(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P7
Summary
Debonair D'Arque helps raise the money the Wikihood Crew need for their house. Suffice it to say, humour and evil are abound. Mostly humour.
Transcript
{Open: A world within a dream, beyond time and space. Almost like an empty void. Noxigar is floating in the middle of the void in a meditative position. The Narrator, an omnipotent being invisible to the naked eye, has manifested itself as part of the dream world, which changes accordingly as it speaks. The void starts off as the color blue, but quickly changes to a purplish hue as the Narrator begins to speak frustratingly. }
NARRATOR: What the hell are you doing? I'm supposed to herald what has occurred in the past week, not you!
{Noxigar calmly opens his eyes and looks around at his surroundings. He smirks.}
NOXIGAR: I had a dream which may or may not be relevant to what we're doing, or what we will come to do in the future. This is the seventh day where I've done nothing but nap. Droll advised us to wait a week, so I decided to spend that time expanding my mental horizons.
NARRATOR: I would expect better from you lot than to follow anything that foul creature told you to do.
NOXIGAR: It may be against our best judgement, but it's not like we have a choice in the matter. We owe Mr. Rosenberg a great debt, for reasons that are even beyond me. Although, I believe I could gather why. The man did help us without any apparent benefit to himself, after all. One can't be too trusting though, as it's obvious that he has some sort of ulterior motive. Despite our decision to reject his advances, I honestly don't believe that will be the last we'll be seeing of him. I sense that the man is just as devious as the one we consider our enemy.
{The void turns white as the Dream World begins to reconstruct itself into a physical form. From the void come several blocks of varying shapes and sizes. As the blocks construct themselves around Noxigar, it begins to create a scene of Midway City. Noxigar observes his new surroundings to find that he is suddenly sitting at a table outside a cafe. Noxigar looks across the street at the crowd of people, rushing about in their daily lives. Emerging from the crowd happens to be the blue-haired girl from earlier, who crosses the street to join Noxigar at his table. Noxigar looks at her and smiles.}
?????: We meet again, it seems.
NOXIGAR: Indeed. For some reason, I expected you to be here.
?????: I'm not surprised. This world tends to build itself around the expectations of the individuals who occupy it at any given time. As it just happens, you and I were meant to have this encounter.
NOXIGAR: Can't say I'm not thrilled by our paths crossing again. Funny thing though, I still haven't gotten your name.
??????: Oh, I do apologize. I must have gotten ahead of myself when we first met. It is not like me to skip an introduction.
NOXIGAR: Aha. Well then, you're forgiven.
??????: Thank you very much. Anyway, to answer your question, you may refer to me as Oceanna. To many others, however, I am known as the Sea Hitman.
NOXIGAR: Sea Hitman, huh? Heh, color me curious. Mind if I ask you why? Shouldn't it be like... Sea Hitwoman?
{Oceanna laughs.}
OCEANNA: Well, for one, the occupation of hitman is one of gender neutrality, regardless of what it's actually called. Secondly, because I arrive in your dreams to aid you.
NOXIGAR: Oh yes, I seem to have gathered that by now. I must say though, I still haven't found any use for the "Mine" tech you got me earlier. It seems awfully... extreme for my usage.
OCEANNA: Do not worry, it will be momentary for you, soon. You will need to use these explosives as an attack in order to deal a mighty blow to a mighty foe!
NOXIGAR: Right. Forgive me however, but I'm still confused as to why you're even helping me. Why would a hitman of any kind want to help me, anyway? Surely you would be too busy... hunting targets?
OCEANNA: You would be surprised, actually. Oh no, I use my downtime to help you, for you shall be an important part of a great plan that will involve the death of a great enemy to many. You shall be doing many a great service by doing this.
NOIXGAR: I see. But why do you need me to do this? Why can't you do this yourself?
OCEANNA: Because, although we have a great amount of power in our circle, our reach only extends so far. My boss has difficulty dealing with these people, and in order to fulfill these assignments, we must turn to others to aid us where we are unable to be aided.
NOXIGAR: Fair enough.
OCEANNA: I am afraid, however, that our time together has reached an end. Do not feel too worried, however. For I and my associates will be keeping a close eye on you, and we plan on contacting you again very soon. Until then however, you should carry on with your life as you always do. When the time comes, you will know.
