Zarel Emails/45

Zarel E-Mail #45

Zarel goes to see a horror film.

Cast (in order of appearance, not counting the Aruseus email): Zarel, Pter, Foxx, Fang, Lucian, Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad (Easter egg)

Places: The Roomy-Vac, The Theater, The Field (Easter egg)

Transcript

{Scene opens on the Roomy-Vac. Zarel is absent, but after a couple of seconds, he walks in}

ZAREL: Okay...gotta do this. {he begins to type "run_zaremail" but then stops} Actually, let's go see what's going on with the chef in the kitchen! {he leaves, but then comes back} Okay, I have no chef. But I do have laundry and it's calling me to the bathroom! {Zarel leaves.}

PTER: {offscreen} Zarel, get out of there!

ZAREL: {offscreen} No!

{scroll over to see Pter in front of a closet door}

PTER: Come on, Zarel. I know it's hard, but you have to check this email!

ZAREL: But it's gonna make bad stuff happen!

PTER: Zarel, just because the title is...what it is, doesn't mean something bad's gonna happen! Now come on!

{Pter starts dragging Zarel on by the feet}

ZAREL: {in a sort of mock squealy voice, as if imitating a spoiled child} NUUU! NAAAUU! I DUN WANNA EAT THE CALIFLOWER! Alright fine. {types the ".exe"} {quickly sings} This is the shortest email song ever go!

subj: urgent

Dear Zarel, this is urgent.

I am required by the law to show you and the wolf something utterly horrific and bad that happened to your world years ago. Bring Foxx and Pter too. Meet me at the theater.

L.S.

{Zarel gasps and says "am I gorgeous?" after "this is urgent".}

ZAREL: {heavy sigh, begins typing} Alright. You want me to bring us guys to the theater? Alrighty then. {stops typing} Pter, we got ourselves a disaster to watch. It's time for an episode of this Homestar Runner fan spinoff to not feature any of the mainstream Homestar Runner characters at all.

PTER: Is it really 2007 again?

ZAREL: It just may b-wait. What do you mean? Nevermind, let's get going.

{Cut to The Theater, Foxx and Fang have joined the two}

FOXX: So where is this guy?

??????: Glad you guys came.

ZAREL: There you are.

{Cut to show an anthropomorphic Lugia in a dark grey jacket and blue pants, sporting brown hair on his chin}

LUCIAN: It's nice to see you.

FANG: Wait, is this an author cameo? Man I haven't seen these in years! I thought they were banned!

PTER: The Brothers Chaps would never do this...or have they?

LUCIAN: Eh, maybe once or twice. Anyway, take a seat, yous guys. We're about to watch a trainwreck.

FOXX: Trainwreck? It can't be that bad, can it?

{black screen, these words fade in white}

Everything was peaceful in Free Country for a while...

And everyone's favorite anthromorphed Pokemon was doing what he did best.

FOXX: Oh no.

But one day, the end of the world was occuring...

{Cut to The Field, a tall black building stands tall, the skies are dark, and lightning flashes}

...and only he can stop it.

FOXX: OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!

FANG: Foxx, please.

FOXX: OH {long bleep} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ZAREL: FOXX! I know our new host spot allows swears but come on, that's completely out of character for this source mater-

FOXX: WE'RE NOT GOING TO LOOK AT THIS MOCKERY RIGHT NOW! {grabs Lucian by the collar} DO YOU HEAR ME YOU {bleep}?

PTER: Someone tranquilize him.

FOXX: I DIDN'T SCRAPE AND CLAW MY WAY BACK TO RELEVANCE FOR THIS {bleep}!

LUCIAN: What.

{Fang grins, finding this sort of funny}

FOXX: YOU DON'T THINK I'M ON TO YOU BY NOW? AS IF I CAN'T SENSE WHEN SOME SORT OF BULL HONKEY IS AFOOT? YOU DON'T THINK I'M {he flinches, slowly falling asleep} Wise to your... {bleep}ing...games...zzzzzzZZZ... {he's out cold}

PTER: So how much did we miss?

LUCIAN: Oh, nothing important.

{Aruseus and Takuya are walking in The Field}

ARUSEUS: So what the crap is this Ultimatum anyway?

TAKUYA: It's a tall, black building capable of crippling an entire planet and...I don't wanna think about it...

ARUSEUS: I see. So...can we destroy it?

FANG: Hey, I remember that guy!

ZAREL: Yeah! He's...he who shall not be named...{grabs Lucian} What did you do?

LUCIAN: I-

ZAREL: {yells} WHAT DID YOU DO?

FANG: Zarel, don't make me tranquilize you too.

ZAREL:

LUCIAN: Great, the reference is more obvious now. Anyway calm down and let's continue.

ZAREL: Calm down? I'm just about ready to get R-rated up in here right now!

TAKUYA: AW MAN! I'm out of ammo!

{Aruseus runs in with Ert, Homestar, Tom, Garzel, and other people}

ARUSEUS: Go! NOW!

