(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/KickCheat E-mails/Nebulon's Army
KickCheat E-mails #8
KickCheat goes to the moon for the second gold capsule. Nebulon stirs up some trouble
LIGHTNING GUY: {chuckles} Oh, that Nebulon!
Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Stephen, 1-Up, Nebulon, 500 mini nebulons, Tampo, Stlunko, Brody
Places: 2072 Field, Warp pad area, The Moon, Lunar wearhouse, The pink cloud zone, Tampo's Lair
Computer: Lappy HC
Lines: 200
Script
{Cut to the inside of the pickup truck}
KICKCHEAT: So how do we get to the moon?
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, you finally realized that trucks can't fly?
STINKOMAN: There is a portal that can trasfer people to the moon.
STRONG BAD: Okay Stiny.
LIGHTNING GUY: Stiny is OK, I see.
STINKOMAN: It's Stinkoman!
STRONG BAD: Sorry Stiny.
LIGHTNING GUY: Stiny is sorry, I see.
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
KICKCHEAT: Oh yeah. I need to check an e-mail.
LIGHTNING GUY: You need to stop writing this garbage.
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Some how,
LIGHTNING GUY: That's some how you've got there.
I will survive the eight e-mail!
Dear KickCheat,
Why do you wear a propeller hat?
466664
KICKCHEAT: I don't wear a propeller hat 466664!
LIGHTNING GUY: How about a propeller hat 466665?
Ask Homestar that!
LIGHTNING GUY: What if he doesn't? Huh? Do you have contacts? Huh? People?
{Turns to Homestar} Hey Homestar!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah?
KICKCHEAT: Answer this e-mail.
LIGHTNING GUY: "What if I don't? Huh? Do you have contacts? Huh? People?"
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright!
{KickCheat gives Homestar the Lappy HC}
LIGHTNING GUY: And he runs off and sells it as scrap metal.
Dear KickCheat,
Why do you wear a propeller hat?
466664
{Says "Homestar" instead of KickCheat when reading the e-mail}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Why do I wear a propeller hat? Because it spins and plays a song from Night Court. It also glows in the dark! {Gives the Lappy HC to KickCheat} There, I answered it.
KICKCHEAT: Thanks baldy.
LIGHTNING GUY: Baldy thanks.
{Puts the Lappy HC away} We should be near that portal soon.
STEPHEN: Yes, we should be close. About another 2 miles and we'll be there.
{Cut to a black screen that says "A few minutes later". Cut to the warp pad area}
1-UP: This will take us to the moon?
STEPHEN: Yes. {He pushes 1-p
LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, where did he come from?
onto the warp pad. 1-Up disappears. No one does nothing for a few seconds}
LIGHTNING GUY: So everyone's doing something? What? I'm dying to know!
STRONG BAD: Holy crap! {Jumps onto the warp pad}
LIGHTNING GUY: STRONG BAD AFTERIMAGE: Holy crap! {jumps onto the warp pad}
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises} {Jumps onto the warp pad}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That is one powerful toaster.
KICKCHEAT: That is not a toaster!
LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because Homestar thought it was toaster and yeah.
{Pushes Homestar onto the warp pad. Homestar disappears}
STINKOMAN: DOUBLE DEUCE!!
LIGHTNING GUY: Or you could just, you know, jump.
{Jumps onto the warp pad}
KICKCHEAT: {Turns to Stephen} You three coming?
STEPHEN: No, we'll wait for you here.
LIGHTNING GUY: "I can't fight master warriors with you! I'll break one of my flag-painted nails!"
KICKCHEAT: Heck with it.
LIGHTNING GUY: "I'd...rather not."
{Jumps onto the warp pad}
STEPHEN: Good luck KickCheat.
{Cut to everyone, but KickCheat on the moon.
LIGHTNING GUY: So where's everyone?
KickCheat appears}
KICKCHEAT: This is space?
LIGHTNING GUY: no its the moon
STINKOMAN: You got it!
