RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/4

Zarel E-Mail #4

Zarel is asked to find a cave and explore it.

SKUB: He once again dodges the question and instead does a Mega Man speedrun.

NOXIGAR: Honey, if he was doing a Mega Man speedrun you wouldn't be riffing it. {snaps his fingers in a z-formation}

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, TJ,

SKUB: AWE MAN, I LOVE TJ

Homsar, Strong Mad

Places: Zarel's House, Strong Mad's Room (exterior),

BLUEBRY: so a hallway

NOXIGAR: No, Strong Mad's closet.

The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: This episode of Zarel E-Mail is brought to you by Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs.

BLUEBRY: i just buy the kroger brand ones

{holds up back of said namesake} Auntie Grem's; Because heart attacks are a priority!

SKUB: I hope he gets one.

subj: spelunk

Dear Zarel;
Go find a cave and go into the cave and find treasure.

CHWOKA: Awww yeah. You know what kind of treasure I'm talking about.

- Zippy P.

SKUB: Whose Zippy.

ZAREL: {typing} It wouldn't kill you to say please, y'know. But you're a first timer, so I'll give you a chance.

CHWOKA: Is he being a gen-ist?

NOXIGAR: No.

{clears screen} So...you want me to go spelunking, do ya? {pronounces it "Spell-unk-ing"}

BLUEBRY: um that's how you're supposed to pronounce it

NOXIGAR: Oh, come on! Do I have to explain the joke?

Promblem

CHWOKA: I HAVE PROMBLEMS

is there's a galactically small chance of there being any caves here.

SKUB: {Zarel boots up his NES.}
BLUEBRY: make a fort out of couch cushions

NOXIGAR: How does galactically small probabilities of caves insinuate turning on an NES or making a fort out of couch cushions?

The closest to a cave in here is-

{Cut to a shot of the outside of Strong Mad's room, the door is shut, and green fumes emit from the doorway}

CHWOKA: COMMAS I NEED MORE! MORE COMMAS! SO MANY COMMAS!

NOXIGAR: capital letters; i need more capital letters; so many capital letters; and exclamation points, oh you gotta have exclamation points

ZAREL: {voiceover} Strong Mad's room, which has a stench of botanically uncanny levels of mass stank.

BLUEBRY: because apparently caves smell

NOXIGAR: No, because it's Strong Mad's room.

You'd either have to be crazy, insane, stupid, Stormtrooper, or World War I soldier to go in there;

CHWOKA: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S RANDOM

NOXIGAR: No, it's funny because it's historically accurate.

whatever gets you a complimentary gas mask or death from intoxication.

SKUB: Man, Strong Mad got the stink in there

NOXIGAR: See? Skullbuggy gets the point.

STRONG MAD: {inside} IT SMELLS LIKE MY MOM'S COOKING!

SKUB: Mmmm, brownies

NOXIGAR: I don't think those are brownies...

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Woah. This is not a job to do alone. I'm going to need to call upon the best spelunkers we have here! {hops out of chair} Huttah!

SKUB: A PERFECT 10, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, UKRAINE DOES IT AGAIN

NOXIGAR: Since when the crap is Ukraine involved in a Wiki User Email? Damn it, Skullbuggy. You've lost me.

{Cut to the field. Zarel is wearing a bucket on his head

CHWOKA: The bucket may very well actually be his head.

and holding a baseball bat}

ZAREL: Alright, you worms! We are about to venture into the most deepest, dankest, Danke-est

SKUB: Is it just me or has war made this man bitter???
NACHOMAN: I don't Get it.

NOXIGAR: Skullbuggy was making a German language joke. But NachoMan misses the point again.

cave ever seen 'round these parts! Gentlemen, do you have what it takes?

CHWOKA: "STEP RIGHT UP, STEP RIGHT UP"

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, TJ, and Homsar standing in a line, Strong Bad is wearing a hard hat and wielding a lead pipe, TJ has no weapon, but is donning a yellow checkered fedora,

BLUEBRY: {dry heave} what is this 2006

NOXIGAR: No. Skullbuggy does the dry heaves better than you ever will.

and Homsar is wearing a shower cap and wielding a wet towel}

CHWOKA: For whippings.

NOXIGAR: Why do your jokes have to suck, man?

TJ: Alright, I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me what I'm doing here.

CHWOKA: Standing around, making a fool out of yourself.

I don't even want to go in there! It reeks!

ZAREL: You...have good navigation skills?

TJ: I'm outta here.

STRONG BAD: TJ has a point,

SKUB: "and I've known him since diapey school so I know he's a legitimate character!!"

and I know my brother more than anyone here because I do.

CHWOKA: and I did.

NOXIGAR: Wait, aren't you the one whining about past tense being thrown around in wrong areas?

Strong Mad's room isn't called "Rotten Egglund" for kicks, you know.

BLUEBRY: it is very serious. it held a seat in the unsc in 1968

I've...shudder shudder...been in there...shudder...jibblie.

SKUB: I like Strong Mad's street sign. I want one. "Skub Boulevard".
CHWOKA: Skub Boulevard sounds like the place where dreams go to die and women go to get violations.

NOXIGAR: Skub Boulevard sounds like my Innistrad Blue/Black Zombie Deck for Standard format of Magic: the Gathering. Wait, no, that's Skaab. Nevermind.

TJ: So yeah, me and the Bad here are out.

BLUEBRY: that was—

You wanna go to the not-as-smelly King of Town's castle and make it smellier?

STRONG BAD: Crap to the yes. Let's ditch this Pop Rocks stand.