NOXIGAR: Thank you for your help, dear Oceanna. If you are what you say you are, and you really do intend on helping me, I am eternally grateful, and-...
{Before Noxigar is able to finish his sentence, he hears his alarm clock ringing, which takes Noxigar out of his dream, and straight back into reality. The camera zooms out to reveal the Wikihood Manor is now refurnished, with even more improvements than before. In fact, the Manor now even has an additional floor. Zoom back into Noxigar's bedroom. Noxigar quickly sits up in his bed as the Narrator's presence returns.}
NARRATOR: That'll teach you to mess with my role as authority on storytelling, you ignorant retch!
{The Narrator laughs, as Chaos opens the door to Noxigar's room, holding a broom.}
CHAOS: Goddamn it, Noxi. Has that damn Narrator been doing stuff again? I thought I told him to get out!
NARRATOR: You will never get rid of me, Mr. Malifact.
CHAOS: Like hell, I won't!
{As Chaos tries to discipline the Narrator by wildly swinging his broom in the air, the perspective of the scene changes to that of a security camera. Pan out to the basement of the D'Arque Theatre, where Droll is observing the scene through a monitor. D'Arque comes up from behind him.}
DEBONAIR: Droll! I thought I called on you to organize today's event! Just what are you up to, anyway?
DROLL: Oh, my apologies, sir. I'll get right to that. I was just observing them through the hidden cameras. I've managed to record over a week worth of footage of those degenerates. Just look at them, living in complete squalor, absolutely helpless and destitute. We could use this footage to encourage people to raise money for the cause. After everyone sees how pathetic this lot is, they really would have no choice but to throw some cash in the bucket.
DEBONAIR: Unfortunately, my friend, I do believe that the hilarious display we're going to make of those obnoxious bachelors will suffice, and this would be less icing on the cake, more Chicken patty buns on the Double-Down sandwich1.
DROLL: ...I'm not so sure that comparison was entirely necessary.
DEBONAIR: Oh, and I thought you were the one named Droll here!
{Zoom in on Droll's face, exaggerating his facial details a-la Flapjack. He doesn't look amused. D'Arque looks creeped out.}
DEBONAIR: {Trying to shake it off} Anyways, as much as I love having a 24/7 Candid Camera live feed of their pathetic 9-to-5 massacres of personal lives, it's going to do no good to advertise dated merchandise during the event. Besides, if we drop hints, the sidelined housemates might pick up on it and bring the whole plan crashing down! I'm pretty sure one of them was kind of smart.
DROLL: Alright, alright, I understand, master D'Arque. {bows head respectfully} So, this is the reason we've allowed direct interference between teams?
DEBONAIR: Precisely! It's not a show without three dimensions to it. You have the dramatic race to feed people's desire for adrenaline rush, the inter-team conflict to show that there's layers of understandable emotion behind every team, and then you'll have all of our wonderful performances to attract the blissfully and profoundly dumb masses to stay tuned for the other two aspects! It's a trifecta of unmatched artistic interpretation!
{D'Arque begins cackling maniacally.}
DROLL: Hard to believe you're an evil villain, when you mostly act like a megalomaniacal art school dropout.
DEBONAIR: Fie, my Camo-Coloured Cajun, this is what will allow us to cover our tracks. They'll be none the wiser to the telethon if we make it as spectacular as possible. I want to keep ourselves professional and high profile. We're running A-Rank entertainment, not some poorly hacked together schlock!2
DROLL: Any normal villain would just end them here and now. But no, you just have to go for the dramatics. I mean, it's not like that approach has been part of any other villain's downfall, after all.
DEBONAIR: Oh please. That's just a cliche they employ in all the fancy motion pictures! You cannot judge real life from what they do in those sort of films. I mean, it's not like we're facing off against a team of highly skilled secret agents, either!
DROLL: They seem to have foiled us in the past, though.
DEBONAIR: Yes, but only through highly coincidental luck induced by their enormous buffoonery! Oh no, I plan on tiring them out gradually. After all, this triathlon, it will take a lot of energy out of them. They'll be so tired by the end of it that they won't be able to fight!
DROLL: Fight?
DEBONAIR: Of course! You see, during the time it will take for them all to complete this massive course, we'll have organized our forces perfectly, all ready to go and destroy them! Once they're out of the way, we'll pocket the cash for ourselves, and we'll use those funds for our grandest scheme!
