RiffText/AruseusEmails/pizza

Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Tom, Fang, Foxx, Homsar, Homestar

Places: Computer Room, The Field, Arupizza

Computer: E-Mach 1000

Date: December 21st, 2007

Transcript

ARUSEUS: {singing} This is the alpha! The omega! Sent and deleted! And we all just idolize email! {clicks the email icon}

NAMINE: Is that... Red v. Blue? I don't understand the reference, if there is one.

Subject: pizza

Hey Arueus and all the gang (Lyle, Tom, Fang, et cetera)!

Could you make a pizza restraunt
for all the teens? I'm a teen, and we won
the football game. We don't have a pizza
restraunt sadly, but I am positively sure that
you'll make one for us.

Stephen Knight, 9th Grader, Maine High School,
Augusta, Maine

ARUSEUS: {typing} A pizza place, eh, Dark Knight? Sure. I'll make a pizza place. I'm gonna need some help, though. Now let's cut to a cheesy montage!

NAMINE:...
NAMINE: Sorry, it took me more than a nanosecond to figure out why that sentence was "funny."

{Montage, Aruseus is building a pizza place. During the montage, he ends up getting hit with a plank, hitting his thumb with a hammer, squirting himself with a glue gun, and, as he's sawing a plank, ends up sawing his arm off}

{Cut to The Field, Aruseus is standing, marveling at his new pizza joint. It looks like a small, Burger King-esque building, but it is white, yellow, and has a giant slice of pizza on the roof. It's named Arupizza}

ARUSEUS: Now that's a pizza joint.

{Aruseus pulls out a clipboard with a checklist on it}

ARUSEUS: Ok...build place...check. Hire slaves...

{Cut to inside the pizza place, Aruseus is standing next to Tom, who's wearing a yellow and white uniform}

TOM: Do I HAVE to wear this?

ARUSEUS: Yes. You do. Now get ready to take people's orders.

{Aruseus walks away}

TOM: This is not what I wanted to do after college...

NAMINE: Apparently Tom doesn't know how to build a resume and start a career. Although maybe he wanted to do library stuff as a starter job instead of pizzeria shenanigans.

{Aruseus walks past Fang and Foxx, wearing the same uniforms, and standing by an oven}

FOXX: So when is this gonna be done?

FANG: Chill.

FOXX: I'm getting bored. I think it's time for my "sit in the restroom playing mobile Tetris" shift.

FANG: No it's not! Now wait here. I'll get the sauce. {Walks off}

{Aruseus walks up to Homsar, who is in uniform}

ARUSEUS: How'd you get a job, shorty!?

HOMSAR: AaaaAaaAaah escaped from a petri dish...

ARUSEUS: Never mind. Keep...doing...stuff.

HOMSAR: YoooOooour the top, maaAaan!

NAMINE: The top what? Top cat? Top dollar?

{Aruseus walks off, Cut to outside the restaraunt}

ARUSEUS: Come on...When am I gonna get some freakin' customers?

{Homestar walks up}

HOMESTAR: Yeah, I'll get a p-loaf with a calzone and some l-ade.

ARUSEUS: In English?

HOMESTAR: I'm here for pizza.

ARUSEUS: Uh...you don't order here. Go inside.

HOMESTAR: Righty-o! {runs in}

{Suddenly, Homestar gets booted out}

HOMESTAR: Well...I guess you can just give me the p-ronni tomorrow. I'll go get a m-shake.

NAMINE: Those abbreviations weren't that frequent... at the most they were a clever one-liner. You can't build a good story entirely out of one-liners. You just can't.

ARUSEUS: Wonder how he got kicked out-

{Zoom out, a mushroom cloud shoots through the roof}

FANG: FOXX! I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE PIZZA OUT AN HOUR AGO!

{The Paper comes down}

Fun Facts

Here's a fun fact for ya.

NAMINE: That wasn't a fact. Nor was it fun.