Zarel Emails/35

This email was left unfinished, and the original premise was changed. To view the unfinished original, click here.

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Zarel E-Mail #35

Zarel discusses the worst things he's done, seen, or eaten.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, Homestar, Bubs, Strong Sad, Pter, The Cheat, Strong Mad (Easter egg), Homsar (Easter egg)

Places: Strong Bad's Living Room, The Roomy-Vac, The Stick, Bubs' Concession Stand, Strong Mad's Room (Easter egg)

Transcript

{The email opens on Zarel sleeping on Strong Bad's couch, Zarel is snoring loudly. The lights turn on, and Strong Bad enters}

STRONG BAD: Ding dong! Hey, ding-dong.

ZAREL: Mmmnnh...mn...

STRONG BAD: I thought you had a house! What the heck are you doing here?

ZAREL: Nn...Project M...{wakes up} Wh-wha? How long was I out? How'd I get here? What happened to the others?

STRONG BAD: It's been two years, or a couple of months. I dunno. You just kind of turned your email-cation into your email...bernation.

ZAREL: Are the others okay? Pter's legs weren't eaten by Strong Mad, were they?

STRONG BAD: Uh...he's never had them to begin with.

ZAREL: WHAT?! I gotta get to his physical therapy appointment! {dashes off}

STRONG BAD: Jeez, are we sure he's not just Homestar in a costume?

{Cut to the Roomy-Vac, at Zarel's computer screen, Zarel runs past it, panting. The Roomy-Vac flashes with the following:}

ATTENTION

You have 1 new e-mail.

ZAREL: Wait, does that say "one new email?" Finally! I can properly come out of proper email-bercation!

subj: the worst

Dear Zarel,
What might've been the worst thing you've ever seen?

Yours, the worthless protoplasm

{He reads the yours as "your" and doesn't pause for the comma}

ZAREL: {typing} Hey! I am not a worthless protoplasm! If anything, the worst thing I might've seen is your mannerisms! You're deserving of a-DELETED!

{The following comes up with a Windows 98-style ding}

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Message deleted.

ZAREL: {typing} What?! That's gotta be the worst "Deleted" I've ever seen a computer do! I'm sure Strong Mad's computer has a better "Deleted" than that! I mean, I type in something that's been noticeable for making a loud "BRAAAAMP" sound and a big flashy screen and I just get a little ding? I gotta get someone to install a better deleted feature into this Roomy-Vac.

{Zarel leaves. Cut to The Stick, where Homestar is buttdancing in his Daisy Dukes from "long pants"}

HOMESTAR: Buttdance four! Buttdance more!

{Zarel walks in and jumps in disgust}

ZAREL: Ugh, what the? Homestar, why are you doing this to the poor Stick? The Stick, avert your branches! {Zarel covers The Stick}

HOMESTAR: Well, if you were here two years ago, you would've known that I took up every Sunday as "Butt Pants Day" where I butt dance in butt pants at The Butt! I mean...the Stick.

ZAREL: Geez, this is probably the worst thing you could do to The Stick, and probably the worst experience at The Stick that I've seen. I'm outta here. The Stick, you're on your own for this one.

{Zarel walks off to the right. Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: What can I get, for you fine...Oh, my stars! It's the Back Scratcher...arm!

ZAREL: A-what now?

BUBS: Don't you remember? You severed them digits of yours on my door, and then I was about sell the digits as a back scratcher! That's gotta be your worst case of memory loss I've seen!

ZAREL: And that's gotta be the worst way to use my detached hand. Not just scratching backs, scratching Coach Z's back.

BUBS: Well he didn't buy it. Actually, I think you bought it back from me the next day!

ZAREL: I found it left carelessly on your stand when I woke up early that morning.

{Flashback. It's sunset, and Zarel looks super-tired, holding a coffee mug sporting the Blue Laser logo, and wearing pajama bottoms and no shirt or shoes. Bubs' is closed.}

ZAREL: {sleepily} Hey there, Bubs. What's on sale? Oh look, a lucky dragon butt-scratcher. I'll be rolling in dough in no time.

{Zarel takes the hand back, and the flashback fades into reality.}

ZAREL: And that's how I got it back.

BUBS: I was gonna make a good profit off of that by scamming people into thinking it's lucky! That was the worst thing you've ever stolen from me! Or the best!

ZAREL: It clearly was the worst caper I pulled off. Not enough action or breaking people's stuff.

{Strong Sad enters into the scene}

STRONG SAD: Zarel, if there's anything I could add to your worst things list, it's the worst thing you could've forgotten about! Your friend in physical therapy!

ZAREL: Oh, crapdragons! You're right! I have to go see Pter! {dashes off}

BUBS: Aw man, there goes my only interesting conversation so far today!