DROLL: Oh, so it's finally out of the planning stages then. Finally, if I may say so myself.
{Cut back to the Wikihood manor. Noxigar, Chaos, and Lex are all downstairs having breakfast.}
NOXIGAR: Today's the day.
LEX: Oh sweet dog-shagging-
NOXIGAR: Look, Debby's up to something and it's up to us to either derail his schemes or consult Rosenberg. We at least owe him an apology or something.
CHAOS: Us owe him an apology? Are you high?
NOXIGAR: I wish.
CHAOS: Eh, I can't blame you for wishing you were high sometimes.
NOXIGAR: The next time the neighbors blare "Sushi Box" by Anamanaguchi I won't be jolly due to rooting for antagonists. I'll probably wonder why my Lindworm didn't go for the neighbor's daughter's jugular when she-
LEX: As much as I love the good ol' fashioned exposition, I'd rather not remember all those details about your Lindworms.
NOXIGAR: Oh.
CHAOS: While we're changing the subject immediately, I have been hatching a plan of my own.
NOXIGAR: Does it involve wanting to bang Rosenberg's secretary up against a brick wall?
CHAOS: {embarrased} Maybe.
LEX: Well I jolly right ought to encourage whatever makes you happy.
CHAOS: Wait I thought you were going to hit on me!
LEX: I don't exactly catch your drift. I'd never hit a good chap like you in the- WHO THE DEVILSCREWING DICKENS WROTE THIS SCRIPT?! {Lex takes out a script from underneath the table as well as a katana, and proceeds to slice the script in a clean half}
CHAOS: {whispers} We're being watched by that artsy dweeb and his sidekick, I had to write something for us!
NOXIGAR: {whispers} I like to whisper, too.
LEX: {whispers} Okay, it's awesome you're outwitting Debonair, but we could end up killed in this Mad Dash. I don't think any of us have adequately prepared for it.
{Noxigar points to where his heart should be; an electromagnetic core is in its stead.}
LEX: {whispers} Oh ha ha, very funny. Not everybody can afford to go to a special academy and make mechanical prosthetics.
CHAOS: {whispers} Look, even if we may be screwed at least we're in this knowing what we're up against. Isn't that something?
LEX: {whispers} Knowing is only half the battle, chumpstick. This whole week has just made me so angry.
{Lex leaves angrily, possessing a bowling ball in his hand.}
CHAOS: Oh, you have to be kidding me.
{Cut to the garage. In the background, Oiracul is attempting to repair Fritz and Lang. Pan to a basketball hoop positioned on the other side of where Oiracul, Fritz, and Lang are. A few seconds later, Lex shows up and slam dunks the basketball hoop using a bowling ball. Chaos strolls in and lights his pipe.}
CHAOS: Pray tell how this is in any way productive?
LEX: Well, this sport keeps me in top physical form! This is the kind of intense training we'll need to use if we want to win the race.
CHAOS: ...But we don't need to win the race, the donations are going to us!
LEX: Haven't you heard of a good sportsmanship? {Lex pockets another bowling ball through the hoop.}
CHAOS: We're the guests of honor at an event hosted by an evil undead actor and his Swamp People-bred goblin. If I ever expected them to be a show of good sportsmanship, I would have devised a different plan.
LEX: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm working out anyway, you know, to keep this perfect bod of mine?
CHAOS: Lex, that's not even your real body. You're not even human, why do you need to train?
LEX: ...Huh. Never thought of it that way.
CHAOS: I mean, like... what exactly do your people do in terms of physical stuff, anyway?
LEX: We sort of... float around and... stuff. Just, you know... floating. It's really quite uninteresting, okay. Not worth me telling you about.
CHAOS: Riiiight.
LEX: Still seems a bit unfair that you've done nothing this past week though. I mean, what with my physical training, and Noxigar's whole submarine thing. I mean, like... even if we do get the money, don't you wanna put on a show? Entertain the masses? Bring glory to the empire?
CHAOS: To be quite honest, I couldn't give a single toss about theatrics. All I really want is the money so we can fix this damn mess we're in and just continue on with our average lives. In which we live in an expensive mansion with a mad scientist, an elf, two robots, a werewolf, and a basement fiend. Just ordinary, average lives.
