Three of Aruseus' lines were from isbemail: threemail.
• Kaiosomething references Kaioken, a technique in Dragon Ball Z.
• Sakanakana is from Eskimo Bob.