RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/5

Zarel E-Mail #5

Zarel is asked what types of games he has.

SKUB: STAY AWAY FROM THE FOLDER MARKED "oh, just kittens" BECAUSE IT IS NOT KITTENS

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Stinkoman (in game), Lady, King of Town

Places: Zarel's House, Blue Showcase Background, Level 1.2 of Stinkoman 20X6, Zarel's Indie Games Stand

BLUEBRY: you've probably never heard of it

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: Okay, kids! It's story time, and today we will read The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer!

SKUB: Hint: it's cockroaches.
NACHOMAN: And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Subject: Gamez

yo mista Zarel,

what gamez do u hazx? i haz purble palice an ets fawn
peace,

Mista T

SKUB: I would make fun of this but I don't want to bully a kid who still crinkles when he walks

{He reads the body of the email as: "What games do you hack? I has poor-bully palace an eh-ts fawn."}

ZAREL: {typing} Could you repeat that? Are you telling me you have Poor Bully Palace and some guy named Etz is a fawn?

BLUEBRY: that is exactly what he is telling you

And are you asking me what games I can hack?

SKUB: WE JUST HEARD YOU SAY THATTT
NACHOMAN: Repetition is key when learning a new language.

{clears screen, continues} To answer your question, Misty P, what games I can hack...none. However, I can show you my library of hacked games!

{Cut to a blue screen,

CHWOKA Oh boy! The copy of Windows he's been running finally offed itself! C'mon, guys, let's get out of here!

a little tune is playing,

CHWOKA is it a tune from megaman i lovvvve megaman
NACHOMAN: hopefully it is Taps

as a cartridge box for Stinkoman: 20X6 is seen}

ZAREL: {voiceover} We all know and love Stinkoman: 20X6. It is quite possibly the most popular game on the Homestar Runner website.

SKUB: I like Homestar Talker because you can imply homosexual relationships. Does Stinkoman do that? I don't think so.
CHWOKA: Did you forget about 1-Up already?
NACHOMAN: my favorite game is the characters page

However, what if you can play as Stinkoman...POWERED UP?

NACHOMAN: oh i get it like mega man

Now try "Stinkoman: 20X6, Super-Jacked" version!

{Cut to a shot of gameplay of the Super-Jacked version. The "super-jacked" Stinkoman from sbemail: time capsule is in place of the main player character.}

STINKOMAN: Are these assorted blue and grey robots asking for a super-jacked CHALLENGE?

SKUB: WHY DON'T YOU EVER HEAR THEM OUTTTT
CHWOKA: They should have just formed a robot union.

{The super-jacked Stinkoman does a Double Deuce motion causing a massive pixely

CHWOKA pixellated

explosion.}

{Cut back to the box on the screen, but there are several marker markings on it, such as "SUPER-JACKED VERSION" crossed over "20X6", several popping veins drawn on Stinkoman's arm, and a dead robot.}

CHWOKA Was it ever really alive?

ZAREL: Now you can download-slash-buy the hacked game for the low price of fifty-six dollars and tooty-two cents, plus sales tax to the third power!

{The pricetag, which reads "Only $56.2T2 plus 7% sales tax³!"

NACHOMAN: why would you advertise the sales tax

appears under it} Italic text

SKUB: Oops

ZAREL: {voiceover} Stinkoman: SUPER-JACKED Version! Now you're thinking with your biceps!

SKUB: MORE LIKE THINKING WITH PORTALS DO YOU GET MY JOKE
BLUEBRY: VALVE MADE PORTAL AND THEY ALSO MADE TEAM FORTRESS 2 SO IT'S LIKE OUR LIPS TOUCHED BASICALLY

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Apart from hacked games, there are also those homebrew titles made by only the top video game designers, programmers, and graphic...ers...who can program them straight into your console! Yes, Eric, I'm talking to you.

SKUB: Airstriker 2: When It's Done
NACHOMAN: In all honesty the best jokes are the ones where you need to be friends with the creator's friends to get.

But anyway, for example...

{Cut back to the blue background}

ZAREL: {voiceover} A new action-slash-puzzle game,

CHWOKA WHAT DID THAT PUZZLE EVER DO TO YOU ACTION
BLUEBRY: point on the doll where "action" touched you

full of actions and puzzles, set in a temple in a far off deserted land, battle your way through the Temple of Chocolatey Doom in...

{A purple boxart depicting a Mayan-esque temple with brown waterfalls appears}

ZAREL: Chocozuma's Revenge...THE GAME!

SKUB: I am not ashamed to say that I would play that.
{Skub gains a few pounds just from thinking about chocolate so much.}

LADY: {voiceover} Oh, that looks sinful-

BLUEBRY: Sin is not a laughing matter.

ZAREL: Shut up, lady! Anyway, for your Turbographix 16 or whatever gaming console you play, Chocozuma's Revenge: The Game is the newest hit!

SKUB: It's no Modern Warfare 2 :I

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: Hacks and homebrew games are weird, man.

CHWOKA Have you ever put one directly on your tongue?

