RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/9

Zarel E-Mail #9

Zarel is asked to give tips on art.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, Lord Quackingstick, The Announcer, Homestar Runner, Strong Mad, Chizuko (Easter Egg), Japanese Culture Greg (Easter Egg),

SKUB: Isn't there a rule against author inserts?

Arrow'd Guy (Easter Egg), The Cheat (Easter Egg)

Places: Zarel's House, Art Museum, 4 Gregs Paper (Easter Egg), The Field (Easter Egg)

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: Not one, not two, not three, not eight, nine emails!

SKUB: "I regret every single one!"
BLUEBRY: nine too much if you ask me

subj: art

Zarel,
I am an artist at heart, though not very good. If you had any tips you'd like to share, I'd be honored to learn from you.

- Jacques Jean Montblanc

ZAREL: {typing} So it's tips you want, eh, Jah-que?

SKUB: Oh, come on! He's gotta be doing this on purpose. Nobody pronounces names that badly.

Well you have come to the right dragon...man...thing.

SKUB: It is called fursuiting
BLUEBRY: one of these three terms is correct... guess which

I know all kinds of stuff about art! {clears screen and begins typing} There's fine arts, wine arts,

SKUB: The art of being full of it

fan arts, can arts, performing arts, even people who can draw nothing but crude stick figures! There's all kinds of arts out there! Be specific for once, will you?

SKUB: How about you just come up with an answer?

But yes, I am a great artist! I was nominated for last year's "Star Artist of the Year" competition!

SKUB: "I mean, Jeffery's macaroni dog was hard to beat, but"
BLUEBRY: so you filled out the form in a different name

I have talent, and I'll prove it to you in this flashback! Oh, wavy flashback transition, if you please?

{Wavy type fade transition into the Art Museum, Strong Bad is in a line holding his portrait of him and Lord Quackingstick. Zarel is behind him, holding a painting}

STRONG BAD: Alright, Lord Quackingstick, we've got this in the bag! There's no way we're going to lose this one!

ZAREL: Not a chance.

STRONG BAD: What? Who said that? Was it you, pair of legs standing behind me?

SKUB: hottttttt

ZAREL: No, it was this head,

BLUEBRY: "—that I'm holding in my hands."

{points to his head} talking to you {points to Strong Bad} with this mouth. {points to his mouth}

SKUB: Hahaha, get it?!?!
BLUEBRY: the mouth is on the other side of the room

STRONG BAD: Oh, somebody thinks he's got the 'tude!

BLUEBRY: {snaps}

Look here, I'm going to win this with the art I made! {as Lord Quackingstick} Quack, quack! {normal} Oh, sorry, Lord Quackingstick. I mean we're going to win this with the art we made.

SKUB: Schizophrenia is not a joke.

ZAREL: Really now? I'd like to see what the judge and or judges

BLUEBRY: so the high school art teacher and local weatherman

think of your art! They'll probably think it's total crap.

STRONG BAD: Oh, it's on, tall, yellow, and about to get his butt kicked!

{Cut to a room in the art museum, The Announcer is on the stage at a podium with a microphone}

ANNOUNCER: And now the results of the art competition!

SKUB: It turns out that Zarel was disqualified because dragons are only 3/5ths of a person.
BLUEBRY: 3/5ths? hottttttt

{Cut to a close up of Strong Bad in the audience, he has a smile on his face and his gloves by his face as if anxious}

SKUB: Straight out of a Wal-Mart portrait.

ANNOUNCER: Strong Bad...

{Cut to a close up of Zarel in the audience with a similar expression}

ANNOUNCER: and Zarel Lewis...are both disqualified!

BLUEBRY: apparently art has to be good

{Zarel gives a dejected look}

ZAREL: What?! But that's impossible! I had my art done by Japanese art shoguns!

SKUB: I love anime

{Zarel holds up his picture, it's a drawing of a large dragon looking similar to Zarel stomping on a city}

SKUB: LIKE GODZILLA, OH, NO I MEAN GOJIRA, LIKE THEY SAY IN NIPPON-ICHI~

STRONG BAD: And mine done by Deutsch masters!

ANNOUNCER: Which is why you two both lost! No art is to be done by other people! It must be done by the artists themselves!

{Cut to Homestar in the audience}

HOMESTAR: Aw, crapsicles! I was so close to winning with this Mexican masterpiece! {holds up a taco}

SKUB: NachoMan is my Mexican masterpiece

ANNOUNCER: {offscreen} The winner of this year's competition is Strong Mad with his work of art titled "My Brother!"

{Cut to Strong Mad on stage, waving to the audience and holding the macaroni portrait of his brother, smiling. Confetti rains down on him and roses are thrown to him and land at his feet.}

SKUB: This brings a literal tear to my eye.
BLUEBRY: i'm kind of touched. this is like a lifetime movie

STRONG MAD: I WAS UP ALL NIGHT!

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} And that is why Strong Mad will never get his own e-mail show...or show for that matter. Wait, that wasn't what we were talking about...was it?

SKUB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

{clears screen, resumes typing} Okay, back on topic. How did Strong Mad even win that art contest? That was the worst art I've probably seen in my entire life-

BLUEBRY: it was touching you monster

{Strong Mad pokes Zarel on the shoulder, Zarel turns to find him looking very angry and gnashing his teeth}

ZAREL: Oh...uh...hey there, Strong Mad! You didn't hear that...did you? Sorry, I just got a little jealous of last year...Look, it's settled, you won! No need to beat the crap out of me.

STRONG MAD: {stressing each word} I WAS UP ALL NIGHT!

{Strong Mad grabs Zarel by the neck

BLUEBRY: omg does it come offffffff

and tosses him out the window, breaking said window}

ZAREL: OWWWWW!

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "crude stick figures" to see a stickfigure drawing of Zarel.
• Click on the Cappy at the end for an extra scene.

Easter Egg 1 Transcript

{Cut to the 4 Gregs Paper with the 4 Gregs music playing, a Teen Girl Squad-version of Zarel's portrait of him is on a wall, and Japanese Culture Greg and Chizuko are looking at it}

JAPANESE CULTURE GREG: Look at this Chizuko {his head appears animeish on the last word}, this was drawn by Japanese art shoguns!

BLUEBRY: write what you know

{Cut to a shot of Japanese Culture Greg and Chizuko being impaled by the Arrow'd Guy in a samurai outfit with a spear}

STRONG BAD: {narration} SAMURAI-AYE-AYE...'d!

• Click on Strong Mad's face for another scene.

Easter Egg 2 Transcript

{Cut to The Field with The Cheat standing next to the Zarel stick figure drawing, still on its sheet of paper}

ZAREL DRAWING: {in Zarel's voice} I'm not Zarel!

THE CHEAT: MEEMEEEEEEEEEEEEH!! {runs away}

Fun Facts

• Zarel's email intro references 4 Gregs.
• A lot of this email relates to the Strong Bad Email: portrait.
• The second easter egg references "Why Come Only One Girl?"