(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/MFT3K/The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo/coolcon
CHWOKA: I have seen Hell and it has seen me.
SKUB: Soldier on, man. Only two more to go.
CHWOKA: {weeping} I don't— I don't think I can take it!
NOXIGAR: Both Records of Bell and Bell Quest are longer than this by long stretches.
{A newspaper shows up on the screen.}
NEWSPAPER: {Reading itself} COOLCON '09! Visit today! Favorite stars like... Domo!
SKUB: All credibility has been instantly destroyed.
T Pedo! Pedobear! Lemon! Im a bell! Well-spider! Remains of Michael Myers! Jason Voorhees! Freddy Krueger! Japanese Woman! Crazy Man Dancing w/ Dynamite! Leatherface! Big Mac the Macintosh! Apocalypse! Hurricane! Ichigo! Naruto! Chuck Norris! The Dalek Ichigo Killed! Snakezon H4R0H1!
CHWOKA: so basically last episode was already coolcon and we're just retreading ground here. cool, i quess.
NOXIGAR: Ha ha ha I wish you could get away with not riffing this at all, but I'm afraid that's not how it works.
And finally...
SKUB: Bob Saget as Dan Tanner
Talking newspaper!
{Fade to T Pedo's American home.
CHWOKA: He is watching his American TV Channels on his American TV while sitting on his American couch.
Domo is sitting on a couch, watching Scrubs.}
CHWOKA: Fun fact: The only people I know who say that Scrubs is their favorite sitcom have never actually watched another sitcom. Also, they're all girls.
T PEDO:{walks in} ...Scrubs? You like that show?
SKUB: Scrubs: "You Like That Show?" (now on comedy central)
CHWOKA: (all the fucking time)
DOMO: Yes. Why don't you like it, Dr. Cox-
CHWOKA: BECAUSE T PEDO IS SUCH A RENOWNED HARDASS CYNICAL BASTARD
NACHOMAN: i wrote this scrubs fanfic based on our life where you're dr. cox and i'm jd
NOXIGAR: I could probably become Dr. Cox, when I'm not busy identifying with Dr. House.
I mean Tim?
T PEDO: I don't know...
{A newspaper flys
CHWOKA: fly like paper
through the window and hits Domo.
SKUB: The wounds are fatal, and as Domo falls to the ground, the only thing that T Pedo can think about is how cool Bell is at everything including writing. Domo bleeds out on the carpet.
NOXIGAR: The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo were not meant to stroke Bell's ego. The opposite, actually.
}
DOMO: Damn newsboy...
CHWOKA: "but i am but a poor newsie and i need to eat foo-"
SKUB: "BOOTSTRAPS!"
{Picks up newspaper and reads
CHWOKA: the comics section only.}
}
T!
CHWOKA: Now they've devolved into just calling him by one letter, and that is unacceptable. There is only one man allowed to be named T, and his name starts with a Mister.
Look at this!
T PEDO: WHAT IS IT D
DOMO: Candlejack is on the loo-
SKUB: {trembling with rage} I don't know if I can hold it much longer, Chwoka. I really don't think I can.
{Skub shakes like a big bowl of jello}
{Unmixed, liquid jello}
{Candlejack comes in.
CHWOKA: the air tonight. Ooh lord. Ooh lord.
Domo shows him Big Mac
CHWOKA: THE MAC DADDY
CHWOKA: THE DADDY MAC
NOXIGAR: PARKIES
and he takes that instead. Domo then pulls in another Big Mac.}
DOMO: Also, Coolcon '09 is tomorrow! Let's bring Big Mac, Lemon, Bell, and us!
CHWOKA: They have to remind themselves to take themselves.
After all, we're VIPs and we get a free flight!
SKUB: In what stupid backwards-ass universe are these people "very important"?
NOXIGAR: In the stupid backwards-ass universe where it was intentionally made to be stupid backwards-ass?
T PEDO: ...SWEET
DOMO: Hm, it says VIPS can bring one more. Who should we be?
SKUB: "I want to be Kurt Russel for a day."
BLUEBRY: let me be your plus one
T PEDO: Hmm...