LEX: Makes you wonder why we even live in the same town as an overly vindictive super villain, actually.
CHAOS: Rent's a lot cheaper here than in Phoenixshire and Midway, that's why.
LEX: What about Bluehaven? Rent's cheap as hell over there.
CHAOS: Yeah, if you're willing to take the chance of being shot into pieces by thugs every time you even cross the street, sure.
LEX: That's kind of a bigoted thing to say, actually. I landed in Bluehaven and was adopted by a peaceful elderly couple.
CHAOS: You lived in a retirement home with senile crows until you were placed in an orphanage, then the orphanage burned down due to a gang war.
{Noxigar comes in.}
NOXIGAR: Phew, I thought I'd be conked out thanks to bowling balls again.
CHAOS: Wait, you weren't here to listen about Bluehaven and how it's infested with gangs?
{Noxigar acquires a confused look on his face.}
NOXIGAR: I'm not quite aware there was a Bluehaven, actually3.
LEX: I shall tell you more about how amazing it is later.
NOXIGAR: Alright. I came here to tell you that the Sea Hitman's Yellow Submarine is finished. Not sure I like the name, but I figured paying homage to a blue-haired girl and her assassin boss was the best idea ever.
{Noxigar walks offscreen, still confused.}
CHAOS: Either way, I promise I won't disappoint anybody with my performance.
LEX: You already have, bud. You already have.
{Chaos catches Lex's bowling ball before it drops to the ground.}
CHAOS: Just go get ready for the race already.
LEX: Alright, alright.
{Lex promptly retrieves his bowling ball and spins it on his finger while whistling the Globetrotters theme.}
CHAOS: Hey Oiracul, how goes the handiwork?
OIRACUL: Well, it appears that Rosenberg was able to forcibly override their code by establishing a long-range connection and then uploading what would essentially be a computer virus to the two of them. Though given that these guys look like they're from the dark ages I question how they're compatible with wireless technology.
FRITZ: I IMAGINE THAT-
LANG: HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO IMAGINE? I'VE SOUGHT SUCH POWERFUL SOFTWARE SINCE I WAS ACTIVATED, AND YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING IT FROM ME THIS WHOLE TIME?
FRITZ: IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH, BROTHER.
LANG: AND NOW YOU'RE HIDING THESE "FIGURES" FROM ME, TOO? I MIGHT CRY, IF I HAD THE PROPER SOFTWARE FOR IT.
OIRACUL: ...Or perhaps they've been malfunctioning all of their lives and after thirty years they finally functioned properly. Rosenberg has questionable expertise in the field of robotics as-is.
CHAOS: Perhaps he's getting outside help with this technology. I wouldn't be surprised, considering he's got that nachtigall working for him, guy's probably got dough to throw around, ESPECIALLY if he charges those kinds of absurd numbers that he did to us to his citizens.
OIRACUL: It might be worth looking into, if he has an outside connection that's able to hook him up with all this sweet technology. Perhaps they can be swayed to switch sides, or at least misplace a few of his orders...
CHAOS: Now that is some clever thinking.
OIRACUL: Speaking of, what's your brilliant plan that you're so proud of?
CHAOS: Keep a secret?
{Oiracul nods. Chaos sighs and sits down.}
CHAOS: It's nothing. I have nothing prepared. I've just been staging our way through their dumb surveillance cameras and sitting on my ass trying to find a good way to outdo D'Arque in a truly sitcomically heroic fashion, but I keep drawing blanks. I'm hardly even prepared to handle the last leg of the race.
OIRACUL: You know, I can appreciate the honesty, but the pathos you're pulling seems highly unnecessary.
CHAOS: I know, I'm just whining for the sake of whining. It'll probably be fine, I don't give those guys as much credit as I should for what they can - and often - do. My only concern is in whatever D'Arque and Droll are going to pull while we're running.
OIRACUL: Well, the fact that you're a fairly impressionable asshole isn't exactly forbidden knowledge.
CHAOS: Yeah, I never doubted that. But I wouldn't put up with their borderline schizophrenic antics if I didn't at least care about them.