KICKCHEAT: Weird. The pictures I see look beter than actually being on the moon.
{Cut to Nebulon watching the six on a TV screen}
NEBULON: So Tampo wasn't kidding.
LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, Nebulon can't talk. CONTINUITY ER-
Six morons are after my capsule! Time to stir up some trouble!
{Nebulon walks upto a large bowl as big as a door}
LIGHTNING GUY: How big is the door?
NEBULON: My magic pot of terror
LIGHTNING GUY: Of terror
will give me a hand!
{A hand that looks like Master Hand from super smash bros.
LIGHTNING GUY: No, just no.
comes out of the pot and flies away}
NEBULON: {sarcasticly} Ha, ha. Very funny pot!
LIGHTNING GUY: Very funny pot should get a very stern talking to!
Now, create 500 mini nebulons.
{500 mini nebulons come out of the pot}
NEBULON: Now my troops.
LIGHTNING GUY: Once the pot's done with the troops, what will you do with the nebulons?
See these losers on my TV here?
{The 500 nebulons look at the TV}
LIGHTNING GUY: And have 500 simultaneous seizures.
NEBULON: These losers must die. You all got that?
ALL 500 MINI NEBULONS SIMUTAINIOUSLY: Yeah!
NEBULON: Okay, go!
{All 500 nebulons run offscreen chanting. Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar}
KICKCHEAT: No, I swear,
LIGHTNING GUY: Didn't your parents teach you that swearing is bad?
we are going the right way!
1-UP: You are going to say a swear?
LIGHTNING GUY: DANG IT MY JOKE
STINKOMAN: It's a statement 1-Up!
LIGHTNING GUY: I thought it was just a 1-Up.
STRONG BAD: {Looks up} Look out! Home coming asteroid or meteor!
{The six run offscreen. A mini nebulon walks onscreen}
MINI NEBULON: Destroy losers! Destroy losers!
LIGHTNING GUY: Destroy English language! Destroy English language!
{The asteroid hits him.}
MINI NEBULON: Oww! That hurt! {Dies}
LIGHTNING GUY: Just like that.
{The six walk back onscreen}
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
STINKOMAN: I have a felling
LIGHTNING GUY: You better get that felling checked by a doctor or something.
that we have a massive army of those green things coming to get us.
STRONG BAD: Argh!
LIGHTNING GUY: Me matey.
I hate it when the good guys are being ambushed by an army of aliens!
KICKCHEAT: Get used to it. I think we have a lot more coming to kill us.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Can we have ice cream now?
LIGHTNING GUY: Wh-
1-UP: And pudding too?
LIGHTNING GUY: -at
STRONG BAD: No! Later after
LIGHTNING GUY: You better get those afters in sooner from now on.
we get those six capsules!
HOMESTAR RUNNER AND 1-UP SIMUTAINIOUSLY: Aww crap!
KICKCHEAT: Can we get to that alien loser now?
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, yeah.
LIGHTNING GUY: Okay, okay.
{Cut to Nebulon watching the six on a TV}
NEBULON: Who dare kill one of my mini nebulons! They call me a loser! Only I am allowed to call them that!
LIGHTNING GUY: But I thought they called you a loser. I mean, you just said that. In the previous sentence.
Well, they will be dead soon anyway.
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar walking}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are we there yet?
STRONG BAD: No.
1-UP: Are we there now?
STRONG BAD: Still no.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: How about now?
STRONG BAD: NO!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now?
LIGHTNING GUY: DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND
STRONG BAD: Oh, will you just stut up!
LIGHTNING GUY: Stat up! Question mark?
We will get there when we get there! Okay!
LIGHTNING GUY: Stat up! Question mark?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {quietly} Yes.
STRONG BAD: Okay.
KICKCHEAT: Hey guys look.
LIGHTNING GUY: I'm aware of what Hey Guys do.
It's the rest of the aliens.
STINKOMAN: Wha..?