IM A BELL: I already bought my plane ticket,
CHWOKA: Man, these plots are awful plane-centric.
so you can exclude me from the list.
CHWOKA: "I'd rather pay to fly than fly for free."
DOMO: Okay... So now we need two more... BAH LET'S JUST GO WITH YOU, ME, LEMON, AND BIG MAC.
CHWOKA: Well, at least we didn't get Ebeneezer Scrooge and Znex and god knows who else out of this.
NOXIGAR: I don't think this is part of the Records of Bell canon.
MCDONALDS BIG MAC: ME!?
CHWOKA: The Big Mac will make you large enough to take up two seats! HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !
SKUB: It's funny 'cause I know it's true from experience!
SKUB: Wait did I say funny?
NOXIGAR: You said funny, yes. Did you mean something else, lad?
DOMO: No. The Macintosh
MCDONALDS BIG MAC: Awww...
SKUB: HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !
NACHOMAN: so is that our new thing now or what
SKUB: Gee golly I hope so!
NOXIGAR: In what stupid backwards-ass planet is HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !' a thing ever?
DOMO: Now, let's go.
CHWOKA: I O
{fades
CHWOKA: worst haircut
to an airport. Domo and T Pedo shows the VIP to a lady. they go on the plane's first class section
CHWOKA: Aww man! They just went all over the first class section!
NOXIGAR: I'm pleased by this. How come you're not?
and sit down.}
IM A BELL:{walks in and sits down} Hey, guys.
LEMON: Wait, I thought you were going into Coach!
CHWOKA: please! not coach z!
SKUB: i want to go drink dishwashing liquid to get the visions out of my eyes now, THANKS CHWOKA
NOXIGAR: Tell me how the dishwashing liquid tastes. I'm too busy enjoying this scene. The visions in my eyes are turning into mIrAcLeS!
IM A BELL: I did, too, but I apparently bought a First Class ticket.
SKUB: "This is gonna suck. I wish I didn't get so much leg room it's just I hate this plane!"
DOMO: Anyways, I'll look at this cool comic I found at a cafe with this blond.
{Domo pulls out a comic about competitive motorcycle racing. A man in the comic winks at him and a sketch like hand comes out, inviting Domo to enter his animated world. Domo grabs the hand. Cut to the comic. Through a creative effect they both view each other through a window which shows them (and the cast members) alternately in live action and animated. Cut to real life. The flight aid of the plane comes back to give Domo peanuts, she finds Him missing and believes that he has left without peanuts. She angrily crumples up the comic book and throws it into the wastebasket. As this happens, two of the man's competitors in the race come back for revenge. One, wielding a pipe wrench, smashes the window. The man punches one of the thugs and retreats with Domo into a maze created by the crumpled paper. The man tears a hole so Domo can escape as he faces the two thugs. Domo, heavily ink-stained, reappears on the floor next to the waste basket on the plane, to the surprise of the airport employees and cast.}
{Skub takes out a bottle of pills. He starts to open it but Chwoka stops him. He mouths the word "later". Skub nods and puts the pills in his cupholder.}
NOXIGAR: Somehow I don't think referencing the "Take Me On" music video is cause for contemplating pill dosage.
NOXIGAR: But I guess those pills'll be gone. {sings in countertenor} In a day or TWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOO.
DOMO: Well, that was weird.
CHWOKA: Can somebody tell me what the point of that scene was?
NOXIGAR: Let me remind you: THERE IS NO POINT TO THE ADVENTURES OF DOMO AND T PEDO.
IM A BELL: ...Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
<!--- fyi it was a take on me video reference --->
SKUB: Oh WAS IT
NOXIGAR: Dude, it wasn't that hard of a reference to get.
DOMO: That guy was just so dreamy... Oh, the plane is landing.
{It lands}
SKUB: {The plane, however, crashes into the sea after a failed improvised landing. Nobody was mourned.}
NOXIGAR: Ugh, next time I do a Riff I need to create a character to become a co-riffer. Soloing these MFT3K riffs is duuuuuuuullllllll
IM A BELL:{sarcastic} ...Well THAT was an amazing landing.
