RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/28

Summary

The cast enters an MMORPG.

NOXIGAR: The lack of a snide remark is found wanting.

Cast: Billy Mays & His Dolls, Im a bell, Tracy, Sarah, Mature Bling, Forrest Raven, Don Skull, Jack Frost, Daigo, Many People, Generic Bodyguards, John J. Johnson, Stinkoman 20X6 Level 2 Enemies, Morbidly Obese Man, Brody, Burglar, Spider-Like Robot

Places: The 8-Bit House, Building, Kitchen, Restroom, The Vandal Forests

Insult: n00bs

Credit Joke: Gary Gygax

Episode Information: 504-Confusing RPG, The Genre, With RPG, The Weapon, Can Get You Imprisoned

Transcript

{open to inside the 8-bit house. The cast, Forrest, and Jack Frost are watching TV}

BILLY MAYS:

BLUEBRY: too soon

NOXIGAR: More like not soon enough

{on TV} Hi, Billy Mays here with- {pulls out a Billy Mays doll} -Billy Mays! {pulls string on doll}

BILLY MAYS DOLL: Hi, Billy Mays here with- {pulls out a smaller Billy Mays doll} -Billy Mays! {pulls string on doll}

BILLY MAYS DOLL DOLL: Hi, Billy Mays here with- {pulls out an even smaller Billy Mays doll} -Billy Mays! {pulls string on doll}

BILLY MAYS DOLL DOLL DOLL: Hi, Billy Mays here with- {pulls out an even SMALLER Billy Mays doll} -Billy Mays! {pulls string on doll}

BILLY MAYS DOLL DOLL DOLL DOLL: Hi, B-

IM A BELL: OH GOD {pulls out an AK-47, starts firing it at the TV}

BLUEBRY: okay seriously, why does this show have to be constantly violent

NOXIGAR: You suddenly decide to ask

{cue opening theme. Cut back to the house. Tracy is reading a newspaper}

BLUEBRY: wow, i'm surprised it's not reading anime porn or whatever

NOXIGAR: Well, there's a fine line between failing on purpose and actually trying to write something decent.

TRACY: Oh, hey, look at this!

IM A BELL:{walks over to Tracy, looks at the newspaper} "Man Killed By Sentient Carrots"?

TRACY: No, stupid. "New MMORPG Now Accepting Members. Mary Sues Preferred."

BLUEBRY: AND THAT'S YOU !!!!

NOXIGAR: Thus explaining the current episode's premise pre-emptively. What a suprise.

IM A BELL: Neat.

TRACY: But that's not all! "Those Who Can Survive A Day Will Gain A Trip To Wherever They Please, Even Outside The Internet".

SARAH: So, if we can stay alive for a day in there, which we can, we can go back to Japan!

BLUEBRY: oh, take me to europe
CHWOKA: REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-BENDING POWERS REALITY-[CUDDLE]ING-BENDING FLIPPIN' SUPERPOWERS BELL YOU HAVE REALITY-BENDING POWERS THIS SOLVES EVERY CONFLICT, EVERY CONFLICT, THE SHOW HAS EVER HAD. WANT A LADYFRIEND? MAGIC ONE UP. DEMON INSIDE YOU? WHAT DEMON? NEED TO ESCAPE TO JAPAN? WE'RE ALREADY THERE. NEED TO WIN A FIGHT, WHICH IS THE PLOT TO EVERY EPISODE? ONE-HIT KILL, COMING RIGHT UP! God, I just, I just... need out. The sentries are better than this.
{Chwoka walks out.}

NOXIGAR: OKAY SENTRIES. KILL HIM THIS TIME FOR GOOD

TRACY: EXACTLY!

MATURE BLING: Well? What do you say, Bell?

IM A BELL: ...YES. VERY YES. LET'S GO.

{cut to outside a large building. There is a line of people there. The cast, Forrest, and Jack Frost are at the front. Two men let them inside}

FORREST: This oughta be fun, won't it, Jack?

DON SKULL:{simultaneously} This oughta be fun, won't it, bro?

JACK FROST & DAIGO: ...Meh.

BLUEBRY: {groans loudly}

{5-second pause}

FORREST, JACK, DON SKULL, & DAIGO: That was weird.

{cut to inside the building. Everyone is walking down a hallway covered in metal. They walk into a room, wherein many other people are sitting on chairs. A man in a suit of armor walks up to the front of the room}

MAN: Hello! I am John J. Johnson.

BLUEBRY: they've stopped trying

I see you have all joined Adventurous: Online.

JACK FROST:{to Daigo} So that's the monster's name.

JOHN: THERE WILL BE NO TRANSFORMERS REFERENCES DURING THE DEBRIEFING

BLUEBRY: can i still keep my megan fox phone wallpaper

NOXIGAR: Do you actually have a Megan Fox wallpaper? Or is that just a sad attempt at a joke? I believe it to be the latter.

IM A BELL: Ha.

JOHN: IS THERE SOMETHING FUNNY, SOLDIER?

BLUEBRY: everything in this "show" is far from funny

IM A BELL: Yeah. "Debriefing". ...Wait, "soldier"?

JOHN: SHUT UP. ...Anyways, Adventurous: Online is an MMORPG in which we explore the farthest reaches of the internet. Please note that we will actually be in the internet, and not a simulation. Now, any more questions before we can continue?

TRACY: Yeah, I got one. The ad said there'd be free food.

BLUEBRY: oh, overused

JOHN: Yes, and?

TRACY: ...Well, where is it?

JOHN: ...Hell, I don't know.

TRACY: ...I'm gonna go look for it. {stands up, walks off}

BLUEBRY: have you noticed all of those sentences started with ellipses? HAVE YOU NOTICED?