{Camera zoms
LIGHTNING GUY: Zom, zom, zom!
out to show an army of mini nebulons}
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: Something. {Falls backwards}
LIGHTNING GUY: Nothing {Falls forwards}
KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Let's see them dance! {Pushes a button. A lightsaber appears}
STINKOMAN: Come on! We don't want to get Star Wars here!
KICKCHEAT: Well, it's only fourteen years until the space age anyway.
LIGHTNING GUY: According to who?
STINKOMAN: Oh, right.
LIGHTNING GUY: And how does he know that?
KICKCHEAT: Time for a challenge!
LIGHTNING GUY: I will not be ignored!
{KickCheat starts to swing his lightsaber at the mini nebulons. They litterally
LIGHTNING GUY: Litterers are quitterers.
"dance" to avoid being hit}
STRONG BAD: Okay, that is just plain funny!
LIGHTNING GUY: According to who?
{Punches a mini nebulon} Come on guys! This is fun!
LIGHTNING GUY: And how does he know that?
1-UP: Okay! {Walks up to a mini nebulon} Umm, KICK! {Kicks the mini nebulon}
LIGHTNING GUY: I will not be ignored!
1-UP: This is so boring! All we are doing is beating the crap out of aliens.
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises} {Runs away}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: What a chicken and a The Cheat! Time to go Super Mario Brothers!
{Homestar starts to jump on mini nebulons while the song from Super Mario Brothers plays}
LIGHTNING GUY: And the right holders bathe in their royalties.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now that is classic fighting!
{The victory song from Super Mario Brothers plays}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Where is that music coming from?
{Cut to Stinkoman. Surronded by mini nebulons}
LIGHTNING GUY: Cut to me. Cringing in my seat.
STINKOMAN: DOUBLE DEUCE!!!
{Starts to punch the mini nebulons}
STINKOMAN: 1972! I 1972'd you good!
LIGHTNING GUY: And how.
{Cut to the six infront of a giant door}
KICKCHEAT: Time to get the second gold capsule!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: But what are
LIGHTNING GUY: We? They? My remaining brain cells?
going to do with that pile behind us?
{Camera zooms out to show a huge pile of dead mini nebulons}
KICKCHEAT: Uhh, nothing! Let's go already!
{The six go inside the big door. Cut to nebulon watching the six on a TV}
LIGHTNING GUY: "Well, this is awkward."
NEBULON: They beat my army? But how? Now they went through my door that has nothing behind it but me!
LIGHTNING GUY: "We're right here, you know."
This is worse than beans!
KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} Yes it is bozo!
NEBULON: Who said that?
KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} I did!
{Camera zooms over to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat}
KICKCHEAT: Give us that capsule!
NEBULON: {Offscreen} Never! Pot,
LIGHTNING GUY: Of terror
send these wierdo's to the lunar wearhouse!
1-UP: Uh oh! Not the...
{Before 1-Up can finish, he, KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat disappear. Camera zooms over to Nebulon}
NEBULON: Yes! They're gone! {quickly} It was the only excuse to make this e-mail longer!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Ow! My spleen!" said the fourth wall.
{Cut to the outside of the lunar wearhouse. KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat appear}
LIGHTNING GUY: That's a
STRONG BAD: Ker-rap! Now we got to get through a crappy house on the moon!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's so crappy about it?
LIGHTNING GUY: Since when does he need a reason?
STRONG BAD: There is a spikey wall infront of it!
STINKOMAN: Uh guys. Look down. There is a ladder.
KICKCHEAT: Yeah, there really is a ladder!
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, I thought he was lying.
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat go down the ladder one at a time. Cut to the basement of the lunar wearhouse}
1-UP: Uh, now what?
KICKCHEAT: Look. There is nothing here! {walks to the right} All we need to do is just walk through!
{An arrow nearly hits KickCheat. He stops walking}
KICKCHEAT: Uh, never mind that!
LIGHTNING GUY: I never do.
Who wants to go through?
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "Not me, you freakin' recolor."
STRONG BAD: You want to go through?
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "No way, man! I'll gnaw your freakin' face off if you do something!"