{Lex's bowling ball flies over from offscreen with a massive velocity. Chaos and Oiracul dodge as the ball hits the wall, impacting it so hard that it leaves a giant indent.}
LEX: {Offscreen} SORRY!!!!
CHAOS: Goddamn it Lex!!
OIRACUL: I see what you mean about their borderline schizophrenic antics.
{Oiracul closes the panels on Fritz and Lang.}
OIRACUL: You know, it dawns on me.
CHAOS: Come again?
OIRACUL: D'Arque is a threatening power, potentially a contender in global affairs. But as far as we know, Droll dug him up from his backyard and gave him his second wind.
CHAOS: Yeah, hard to ignore the fact that he's mostly a mass of rotten flesh. What's your point?
OIRACUL: Figure the guy was dead for a handful of years, presumably a few decades. The remainder of his family and his descendants earn millions of dollars through their other capital ventures, and when D'Arque is retroactively made into the last one alive through the necromancy, he's sitting on a fat stack of cash and pays out Droll to make an army of undead to harass us and take over the world.
CHAOS: I fail to see where you're going with this.
OIRACUL: What did D'Aqrue do short of lying in the ground waiting for his family to find somebody to revive him? Nothing. He laid there in his fancy shoebox for a few years, doing nothing.
CHAOS: {Chaos' eyes widen} Oiracul, I think you've given me an idea.
{Oiracul rolls her eyes, but then smiles knowing that Chaos finally understands.}
CHAOS: Say, what time is it?
OIRACUL 2:30, why?
CHAOS: Ah, right. Only a few more hours to go then. From what I'm aware of, the Mad Dash will be beginning at 5. Or possibly 6, if you want to count all the inevitable speeches and entertainment that old bag of bones will want to pull. Care to join me upstairs?
OIRACUL: I'll be a while longer trying to fix these two up.
CHAOS: Suit yourself, then.
{Chaos returns to upstairs. Noxigar is dressed in clothes fit to finish assembling his submarine in, and Lex is already outfitted in his jogging outfit. Chaos decides to go upstairs and check his closet for an appropriate outfit, but instead finds only several copies of his exact outfit, as well as a smoking jacket with his initials on them.}
CHAOS: {annoyed} I forgot I was exceptionally typecast.
{Cut back to downstairs. Remolay has just walked in from the kitchen, dressed akin to a typical carnie.}
REMOLAY: Man, I can't wait to get in on this sideline entertainment!
LEX: How did you get a job working the concession stands anyways?
REMOLAY: That black market guy we talked to got me a connection. I guess it does pay to be able to push product.
LEX: I thought you were fairly incompetent. Or at least, you were supposed to be. That was the initial hook you pitched to us to let you stay here, after all.
REMOLAY: I think it might be hereditary, Drow are notorious for being sly and manipulative, especially when it comes to economic affairs.
LEX: So you are an elf!
REMOLAY: I mean, the onyx skin and long ears weren't enough nails in the coffin, but yes. I'm not one of Santa's holly jolly toy making zombies.
LEX: Though you may as well be, at least they get paid consistently and get benefits.
REMOLAY: Don't remind me.
LEX: It makes me wonder why a quaint suburban town would even have a black market, to be honest.
REMOLAY: Yeah, I actually asked the Russian guy the exact same question. Turns out that the whole town government is completely aware of it. It's just that their operations aren't actually illegal at all.
LEX: Then why have a black market in the first place?
REMOLAY: The rent's apparently much cheaper underground.
LEX: Huh, go figure.
{Cut to Rosenberg's headquarters. Stephanie is sitting at a desk, arranging paperwork and inputting data into the computer system while talking to Rosenberg through her microphone.}
ROSENBERG: I want an update on the status of the robots. How are they operating?
STEPHANIE: At full capacity, sir. The program you sent to my computer? I managed to upload it onto their shared database remotely and securely. In a manner of seconds, in fact.
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Excellent. It's about time the two droids operate at full potential. Wouldn't want them to disappoint their new friends now, would we?
{Stephanie smirks.}
STEPHANIE: Of course not, sir. Say, forgive my questioning, but you never did say how you were able to obtain such resources for the robotics. They're older than the personal computer, yet the technology is so advanced... even for today's standards. How is that even possible?
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Heh. Tell me, are you impressed by it?
