(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/AruseusEmails/armageddon
Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Tom, Ryan, Fenri, Cody, Jay, Wolf
Places: Aruseus' Room, Milkshake Bar, Forest, Living Room, Ryan's Room
Computer: SkyPod
Date: February 24th, 2009
NAMINE: This is it. The last episode of Arceus Emails. Let's hope I can make it.
Transcript
{Cut to Aruseus' Room}
ARUSEUS: Ah...to be back home for the weekend. I missed this place.
subject: helpHELP. ARUSEUS. HELP.
I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
I can't escape myself
So many times i've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
Goodbye.
-3DG
ARUSEUS: Wait, why does this seem familiar? This was the email Axel sent me before I was murdered...but who could've sent this?
whois senderEmail from: [email protected]
ARUSEUS: Axel...sent this? What time...did he...
whois senderEmail from: [email protected]
Sent: 2:00 PM, ary st, 2009
ARUSEUS: He sent this not too long ago...but no. This is impossible. Axel is dead...
NAMINE: Wait, really? I thought the police just carted him away to be jailed and await the end of his sentence.
{Aruseus gets up}
ARUSEUS: I...I-i-i need some rest...
{Cut to the living room}
ARUSEUS: Not...possible...
TOM: Aruseus, you ok?
ARUSEUS: I-i-i'm fine.
TOM: You stammered. Is something wrong?
ARUSEUS: No. Nothing is going on...
TOM: Listen, I know when you're nervous.
ARUSEUS: Okay...you see, I got this email...
TOM: Yeah...same old shtick...
NAMINE: But what makes this email exciting or different from the last one other than a meager continuity nod?
ARUSEUS: But it was just like the one before I got murdered...and it was from Axel, and it was sent at 2:00!
TOM: Aruseus, have you gotten drunk again?! Axel is dead, there's no way that's possible.
ARUSEUS: I'm thinking the same too...
TOM: Look, it's probably just Zarel or someone trying to scare you. I say you lay off the email checking and the Fizzy Juice before jumping to crazy conclusions here...
ARUSEUS: You're right...no more email...for now...
TOM: That's it. Now how about you and I go meet some pals at the Diner for shakes? All on me, I'll drive.
ARUSEUS: Yeah...a milkshake's perfect for cooling my head...
NAMINE: I'm not sure that's how it puts your mind at ease, but it's a decent episode premise for once: a get-together with old friends to maybe get a resounding conclusion off of this show, or season, or whatever.
{Cut to a diner, Fenri, Tom, Aruseus, and Ryan are all sitting down with milkshakes}
RYAN: Ah...nothing like good ol' Milkshake Night. It's a Lunaedge-Bluefox tradition since BBQ Mondays!
NAMINE: That's a nice tradition. Hey, Noxigar!
NOXIGAR: ...yes?
NOXIGAR: I can name about five reasons why a Namine pillow is the shittiest idea ever. Possibly more.
NAMINE: Should we do Milkshake Night?
NOXIGAR: I don't live near any places that specialize in milkshakes.
NAMINE: Eh, I just figured a date at a joint like, eh, Steak N' Shake would be a good prose premise to get you back up and running, to do something that doesn't involve RiffText or Wikihood.
NOXIGAR: No, then Lex and Strong Intelligent will just get a cheap laugh out of it later, like they did the last dinner-and-date episode I made.
NAMINE: I say Milkshake Night's happening from now on! Even if you have to make a pillow version of me to attend it in my stead!
{Noxigar glares coldly at the idea of making a pillowcase image of Namine.}
FENRI: Yeah...
RYAN: Fenri...you ok?
FENRI: I...I'm fine. So...what were we talking about?
RYAN: Oh, yeah. Traditions. Yeah, I guess you could call him "Fenri Bluefox" now, because he's like family to me...
FENRI: {thinking} Family...
RYAN: We're like brothers!
FENRI: {thinking} Brothers...
{All of a sudden, Fenri gets up and leaves}
NAMINE: Is there some weird love triangle thing going on? I don't quite understand Fenri's behavior.
RYAN: Hey, Fenri! Where you going? That's not the way to the bathroom!
{Fenri completely ignores Ryan}
RYAN: Fenri?! FENRI!
{Ryan grabs his coat and runs to Fenri, but Fenri just shoves him down}
RYAN: Ow! Not cool, man! Dude, what's wrong?
{Fenri looks at Ryan and then looks away. He starts rolling and spins off into the distance}
RYAN: Fenri...
TOM: Dibs on Fenri's shake.
NAMINE: Opportunistic lines such as that one bother me.
RYAN: {sighs}
{Cut to a far off forested area. Fenri sits there, depressed}
FENRI: {thinking} Master...
{Flashback to an unknown location, Fenri is talking to some mysterious man}
????: You! You were nothing but a failure!
FENRI: Master, he was too strong for me to handle!
????: Too strong?! Nothing is stronger than the Einherjar force!
NAMINE: Einherjar what now?
FENRI: ...
????: Fenri Lunaedge, you're nothing but scum! I banish you from this world! BEGONE!
