Conshow/73

Summary

Clark contends with a new villain on the block, or should that be villainess?

Transcript

{Open: The House, Conchris and Jake are eating cereal}

CONCHRIS: Do you ever get the feeling that Clark's been getting more screentime lately?

JAKE: Eh, I never noticed, perhaps it's because it might be edgy to focus on the villains than the heroes for a change.

{They both make an aside glance to the camera}

CONCHRIS: Well, I hope we don't get forgotten... at all.

{Cue intro}

{Open: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is waving off a customer}

CLARK: Thanks for stopping by Clark's Gift Shop! Tell your friends! And your enemies! And your frenemies! {slumps over} Man, running a gift shop is hard nowadays, I wonde--

{A chime can be heard from off-screen, a person in a trenchcoat walks in, stage left, staring intently at Clark}

CLARK: {stands up straight} Oh! Hello! Welcome to Clark's Gift Shop, how can I he-- {gets interrupted with a fist in the face} --Oof!

{Cut: A dark, non-descript building, the camera slowly pans in before cutting to blackness. The darkness is broken by a spotlight, revealing Clark sitting in a comfortable chair with an ice pack on his head}

CLARK: Oww... wh-where am I? {looks indignated} This is not my house!

VOICE: No, of course not.

CLARK: Wha...? Who said that?

{A screen pans down from the dark ceiling, turning on to reveal a green-skinned alien wearing a doctor's outfit}

CLARK: Doctor... uh... I, uh... can't quite remember your name but, uh... DOCTOR--

DR. GRELSLIPTZ: Grelsliptz. Your representative of villains presiding in the Reedsen zone? We've noticed a lack of villainry coming from y--

CLARK: Hey! I'll have you know that I stole candy from a baby just last week! And then I paid the mother back! With interest!

GRELSLIPTZ: That's nice... but we've become increasingly concerned that you are not doing your task of harassing the heroes enough.

CLARK: Well... I've been firing this one guy over and over... does that count?

{Beat}

CLARK: Does it?

{Beat}

CLARK: You're killing me here!

GRELSLIPTZ: Firing a hero that isn't even a minion isn't evil enough to be on our records. So... Mr. Clark... do you realise what this means?

CLARK: That, uh... I get out of this chair and get off scott free because I'm the only villain in this neighbourhood?

GRELSLIPTZ: No, we'll be sending a new villain to Reedsen that you'll be competing against. If you truly believe that you are fit for a life of villainry, then you must comply with our challenge. If not, then it's your loss.

CLARK: Oh come on! None of the other villains I know had to do that! Don't you remember Xavian?! He was a pretty villainous dude!

GRELSLIPTZ: He was, then he was killed. So no, he's not a pretty villainous "dude". Anyway, this conversation is over, there are snacks and drinks in the reception on your way out. Have a nice day.

{The screen shuts off and the entire room lights up, Clark stands up}

CLARK: Dooooooh! I'll show them! I'll eat ALL the snacks and drink ALL the drinks!

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is laying down on the bed in a side room, groaning}

CLARK: Maybe I shouldn't have had too many nachos...

{Jake pokes his head in from behind the door}

JAKE: Hey, Clark? We have a visitor. Says she's here to see some guy named Clark and I figured that would be you. {beat} And also, your doctor called, he says that you don't have seven different types of cancer.

CLARK: But the internet doesn't lie to me!

JAKE: Whatever... I'm going to go watch cat videos while you... exchange pleasantries, I guess. Happy villaining.

CLARK: {yelling as Jake walks off} It's VILLAINISING, you uncultured piece of sh-- {A crack is heard from his spine, causing him to slump back into the bed}

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop - Main Room, Clark walks through the door to the main room of the gift shop, rubbing his back, eyes half-lidded}

CLARK: Okay, let's get this over with... I know my re--

{Clark immediately jumps to the side as a laser is fired at him, hitting the wall next to him}

CLARK: WHOA JEEZ. CALM DO--

{Screen pans over to reveal a purple-haired woman wearing casual clothes, laser gun pointed at Clark}

CLARK: Katie?! I didn't know you changed the color of your hair and started trying to kill me!

JAKE: {off-screen} I thought that's what we were trying to do?

CLARK: SHUT UP! YOU'RE FIRED!

WOMAN: So, you must be Clark, yes?

CLARK: Uh... yes... that is I... Clark... Gift Shop Guy... person... man... and you are?

WOMAN: You don't remember your former lovers?

CLARK: {gasps dramatically} You don't mean...

WOMAN: Yes, it is I... Cla--

CLARK: Annabelle?!

{The woman stares angrily at Clark, looking distraught}

WOMAN: No. {beat} It is I, scourge of Zombotawn and Geraldville, slayer of countless heroes and heroines, victor of the Villain's World Cup three times in the running, I am Clarice, the Dark Lady!

CLARK: Clarice?!

JAKE: Clarice?!

CLARICE: Yes, Clarice. {looks at Jake} And this is your minion, I presume?

CLARK: Uh... no... he works here.

JAKE: Hi. I'm Jake Goodwin, uhm, guy who stars in this show... Conshow? Y-Y'know... you ever watch th--

CLARICE: No.

JAKE: Oh... didn't think so.

CLARICE: Anyway, the Brotherhood of Villains had realised that villainry ratings of Reedsen have been at an alltime low, people are frockling through the streets and everyone is happy and cheerful (JAKE: I'm not.) and that sickens Reedsen's villainous representative. So, I, Clarice, have decided to declare that I will, from now on, be taking your place as villain of Reedsen City!

CLARK: Hey! You can't fire me! Only I can fire me!

JAKE: Uh... it's more of a usurpi--

CLARK: YOU'RE FIRED!

CLARICE: Your not-minion is right, Clark. I'm usurping your position as Villain, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

CLARK: YOU'RE ALSO FIRED! OUT OF A CANNON! {pulls a lever on the counter, opening a trap door just a few feet away from Clarice} ...as soon as you step a few paces to the right.

CLARICE: Right... okay, well, it was nice knowing you, Clark.

{Clarice exits, stage left}

CLARK: Ooh, that son of a gun! I'm going to give {starts walking off-screen} her a piece of my-- {falls off-screen, voice gradually fading} --miiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd!

JAKE: {leans over the counter, shouting down the hole} You have fun with that.

{Cut: Ominous Fortress, Clarice is sitting in a room filled with screens, various henchmen are manning the computers, with a couple milling about}

CLARICE: So, first things first... we need a perimeter check of the city, find those heroes... and invite them over for some tea... and death!

HENCHMAN: Isn't that something all generic villains do?

CLARICE: I saw it on TV, so it must work!

HENCHMAN: {sighs} Why did the other towns fall to you again?

to be finished