But yeah, Piston D, those are the games I have.

NACHOMAN: "It kinda sucks that I only just made them up right now."

Unfortunately, some of the games I want are ones I do not have.

SKUB: It's called emulation and I don't think you get arrested for playing Mario World on your computer.
{Just Then !!!}
BLACK COP: FREEZE, SUCKER! WE HAVE WORD THAT YOU'VE BEEN EMULATING BUBBLE BOBBLE
SKUB: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
{Skub dives to his left, but then White Cop rushes in and slaps handcuffs on Skub.}
WHITE COP: Thanks, Black Cop, we couldn't have done it without you.
BLACK COP: Looks like we're not so different after all!

I'm currently trying to muster up a few bucks by selling some of the old games I have lurking around various cabinets and fruit bowls and the bottom of your desk drawer where you lose them for, like, six years.

SKUB: I still can't find Luigi's Mansion and I'm so mad about it

However, most games like that you would want to find after all those years, others...not so much. However, sometimes you want to find the crappy games so that you can sell them and pass them off as good games!

{Cut to Zarel in a poorly-constructed lemonade stand, the top reading "INDIE GAMES (5 CENTS)" and the bottom reading "THE DOCTOR IS [REALLY IN]"}

'SKUB: Charles Schulz is rolling around in his grave as we speak.
CHWOKA: Here, let me help you with that.
{Chwoka helps Skub back into his seat, and undoes the handcuffs.}

ZAREL: {monotone-like} Get your indie games here. Indie games.

BLUEBRY: on cassette or vinyl

Half-price discount on "City (Comma) State: The Video Game."

SKUB: Featuring Michael Cera as

{The King of Town walks up to Zarel}

KING OF TOWN: Excuse me, good sir! Might I try one of your free samples?

ZAREL: King of Town, there's no food here.

KING OF TOWN: Nice try there, kid, but you can't fool this old man! I know a- {holds up the cartridge for "City (Comma) State: The Video Game"} plastic-licorice block when I see one!

SKUB: Now he's really reaching for excuses to shovel food into his mouth, the fat ham.

ZAREL: King, you might want to-

{The King of Town eats the video game cartridge with loud scarfing and crunching noises}

KING OF TOWN: {mouth full} Hm...needs more butter.

SKUB: Hahahaha, that's our KOT!!!
BLUEBRY: this is like that meryl streep movie

{walks away}

CHWOKA Can the KoT really walk?
BLUEBRY: he uses an electric cart he stole from walmart

ZAREL: Hey! Come back here with your two and-a-half cents, old man!

CHWOKA Oh, I'll give you MY two cents, alright!
NACHOMAN: zarel is going to kill an old man for three pennies

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {sigh, typing} Lesson learned, Scotty T. The King of Town eats anything. Even...indie games.

SKUB: Owl City: The Game.
CHWOKA: Little Miss Sunshine: The Game
BLUEBRY: Eraserhead: The Game
NACHOMAN: Neutral Milk Hotel: The Game

He doesn't play video games, he eats them.

CHWOKA It's a surprisingly profitable video reviewer gimmick.

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "anything" to bring up a book cover for The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer. It depicts a Storybook style Zarel looking at the Cappy in a confused manner and says "Written by TJ and Rob" at the bottom right.
• Click on "Poor Bully Palace" to bring up a video game box for the game of similar namesake. It depicts a bully-looking kid lying in an alley next to a baby deer. In a subtitle it says "featuring Etz the Fawn!"

CHWOKA Zarel has more pictures of her on his deviantArt, if you want.

Fun Facts

• The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer, is a reference to the other Homestar children's books. This one sounds similar to The Homestar Runner Gets Something Stuck In His Craw.

SKUB: You know, I had my doubts about that pretty obscure reference,

• In the The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer easter egg, the authors (TJ and Rob) refer to me and my brother, Robert, called Rob for short.
• Two of the names Zarel calls Mista T refer to the following

• Detroit P: the Detroit Pistons, an NBA basketball team

CHWOKA Named as such for its fans' love of rapid-fire fist-pumps.

• Scotty T: Scotty Titi, Lil' Strong Sad's imaginary friend from sbemail: imaginary.

• Mister T is an actor for the show The A-Team.
• The INDIE GAMES stand is a reference to Lucy's Psychiatric Therapy stand in the Peanuts cartoon where she played a shrink to help Charlie Brown with his problems. This was Chwoka's idea.

SKUB: Chwoka, you're fired.
CHWOKA: I didn't know!
SKUB: Give me your badge.
CHWOKA: {frenzied} I didn't know!
SKUB: Clear out your desk by five.
{Chwoka quietly sobs into his hands.}


CHWOKA: Wait, you sent him tw
SKUB: I am the law.

• Zarel mentions an "Eric." This refers to Eric/20eric06 of the HRFWiki/WUW/SUW community who is very good at programming games.

NACHOMAN: Oh disregard my earlier comment. I am now well informed so that when I go back and read this email (very soon I assure you) I will have a hearty laugh
SKUB: But he is not good at being a choom