RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/4

Zarel E-Mail #4

Zarel is asked to find a cave and explore it.

SKUB: He once again dodges the question and instead does a Mega Man speedrun.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, TJ,

SKUB: AWE MAN, I LOVE TJ

Homsar, Strong Mad

Places: Zarel's House, Strong Mad's Room (exterior),

BLUEBRY: so a hallway

The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: This episode of Zarel E-Mail is brought to you by Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs.

BLUEBRY: i just buy the kroger brand ones

{holds up back of said namesake} Auntie Grem's; Because heart attacks are a priority!

SKUB: I hope he gets one.

subj: spelunk

Dear Zarel;
Go find a cave and go into the cave and find treasure.

CHWOKA: Awww yeah. You know what kind of treasure I'm talking about.

- Zippy P.

SKUB: Whose Zippy.

ZAREL: {typing} It wouldn't kill you to say please, y'know. But you're a first timer, so I'll give you a chance.

CHWOKA: Is he being a gen-ist?

{clears screen} So...you want me to go spelunking, do ya? {pronounces it "Spell-unk-ing"}

BLUEBRY: um that's how you're supposed to pronounce it

Promblem

CHWOKA: I HAVE PROMBLEMS

is there's a galactically small chance of there being any caves here.

SKUB: {Zarel boots up his NES.}
BLUEBRY: make a fort out of couch cushions

The closest to a cave in here is-

{Cut to a shot of the outside of Strong Mad's room, the door is shut, and green fumes emit from the doorway}

CHWOKA: COMMAS I NEED MORE! MORE COMMAS! SO MANY COMMAS!

ZAREL: {voiceover} Strong Mad's room, which has a stench of botanically uncanny levels of mass stank.

BLUEBRY: because apparently caves smell

You'd either have to be crazy, insane, stupid, Stormtrooper, or World War I soldier to go in there;

CHWOKA: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S RANDOM

whatever gets you a complimentary gas mask or death from intoxication.

SKUB: Man, Strong Mad got the stink in there

STRONG MAD: {inside} IT SMELLS LIKE MY MOM'S COOKING!

SKUB: Mmmm, brownies

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Woah. This is not a job to do alone. I'm going to need to call upon the best spelunkers we have here! {hops out of chair} Huttah!

SKUB: A PERFECT 10, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, UKRAINE DOES IT AGAIN

{Cut to the field. Zarel is wearing a bucket on his head

CHWOKA: The bucket may very well actually be his head.

and holding a baseball bat}

ZAREL: Alright, you worms! We are about to venture into the most deepest, dankest, Danke-est

SKUB: Is it just me or has war made this man bitter???
NACHOMAN: I don't Get it.

cave ever seen 'round these parts! Gentlemen, do you have what it takes?

CHWOKA: "STEP RIGHT UP, STEP RIGHT UP"

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, TJ, and Homsar standing in a line, Strong Bad is wearing a hard hat and wielding a lead pipe, TJ has no weapon, but is donning a yellow checkered fedora,

BLUEBRY: {dry heave} what is this 2006

and Homsar is wearing a shower cap and wielding a wet towel}

CHWOKA: For whippings.

TJ: Alright, I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me what I'm doing here.

CHWOKA: Standing around, making a fool out of yourself.

I don't even want to go in there! It reeks!

ZAREL: You...have good navigation skills?

TJ: I'm outta here.

STRONG BAD: TJ has a point,

SKUB: "and I've known him since diapey school so I know he's a legitimate character!!"

and I know my brother more than anyone here because I do.

CHWOKA: and I did.

Strong Mad's room isn't called "Rotten Egglund" for kicks, you know.

BLUEBRY: it is very serious. it held a seat in the unsc in 1968

I've...shudder shudder...been in there...shudder...jibblie.

SKUB: I like Strong Mad's street sign. I want one. "Skub Boulevard".
CHWOKA: Skub Boulevard sounds like the place where dreams go to die and women go to get violations.

TJ: So yeah, me and the Bad here are out.

BLUEBRY: that was—

You wanna go to the not-as-smelly King of Town's castle and make it smellier?

STRONG BAD: Crap to the yes. Let's ditch this Pop Rocks stand.

SKUB: Is there such thing as a Pop Rocks stand? Because that sounds cool too.
CHWOKA: "STEP RIGHT UP! STEP RIGHT UP!"

ZAREL: What? You're going to a castle with a guy shoveling crap outside and you call it not smelly?