CHWOKA: "Yeah, plane, land better next time! Fuck you, landing! Getting me to my destination without crashing and killing everybody just doesn't do it, champ. Overall I give this landing a 4 out of 10.
LEMON: Oh, was it?
{The get off the plane and find a guy with a sign saying "DOMO, T PEDO, BIG MAC, BELL, LEMON".
CHWOKA: He is a dirty hobo and the other side of the sign fortells the apocalypse that comes at their hands.}
{Noxigar ruminates on where the problem with these riffs lies. Perhaps it's the fact they're looking for an excuse to jab at Im a bell, despite this work being not only done badly on purpose, but also way too short to be a MFT3K individual piece. After all, the other two things Im a bell got scrutinized for turned out to be individual pieces wholesale, so why couldn't they have picked something less likely to be a waste of riffing potential?}
They go to him and step onto a limo.}
IM A BELL: ...Dare I ask why we're standing on the roof of the limo?
CHWOKA: Usually when people say to "step on it," they mean speed up! But you never know with these three lovable lunatics!
DOMO: ...I don't know.
{The step into the limo
CHWOKA: was quite possibly the most momentous and dangerous step they ever took
. There are LED lights everywhere. this is playing on the radio.}
CHWOKA: Well, you had better do as you are told. You'd better listen to the radio.
SKUB: Hold on let me get that video up.
SKUB: Hahaha it's a zany Beatles/Metallica mixup tribute band! Isn't that clever of whoever thought that up I mean it's metal and pop there's no way that makes sense!!
NOXIGAR: A zany mashup of Taylor Swift and Iron Maiden. It must happen. I don't care how it is to happen, but I really REALLY want to find a mashup of these two musical items right now.
T PEDO: ...Wait, where are we going again?
CHWOKA: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!
NOXIGAR: No.
NOXIGAR: We're on the road to Nowheeeeeeeerrrrrrrreeeeeeee
{Everyone but T Pedo facepalms.}
{Skub's hand somehow begins to gravitate to his face. Skub looks on in horror at his Idle Hands as they near his face. His silent terror is ignored by his comrades.}
DOMO: COOLCON 09 COOLCON 09
CHWOKA: COUPON BUG DOT COM COUPON BUG DOT COM COUPON BUG DOT COM COUPON BUG DOT COM COUPON BUG DOT COM
T PEDO: ...Was there ever an '08?
SKUB: It turns out that 2008 never actually existed. George W. Bush is still President and Frank Caliendo is making more money than ever. Welcome to the Bad Future
NOXIGAR: Aw, man! I knew I should've gotten Sonic CD on PlayStation Network sooner!
DOMO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. THIS IS NEW.
CHWOKA: THIS IS THE NEW SHIT.
T PEDO: OH I SEE
{The limo stops.
CHWOKA: Hydraulics engage, lift that back end up like dat ass, girl
NOXIGAR: There are no misogynistic undertones for which make this riff funny.
Everyone
CHWOKA: moon-
walks out of the limo.}
LEMON; Here we are.
CHWOKA: once again. i'm toRN INTO PIECES
Coolcon '09.
{Shows a gold, glowing building saying "Coolcon '09"}
IM A BELL: I wonder how much this cost.
SKUB: It's really just a normal, brick-and-mortar building, but Bell and friends are fuckin' high as shit
NOXIGAR: I wish Bell was high.
GOLD GLOWING BUILDING: Coolcon '09! Coolcon '09!
CHWOKA: high as shit
{They walk in while doing a bad jig}
IM A BELL: DANCE DANCE DANCE {trips and falls}
SKUB: I cite this as support for my argument.
NOXIGAR: I-
{Noxigar shakes his head after a few seconds of pause}
{They show their VIP passes to a guy and go to their golden booth
CHWOKA: Golden shower booth.
while doing a bad disco jig}
IM A BELL: DISCO DISCO DISCO {trips and falls on his afro}
CHWOKA: whAT AFRO. YOU WERE MAKING SOME SEMBLANCE OF SENSE, however ramshackle, FOR MOST OF THIS EPISODE. which just makes this one infraction ALL THE MORE INFURIATING.
