(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P8
Synopsis
Lex takes himself, Chaos, Fritz, Lang, and Noxigar to New York for a vacation. Remolay and Oiracul are forced to stick around and miss out on all of the "fun" while they experience the typical Townindale happenings.
Transcript
{Setting: the Wikihood manor. Noxigar proceeds to go to the dinner table with a tray. He puts a few hot dogs on the plate. He proceeds to get some buns, and places the hot dogs inside their respective buns. After a while, he proceeds to enter the fridge. He takes out ketchup, mustard, and grape jelly. He puts them on all his hot dogs. He then sits down to eat his food. Next to his tray of hot dogs there is a sheet of paper and a pen. While Noxigar is chewing part of a hot dog, he begins writing a letter.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} I wrote some letters to Dr. Zoidberg and Namine about the evils of Raiku and his incorrigible Keyblade. Maybe I should write to the latter and discuss Debonair D'Arque? He runs an asylum and I could probably use her help. It sucks I don't know their true names, though, for I only witness them in the aforementioned fictional costumes and roles they play.
{Noxigar finishes chewing the hot dog fragment, swallowing it. He then thinks for a moment.}
NOXIGAR: {thinking} Wait a second. Wasn't the point of cooking these hot dogs to give 'em to Vindiator?
{Noxigar takes half of the hot dogs on the tray and puts them on a big plate. He then walks out of the dining room table, carrying this plate downstairs to the basement. From there, he opens the door and leaves the plate on the floor. He immediately closes the door and hears audible and ravenous eating of the hot dogs from the other side. Slightly flinching from the noise, Noxigar immediately proceeds to return to the dining room and resume writing his letter and eating another hot dog. After a few minutes, he puts the letter inside the envelope, seals it, and proceeds to write "From Lexon Darkheart" on its front. He then promptly goes outside to the Manor's front yard, and proceeds to put the letter in the mailbox.}
NOXIGAR: Oh, I know what I forgot to do!
{Noxigar takes out a notepad from his labcoat's jacket pocket, which has his list of things to do. After inspecting it to see what needs to be accomplished, Noxigar proceeds to walk offscreen. Cut to Lex, Chaos, and Remolay back in the Wikihood Manor. Chaos is wearing his accounting glasses and has a large calculator out.}
CHAOS: Alright, well I'm almost done tallying our bananas, and it appears we've got about $2,000 left over for spending.
LEX: We could buy one trashy new car or part of one refurbished old car with that!
REMOLAY: Is that really a wise use of your money? I mean, Chaos can float, you can run everywhere, Noxigar seems to be technologically proficient, Oiracul can probably shapeshift into something that transports herself, and come to think of it did you ever notice that...
{Remolay trails off, his voice being heard faintly in the background.}
CHAOS: I think everyone's still a little high strung after all we went through with D'Arque and Rosenberg.
LEX: That's impossible, I've been downing at least 2 bottles of Mello Yello a day!
CHAOS: You know that stuff doesn't actually do anything to mellow you out, right?
LEX: ...Just have to ruin my good mood, don't you.
CHAOS: Perhaps we can use this money for something that we can use to calm all of our nerves.
LEX: But I thought you banned the usage of that in the household?
CHAOS: I wasn't talking about weed, Lex.
LEX: Aw, damn it. A holiday perhaps? You, me, and Noxi?
CHAOS: That's a bit unfair, I mean... Remolay and Oiracul are just as relevant and important as us. What about them?
LEX: ...I'm not seeing the issue here. We blew up some old guy's mansion. When have they ever done that?
CHAOS: Well Oiracul used to-
LEX: Yeah, yeah, roll with some secret order, big whoop. I rolled with the Rat Pack!
CHAOS: It's hardly considered "rolling" when it was one time, you were drunk off your eyeballs, and you stole the mic off Sinatra and kicked Sammy Davis off the stage.
LEX: Hey, what can I say? I party hard, and I party fast.
CHAOS: Well, I think we should still check on Remolay and Oiracul. Maybe they could take the edge off their days.
{Chaos heads upstairs.}
REMOLAY: ...And that's why I'm not allowed at SeaWorld anymore. I'll certainly think twice before I go cross-dressing again!
{Lex looks concerned.}
LEX: This is why we don't bring you places.
{Cut to Chaos, knocking on Oiracul's door.}
CHAOS: Hey Oiracul! You in there?
{Oiracul opens the door, squinting.}
OIRACUL: Is it nighttime yet?
CHAOS: Uh, not that I'm aware of.
OIRACUL: Yeah, sorry. I've been getting sleep deprivation the past few days and my head feels like I tripped on some acid.
CHAOS: So how are Fritz and Lang doing?
{Fritz and Lang show up, and open the door more fully to Oiracul's room.}
FRITZ: AWW, WE WERE STARTING TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL THERAPY SESSION!
LANG: I WOULDN'T CALL IT SUCCESSFUL SO MUCH AS WE GOT OIRACUL TO SLEEP.
FRITZ: THAT IS A TRIUMPH IN OF ITSELF!
CHAOS: Color me confused in six different ways.
OIRACUL: {yawns} I wouldn't put it past you to be confused. I'm just glad I got them successfully repaired about two hours ago.