SKUB: Is there such thing as a Pop Rocks stand? Because that sounds cool too.
CHWOKA: "STEP RIGHT UP! STEP RIGHT UP!"

ZAREL: What? You're going to a castle with a guy shoveling crap outside and you call it not smelly?

BLUEBRY: dude castles are nice

STRONG BAD: Oh, dragon-man. Trust me, I'd rather be bathing in whatsit than bathing in Egglund stench.

BLUEBRY: their primary export, nearly tied with counterfeit dvds

TJ: Yeah, me too.

{They walk away}

CHWOKA: backwards

ZAREL: {leaning back} Ew...Anyway, you're my only brave man left! Would you like to go with?

BLUEBRY: so about your grammar

NOXIGAR: No, that sentence is grammatically correct.

HOMSAR: DaaaaaAAAAaaahm sorry, Falcor, but my stands are baby-soft. {tosses towel in the air and it lands on his head, walks away}

SKUB: Even the stupid one doesn't like him let's face it, he's screwed royally.
CHWOKA: Something about the King of Town and "screwed royally"!
NACHOMAN: What?
CHWOKA: I—I'm sorry, I just couldn't...

NOXIGAR: NachoMan makes a bad pun and pisses Chwoka off?
NOXIGAR: If NachoMan didn't miss the point so much I'd probably give him a gold medal just for this.

ZAREL: Well...fine then! Forget all y'alls! I'm gonna go check this out on my own, and you'll all be jealous when I make out with all the hot chicks in there!

SKUB: Oh Lord, is that the Yellow Dragon Action? Forget this, I'm bailing while I can.
{Skub attempts to get up, but can't because of his own weight I mean DAMN.}
BLUEBRY: bailing like the fat cats in washington with our money"
BLUEBRY: also spoilers: no hot chicks in there
BLUEBRY: also they wouldn't get with him anyway like no offense or anything they're just humans

{to self} To be honest, with a stench like that they could've mutated to acid-spitting monsters...

CHWOKA: {as Zarel} PERFECT!
BLUEBRY: "my basic rule is that if it's got a tail"

NOXIGAR: Hang on a sec... it's like they're just making fun of the author for being someone of the furry community who likes video games...

Does this mean their riffs suck because they're not following the MST3K way?

Yup, I knew it.

Oh well, they're still girls.

SKUB: Hahahahaha, okay

{Cut to the exterior of Strong Mad's room, Zarel, still armed and equipped, approaches the door}

ZAREL: Okay...here we go... {opens the door and walks in}

{the screen fades out to black}

CHWOKA: Zarel's body was recovered 4 months later.

ZAREL: {voice only} Hello? Anyone in here?

BLUEBRY: well if you're to be trusted there are women in here

{footsteps are heard} Who's there? {footsteps get louder and faster} Who's that?!

STRONG MAD: RAAAAAAAH!

SKUB: RIPLEY LOOK OUT

ZAREL: Eep.

{Cut back to Zarel's room}

STRONG MAD: {offscreen} STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

CHWOKA: Hey! Hey! You! Get outta my room!

{Zarel crashes through the window, as if thrown.

BLUEBRY: because he was thrown get it

NOXIGAR: No. Just... no.

He lands on the ground, covered in bumps and bruises}

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Urgh...I think my...ribula is...broke.

SKUB: Is there a restaurant called Ribula's yet? Because I want the rights.
CHWOKA: Steak 'n' Steins.

NOXIGAR: Restaurants. From the nonexistent term "ribula". This dissonace is unsavory.

Zippy...you owe me a medical bill...and a gas mask...and maybe some gauze.

CHWOKA: To pick up the broken pieces of his heart.

Please, please bring some gauze. Urg... {falls over}

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Zarel when he says "Danke-est" to bring up a card for "Der Pooher's Toilet Cleaning: We Get Even the Danke-est of Smells Out!"
• Click on "ribula" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{cut to a Table, where a bag of Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs sits.}

ANNOUNCER: Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs! Because heart attacks are a priority! {quietly and quickly} Now fudge-dipped!

{Hot fudge covers the bag}

SKUB: Well it's not as good as Pocky, but

NOXIGAR: Fuck you and your pocky. That shit gives me nightmares it's that bad of a stereotype.

Fun Facts

• Danke is a German word meaning "Thank you." "Der Pooher" is a play on "Der Führer", a term Adolf Hitler was called, and the word "poop."

SKUB: Godwin's Law wins out again!!
{This}
NACHOMAN: W-what is this?
CHWOKA: You've done it now, Skub. You in the drink.
SKUB: What's going on?!
CHWOKA: YOU IN THE DRINK.
SKUB: WHAT'S THE DRINK?

NOXIGAR: You just got told, son?

• "Ribula" is a portmanteu

BLUEBRY: portmanteau

of "fibula" and "rib."

• Zarel talks about how the hot girls he believes lurk in Strong Mad's room have muted into "acid-spitting monsters." This is a hint toward Spitters, one of the Special Infected found in the Valve game, Left 4 Dead 2.

SKUB: DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE VALVE MADE??? THAT'S RIGHT, TEAM FOTERESS 2

NOXIGAR: You never had a problem with Team Fortress 2 until Zarel Emails. What gives?

• World War I soldiers used gas masks to evade poison gas.

CHWOKA: I was under the impression they just dodged. Y'know, bob and weave.
BLUEBRY: "i wonder how i can show my internet friends that i paid attention in school today"

NOXIGAR: I wonder...

• Falcor is the name of the dragon in The Neverending Story.