Zarel Emails/44

Zarel E-Mail #44

Zarel gets challenged to a brawl by another email checker. Co-written by ProhibitTheBastard.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Pter, Barry Bird, Boss Boo, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Strong Sad, Fang, Marzipan

Places: The Roomy-Vac, Barry's Living Room, The Field, Strong Bad's Computer Room, Marzipan's Gazebo

Transcript

ZAREL: There was this one time, an email walked up to me, and then I slapped it in the face.

subj: hi

Dear Zarel,

YO ZAREL! I HAVE A BETTER EMAIL SHOW THAN YOU!
You suck! Let's brawl!

MEET ME AT 6TH STREET, BARRY BIRD!
p.s. what is your favorite well iunno video game genre

{Zarel shouts every bit in caps, and says "Meet me at 6th street, Barry Bird" as if he's saying it to someone, and ignores the postscript bit}

ZAREL: {typing} Woah woah woah. You meaning to tell me there are actually other people knocking off Strong Bad's show? I mean, besides me and Homestar Runner?

PTER: {offscreen} Actually... {Pan out to show Pter next to Zarel.} Lots of people did this back around 2004 and so. In fact in 2007 we had someone-

{Zarel angrily grabs Pter by the collar}

ZAREL: {through his teeth, punctuating every word} We. Don't. Talk about that.

PTER: Okay, jeez. {starts floating offscreen} Not like it won't be coming up soon anyway.

ZAREL: {typing} Alright, so there were email shows back then. I just didn't expect there'd be someone else doing it in 2014. Wait a sec, what do you mean my show sucks and yours is better? Oh, it's on. I'll take your challenge, Mr. Barry Bird. Just you wait. {Zarel leaves.}

{scene cuts to Barry's computer room with Barry Bird in the computer}

BARRY: To sum it up, there is such thing as a crapper. What with all the toilets go for the- {doorbell rings} Huh, I bet it's pizza! Also, I never remembered having a doorbell. Probably the Mormon guy installed it. {leaves as he screen cuts to Barry's living room, and he walks across the room to get the door, and opens it} Hello?

VOICE: Package for Mr. Bird.

BOSS BOO: {walks in} What are you doing, Barry, you have work to do! Break's over!

BARRY: Hey. I thought this is break time. I'm 1 minute in for this 10 minute break?

BOSS BOO: Oh, that break would belong to yo momma!

{audience laugh track plays as Seinfeld music play with Barry looking disgusted and the words say the following:}

ZAREL VS. BARRY WILL BE BACK AFTER THESE WORDS

{then screen cuts to black}

{screen cuts to a green screen that says the following:}

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR

EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY!

BY THE MOTION PICTURE GUY OF FREE COUNTRY USA

{screen cuts to Homestar and Strong Bad in an unknown background as Zack Hemsey's Mind Heist from the 3rd trailer of Inception plays}

STRONG BAD: We have dreams! We dream of a {scene cuts to the corn field with halos on top of each corn} HOLY CROP!

{The following words appear:}

FROM THE CREATORS OF HOMESTAR RUNNER
THE BROTHERS CHAPS

{and the words appear:}

AND DIRECTED BY
UWE BOLL
MICHAEL BAY
ROLAND EMMERICH
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
FRIEDBERG AND SELTZER
QUAD CITY DJs
AND
CHARLES BARKLEY

{scene cuts to The Field with Strong Bad falling from the cliff}

STRONG BAD: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Ho ho!

{scene cuts to Strong Bad's Computer Room with Strong Bad typing his Compe}

STRONG BAD: I! DON'T! SOUND! ANGRY! AT! ALL!

{the words appear:}

STRONG BAD

{scene cuts to the Brother Strongs' bathroom}

STRONG SAD: {offscreen} What smells? It smells like-

{as the music comes to an end, the words appear:}

INCRAPSION

{scene cuts to Homestar and Strong Bad in an unknown background}

HOMESTAR: That's a good show.

STRONG BAD: No it's not!

{the words appear:}

NOT COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU AT ALL

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} NO! MORE! RELIGION!

{the words appear with the Announcer saying the following:}

NOW BACK TO ZAREL VS. BARRY

{scene cuts back to Barry's living room}

BARRY: {singing} I got a package. {normal voice} I wonder who it is...

{Barry opens the package to find Zarel's head inside, stacked upon all his other body parts.}

ZAREL: Great cripes, they need to put air holes in that freakin' box next time! {looks at Barry} Oh, hey there.

BARRY: Hi there, how's it goin'... uh... stranger?

ZAREL: Stranger? I'm Zarel. You know, the one you challenged to the brawl or something?

BARRY: Zarel? Oh! Zarel- look, I need to explain, I didn't type the email, someone who used my name typed the email.

ZAREL: Oh. So then disassembling myself and mailing me to your house so that you can face certain doom, that whole shebang was pointless?

BARRY: Actually I-

BOSS BOO: {laughing sinisterly offscreen}

BARRY: That wasn't you in the coffee room, was it? {looks at Zarel} Listen, Zarel. I actually know who typed that mail. If we get him, you and I shall beat him up. What do you say?

ZAREL: What do I say? I say...to the backside of Uranus with this crossover! I was expecting a brawl! A fight to the death! A battle of all battles! Only to find that your stupid boss was the guy who sent the email? Oh by the way I know it was the stupid boss guy.

BARRY: But-

ZAREL: Butts are for lower halves of bodies, friend. Speaking of, I gotta re-jigsaw...er...reassemble.

{The box with Zarel's parts in it hops offscreen, cut back to the Roomy-Vac room, the box hops onscreen}

ZAREL: Well that was a great deal of hopping. Pter, can you assist me in getting me out of this box?

PTER: {offscreen} Sorry, Zarel, I'm booked. Got some inevitable doom to prepare for.

ZAREL: Oh boy. Fang, make sure you get the popcorn for that!

FANG: {offscreen} Got it!

ZAREL: Oh, and Fang? Can you come in here?

{Fang walks in}

FANG: What's up?

ZAREL: It's another email number that's a multiple of 11. You know what to do.

{Cut to Marzipan's Gazebo, Fang is whacking Zarel's disembodied head against the post}

ZAREL: {with each whack} That...was...the most...reference...heavy...non...sequitur...I had...to suffer...in my...life!

{Marzipan peeks in}

MARZIPAN: Do you always do this, Zarel?

{Fang stops, Zarel is dizzy}

ZAREL: {delirious} I'm a regular!

{The Paper comes down}

Trivia

• None for now.