Conshow/73

Summary

Clark contends with a new villain on the block, or should that be villainess?

Transcript

{Open: The House, Conchris and Jake are eating cereal}

CONCHRIS: Do you ever get the feeling that Clark's been getting more screentime lately?

JAKE: Eh, I never noticed, perhaps it's because it might be edgy to focus on the villains than the heroes for a change.

{They both make an aside glance to the camera}

CONCHRIS: Well, I hope we don't get forgotten... at all.

{Cue intro}

{Open: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is waving off a customer}

CLARK: Thanks for stopping by Clark's Gift Shop! Tell your friends! And your enemies! And your frenemies! {slumps over} Man, running a gift shop is hard nowadays, I wonde--

{A chime can be heard from off-screen, a person in a trenchcoat walks in, stage left, staring intently at Clark}

CLARK: {stands up straight} Oh! Hello! Welcome to Clark's Gift Shop, how can I he-- {gets interrupted with a fist in the face} --Oof!

{Cut: A dark, non-descript building, the camera slowly pans in before cutting to blackness. The darkness is broken by a spotlight, revealing Clark sitting in a comfortable chair with an ice pack on his head}

CLARK: Oww... wh-where am I? {looks indignated} This is not my house!

VOICE: No, of course not.

CLARK: Wha...? Who said that?

{A screen pans down from the dark ceiling, turning on to reveal a green-skinned alien wearing a doctor's outfit}

CLARK: Doctor... uh... I, uh... can't quite remember your name but, uh... DOCTOR--

DR. GRELSLIPTZ: Grelsliptz. Your representative of villains presiding in the Reedsen zone? We've noticed a lack of villainry coming from y--

CLARK: Hey! I'll have you know that I stole candy from a baby just last week! And then I paid the mother back! With interest!

GRELSLIPTZ: That's nice... but we've become increasingly concerned that you are not doing your task of harassing the heroes enough.

CLARK: Well... I've been firing this one guy over and over... does that count?

{Beat}

CLARK: Does it?

{Beat}

CLARK: You're killing me here!

GRELSLIPTZ: Firing a hero that isn't even a minion isn't evil enough to be on our records. So... Mr. Clark... do you realise what this means?

CLARK: That, uh... I get out of this chair and get off scott free because I'm the only villain in this neighbourhood?

GRELSLIPTZ: No, we'll be sending a new villain to Reedsen that you'll be competing against. If you truly believe that you are fit for a life of villainry, then you must comply with our challenge. If not, then it's your loss.

CLARK: Oh come on! None of the other villains I know had to do that! Don't you remember Xavian?! He was a pretty villainous dude!

GRELSLIPTZ: He was, then he was killed. So no, he's not a pretty villainous "dude". Anyway, this conversation is over, there are snacks and drinks in the reception on your way out. Have a nice day.

{The screen shuts off and the entire room lights up, Clark stands up}

CLARK: Dooooooh! I'll show them! I'll eat ALL the snacks and drink ALL the drinks!

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is laying down on the bed in a side room, groaning}

CLARK: Maybe I shouldn't have had too many nachos...

{Jake pokes his head in from behind the door}

JAKE: Hey, Clark? We have a visitor. Says she's here to see some guy named Clark and I figured that would be you. {beat} And also, your doctor called, he says that you don't have seven different types of cancer.

CLARK: But the internet doesn't lie to me!

JAKE: Whatever... I'm going to go watch cat videos while you... exchange pleasantries, I guess. Happy villaining.

CLARK: {yelling as Jake walks off} It's VILLAINISING, you uncultured piece of sh-- {A crack is heard from his spine, causing him to slump back into the bed}

to be finished