STRONG BAD: Okay.
{The Cheat starts to walk through
LIGHTNING GUY: Is pushed through
the trap part of the room. Arrows, knives, giant stones and an anivil misses him}
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "What the crap was that for? You're lucky I'm deathly afraid of going through that again!"
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad and Homestar stand still surprised}
LIGHTNING GUY: They were surprised before that?
KICKCHEAT: Holy crap! That was amazing!
1-UP: That guy is braver than Stinkoman!
STINKOMAN: Stut up 1-Up!
LIGHTNING GUY: KickCheat cannot seriously think "shut" is spelled this way.
KICKCHEAT: Come on! Time to walk on through!
{They walk to the right of the screen.
LIGHTNING GUY: (SCENE MISSING!)
Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat in a hollow room with a throne with a capsule on it}
KICKCHEAT: Hey, look! The capsule!
{KickCheat runs up to the throne and grabs the capsule}
KICKCHEAT: That's two down. Four to go!
{Put's the capsule away}
LIGHTNING GUY: Put is the capsule away? Am I supposed to decipher this?
STINKOMAN: Nebulon must have hid it here.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Speaking of Nebulon.
LIGHTNING GUY: Speaking of your broken sentences.
We still have to get rid of him.
KICKCHEAT: No we don't. We just have to leave the moon.
1-UP: We can jump off the moon!
LIGHTNING GUY: That seems physically plausible.
STINKOMAN: Yeah! If we're lucky, we can land in the pink cloud zone!
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat outside the lunar wearhouse}
KICKCHEAT: So, how do we jump off the moon?
NEBULON: {Offscreen} There is no way off the moon for heroes!
{Nebulon walks onscreen}
STRONG BAD: You again!
NEBULON: Me again!
LIGHTNING GUY: Them again!
STRONG BAD: Oh, I have something for you! {Punches Nebulon in the eye}
NEBULON: MEOW!!
LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe if you punch him in the crotch, he'll purr.
1-UP: Get out of here Nebulon! No one likes your style! {Kicks Nebulon's other eye}
NEBULON: Help! I'm blind!
STINKOMAN: This is our chance to escape!
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat jump onto Nebulon.
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, no. Is someone gonna get raped again?
Then they jump off him}
NEBULON: Please tell me you guys are gone!
{Crickets chirp}
NEBULON: Crap! I failed!
LIGHTNING GUY: {confused} But I thought you wanted them to be gone. You gave that implication before the crickets and I'm getting mixed signals here.
{Cut KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat falling towards earth}
LIGHTNING GUY: Gladly!
KICKCHEAT: So that's how you jump off the moon!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Nebulon approved!
{They fall until they reach the pink cloud zone}
STINKOMAN: Here is where capsule number three is!
{They fall onto some clouds}
KICKCHEAT: That was wicked!
LIGHTNING GUY: So, the clouds are hard enough to not fall through, but soft enough to not break any bones on? {explodes}
{Some pink clouds turn black}
STINKOMAN: An evil force is causing this!
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah! We need to find that third capsule quick!
KICKCHEAT: Yeah!
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat walk offscreen. Cut to Tampo's lair}
LIGHTNING GUY: {rises from offscreen} Wh-where am I? And who am I?
TAMPO: So Stlunko. What is the curent status of the capsules?
LIGHTNING GUY: And why can't that brain spell "current" right? He's a brain!
STLUNKO: Nebulon is now blind and the second capsule has been taken by those guys.
TAMPO: Nuts! I though we had 100% death up on the moon!
STLUNKO: They somehow lived through all of the traps.
LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe you just suck at making traps.
TAMPO: Brody! Where are they right now?
BRODY: The pink cloud zone.
TAMPO: Ah, The Liekand will get them!
BRODY: As long he doesn't go into his salesman routine.
TAMPO: SHUT UP!
LIGHTNING GUY: OH NOW HE
BRODY: Sorry.
LIGHTNING GUY: Hey, my memory's back...crap.
{The paper comes down}