CHAOS: Hey, thanks for that suggestion by the way.
OIRACUL: What suggestion?
CHAOS: When you mentioned how D'Arque did little other than sit on his bony ass, it helped me in the Mad Dash.
OIRACUL: Wait, really?
CHAOS: Yeah. I gotta hand it to you, you're one of the more sane guests of this estate. Why don't you do much anyway?
OIRACUL: Lycanthropy messes with my sleep to a nasty fault. Luckily, I don't have it nearly as bad as others who often go berserk and wind up with Murder 1 charges the next month.
CHAOS: You were fine about a week ago. What happened?
OIRACUL: I passed out. Then, after I woke up my sleep cycle restarted. I'm trying to get back to sleep, but unfortunately there's way too much on my mind.
CHAOS: I can go get some herbal tea if you'd like.
OIRACUL: Actually, I should go downstairs. I'm getting the munchies anyway.
{Oiracul and Chaos walk downstairs. Remolay and Lex can be seen still conversing}
REMOLAY: Then there was this one time at band camp-
LEX: Hold that thought, Remolay!
{Lex turns to face Chaos and Oiracul.}
LEX: Hey, guys! What's up?
CHAOS: Hey do you know where we keep the herbal tea?
REMOLAY: I thought we kept it in the pantry.
CHAOS: No, I checked.
OIRACUL: Something tells me you guys aren't very organized with your resources.
LEX: How's this for organization? We've just decide-
CHAOS: Actually I did all of the accounting.
LEX: {seemingly deflated} ...We're going on a road trip and you're invited.
OIRACUL: I really wouldn't want to go out during the day.
CHAOS: Actually, it seems like you haven't done much with us. I insist! I'll even treat you to lunch!
OIRACUL: I really don't think I should be going much of anywhere until I've gotten my sleep schedule somewhat regular.
REMOLAY: It's alright, I'll keep you company.
CHAOS: You're kidding, right? You're the two people we wanted to come with us.
LEX: Uh-oh, that means...
{Fritz and Lang come tumbling down the stairs and crash into the TV, which knocks over a lamp and starts a small fire.}
LEX: Well, it could be worse. We could invite Rosenberg. And we all know he's a little stiff.
REMOLAY: Oh, I get it, because he's like in suspended animation, right?
LEX: No, you don't get it!
{Lex flips the table, knocking Remolay over. He then promptly walks upstairs to pack his bags.}
CHAOS: Well, that was unbelievably retarded.
REMOLAY: {In obvious pain} Well, I have to stick around because I just got a new job.
OIRACUL: Wonderful, we'll make a grand old time of it. So long as we get a little bit of money so we can treat ourselves well enough while you guys are away.
{Chaos pulls a wad of money out of his pocket. He tries to hand it to Remolay, but his hand is broken. He just tucks it into his shirt pocket.}
CHAOS: I'm gonna go call shotgun and complain for an hour about whatever I can muster up. I'll see you guys in a few days.
{Chaos walks offscreen.}
OIRACUL: I have a felling that the others rub off on Chaos more than he wants to believe.
{Chaos walks into the garage as Noxigar backs up in a Volkswagen Samba.}
CHAOS: You got a large van?
LEX: Hate to break it to you Noxi, but we're already short two people. Your purchase may be a little unnecessary for a while.
NOXIGAR: Well, time to crash it into the dealers.
{Noxigar shifts back into drive and is about to speed off.}
CHAOS AND LEX: {simultaneously} NOXIGAR, NO!
{Fritz and Lang walk in the way of Noxigar, and he manages to catch himself before he slams the pedal.}
FRITZ: I WISH TO SEE WHAT GROCERY STORES IN TOWNINDALE POSSESS.
LANG: ME TOO!
CHAOS: Son of a bitch.
LEX: Look, guys, we're not going grocery shopping. We're gonna go on vacation for a few days, and you're invited!
FRITZ: WE ARE WELL AWARE, BUT WE THOUGHT VACATIONS WERE OUTINGS MEANT TO BROADEN ONE'S HORIZONS.
LEX: You've never been to a grocery store before?
LANG: MASTER ROSENBERG WASN'T A FAN OF FLAUNTING US ABOUT TOWN.
CHAOS: Now you know how we feel.
NOXIGAR: Come on, roll on inside. We're gonna trick this on the highway!
LEX: I think I might have a place in mind for us to head off to.
CHAOS: One of your old friends?
LEX: Nothing but. My ol' pal Sharoth. He's a buddy I used to roll with back in the day. We did some crazy stuff, we did.
CHAOS: Oh lord.
NOXIGAR: That name sounds vaguely familiar... I feel like I've heard that name before.
LEX: Preposterous! It's the most original name ever.
CHAOS: It's kind of a cool name.
LEX: And he's a pretty cool guy. I met him was during my "solo years" in the 70s. The dude and I still keep contact, via pigeon-mail.
FRITZ: THAT EXPLAINS THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF PIGEONS THAT LANG AND I-
{Lang ejects a pigeon out his processor that flys away.}
CHAOS: All of that hardly seems convenient.
