(even if you aren't vegan)
Zarel Emails/5
This email has been re-written as of 2014. To view the original, click here.
Zarel E-Mail #5
Zarel is asked what types of games he has.
Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Stinkoman (in game), Lady, King of Town
Places: Zarel's House, Blue Showcase Background, Level 1.2 of Stinkoman 20X6, Zarel's Indie Games Stand
Transcript
{Cut to Zarel's Room}
ZAREL: Okay, kids! It's story time, and today we will read The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer!
Subject: Gamezyo mista Zarel,
what gamez do u hazx? i haz purble palice an ets fawn
Mista T
peace,
{He reads the body of the email as: "What games do you hack? I has poor-bully palace an eh-ts fawn."}
ZAREL: {typing} Could you repeat that? Are you telling me you have Poor Bully Palace and some guy named Etz is a fawn? Because Poor Bully Palace is probably one of the most boring games of all time. Stick to the regular one, and it’s scholarship edition. {clears screen} And are you asking me what games I can hack? To answer your question, Misty P, what games I can hack...none. I lack the proper nerd technology to do so. However, I can show you my library of hacked games!
{Cut to a blue screen, a little tune is playing, as a cartridge box for Stinkoman: 20X6 is seen}
ZAREL: {voiceover} We all know and love Stinkoman: 20X6. It is quite possibly the most popular game on the Homestar Runner website, and is the only one that anyone there really cares about. However, what if you can play as Stinkoman...POWERED UP? Now try "Stinkoman: 20X6, Super-Jacked" version!
{Cut to a shot of gameplay of the Super-Jacked version. The "super-jacked" Stinkoman from sbemail: time capsule is in place of the main player character.}
STINKOMAN: Are these assorted blue and grey robots asking for a super-jacked CHALLENGE?
{The super-jacked Stinkoman does a Double Deuce motion causing a massive pixely explosion.}
{Cut back to the box on the screen, but there are several marker markings on it, such as "SUPER-JACKED VERSION" crossed over "20X6", several popping veins drawn on Stinkoman's arm, and a dead robot.}
ZAREL: Now you can download-slash-buy the hacked game for the low price of fifty-six dollars and tooty-two cents, plus sales tax to the third power!
{The pricetag, which reads "Only $56.2T2 plus 7% sales tax³!" appears under it} Italic text ZAREL: {voiceover} Stinkoman: SUPER-JACKED Version! Now you're thinking with your biceps!
{Cut back to the Cappy}
ZAREL: {typing} Apart from hacked games, there are also those homebrew titles made by only the top video game designers, programmers, and graphic...ers...who can program them straight into your console! Playing them on a computer is fun, but the true novelty is playing them off of CDs, cartridges, and anything that’s not a .exe file. For example...
{Cut back to the blue background}
ZAREL: {voiceover} A new action-slash-puzzle game, full of actions and puzzles, set in a temple in a far off deserted land, battle your way through the Temple of Chocolatey Doom in...
{A purple boxart depicting a Mayan-esque temple with brown waterfalls appears}
ZAREL: Chocozuma's Revenge...THE GAME!
LADY: {voiceover} Oh, that looks sinful-
ZAREL: Shut up, lady! Anyway, for your Turbographix 16 or whatever gaming console you play, Chocozuma's Revenge: The Game is the newest and sweetest hit! Chocozuma’s Revenge: The Game! All of the game, with three times the calories!
{Cut back to the Cappy}
ZAREL: So there you have it, Piston D, those are the hacked games I have. Unfortunately, some of the games I want are ones I do not have. I'm currently trying to muster up a few bucks by selling some of the old games I have lurking around various cabinets and fruit bowls and the bottom of your desk drawer where you lose them for, like, six years. However, most games like that you would want to find after all those years, others...not so much. However, sometimes you want to find the crappy games so that you can sell them and pass them off as good games!
{Cut to Zarel in a poorly-constructed lemonade stand, the top reading "INDIE GAMES (5 CENTS)" and the bottom reading "THE DOCTOR IS [REALLY IN]"}
ZAREL: {monotone-like} Get your indie games here. Indie games. Half-price discount on "City (Comma) State: The Video Game." Pay double for “Lil’ Brudder’s Party.” Triple double on this deck of knockoff trading cards.
{The King of Town walks up to Zarel}
KING OF TOWN: Excuse me, good sir! Might I try one of your free samples?
ZAREL: King of Town, there's no food here. At least, no junk food to rot the stomach. The brain on the other hand...
KING OF TOWN: Nice try there, kid, but you can't fool this old man! I know a- {holds up the cartridge for "City (Comma) State: The Video Game"} plastic-licorice block when I see one!
ZAREL: King, before you eat that, you might want to-
{The King of Town eats the video game cartridge with loud scarfing and crunching noises}
KING OF TOWN: {mouth full} Hm...needs more butter. {walks away}
ZAREL: Hey! Come back here with your two and-a-half cents, old man! I paid good money to lose that cartridge years later!
{Cut back to the Cappy}
ZAREL: {sigh, typing} Lesson learned, Scotty T. The King of Town and video games do not mix. That man eats anything. Even...indie games.
{Zoom out, the King of Town peeks in from the left}
KING OF TOWN: Let me know when you have one of those “homebrews!” I need-a some cold ones for the big game tomorrow!
{The Paper}
Easter Eggs
- Click on "anything" at the end to bring up a book cover for The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer. It depicts a Storybook style Zarel looking at the Cappy in a confused manner and says "Written by TJ and Rob" at the bottom right.
- Click on "Poor Bully Palace" to bring up a video game box for the game of similar namesake. It depicts a bully-looking kid lying in an alley next to a baby deer. In a subtitle it says "featuring Etz the Fawn!"
Trivia
- The Zarel Lewis Checks Something In His Computer, is a reference to the other Homestar children's books. This one sounds similar to The Homestar Runner Gets Something Stuck In His Craw.
- Zarel makes a nod to the Bully series of video games.
- Two of the names Zarel calls Mista T refer to the following
- Piston D: the Detroit Pistons, an NBA basketball team
- Scotty T: Scotty Titi, Lil' Strong Sad's imaginary friend from sbemail: imaginary.
- Mister T is an actor for the show The A-Team.
- The INDIE GAMES stand is a reference to Lucy's Psychiatric Therapy stand in the Peanuts cartoon where she played a shrink to help Charlie Brown with his problems.