NOXIGAR: But you infracted him many times before. The semblance of sense is not ramshackle, but instead nonexistent!
{A small, chubby, stinky kindergartner runs up to the stand}
CHWOKA: Unattended.
KINDERGATNER: {to T Pedo} Hewwo! Me name Tim wike you!
SKUB: Oh, shit— I really don't want to read any more of this. I'm afraid I'll get arrested or something.
NOXIGAR: Arrested for what, exactly?
T PEDO: HEY SAY THIS WORD OUT LOUD AND YOU WIN A PRIZE {pulls out a sign that says "Candlejack"}
SKUB: Everything went better than expected!
TIM: Candajak!
{Pause. Nothing happens}
CHWOKA: ~redundant~
T PEDO: Hmm... CANDLEJACK
{Candlejack runs in. T Pedo gives him Tim.
CHWOKA: If we ever need a scapegoat...
{Chwoka covers NachoMan's ears and nods silently to the rest of the group, who nod back.}
CHWOKA: ...new kid, definitely.
NOXIGAR: What? By this point, while NachoMan misses the point in a lot of the other riffs anyway, NachoMan no longer qualifies as "new kid." Isn't that how a transition from Season 2 to Season 3 is supposed to take place?
Candlejack takes Tim and runs off}
{Domo does a jig on top of the booth.}
T PEDO: RAZZLE DAZZLE {runs off}
{Five weird teenagers with iPods and Mohawks walk up.}
SKUB: I have a feeling that somebody was beat up at school. A lot. By five weird teenagers with iPods and Mohawks. Walk up.
TEENAGER: haw haw
CHWOKA: fnaw fnaw
NOXIGAR: PARKIES
look at those geeks!
CHWOKA: guys i think the teenagers... are us
NACHOMAN: Woah man! Don't go blowin' minds so flippantly!
NOXIGAR: No if they were you guys the terminology would be much more spot-on.
lol... LOL!!!
SKUB: Chwoka, I have a premonition!
CHWOKA: What do you mean?
SKUB: Whatever you do, don't open your eyes!</br>CHWOKA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
CHWOKA: IS IT A CUP FULL OF SHIT AND YOU HAVE TO DRINK IT
NOXIGAR: The... fuck...?
NOXIGAR: Bell, did you plant weed into your text?
NOXIGAR: And why am I not affected by it?
IM A BELL: ... {sees the iPods,
CHWOKA: What does this guy have against iPods
BLUEBRY: no he doesn't hate them, he just wants them all really badly.
NOXIGAR: OH CRAP THE EROTIC UNDERTONES OF THIS SENTENCE I WANT TO POINT THEM OFF BUT I can't really make a comment on them as at this point said undertones in Bluebry's riffing is transparent and bland.
screeches, starts attacking them}
{Lemon and Domo combine their super duper powers to rewind time and pause it. They take the iPods and replace them with normal MP3s.
CHWOKA: Just the mp3s. They are holding something in thier hands what is purely digital.
resume.}
IM A BELL: ... {screeches, starts attacking the teens}
{Lemon and Domo combine their super duper powers to rewind time and pause it. They take the MP3s and replace them with plastic mp3s. resume.}
IM A BELL: ... {screeches, starts attacking the teens}
CHWOKA: Okay seriously
{Lemon and Domo combine their super duper powers to rewind time and pause it. They take the plastic MP3s and replace them with apples. resume.}'
CHWOKA: seriously
IM A BELL: ... {screeches, starts attacking the teens}
CHWOKA: Boy guys isn't random assault and mugging hilarious, especially when done several times?
{Lemon and Domo combine their super duper powers to rewind time and pause it. They take the apples and replace them with Im a bell dolls. resume.}
IM A BELL: ... {screeches, rips open a hole in reality, runs into it}
{Lemon throws the teens in the hole and puts a patch on the hole.
CHWOKA: I remember my old smoking hole, freshamn year. They eventually had to patch everbody who wnet up there, just to stop the cravings after they filled it in.
Domo smacks Lemon, takes off the patch, takes out Bell, and puts a No-teen patch on it.