LEX: He's one of those traditional types, y'know? All up in the "groove" zone.
NOXIGAR: I have a sinking feeling that the pigeon mail is probably because he's got something else to hide.
CHAOS: Lex, you know some weird people. Do you even remember what the guy looks like?
LEX: Hell if I know. I used to know back then, but copious amounts of opiates have made my memory of that era kinda fuzzy.
CHAOS: Right. So, where are we headed?
LEX: Man, where else are we headed? We're going straight to the best city in the world, my friend! The city that never sleeps! Where you find yourself being top of the heap, head of the list, king of the hill!
CHAOS: Arlen, Texas?
LEX: What? Nah. We've got no need for propane where we're going. I'm talking about the city where if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere!!
NOXIGAR: Bluehaven? I'm still a little curious to visit after your sterling reccomendations.
CHAOS: Screw Bluehaven. We are not going to Bluehaven.
LEX: No! I'm talking about...
{Lex pulls a map out of the dashboard storage. He gives it to Chaos. Pan over to reveal that it's a map of New York city.}
LEX: NEW YORK, NEW YORK.
{Pause}
CHAOS: Yeah, I can totally go for that. You guys?
{Fritz and Lang make joyous beeping noises.}
LANG: FRITZ AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO NEW YORK BEFORE!
FRITZ: YEAH, SOUNDS EXCITING!
LANG: ROSENBERG WOULD ALWAYS HYPE IT UP AS A CITY OF GLORY AND UNPARALLELED ARCHITECTURE.
NOXIGAR: Though, wouldn't going under Rosenberg's radar cause a bit of a problem if he needs to call upon us?
LEX: Oh yeah. He keeps trying to call us. I kept deleting his calls because you said it yourself, we really don't want any part in his stuff.
CHAOS: True, but you could at least tell us when he does that.
FRITZ: GUYS, THAT PROBABLY ISN'T THE BEST IDEA.
LANG: YEAH, MR. ROSENBERG DOESN'T LIKE BEING IGNORED. BELIEVE ME, WE KNOW.
FRITZ: HE ONCE GOT AN ENTIRE PARTY OF PEOPLE ARRESTED FOR ILLEGAL DRUGS JUST BECAUSE THEY REFUSED TO INVITE HIM, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST RETURN THE CALLS.
LANG: TELL HIM TO BZZZ-BZZZ-BUZZ OFF.
CHAOS: Not sure if that's a good plan either. Hmph, just as I know we haven't seen the last of D'Arque, I don't think Ol' Rosie is gonna just let us off the hook like that. He'll probably end up resorting to kidnap sooner or later-
{Pause}
CHAOS: You know what? Lex, you're right. I'm tired of this bullshit too. Everybody get in the car.
{Chaos tries to hop in shotgun, but it appears that Lex is already seated. Chaos looks back to where Lex was last standing, in the doorway to the garage. Chaos scowls and climbs in the backmost seat and lays down as Noxigar walks off.}
CHAOS: Don't wake me up until we're there.
{Noxigar returns with a suitcase.}
NOXIGAR: Alright, I packed my essentials - gotta bring the portable alchemy kit and a few video games.
{Noxigar throws the suitcase in the back with Chaos.}
CHAOS: {to suitcase} Don't wake me up.
NOXIGAR: Come to think of it, I'll probably need a few more pieces of equipment in case of stray kaiju attacks or superhero crossovers.
{Noxigar turns the key to start the car so they can access the radio. Lex puts it on the Classic Rock station.1 Immediately, he begins to sing along.}
LEX: POUR SOME SUGAR ON MEEE, IN THE NAME OF LOVE. COME ON, FIRE IT UP
CHAOS: Oh god, Lex.
LEX: I'M HOT, STICKY SWEET, FROM MY HEAD, TO MY FEET, YEAAAAAHHH
CHAOS: Lex, please. Stop.
LEX: Oh, phooey. Fine.
CHAOS: Besides, your shouting is disturbing the neighbors! Just look at the Kang family.
{Chaos points outside to one of the houses adjacent to the manor. Pan over to the interior of the house. The wife of the family is peeking through the window past the shades, looking rather concerned at their actions, while the husband sits nonchalantly at his armchair, reading the paper by the fire.}
MRS. KANG: 꿀, 봐. 길 건너편 이상한 사람들이 이상하게 다시 작동됩니다. (Honey, look. The weird people across the road are acting strangely again.)
MR. KANG: 그것은 그들을 사랑하는 무시하는 것만으로 좋습니다. 그렇다면 우리는 우리가 일반적으로하는 것처럼 그들이 존재하지 않는 척 할 수있다. (It's best just to ignore them dear. Then we can pretend that they don't exist, like we usually do.)
{Cut back.}
LEX: Alright, fiiiine. I'll go get Nox. Wait a sec.
{Lex leaves the van and enters the manor. While Chaos is alone with the robots he leans over to the dashboard radio and changes the radio station to the Broadway Station. He giddily smiles with glee as he listens. After an amount of time, Lex returns with Noxigar as they enter the car. Chaos tries to turn the station over quickly before they enter, but is unable to. He leans back, as if he were in that position the whole time.}
LEX: Hey, Chaos? Did you change the station?