{The mystery man shoves Fenri into a portal, Fenri disappears in a flash of light}
????: Wherever the hands of time take him, whether it's the past or the future, he'll never survive!
{Flashforward}
FENRI: I...rejected by my master...nothing but scum...not strong enough...
{An old newspaper blows into Fenri's face}
FENRI: WAH! Huh? {reading} "Mysterious hole opened out of nowhere, military forces have investigated, none have returned alive..." Hmph... {tosses newspaper away}
NAMINE: What.
{Fenri slowly walks home, cut to a highway, Tom is driving Ryan and Aruseus home}
RYAN: He just walked out, and he shoved me...but why?
TOM: Must be past his time. He's probably gone haywire now...
RYAN: He's from like... 22XX. No way in hell.
TOM: Maybe he's got past shock.
ARUSEUS: What?
TOM: Like future shock, but you are driven nuts by the past. Maybe he misses the future, his time.
RYAN: You mean, we need to find a way to get Fenri back home? To his REAL home?
NAMINE: He's probably already there but you won't know that, will you?
TOM: Hey. Whatever works.
RYAN: I don't know...time travel is near impossible...
TOM: Every WUW character does it somehow. It's the latest trend in Mary Sue Weekly.
NAMINE: Look, this fourth wall thing... it's not working out.
RYAN: ...you ass.
TOM: But it's true!
RYAN: Fenri's our friend, and we should do what we can to take him home.
TOM: I really wouldn't consider someone who pushed me to the ground and left me a "friend," per se...
RYAN: Quit being such a jerk! Fenri's got something on his mind, and we need to figure it out.
TOM: I'm the jerk? YOu just let him go! Some friend you are!
RYAN: I was the one who was actually worried about him!
ARUSEUS: GUYS! QUIT IT!
{Cut to Tom's house, Tom pulls in and walks out of the car. Ryan and Aruseus follow.}
NAMINE: Fixed it.
{Cut to the Living Room, Jay and Cody are playing Halo 3}
CODY: "a lightning bolt?" What kinda name is that?
JAY: I do that so it could say "You got shot by a lightning bolt."
CODY: Clever, but not as clever as mine!
{A shot is heard}
JAY: {reading} "You got sniped by...your dog." Yeah...real clever.
NAMINE: I agree; that wasn't very clever.
TOM: Any of you guys seen Fenri?
JAY: Nope.
CODY: Sorry, Tom. Haven't seen him.
TOM: Eh...ok.
CODY: So what about the people we're playing against online? Do they have "clever" names too?
{gunshot}
JAY: "You've been sniped by a cute squirrel."
CODY: "YOu got splattered by a pile of sh-"
JAY: Now THAT's clever.
NAMINE: None of those are clever.
CODY: {makes a :dry: face} Next time we use our normal names.
JAY: What's so cool about "Codemeister289?"
CODY: Ok, fine, "BlueJay22." We'll stick with "a lighting bolt" and "your dog."
JAY: That's what I thought. {smirks}
NAMINE: Codemeister actually-
NAMINE: No those names are actually also terrible.
{Cut to the upper hallway}
RYAN: Fenri? You in here?
FENRI: {offscreen} Ryan? That you?
RYAN: Fenri!
FENRI: Listen, we need to talk.
{Cut to Ryan's room}
RYAN: So how goes it, my bud?
FENRI: I...I'm not comfortable here.
RYAN: Why not?
FENRI: I need to return to my own time.
TOM: {offscreen} AHA! I knew it.
NAMINE: I bet Tom gets poetic justice or something for all the stupidity he's wrought upon Arceus and other people.
FENRI: You understand, right?
RYAN: I have no way of getting you back home. And I thought you liked us.
FENRI: I do! I love you guys! YOu guys are my family...but I need to return to my real "family."
RYAN: Oh...well, I'll try to find a way...but it may take forever...
FENRI: Oh...WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT?! You guys...ARE my family...I don't need to go back to that time...
RYAN: Exactly...
NAMINE: The plot's going to continue to happen, isn't it?
FENRI: I...I LOVE YOU GUYS... {hugs Ryan and starts crying}
RYAN: {strained} Large...wolf-thing...crushing...bones...
{The next morning}
RYAN: Hey, Fenri! You all set?
FENRI: Set for what?
RYAN: We were going to go to the Arcade today! Get your ass down here, you big hulk!
FENRI: Yes, sir!
{Cut to the Living Room, Ryan's waiting for Fenri, Tom is watching the news}
TOM: Yo! Did you hear? Some mysterious wormhole appeared in the middle of nowhere. They sent people in there to investigate, but they didn't come back, but they finally got footage!
NAMINE: And this sets Fenri off...
FENRI: Ok, Ryan! I'm- {stops and stares at the TV}
RYAN: Fenri?
FENRI: Ryan...I...
RYAN: I know...you have to go back.
FENRI: My home...I'm sorry, Ryan. I just need to tell you something...
RYAN: Yeah?
FENRI: Thank you...for giving me life and being a friend...
RYAN: You...you're welcome...I'll miss you.