CHWOKA: What
Im a bell smacks Domo and puts a nicotine patch on it. A huge crowd begins Domo, T Pedo, and Lemon dance for them}
{Skub is on the ground, weeping.}
SKUB: CAN I PLEASE, JUST,
CHWOKA: No! Not yet!
{Skub cries some more but Bluebry kicks him for being a homo.}
NOXIGAR: ...
{Noxigar weeps for the souls of the damned.}
IM A BELL: OH GOD THERE BEGINNING TO DOMO RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
CHWOKA: YOU WERE MAKING SO MUCH RELATIVE SENSE.
CHWOKA: you were making so much sense...
CHWOKA:why did you have to RUIN it...
NOXIGAR: Bell wasn't making sense.
NOXIGAR: If this were a Season 2 episode of MFT3K I'd commend you guys for trying to defend Bell intermittently, but this is just... foolish, for lack of a better word.
VOICE: This place... This place is
CHWOKA: sick, let's have some fun, this place is sick, I want to take a ride on your disco stick.
like, going to explode in 5 minutes.
IM A BELL: OH THANK GOD I WANTED TO DIE
SKUB: The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo: "GOD I WANTED TO DIE"
{God's Almighty Hand
CHWOKA: godhand pickle inspector
SKUB: such a fcuking!,.......
SKUB: NERDsf
CHWOKA: okay seriously now you're just making up sbahj comics to reference
SKUB: It's the only thing that keeps me sane :(
NOXIGAR: Y'know, if I didn't read Problem Sleuth recently I'd wonder what you guys were on
comes in and grabs Big Mac, Lemon, Bell, Domo, and T Pedo, making them safe.
IM A BELL: DAMMIT
CHWOKA: I DIDN'T WANNA BE SAFE! AND I DIDN'T WANNA RIDE FIRST CLASS EITHER!
NACHOMAN: Despite all his intentions, things just keep turning out right for the poor fella!
{BOOM.}
CHWOKA: , CLAP, BOOM BOOM CLAP.
{a piece of wall stabs itself into Bell's head}
CHWOKA: Hey, I don't blame it. If I got the opportunity, so would I.
IM A BELL: HOLY HELL
{THEY RUN}
CHWOKA: AND THEY RANNNNN... THEY RAN SO FAR AWAAAY...
{Chwoka keeps one finger on the same synth key the entire video}
T PEDO: IIII'M RUNNING NOW {trips on a rock, explodes in a mushroom cloud}
DOMO: ATTOMMIIICCC BOMMMMB
CHWOKA: what does this WHAT DOES THIS have to do with ANYTHING
NOXIGAR: How about the part where this is made to be terrible?
IM A BELL:{transforms into what appears to be Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo, but with a sword in his afro} SUPER FIST OF THE MAKE-THIS-SERIES-EVEN-STUPIDER: RANDOM CRAP
SKUB: It's just... worse. Than I thought it could ever be.
NOXIGAR: ...This riff is just... worse. Than I thought it could ever be.
{cut to Bell in front of many burning people. His head starts shaking, turns red, and explodes. Then cut to a car. What is love is playing. T pedo, Lemon, and Domo are head bobbing. A vampire wielding a knife appears in the car}
{Chwoka is crying tears of anguish and also blood.}
{Noxigar collects those tears joyously, hoping to eventually get enough to consume an entire bottle's worth of tears this time.}
VAMPIRE: SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS {repeatedly stabs Lemon in the ear}
DOMO: ACCIDENT? LIKE YOU BROKE A WINDOW MATT A BABY
IM A BELL: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF {pulls out a knife, repeatedly stabs Lemon in the other ear}
DOMO: I'LL TAKE YOUR AIDS {Pulls out Big Mac, repeatedly stabs Lemon in the heart}
T PEDO: WHIMMY WHAM WHAM WOZZLE {repeatedly bites Lemon on the nose}
DOMO: NORRRRMAAALLLL SOONG YOU SING IT TO BE NORMAL
{Cut to the Coolcon remains. There are many corpses and pieces of flaming gold.}
SKUB: I can't do this any more
{Skub runs out of the theater. Sounds of painful emesis can be heard as Chwoka, NachoMan and Bluebry stare unflinchingly at the screen. After about a minute, Skub ambles back in.}
SKUB: I know I was rationing it but Jesuchristo
NOXIGAR: Suddenly, I want to read what their reaction to the entirety of Freddy Got Fingered would be. If they can't even stomach something not anywhere near as gory, as stupid, or as genuinely awful as Tom Green's work.