CHAOS: {In an obviously suspect tone} Me? Why, never! I would never do that! Not at all!
NOXIGAR: Alright, we're off!
CHAOS: Are you sure we're all ready, then?
LEX: Absolutely. I'm not going to disappoint Sharoth.
NOXIGAR: Wait, how would you disappoint him?
LEX: Oh, you know...
{Lex stares at Noxigar as he shifts the car into first gear. Noxigar narrows his eyes skeptically and turns to face the road.}
NOXIGAR: How long are we gonna be there, anyway?
LEX: Oh, I have us booked for the whole weekend. Well, three days, actually. Just us guys, chilling in the NYC. Remolay and Oiracul were gonna join us, but they had to duck out, unfortunately.
NOXIGAR: Ah, I see. I hope the others don't starve, what with Oiracul's insatiable appetite and Remolay's... has he even eaten anything since he moved in?
{Cut to Oiracul in the Wikihood Manor. She proceeds to dial the number for a pizza. She proceeds to write down what she wants and how many using the writing board normally used for the chore wheel, which is torn into pieces. She waits for the phone call while deliberating.}
OIRACUL: Hi, I'd like to get at least five large pepperoni and pineapple pizzas, with one 20 piece chicken wings alongside.
PIZZERIA MESSENGER: Wow, that's a lot!
OIRACUL: Yeah, I just won the lottery recently so I'm getting some food to celebrate. I think two of the pizzas will be for a chum who will join me shortly in avid celebration.
PIZZERIA MESSENGER: Well, your total's probably not going to dent your prize money by much. Where do you live, exactly?
OIRACUL: We live in...
{Pause}
OIRACUL: Good question, actually. Where exactly do we live?
PIZZERIA MESSENGER: Excuse me?
OIRACUL: Wait a sec, I'm gonna put you on hold.
{Oiracul presses a button on the phone. Cut back to the crew in the van.}
CHAOS: -And that is why I propose that we see every Broadway musical possible! For scientific and historical reasons, my fellow-
{Chaos' phone rings. He takes it out his pocket and picks it up. The screen splits between Chaos and Oiracul, on each end of the line.}
CHAOS: Hello?
OIRACUL: Yeaaaah... Chaos, you don't happen to know our address, do you?
CHAOS: Our address? Of course we do, it's...
{Chaos covers the speaker on his phone as he looks at Lex and Noxigar.}
CHAOS: What's our address?
LEX: Our address? Oh, it's.. um...
NOXIGAR: Tell her to wait; I'll figure it out.
{Noxigar pulls out his phone and dials for Remolay. The screen splits into four now, with Noxigar and Remolay added to the line. Remolay is dressed in a chicken outfit.}
REMOLAY: Welcome to "Go Cluck Yourself Chicken". What will your order be?
NOXIGAR: Hey, do you know what our home address is?
REMOLAY: Oh, Nox. Of course I do! It's 1776 Barlow Avenue.
NOXIGAR: Thanks, Rem.
{Noxigar hangs up. The screen goes back to the two-way connection.}
NOXIGAR: Our address is 1776 Barlow Avenue.
CHAOS: Ah. Yeah, our address is 1776 Barlow Avenue.
OIRACUL: I see, I see. Thanks, Chaos.
{Cut back to Oiracul on the phone. She switches back to the pizzeria order.}
PIZZERIA MESSENGER: Well?
OIRACUL: It's 1776 Barlow Avenue.
PIZZERIA MESSENGER: I see. Our estimated time of arrival to 1776 Barlow Avenue will be about roughly thirty-seven minutes. Thank you for choosing Giuseppe's Romantic Pizza Cabin. If we aren't there within that time frame your order's completely free. I look forward to seeing you soon.
{The pizzeria messenger hangs up. Oiracul sighs with relief, and she checks. There is still more than enough money to cover the amount of pizza she purchased for herself and Remolay. A large explosion can be heard upstairs. Her room's windows are broken, as is a chunk of the wall. The sunlight makes it extremely bright, which causes Oiracul to squint.}
OIRACUL: Ugh, who would-
{A Byzantium Corporation logo is seen up in the sky, courtesy of a blimp blocking out the sun from Oiracul's line of vision.}
OIRACUL: You have to be bloody kidding me.
{Oiracul sighs as she makes a shield using a defensive aura. The defensive aura repairs most of the damage done to the wall and windows except for a noticeable hole which was deliberately left. She then takes out a bazooka and aims it at the Byzantium Corporation blimp. She fires on it, causing it to crash nearby. Cut to the delivery driver, whose car is overshadowed by the falling blimp as he gains a look of fear on his face.}
OIRACUL: I should see if there are any survivors and give them hell.
{Oiracul leaves her room, then barges into Noxigar's room. Going into his closet, she looks for an armament. Finding a large brown tomahawk, she is satisfied with her choice in weaponry.}
OIRACUL: I shall thank Noxigar not only for putting Giuseppe's Romantic Pizza Cabin on speed dial, but for also having these weapons around.