NOXIGAR: No, I just really don't care.

IM A BELL:{looks towards the back of the room. There are tables with various foods back there} Oh, hey, the food's right there. HEY TRA-Nevermind...

JOHN: ...Whatever.

BLUEBRY: brick wall, waterfall, you just think you know it all

Now then...

{cut to Tracy walking through the building. He stops at a door labeled "Kitchen". He opens it and walks in. Cut to inside the "kitchen". It looks similar to Level 2 in Stinkoman 20X6. A Terrell jumps onscreen}

TRACY: Aah! Eww! {stomps on the Terrell}

{the camera pans out to show many other Level 2 enemies}

TRACY: ...Crap. Hmm... {grabs a nearby mushroom, eats it} Ah-ha-haii!

BLUEBRY: {slowly falls asleep}

{the BGM from Level 2 of Stinkoman 20X6 starts playing. Tracy starts crushing some more Terrells. Cut back to the room}

JOHN: We will start our adventure in the Vandal Forests. But we must be careful. It's inhabited by trolls. ...THAT WAS A JOKE. LAUGH, DAMMIT. ...It IS inhabited by ogres, though.

JACK FROST: Oh joy.

{cut back to Tracy. He picks up a Terrell and stuffs it down a Stobat's throat. It explodes, destroying a few Grundies. The camera pans over a bit, revealing a wall. A Grundy on the other side of the wall laughs at Tracy}

TRACY: ... {walks around the wall}

GRUNDY: ...CRAP

TRACY:{picks up the Grundy and flings him at some Terrells} THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG {pulls out two AK-47s, one in each hand, and starts firing them at the enemies} DIEEE, AUTOBOOOOOTS!!!!!!!! {runs offscreen}

{cut back to the room}

MATURE BLING:{gets up} I gotta use the bathroom. {walks off}

IM A BELL: ...Whatever.

JOHN: Everybody will get the following; A dagger, a suit of armor, a lighter, and a box of Cheez-Its.

{a morbidly obese man stands up and walks toward John}

IM A BELL: ...Wh-

{cut to a restroom. MB is in a stall}

MATURE BLING: ...I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THAT BURRITO

{cut to Tracy. He shoots a few more enemies, and no more of them run in}

TRACY: That's the last of them. Now, how do I get out of h-OH CRAP

{pan up to show Brody standing over Tracy. Cut to the room}

FAT MAN:{roars, attacks John}

JOHN: AAH! {pulls out a board, starts smacking the man with it}

FAT MAN: Unghh... {eats the board}

JOHN: ...Umm...

{cut to the restroom}

MATURE BLING: DAMN YOU BURRITO! DAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{cut to Tracy}

TRACY: I'M WANTS FRIED CHICKENY {pulls out a flame thrower, points it at Brody using one hand for some reason}

BRODY:{roars, stomps on ground}

TRACY: ...HE MISSED ME YAY-{turns to camera to reveal his arm has been chopped off} GODDAMMIT {pulls out another flamethrower, lights Brody's leg on fire}

BRODY:{roars in pain}

{cut to the restroom}

MATURE BLING: DAMN MEXICANS

{cut to the room}

FAT MAN: HULK SMASH {smacks John}

{cut to Tracy}

TRACY:{lights Brody's other leg on fire} DIE YOU GIANT CHICKEN! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

BRODY:{roars, attempts to stomp on Tracy, but falls over}

{cut to the restroom}

MATURE BLING: GOD WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME

{cut to the room}

FAT MAN: NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA FAT MAAAAN {falls onto John}

JOHN: OH DEAR GOD THE SMELL

{cut to Tracy}

TRACY: HAHAHA! I HAVE DEFEATED YOU-

{Brody stands back up}

TRACY: ...Well, crap. Hmm... {flies up on top of Brody}

BRODY:{roars, runs offscreen}

{cut to the restroom}

MATURE BLING: THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I WAS DARED TO EAT MCDONALDS FOOD WHILE WATCHING TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED NUDE ON A BED OF NAILS WITH A BROOM UP MY ASS ...I think it stopped. WAIT NO IT DIDN'T OH GOD

{cut to the room}

{Chwoka walks back in.}

FAT MAN: SPOON! {farts}

{Chwoka walks right back out}

JOHN: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY SOMEBODY HELP ME

IM A BELL: SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP

{cut to Tracy riding Brody. Brody breaks through the wall of the kitchen}

TRACY: OW

{cut to the restroom}

MATURE BLING: WHY DID I HAVE TO BUY THE LARGE SIZE-It's over. Finally.

{after a few seconds, flushing is heard. MB walks out of the stall, and starts washing his hands}

{Brody breaks into the restroom}

TRACY: HELP ME

MATURE BLING: AAH! {flies up to Tracy, lands on Brody}

{Brody breaks through the wall. Cut to the room}

JOHN: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

DON SKULL: Hey! ...I'm not a person!

{Brody breaks into the room. MB and Tracy jump off him. Brody steps on the fat man, and runs off, freeing John}

IM A BELL: ...That was STUPID.

JOHN:{stands up} ...Alright, let's get going.

{cut to a forest. The cast, Forrest, Jack, John, and many people warp in}

JOHN: Here we are... The Vandal Forests.

{cut to the 8-bit house. A burglar breaks in}

BURGLAR: Hmm...

{a spider-like robot walks onscreen}

BURGLAR: ...WHAT THE F-

SPIDERBOT: RAZZLE DAZZLE {pulls out a mallet}

BURGLAR: ...CRAP

{cue credits}

{The sound of silence. Fade out very slowly.}

NOXIGAR: Well that was quick. I wager this episode teetered enough between hilarious and "maybe the Stylistic Suck is going overboard" anyway.