BLUEBRY: dude castles are nice

STRONG BAD: Oh, dragon-man. Trust me, I'd rather be bathing in whatsit than bathing in Egglund stench.

BLUEBRY: their primary export, nearly tied with counterfeit dvds

TJ: Yeah, me too.

{They walk away}

CHWOKA: backwards

ZAREL: {leaning back} Ew...Anyway, you're my only brave man left! Would you like to go with?

BLUEBRY: so about your grammar

HOMSAR: DaaaaaAAAAaaahm sorry, Falcor, but my stands are baby-soft. {tosses towel in the air and it lands on his head, walks away}

SKUB: Even the stupid one doesn't like him let's face it, he's screwed royally.
CHWOKA: Something about the King of Town and "screwed royally"!
NACHOMAN: What?
CHWOKA: I—I'm sorry, I just couldn't...

ZAREL: Well...fine then! Forget all y'alls! I'm gonna go check this out on my own, and you'll all be jealous when I make out with all the hot chicks in there!

SKUB: Oh Lord, is that the Yellow Dragon Action? Forget this, I'm bailing while I can.
{Skub attempts to get up, but can't because of his own weight I mean DAMN.}
BLUEBRY: bailing like the fat cats in washington with our money"
BLUEBRY: also spoilers: no hot chicks in there
BLUEBRY: also they wouldn't get with him anyway like no offense or anything they're just humans

{to self} To be honest, with a stench like that they could've mutated to acid-spitting monsters...

CHWOKA: {as Zarel} PERFECT!
BLUEBRY: "my basic rule is that if it's got a tail"

Oh well, they're still girls.

SKUB: Hahahahaha, okay

{Cut to the exterior of Strong Mad's room, Zarel, still armed and equipped, approaches the door}

ZAREL: Okay...here we go... {opens the door and walks in}

{the screen fades out to black}

CHWOKA: Zarel's body was recovered 4 months later.

ZAREL: {voice only} Hello? Anyone in here?

BLUEBRY: well if you're to be trusted there are women in here

{footsteps are heard} Who's there? {footsteps get louder and faster} Who's that?!

STRONG MAD: RAAAAAAAH!

SKUB: RIPLEY LOOK OUT

ZAREL: Eep.

{Cut back to Zarel's room}

STRONG MAD: {offscreen} STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

CHWOKA: Hey! Hey! You! Get outta my room!

{Zarel crashes through the window, as if thrown.

BLUEBRY: because he was thrown get it

He lands on the ground, covered in bumps and bruises}

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Urgh...I think my...ribula is...broke.

SKUB: Is there a restaurant called Ribula's yet? Because I want the rights.
CHWOKA: Steak 'n' Steins.

Zippy...you owe me a medical bill...and a gas mask...and maybe some gauze.

CHWOKA: To pick up the broken pieces of his heart.

Please, please bring some gauze. Urg... {falls over}

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Zarel when he says "Danke-est" to bring up a card for "Der Pooher's Toilet Cleaning: We Get Even the Danke-est of Smells Out!"
• Click on "ribula" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{cut to a Table, where a bag of Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs sits.}

ANNOUNCER: Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs! Because heart attacks are a priority! {quietly and quickly} Now fudge-dipped!

{Hot fudge covers the bag}

SKUB: Well it's not as good as Pocky, but

Fun Facts

• Danke is a German word meaning "Thank you." "Der Pooher" is a play on "Der Führer", a term Adolf Hitler was called, and the word "poop."

SKUB: Godwin's Law wins out again!!
{This}
NACHOMAN: W-what is this?
CHWOKA: You've done it now, Skub. You in the drink.
SKUB: What's going on?!
CHWOKA: YOU IN THE DRINK.
SKUB: WHAT'S THE DRINK?

• "Ribula" is a portmanteu

BLUEBRY: portmanteau

of "fibula" and "rib."

• Zarel talks about how the hot girls he believes lurk in Strong Mad's room have muted into "acid-spitting monsters." This is a hint toward Spitters, one of the Special Infected found in the Valve game, Left 4 Dead 2.

SKUB: DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE VALVE MADE??? THAT'S RIGHT, TEAM FOTERESS 2

• World War I soldiers used gas masks to evade poison gas.

CHWOKA: I was under the impression they just dodged. Y'know, bob and weave.
BLUEBRY: "i wonder how i can show my internet friends that i paid attention in school today"

• Falcor is the name of the dragon in The Neverending Story.