{Oiracul then leaves for the Wikihood Manor, heading towards where the Byzantium Corporation blimp crashed. She inadvertantly trips en-route on a large sealed box. She drags the box back to the house through her window and returns with valuable relics and items - including a chestplate2. She checks the time using a watch she brought with her; the pizza delivery people are not around and thirty-seven minutes are almost up. A few seconds later, though, and she finds her order is officially free. The delivery boy hurries to give her her pizza once he parks himself along the driveway, seemingly burnt and disoriented.}
DELIVERY BOY: {confused} I'm sorry for being late.
OIRACUL: No worries. There's probably a lot of traffic.
DELIVERY BOY: Yeah, traffic... your pizza's free.
{Oiracul checks her watch.}
OIRACUL: So I've noticed.
{Oiracul then pats the delivery boy on the back.}
OIRACUL: No need to be nervous. I'll just take this and go.
{Oiracul grabs the pizza and chicken wings, and then closes the Manor's front door. The delivery boy sighs, getting back to his vehicle of choice, which is now mostly a burnt husk with wheels. Camera pans over to him as he begins to drive it. After it's a significant distance away from the manor, the pizza vehicle comes across a roadblock with several large black vans blocking the road. As it tries to turn around to go down another route, it's cornered by several more vehicles, which begin to corner it in all directions. Cut back to the Wikihood Van, which is driving down the highway. New York City can be seen ahead in the distance.}
LEX: Oh man, we're almost there! I can't wait, this is going to be awesome!!
CHAOS: How long have we been driving, anyway?
LEX: Ah, about.. an hour or so? Not that long, at least.
CHAOS: I always though New York was quite the hassle to get to bef-
LEX: It's best not to think about geography, my friend.
NOXIGAR: So, what exactly are we going to do when we're there, anyway? I mean, I'm not sure about meeting this Sharoth guy, considering how we don't know anything about him.
CHAOS: Lex knows where he is, right?
LEX: Yeah, he gave me his address yesterday. I memorized it.
NOXIGAR: Alright. I guess Chaos and I will know when we get there.
LEX: Man, this is gonna be the greatest holiday ever!! Just us guys, chilling and relaxing in New York City!
CHAOS: So I assume this Sharoth guy has us down for lodging then?
LEX: Of course! Hell, he's the one who offered!
CHAOS: Nice. So, what kind of place does he live in, then?
LEX: Oh, I'm not particularly sure. He didn't tell me much. But I assume it can't be so bad, considering how he actually expected more than just three people. ...And two robots.
NOXIGAR: What kind of stuff will we be doing?
LEX: Oh, you know. City stuff.
NOXIGAR: City stuff?
LEX: You know... stuff people do in cities when they're visiting and stuff. Quite frankly, the only reason why I decided to go is because Sharoth told me that the POSEIDON night club is still open after all these years, and well.. I just wanted to check it out after all this time. You see, I used to be a huge party animal back in the disco era. Sharoth and I? We used to get into so much crazy shit with each other, it's almost unreal. I'd tell you some funny stories, but the copious amounts of illegal substances I took during the time were the point where I actually don't remember a thing.
CHAOS: But... your body doesn't even-
LEX: Placebo effect.
NOXIGAR: This trip will be fun.
LEX: You bet that it will! Ooh man, we're almost there, just ten minutes until we're in the city!
CHAOS: So, where does this guy live?
LEX: Oh, he lives in this apartment in the South Bronx. Been a long time since I've visited, so I've forgotten about it on the most part. It bet it's real nice though. Say, I wonder how Remolay is doing with his new job.
{Cut to Remolay, who is working at the cash register at the fast-food restaurant. The restaurant's business is booming today, as the entire place is filled with customers. A man walks in, dressed in a tracksuit in baggy pants.}
REMOLAY: Welcome to "Go Cluck Yourself", may I take your-
{Before Remolay is able to finish his sentence, the man in the tracksuit pulls out a Glock 17 pistol and aims it at his head. As Remolay puts his arms out, several other men burst into the restaurant, all dressed in similar outfits. They all pull out their guns and aim it at the customers inside the restaurant, forcing them all to keep their hands up in the air.}
GANGSTER BOSS: {In a thick eastern-european accent}3 EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP. THIS IS A GODDAMN ROBBERY! IF YOU MAGGOTS WANT TO LEAVE WITH YOUR LIVES, YOU'LL ALL DO EXACTLY AS WE SAY.
REMOLAY: Oh come on! Seriously? This is my first day at work, do we seriously have to do this?
{The gangster boss smacks Remolay in the face with the barrel of his gun, before aiming the end of it aggressively so that it's touching his forehead.}
GANGSTER BOSS: You listen here, funny boy. We are robbing the shit outta you, and it would be in your best interests if you were to keep your big ugly mouth shut, y'hear? Now, be a good little house-elf, and empty the cash register of all its cash. Nice chicken suit, by the way. It suits you.4
{Remolay gestures towards the till with his head, then nods towards the gangster boss, who nods back, allowing him to move his arms so that he can operate the cash register.}
REMOLAY: Oh, one thing I should probably tell you is that you'll need to order something before I can open the cash register.
GANGSTER BOSS: What?