ZAREL: Wow, who's that Pokemon reject?

LUCIAN: You mean all of them?

FANG: And Homestar's there? So I guess they are going to be in this episode.

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} Ooh! My old action film days!

{Zoom out a bit, Homestar is behind them with his Ever and More helmet}

HOMESTAR: Nothing beats the days of when I worked in mockbusters.

FANG: Something smart out of Homestar? My brain's hurting already.

{Homestar kicks back in his seat, putting his feet up on Fang's head}

HOMESTAR: Aah, the good ol' days.

FANG: Now my head and brain hurt.

STRONG BAD: What's with Ert, Tom, and Homestar?

FANG: {drops gun} Run.

STRONG BAD: Wha?

FANG: RUN!

STRONG BAD: Stay here! I'm going to blast them!

FANG: Great Caesar's stab wound, I was fat!

ZAREL: ...the heck were you and Strong Bad doing with guns?

FANG: No idea. I don't even remember this!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Aw man, this crap was real! {Zoom out to show he's next to Homestar} Why can't we get days like this more often? I mean this makes Dangeresque 3 look like child's play!

ZAREL: Please, Strong Bad. No more badly written crap plots. Homestar Runner is supposed to be a comedy, not some sort of dramatic action story.

HOMESTAR: I am not a dramatic action story! I'm a Homestar Runner!

FANG: Quiet, I actually want to get back to this.

TAKUYA: Well...that's finally over with-

{A tremor shakes the earth}

TAKUYA: No...It can't be!

ZAREL: How long is this dang thing?

LUCIAN: Eh, 5 parts, but they're all like, twenty to thirty lines each.

ZAREL: Sheesh. For a "big disaster" this is short and easy to sit through.

TAKUYA: I will use a teleportation device on this thing, and teleport it into outer space, where you will all be saved.

ARUSEUS: But...you'll...the explosion!

TAKUYA: It's for the best. It's for our world.

ARUSEUS: But...we had just started...becoming friends.

ZAREL: {mocking sad voice} Farewell, guy who only appeared once ever!

FANG: We hardly knew ye.

{Cut to a Cemetery, Aruseus stands there, staring at a grave}

ARUSEUS: {softly} Once again...thank you.

ZAREL: For wasting a good half-hour of my life.

{The film ends}

LUCIAN: {sighs} I'm so glad that's long gone. What about you guys?

ZAREL: I wasn't even in it!

LUCIAN: I made you after this was made.

ZAREL: Yeah yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Fang?

FANG: Admittedly, I thought it was so bad, it was...sort of funny. Like hilariously bad.

PTER: {slightly ticked} Oh, it wasn't hilarious at all..

FANG: Eh?

PTER: That...film...if you wish to call it that... {losing his cool} That was MOP-DESTROYING LEVELS OF AWFUL! FOXX WAS RIGHT! {bleep} THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO SIT THROUGH A BUNCH OF MOPEY WHINY CRAP, WITH CHARACTERS WE ALL STOPPED CARING ABOUT BACK IN 2009! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! I WANT MY MINUTES BACK! I WANT MY ROLLOVER {flinch} Minutes...ZZZZZzzzz...

ZAREL: Do you naturally carry a tranquilizer gun on you, Fang?

FANG: It's a living.

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac, The Paper comes down}

{After 10 seconds, the email on screen statics, and changes to this}

Clever Mr. Lewis...

Cleverly done, Mr. Lewis, but you're not supposed to be here.
As a matter of fact, you're not.

I want to give you an offer you won't regret.

DESTROY THE ULTIMATIUM, the tall black building in the city that is crippling the city slowly.

I have a note: You and your friends discover they've somehow escaped both the reactor explosion and my malevolent grasp. Before you can ponder their miraculous survival, the crippled Ultimatium lurches back to life just long enough to initiate a self-destruct sequence. With your friends at your side, you must flee a city in chaos before the Ultimatium's final detonation turns the country into a toxic, mutant-infested crater.

Until we meet again, Lord ApocalypX the 1st of the Ultimatum

{after 15 seconds, the email statics and changes again}

---

Just kidding. ;)

Easter Eggs

• Click on "kidding" for an extra scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to The Field. Fang is holding a cardboard sword and dressed in a poorly made costume based on Aruseus. Across from him is Strong Mad dressed in a large black cardboard box with "Ulta-mooty" scribbled on it in white paint marker}

STRONG MAD: MACGUFFIN!

{Fang bops it once with the sword, Strong Mad falls over}

FANG: I have slain the beast!

{Homestar throws confetti from offscreen}

HOMESTAR: {softly} Yaaaaay...

Trivia

• Not gonna lie. That email was less grueling to re-read than I thought.
• Oh yeah. There's a couple of Homestuck direct quotes here, specifically Foxx's and Zarel's flip outs. Foxx's is a nearly word-for-word imitation of Vriska's rage moment at Hussie, and Zarel directly quotes Jadesprite's flip out, right down to the zappy green text.