RiffText/AruseusEmails/action52

Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Wolf, Fang

Places: The Beach

Computer: E-Mach 1000

Date: August 3rd, 2008

Transcript

ARUSEUS: {singing} Welcome to my show, my name's Aruseus, I check emails type with style and finesse!

NAMINE: At least he manages to spell finesse correctly.

{Aruseus clicks the email icon}

subject: video games

Aruseus,

What is your favourite and least favourite video games?

Eat a steak,

Patrick

P.S. If you translate this message, I will send Iori to your house and he will steal your cheese.

ARUSEUS: {typing} Well, I remember about 32 emails ago or so explaining my favorite game. But...my least favorite? Well, I don't have a least favorite. I guess I'll have to look at the worst game ever made.

WOLF: {pops in} The "Hurt Wolf With Mr. Weights" game?

ARUSEUS: No. ACTION 52.

NAMINE: Y'know, from the impressions I get from these emails, I would think he'd hate Sonic 2006 or Superman 64 a lot more than Action 52.

{Dun dun dun...}

WOLF: You're kidding, right?

ARUSEUS: What do you mean?

WOLF: You'll get so angry you might kill yourself...or others.

NAMINE: The worst thing Action 52 can do is be boring. That's really it.

ARUSEUS: Meh, it can't be that bad.

WOLF: Ok, but if I find a carcass, I'll blame you.

ARUSEUS: Don't make me use the Mr. Weight.

WOLF: NOOOOOOO! DON'T! {whimpers}

ARUSEUS: Ok. So...thanks to NESTopia, I can play this.

{Aruseus boots the game up}

ARUSEUS: Unoriginal music...intro that takes forever...

{The menu comes up}

ARUSEUS: Cool. It's finally up...Okey. Let's try...Star Evil.

{The game starts}

ARUSEUS: What the?! I started right next to the wall! ARGH. Ok, exit this and try...Ooze?

{Game start}

ARUSEUS: Crappy platformer, jumping sucks...and an enemy spawned on me. Screw this.

{10 games later}

ARUSEUS: Ok. Next up is Non Human...WHAT THE {bleep}?! Am I on drugs or something?! This game scares me.

{Aruseus exits the game}

{10 more games later}

ARUSEUS: What the hell is this?!

{10 more games later}

ARUSEUS: This sucks!

{10 more games later}

ARUSEUS: Did the game just crash?!

{10 more games later}

ARUSEUS: {pulsing with anger} Not...one...good...game...NOT... {punches the screen} ONE!

{Zoom out to see an explosion engulf the empty beach. When it clears, there is a pile of ash and a charred ring of sand around Aruseus}

NAMINE: I think he forgot the Cheetahmen.
NAMINE: Not that it's a good game at all, but he forgot his impression of the Cheetahmen. It's that token thing you expect from every Action 52 reviewer and/or Let's Player.

ARUSEUS: {panting} Oh crap. There goes another computer...aw damnit. What did that message say?

WOLF: "If you translate this message, I will send Iori to your house and he will steal your cheese." I can read Webdings.

ARUSEUS: Well, at least Iori doesn't know we're not home and that he's gonna get chewed up by Fang. I stuck him on a leash and told him to be a guard dog. He was pissed about it though, but did it anyway.

WOLF: Uh...Aruseus?

ARUSEUS: Yes, I know, I have no computer. So-

{Aruseus turns around to see Fang standing there, with his eyelids lowered}

ARUSEUS: Oh...hey there, Fang. Come to join us on our shorehouse escapades?

FANG: Well, yes. And I've come to get revenge on that whole "guard dog" incident.

WOLF: How'd you escape?

ARUSEUS: It's obvious. He bribed Iori with cheese.

FANG: No, moron. I did the usual; took off my head and slipped out.

ARUSEUS: Wow...I'm such an idiot.

FANG AND WOLF: You just realized that?

{The Paper}

NAMINE: Aww, where's Iori? I was looking forward to cheese being stolen.