REMOLAY: Well, you see. The cash register... it only opens after a purchase is made. It's a procedure used to prevent, well... what you're currently doing right now. But I think it's fairly obvious that it's a rather crap procedure, especially while having a gun pointed directly at my face.. like that.
GANGSTER BOSS: Ugh. Fine.
{He turns to the rest of his crew}
GANGSTER BOSS: Are any of you guys hungry?
GANGSTER #1: I wouldn't mind a chicken burger.
GANGSTER #3: Just some wings, please.
GANGSTER #2: I'm on a diet. I'll have a full combo bucket and a Diet Coke, if you wouldn't mind.
GANGSTER BOSS: Right.
{He turns back to Remolay, keeping his gun pointed at his face. He pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket and puts it on the counter}
GANGSTER BOSS: Okay, did you hear that? We'll have a chicken burger, some wings, and a full combo bucket. And a Diet Coke. And then when you're done making the order, I want you to empty the register. Is that clear?
REMOLAY: Clear as a whistle, sir.
{Remolay takes the cash and places the order, putting the money into the cash register as it opens. He gives the change to the man, and then completely empties the register of its contents, putting it all on the counter. The gangster pulls out a bag and scoops all the money off the counter into it.}
GANGSTER BOSS: Excellent, for a big mouth, you sure follow directions well.
REMOLAY: Well, I just started this job, and when it comes to the point where your life is actively threatened on the first day, you don't particularly harbor much loyalty for-..
{The gangster waves the gun in his face again.}
GANGSTER BOSS: That doesn't mean that I allow you to talk.
REMOLAY: Right. Sorry.
{The gangster turns to his fellow men, who are still holding up the customers.}
GANGSTER BOSS: Right. You guys, I want you all to get every single valuable belonging that you can from each of these people. Jewels, watches, wallets, hell, loose change. I want you to take everything, turn their pockets inside out. Even check inside their shoes, and take them if they look expensive enough. And do it quickly, so we can make a proper getaway before the feds come!
REMOLAY: Too late, buddy.
{Remolay points to outside the window, where several police cars are gathering outside, with their sirens going off. The gangster boss panicks, and dives over the counter, putting Remolay in a chokehold while pressing the gun firmly against the side of his head. As his comrades have taken all they can from the customers, they too, take their hostages. A police officer bursts through the door, pointing his gun at the Gangster Boss.}
GANGSTER BOSS: YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT, SIR. WE HAVE TAKEN HOSTAGES, AND WE DO NOT INTEND ON LEAVING QUIETLY.
POLICE OFFICER: Put the gun down now. We can settle this peacefully.
GANGSTER BOSS: You goddamn pigs never settle this shit peacefully! It doesn't matter though, for if I even see an arm twitch, I will blow this bastard's head off!
{The police officer talks into his mic clip.}
POLICE OFFICER: Officer O'Hara to Commissioner David. The perpetrator refuses to back down. Over.
GANGSTER BOSS: Man, what are you gonna do? Shoot me? Huh? That's what you pigs always do!
OFFICER O'HARA: Sir, here in Townindale, we condemn the use of unnecessary violence, so that is why we implore you to stand down, so that we do not have to take that route. But at the same time, if you do carry on like this, we really will have no other option but to open fire. Please think about what you are doing.
REMOLAY: {Struggling to talk, due to being choked} Y'know... you... should probably... listen to him...
GANGSTER BOSS: Shut up. Why do I need to listen to you?
REMOLAY: That's... not the first time.. that I've had that said to me...
GANGSTER BOSS: Ha. Welcome to my world. Now shut up, or I really will put a bullet through your head!
OFFICER O'HARA: Think about what you're doing, sir!
GANGSTER BOSS: Shut up! Just, shut up!
REMOLAY: Look... man... just... let it go. There really is to way out... let's... just... settle this peacefully...
GANGSTER BOSS: Why should I, huh? Why should I listen to some low-life like you?
REMOLAY: Because... no one else does. And I can tell no one listens... to you, either... how about we help each other... huh?
GANGSTER BOSS: You mean that? You really care?
REMOLAY: ...If you... were to loosen your grip around my neck... I'd be.. more inclined... to care.
{The gangster loosens his grip around Remolay's neck. Remolay immediately lets in a great breath of air, as he's able to breathe properly again.}
OFFICER O'HARA: That's good, nice and easy..
GANGSTER BOSS: Quiet, you! We're about to have a moment!
OFFICER O'HARA: ...Sorry, sir.
REMOLAY: So, man. How did it come to be like this?
GANGSTER BOSS: You see... it started off in a Serbian circus...
{Cut back to the Wikihood Manor. Oiracul is quietly eating her pizza while watching the TV in the dark. What seems to be a cheesy soap opera is playing. Suddenly, the TV flashes to a breaking news scene.}
OIRACUL: What's going on now?
TV: THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE TOWNINDALE POLICE DEPARTMENT. THERE IS CURRENTLY A HOSTAGE SITUATION TAKING PLACE IN A LOCAL FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT.
OIRACUL: Oh, my! That's unfortunate.