STRONG SAD: You're welcome!

{Cut back to Strong Bad's Living Room. Strong Bad is sitting on Stooly, holding a clipboard and wearing a toupee. Pter is lying down on the couch.}

STRONG BAD: So, Mister..."Er," how's life as a legless lizard?

PTER: I can't say it's been much different than I remember, considering I never had legs to begin with.

STRONG BAD: Do you feel one with the pythons yet?

PTER: Not really, considering pythons don't have arms, and I'm not exactly venomous. Also, pythons are incapable of hovering.

{Zarel dashes in}

ZAREL: Pter! I'm sorry I forgot about you after your accident! How's the wife? You're not experiencing too much phantom limb, are you?

PTER: Zarel, for the last time, I've always been like this!

ZAREL: He's getting delusional! The Cheat! Hand me the defib!

{The Cheat rushes on for a brief moment to hand Zarel a defibrillator}

PTER: No no, seriously! I've-

{Zarel shocks Pter and he begins to get shocked}

PTER: AGHBLBLBLBLLBL... {panting and shaking his fist after Zarel's done} One of these days, Zarel...one of these days...

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} So there's just about all the worst things that I've ever seen, done, or eaten. Let's recap the list: The manners of a worthless protoplasm, The Roomy-Vac's default deleted screen, Homestar's "Butt Pants Sundays", My hand scratching Coach Z's back, Me stealing...wait a minute. Didn't I delete that email? Then what the crap am I typing for? Ugh, that's gotta be the worst thing I've ever done with an email. Oh well, can't let this idea go to waste! My memory, me stealing back my hand from Bubs, Homestar butt-dancing at The Stick, a conversation with Strong Sad...

{The scene fades out, and fades back into the Roomy-Vac's screen with Zarel's "Worst Things I've Ever Seen, Done, or Eaten" list, which reads:}

{The Paper}

Worst Things List.docx

Worst Things I've Ever Seen, Done, or Eaten

The manners of a worthless protoplasm
The Roomy-Vac's default deleted screen
Homestar's "Butt Pants Sundays"
My hand scratching Coach Z's back
My memory
The nickname "Back scratcher-arm"
Me stealing back my hand from Bubs
Homestar's butt-dancing at The Stick
A conversation with Strong Sad
My memory
My skills as a doctor
The Cheat's screentime in this episode
Pter's left foot
Cheap knock-off movies
The Cheat
The fact I forgot about Pter in physica

Easter Eggs

• As Zarel is typing "I'm sure Strong Mad's computer has a better "Deleted" than that!", click on "Strong Mad's computer" and then when Zarel leaves, it will cut to an extra scene where Strong Mad is at his computer. (Easter Egg 1)
• Click on "deleted screen" at the end for an extra scene. (Easter Egg 2)
• Click on "movies" at the end for an extra scene. (Easter Egg 3)
• Click on "physica" at the end for another extra scene. (Easter Egg 4)

Easter Egg 1 Transcript

{Cut to Strong Mad's room, his box computer displays this}

subj: boxxy

dear strong mad,
how does your computer work if it is box
captain bunsworth

STRONG MAD: GRAH! {smashes his box computer with his fist, crushing it} Uh oh.

Easter Egg 2 Transcript

{Bubs and Zarel are at the Roomy-Vac's screen}

BUBS: Okay! Try it out!

ZAREL: Here we go! {types "DELETED} DELETE-ARGH!

{An explosion appears on the screen, knocking Zarel and Bubs backwards, however, the screen isn't destroyed}

ZAREL: I think that's a little too extreme. Why don't we just go with a simple colored screen?

Easter Egg 3 Transcript

{Cut to Strong Bad's Living Room. Zarel is sitting on the couch watching TV.}

TV ANNOUNCER: Now, strap yourselves in for the movie you just bought, "Dangerous Three: The Bad Guy Plans Things!"

ZAREL: Aw, man! You told me you bought the legit film!

{Cut to the back of the couch, Homsar is lying on his back}

HOMSAR: Aaaaawww shucks! The walkie-talkie wasn't a real boy! {The hat floats off his head and does several loops, never to really return to his head}

Easter Egg 4 Transcript

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Pter's "physical therapy session}

STRONG BAD: So do you imagine yourself as one of them... "way-verns" now?

PTER: Those are dragons with no arms!

ZAREL: {offscreen} He's delusional again! The Cheat, get me the pain pills!

Trivia

• Holy crap, this email has a lot of extra scenes.
• "Project M" is a hack of Super Smash Bros. Brawl in which the game is meant to function more like its previous installment.
• Pter's line at the end is said similarly to the famous line from "The Honeymooners." It was said by Ralph Kramden, and was followed with "POW, right in the kisser!"