Zarel Emails/31

Zarel E-Mail #31

Zarel gets drafted for the Willing Allies of the World.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Fang, Marzipan, Homestar Runner, Homsar

Places: The Roomy-Vac, The Bar, Homestar's House

Transcript

ZAREL: So, Fang, any solutions to my seemingly lack of any good emails?

FANG: Well, I actually ended up finding Aruseus' email address, hacked into it, and took what was in his inbox and put it in yours.

ZAREL: So you stole from him?

FANG: "Stole" is such a harsh word. I merely "borrowed".

ZAREL: I'd still say stolen, but whatever works! Let's see what I got from him today.

subject: You've been drafted, Stupid!

Dear Mr. Aruseus,

You have just been drafted by The Willing Allies of the World. Your first mission shall take place on the border of Austria and Hungary. There, you (and some other soldiers) will have to take out The Brotherhood of Alan's (the enemy) Elite Tank Batallion, Find (and destroy) The Brotherhood of Alan's (highly guarded) Main Base (which is in front of thier Capital Building), sneak into The Brotherhood of Alan's Capital Building, and kill Head Brother Nod Alan and his trusty General, Yuri. Got all that?

- Genral Whatsisnaym.

ZAREL: Dear Mr. Aruseus...now let's fix that, shall we? {changes it to "Dear Mr. Zarel"} Alright. {he reads the rest of the email} {typing} Willing Allies of the World? Marzipan, is that you?

{Zoom out to show Marzipan next to Zarel}

MARZIPAN: Correct-a-mundo, Zarel-llio.

ZAREL: Since when were you qualified to be an army general? I thought they didn't allow women in the army!

MARZIPAN: We're Municipality approved; it helps when you're the daughter of their leader.

ZAREL: Okay, so anyway, about this email, I thought you were supposed to be all peaceful and crap!

MARZIPAN: That's because everything we say is in code! You see, in the subject line, "Stupid" actually means "new recruit." "Austria and Hungary" actually mean "Homestar's house and Strongbadia", with "The Brotherhood of Alan" being the Homestarmy. "Main Base" actually means the Bar, and we're not actually destroying it, just getting drinks. Also, "kill" is W.A.W. code for "get my gardening tools back from", and "Nod Alan" is actually Homestar, and "Yuri" is Homsar.

ZAREL: So let me get the story straight. You're asking me to go to Homestar's house, get drinks at the bar, and then get your gardening tools back from Homestar?

MARZIPAN: Right you are, stupid.

ZAREL: Please remind me later to bang my head on a post at your Gazebo in sheer disgust later.

MARZIPAN: Remind you to "make a ham sandwich." Got it.

ZAREL: I'm sorry, Marzipan, but this just seems rather "new recruit" to me.

MARZIPAN: I know, it's a great plan!

ZAREL: What? No, I was calling it stupid and...you know what, forget it. Let's go.

{The two go off to the bar with some montage music playing. There are scenes of Marzipan and Zarel getting drinks; she orders herbal tea, Zarel has a Cold One}

MARZIPAN: And that is why I think herbal tea is good for the soul, stupid.

ZAREL: Yeah, yeah, if anything, a Cold One will be good for my soul...and my sanity.

{Cue the montage music again, the two go to Homestar's doorstep.}

ZAREL: Alright, so here's where we "kill" him?

MARZIPAN: Indeed.

{Zarel knocks on the door, Homestar answers}

HOMESTAR: Oh, hello! Which of three candy bites should I drag on top of you tonight?

ZAREL: Homestar, it's not Halloween. It's May. And we're here to kill you.

MARZIPAN: Shhh! Don't reveal important Willing Allies of the World code!

HOMESTAR: Wait a minute, hold on. {Homestar dashes off, then dashes back on wearing his orange bowl and holding his spoon} You'll never get your gardening tools back this time, Mary Jane!

MARZIPAN: Give them back, Nod Alan! How did you know our code anyway?

HOMESTAR: I sent in a spy!

{Fang walks in from behind them}

FANG: Reporting for duty!

HOMESTAR: First Private Second Try-vate Fangus Wolferion! What's the word?

FANG: It appears they are here to get the gardening tools back.

ZAREL: Um, I think we established this already...

HOMESTAR: Nay, I say, and neigh again! These are important to our plans to capture the land of Hungary! Isn't that right, Yuri?

{Cut to Homsar on the couch}

HOMSAR: DaaaaaAAAAAh-I staple chickens for tea time!

HOMESTAR: A great plan, my trusty General! And now, ducks!

{Homestar runs out of the house and shuts the door behind him, with Fang following}

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} And that is why I must fly a helicopter from my term, Last Idiot Mary Jane. Now if you'll drink lemonade me, I'll be over in a few, to make a ham sandwich. Saturday, Stupid Albert.

{Zarel leaves and The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "Stupid Albert" for a translation of Zarel's reply.

-----

And that is why I must resign from my service, First Lieutenant Marzipan. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be over in a few, to bang my head on a post in your gazebo.

Sincerly,

New Recruit Zarel.

Fun Facts

• "First Private Second Try-vate" is actually in reference to sbemail: retirement, and comes from Marshie's line of "First Prize! Second Tries!"
• "And now, ducks" is taken from asdfmovie5.
• "Mary Jane" is not only a slang term for marijuana, but also the name of the love interest of Peter Parker in the Spider-Man comics.