{Pan over to the TV screen, which is now showing live coverage of the event. Outside the restaurant, a crowd of people have gathered. Remolay and the gangster boss can be seen in the distance, through the window of the restaurant. Several other police officers have surrounded the building. A female news reporter is front of the scene, providing the coverage through her mic.}
REPORTER: Greetings, this is live news reporter Sarah Khoroushi, providing coverage of this tense situation. Inside the building seems to be four armed men, who have taken the entire restaurant hostage. What exactly is going on inside the building is unclear, but from the looks of it, it doesn't seem to be a very pleasant situation.
{Cut to Oiracul.}
OIRACUL: Wait a second.
{Pause}
OIRACUL: That's Remolay! Oh crap!
{Cut back to the TV screen.}
{The reporter walks over to the crowd of police officers, and the camera follows her. Walking over to the leader of the police officers specifically, she puts the microphone to his face.}
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Here with us at the current scene happens to be the Commissioner of Police, Keith David. Mr. David, what do you think of the situation?
COMMISSIONER DAVID: Well, as you can see, it's a pretty tense situation. Naturally, we're all concerned about it, as we vow to keep Townindale a pleasant place to live. But don't worry, we have sent one of our officers in, and we are currently working on the situation.
{The reporter takes the microphone back.}
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Thank you, commissioner. There you have it folks. As the situation develops, we make extra sure to bring the best in live coverage of the situation. Over and out.
{Cut back to Oiracul.}
OIRACUL: Ugh, this is bad. I have to go over there and help him!
{Oiracul puts the pizza down on the floor and runs out of the building. Cut back to Remolay, who is now consoling the gangster boss as he's sitting on the counter and crying. His comrades are now sitting at the tables that they are robbing, listening to the conversation and taking it in stride quite emotionally. One of them is wiping off tears.}
REMOLAY: Oh dude, I can totally relate to that. That's why I've vowed never to play matchmaker with people I don't actually know for the rest of my life. Especially when it's with an evil sorceress and a little person.
GANGSTER BOSS: Yeah.. that does sound pretty weird. Awkward, too! I mean those mushrooms? I would not be caught dead like that.
REMOLAY: Yeah. Man, I know. You and I, we really aren't so different. Just... misfits with all these stories to tell. What, with me and my expedition to Antarctica and all that other stuff, and you, with the former Serbian Circus Career, the whole situation with the Bosnian Prime Minister, and even the incident with the vacuum cleaner. Hah. Weird situations. That's why I'm here, dressed in a cheaply made chicken suit while getting robbed. But you know, despite all that, it really doesn't have to end here.
GANGSTER BOSS: My family lives back home, in a poor lifestyle. They gathered just enough money to send me to America. I tell them I've become rich, and I'm living in this awesome mansion with a supermodel wife and a lot of expensive cars. But nope, I've just become a pathetic criminal. While you've really done a lot by talking to me, what makes you think that I'll be able to get anywhere in life?
REMOLAY: Hey man! Where I'm from, Serbian Circus Freaks are treated like celebrities! It's really just a matter of finding your true calling, and grasping every good opportunity you can find while doing so. I mean, look at me. Sure, I'm not doing so good on the financial end, but since being here, I've met some pretty cool guys. I mean, they don't really listen to me because they're so busy all the time, but you know, I appreciate them the same. And if I can do all that, I'm sure you can too.
GANGSTER BOSS: You know... you're right. You really do have a lot to say. But I now know that none of it is pointless. You are a great man, Remolay. This whole petty life of crime? I'm going to make something of myself. I am going to be a star.
REMOLAY: That's the spirit!
OFFICER O'HARA: Yeah, you're still going to jail though.
GANGSTER BOSS: After I'm released, I mean. I'll have a long time to think about what you have said to me today, Remolay. Five-to-ten years, in fact. And when I'm out, I will be a new man. I will take every opportunity, and I will cherish it! You know? I think I might even call my cousin up, the one I haven't spoken to in years! It'll be me who'll be asking him to go bowling5 this time!
{The gangster boss puts his gun down and puts his hands up. His comrades follow suit, also motivated by the conversation. As Officer O'Hara puts the cuffs on each of them and leads them outside into the police van. Just before he's escorted outside, the boss shouts out to Remolay. Oiracul runs into the restaurant, armed to the teeth. She throws a tomahawk as she enters in, and it splits Remolay's chicken hat down the middle.}
GANGSTER BOSS: SO LONG, REMOLAY. I WISH YOU THE BEST!
OIRACUL: Remolay!!
REMOLAY: ..Oh hey, Oiracul! How's it been?
OIRACUL: How's it been? I've been worried sick! I saw you getting robbed on the news, and I came to help as soon as possible, and-...
{Pause}
OIRACUL: Why are you wearing a chicken suit?
REMOLAY: Oh, it's.. um.. part of the job.
{Remolay promptly takes the chicken suit off, revealing his ordinary clothing.}
REMOLAY: The job that I totally quit.
{Remolay and Oiracul walk out of the restaurant, along with the rest of the hostages and are immediately confronted by Commissioner David, Officer O'Hara, and the news crew. O'Hara walks up to Remolay and puts his arm around him in a congratulatory manner.}
OFFICER O'HARA: This is the guy who saved everyone's lives today.