FENRI: As will I. Goodbye, Tom!
TOM: Goodbye.
{Fenri and Ryan walk off}
{Cut to the wormhole, Ryan and Fenri stare at it}
RYAN: That's it?
FENRI: Yeah...my home...
RYAN: Well, I guess this is it. Goodbye, man. Come visit some time.
FENRI: Oh, I will.
{Fenri departs into the wormhole}
NAMINE: He's never coming back, is he?
????????: Is that him?!
????: Ah...Lunaedge, glad to have you back.
{The wormhole shuts}
RYAN: Goodbye...
{Meanwhile, in a far off time...}
FENRI: Master...
????: You have returned. Excellent. Our plan will carry on as plotted.
FENRI: Plan?
????: The plan to destroy Neo Arcadia...of the past...
FENRI: P-p-past?!
????: And you, Lunaedge, have given us the perfect time...the time where they are most weak...
FENRI: You...you bastard! I'll-
????: There's no resisting me now! You must obey or I shall destory you!
FENRI: Yes...master.
NAMINE: This dialogue blows.
????: Good. GENBLEM! Set up coordinates for this time period.
FENRI: {sad} Ryan...I'm sorry. {normal} But I have to do this.
END OF PART 1
NAMINE: There isn't much left of this episode. I see the little block almost heading towards the bottom arrow as I scroll down. Hopefully this gets better, 'cause Arceus Emails has, outside of the stray fluke email, been a complete and total disappointment the entire time.
PART 2
ARUSEUS: ...it even says it! It's from Axel!
TOM: Aruseus! For the last time! There's no way!
ARUSEUS: ...
TOM: Now leave me alone.
{Ryan walks in}
TOM: So Fenri's gone?
NAMINE: Way to rub it in, you dumb tool.
RYAN: {sigh} Yes...I reminded everyone, Wolf, Zarel, Van, Cyrus...
ARUSEUS: Ryan, is it possible for-
TOM: ARUSEUS. SHUT UP. AXEL DID NOT SEND YOU THAT.
RYAN: Axel?
TOM: Aruseus has gone mad into thinking Axel sent him an email.
RYAN: Oh. Well, there's nothing to worry about. Axel's gone.
TOM: Shut up, the news is on!
NEWSCASTER: This just in, a mysterious force has entered our world in a wormhole similar to the one we saw yesterday! They have sent an army of what appears to be robots with technology that we can't comprehend! Our forces are being shot down one by one! Could this be the end of our world?
NAMINE: Did I step into a plot only capable of being written by Orson Scott Card due to how terrible the plot is and will become?
TOM: Wait a sec...over on the left...
ARUSEUS: Is that...
RYAN: Holy damn...that's FENRI! He's with the army destroying our troops!
TOM: Is he leading them?
RYAN: I don't know...but we have to go there.
TOM: But we'll get our asses fried!
RYAN: YOu can stay here and cower. I'm going with a few others to help save Fenri.
TOM: Good luck finding people to recruit. I highly doubt anyone's brave and or stupid enough to go with you.
WOLF: {offscreen} I'll go.
RYAN: See?
TOM: Wolf was a former space outlaw. Of course he'd be your first pick.
{record scratch}
NAMINE: Yup. The anticlimax I had been predicting.
TJ: Okay! It's over now, everyone dies. New season coming your way
NAMINE: ...If everyone dies, then...
NAMINE: You have to be kidding me. You ended the series on some stupid plot that never gets adequately resolved. Great, just great. I wasted my time on this email show, yearning for it to get better. And when it has the chance to do so, the chance is squandered over the same hackneyed nonsense that made the series awful in the first place. All the support characters in the world couldn't fix Arceus' personality being so skewed. All the emails couldn't make an email episode long enough to at least churn something worthwhile. All the fun facts couldn't justify all the fourth wall-breaking and shoehorned references.
NAMINE: Just remember: you owe me big time for this riff series.
NOXIGAR: You know, you could just take the characters he made, and maybe we can use them? It doesn't seem like Lucian Summers is ever going to return to the WUW, so his characters are ostensibly fair game.
NAMINE: I'm not even sure I have room in anything you make for them.
NOXIGAR: Oh, I can make room. Maybe they can cameo in future riffs.
NAMINE: No, there really isn't much left to riff after this garbage.
NOXIGAR: You're right. Maybe they can be in Wikihood?
NAMINE: No, Chaos and Lex would probably wonder why you're doing that, catch on that they're from this show, and then find clever ways to kill them.
NOXIGAR: I think Lex is the one who'd do that. I doubt Chaos would do that unless the characters were lacking in depth, which with my writing modus operandi is often not the case.
NAMINE: Maybe you could make a Katawa Hearts Maverick based on all these characters?
NOXIGAR: I couldn't do that. I'm sorry, it takes me too long to actually come up with Maverick ideas.
NAMINE: Alright. Well, I guess maybe you could make a fanstuff with them in it?
NOXIGAR: Honestly the most practical idea. Anyway, thank you for riffing Arceus Emails for me.