NOXIGAR: Yes, Chwoka, that's a challenge.
T PEDO: ...GOLD {touches the burning gold} OW. ...GOLD {touches the burning gold} OW. ...GOLD {touches the burning gold} OW. ...GOLD {touches the burning gold} OW. ...G-
{Bell roundhouse kicks T Pedo in the face}
CHWOKA: This went from being way better than the first episode to way worse than the first episode suprisingly fast. It's like the episode stopped taking its meds and now it can't keep focused for more than three lines.
NOXIGAR: Or the meds the episode's on are making it do things worse.
DOMO: ... I CALL THE CORPSES
{Domo starts eating corpses, 10 a minute.}
IM A BELL: THIS TV SHOW SUCKS
SKUB: Yep
NOXIGAR: Mmhmm
DOMO: ... AND YOU JUST NOTICED THIS FACT
IM A BELL: WHY THE HELL ARE WE EVEN IN IT
DOMO: I DON'T KNOW THIS IS SO DUMB THAT WE'RE YELLING
IM A BELL: IS ANYONE EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW
SKUB: Yep
NOXIGAR: Mmhmm
DOMO: Actually, 335 people tuned into the first episode, and 422 for this, really.
SKUB: No there is no fucking way
IM A BELL: ...Neat.
DOMO: I know, really? Now 426 people have tuned in for this episode.
IM A BELL: How can you tell?
DOMO: Well, I'm reading a teleprompter.
IM A BELL: ...Teleprompter? What telepro-
{A teleprompter falls onto Bell's head, knocking him out. Domo fuses with bell, making Im a Doll, who fuses with Lemon's corpse to make Im a Dollmon. Then, Im a Dollmon forms with T Pedo to make T Dollmondo, who is 50 ft tall. (Tee Doll-mawn-do). T Dollmondo breaks out of the studio and rages over Hollywood}
SKUB: I read that as "rapes over Hollywood" so there's a funny little tidbit.
CHWOKA: That's it. I'm out.
{Chwoka places a cardboard cutout of himself in his seat, and leaves.}
SKUB: You can't just... you can't just leave! You still have to riff!
FAKE CHWOKA: {playing from tape recorder} What?
SKUB: Well, I guess it's mostly the same...
NOXIGAR: But rape jokes aren't funny.
NOXIGAR: Looks like I get to poison Chwoka's drink with Benadryl tonight.
T DOLLMONDO: GNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHL
{Helicopters and tanks come on
FAKE CHWOKA: 80s song reference!
and shoot}
T DOLLMONDO: HRAAAAAAAAALLLLLLGH {steps on some tanks}
{ T Dollmondo realizes he's two feet tall}
T DOLLMONDO: ...HHHHHNGHSHNIGGLETTY {runs into a wall}
F MATOMA: MMMMMPHMAAARRL {THIS IS YOUR MOM GO TO BED}
FAKE CHWOKA: This is bad! It's like colorful metaphorical phrase!
T DOLLMONDO: FLIGGELLLLLLSNM {I NO WANNA}
F MATOMA: GRRRAAOOUUULLL {DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT THAT KNIFE}
T DOLLMONDO: SWAAAAAALLLLL {KNIFE WHAT KNIFE} {sees a knife in his chest} HNGHGHGHGHLBLBL {OH THAT KNIFE}
FAKE CHWOKA: Skub is just "fat" spelled backwards!
{Skub counts on his fingers.}
SKUB: Hey!
{T Dollmondo turns back into all of the characters, now passed out fade to black. To be continued...? is on the screen}
SKUB: It's like they've found out how to make me hate them the most.
NACHOMAN: There's secretly an ongoing contest between users for who can earn the most Skub scorn.
SKUB: Maybe I should set up a points system or something...
NOXIGAR: I'd win all the points. All of them.