REMOLAY: Oh, I um.. wouldn't say that I saved-
{Before he's able to finish, Commissioner David grabs his hand and shakes it sternly, before giving him a massive back pat.}
COMMISSIONER DAVID: Man, what you did was amazing. How you were able to talk the criminal down and get him to give himself up? Not many people are able to do what you have just done today. And as the Commissioner of Police, I thank you personally.
REMOLAY: I.. I...
{The commissioner turns Remolay around so that he's facing the camera, and he speaks directly to the reporter.}
COMMISSIONER DAVID: You see this man here? This guy is a hero of a high degree. He and his words saved everyone today, and I think we all owe him a great amount of thanks.
{The crowd cheers as Remolay is escorted away to be congratulated in private. Remolay keeps humbly protesting, but his pleas are drowned out by the enthusiastic crowd. Oiracul laughs as she proceeds to follow them. Cut to the Wikihood manor, a few hours later. Remolay and Oiracul are sitting on the couch, watching TV together at night. Remolay is dressed in a splendid new outfit, along with a "Good Citizen" badge that was awarded to him by the police.}
REMOLAY: You know, Oiracul... despite having the better part of the day having a gun waved around in my face, and fearing for my life... I have to say, I don't regret this day at all.
OIRACUL: Heh, that's good. You did a great thing today, friend!
{Oiracul playfully punches Remolay in the arm, who laughs, and then rubs the area that was punched in pain.}
REMOLAY: I wonder how the others are doing in New York.
{Cut to the streets of New York. Chaos and Noxigar are wandering around. Noxigar is looking at a map, thought it looks far too weathered to be of New York.}
NOXIGAR: Well, I'm not seeing any of these supposed landmarks on my map...
{Chaos peers over Noxigar's shoulder.}
CHAOS: This is a map of Middle Earth.
NOXIGAR: Oh, that explains it!
{Noxigar ditches the map in a sewer grate.}
NOXIGAR: Come to think of it, we probably should have been worried when Lex ran off yesterday and didn't show up last night. Are you so sure we're going to be able to find him in this city?
CHAOS: Well, think about it; He came here basically for nothing but clubbing and reminiscing with his old wash-up friend, right?
NOXIGAR: So reasoning suggests we check all of the clubs.
CHAOS: Ah, but my dear friend, Lex rolls with our crew. If he were ever a status symbol, he's long past that phase, which means that there's only one place we need to go to find him.
{Cut to a back alley by a flashy looking club. Lex is ejected from the club and looks visibly tired.}
LEX: Your club sucked anyways!
{Lex is then overshadowed by several immense figures.}
?????: Going somewhere?
LEX: Uh, I was just about to hop on a bus out of here, why?
BIKER: Well, we've managed to follow you all the way from Bluehaven, you rat bastard, and the boss wanted us to make a display outta you.
{Cut to reveal a gang of bikers, bearing the logo "GLABAL MC" on various shirts, patches, helmets, and other paraphernalia. Noxigar and Chaos show up behind them.}
CHAOS: Lex, hold on buddy!
NOXIGAR: Here, lemme just try to dismantle and weaponize their machinery!
{Noxigar pulls a few tools out of his backpack and sits down to try and dismantle a motorcycle. The gang has drawn weaponry and is ready to beat down Lex.}
LEX: I don't have anything! We're just a bunch of poor guys who're visiting an old has-been pothead friend of mine! If you don't believe me, we can all head back to his apartment! It smells like urine and cheap party drugs, and there's Italians screaming on all sides of you!
{The gang ignores him and begins to beat him up. His screams of agony can be heard offscreen as Noxigar has assembled a familiar sort of weapon out of the parts.}
NOXIGAR: Taste my totally out-of-place steel, you ingrates!
{Noxigar tosses the chakram, which manages to sever a few of the weapons, but, as luck would have it, lands in Lex's arm, as he howls in pain.}
CHAOS: Well shit.
NOXIGAR: Quick, let us make our escape!
{Noxigar hops on a bike and tries to ride it away, but realizes that they take keys to start.}
NOXIGAR: Well, you win some you lose some.
{The gang approaches Noxigar, but at the last second they pick him up and cheer him on.}
BIKERS: That was sensational! You've got guts, kid. Davros wants more gutsy people in his crew!
NOXIGAR: Come again?
BIKER: Please, let's buy you a big honking 'rillo and a cup of coffee!
NOXIGAR: Sorry, I don't smoke.
CHAOS: I'll take it, then!
{They all cheer, except Lex, reduced to coughing up blood.}
LEX: What the hell, guys!? I'm dying over here! You gotta get me to a hospital!
{Everyone looks at Lex. Noxigar just shrugs and the Glabal take him offscreen, singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".}
END
1. If it were up to me, 80% of the music on this show would just be classic rock from the 70s/80s.
2. Embodiment of the Black Duke. The chestplate I had planned Noxigar to get at some point.
3. Doing this to signify his accent. I could have just written his text "like zis", but I couldn't be bothered.
4. Reminder that Remolay is being robbed while wearing a chicken suit as part of his job. What is dignity?
5. The Serbian gangsters were all a big GTA IV reference, right down to the bowling.