STEPHANIE: Impressed? It's amazing. I just don't see how it's even possible. I mean, the automatronics, not to mention the advanced artificial intelligence, how were you able to get all this, in the 1970s of all times?
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Well, while the designs and blueprints are all my own personal work, as a result of my own genius, I will admit to having some help on the side.
STEPHANIE: What kind of help?
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Very special help, from very powerful friends. Much more powerful than I, in fact. I wish I could tell you more about these friends, but oddly enough, my own information on them is actually quite limited as well. Not that it matters, anyhow. I'm not interested in names and faces. All I know is that these people recognized my special talent, and they knew of my passion for innovation and computer science. They graciously supplied me with all the technology I needed at the time, with absolutely no cost whatsoever. I admit, I was actually quite blown away by their generosity. The only thing they wanted in return were a few favors having to do with my brilliant mind for design. They gave me the means to make my dream come true, and I helped them in return, using my brilliant mind and their amazing technology to bring to reality their plans. It was a win-win deal, one that I am still profiting from today.
STEPHANIE: Right. And what kind of things did they want you to make for them?
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} ...Various things. Some quite simple in design, while others? They looked like they came out of some kind of science fiction motion picture. Things that I, as a young man, would marvel at seeing on the big silver screen, never expecting it to become reality, let alone me being the one to do so. A lot of the designs happened to be prototypes for various machines that are still a rather far-fetched concept, even for today.
STEPHANIE: Such as?
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Top secret, I'm afraid. While you know, I'm not the type who likes to keep secrets, I must do so in this case to keep their best interests in hand. I would not want to spite my strongest allies, after all.
STEPHANIE: It sounds so shady though, I don't like it.
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} It may just be so, my dear intern. But business is business, I'm afraid. And people do many things in pursuit of business. But enough of that stuff, it's all irrelevant to us. All that matters is that the two bots remain in perfect condition, just so our little friends in Townindale know at least that we're never far behind them, ha ha.
STEPHANIE: Indeed. You're probably aware already, but Mr. D'Arque is hosting his own little gala in honor of them. The "Mad Dash", he calls it.
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Oh, I am well aware. I have absolutely no doubt either that it's another one of his boneheaded schemes. It's even being televised too, which will be some pleasant amount of entertainment at the very least. If there is one thing I can give the bastard, it's his dedication to theatrics. Much like when he hired Alice Cooper to perform at his theatre back in the 70s. Entire theatre sold out for a week. I sent him a card to congratulate him, and he sent it back, telling me to "Go Fornicate Myself". He was still bitter about the fact that I took his broadway glory away by hosting the Rat Pack at my own personal compound. Or the time where I managed to get him blacklisted by McCarthy. Or the time where I rigged his nephew's-...
STEPHANIE: Sir, you're rambling again.
ROSENBERG: {Offscreen} Oh, right. Sorry. But yes, as I said, this Mad Dash of his, I'm sure it will be quality entertainment at the very least. Although I have no doubt that he will pull something, I'm sure our little gang in Townindale will be able to outsmart him. Or at the very least, have enough dumb luck to dodge what's coming. Either way is fine.
STEPHANIE: Indeed, sir.
{Cut back. Noxigar has prepped his submarine and finished the job.}
NOXIGAR: Now to just gingerly put the Mine tech Oceanna gave me, and we shall all have cake, ice cream, and cookies when this is over.
{Noxigar then proceeds to read a book while waiting for Chaos and Lex to be prepared for their portions of the Mad Dash. Lex runs in and flips over a nearby table, doing a perfect landing right next to Noxigar.}
LEX: I'm ready as I ever could be! HYYYYYYYYYYY-YAH!!
{Lex does a karate kick, knocking a vase off the table and causing it to smash on the ground.}
LEX: Oops.
{Chaos walks in on the smashed vase, sporting a lightweight outfit with brighter colors - browns and bieges over black. He also has a pair of googles on.}
CHAOS: I hope this novelty is aerodynamic enough.
LEX: Chaos!?! You ditched the boring black hipster drab! You look like a natural born aviator.
CHAOS: Thanks, I think.
NOXIGAR: My instincts tell me that there's probably an ulterior motive for trying to escape the typical dark dress we usually find you in, but I imagine you would have told us what it was is if it were that big of a deal.
CHAOS: I actually borrowed this outfit from Remolay, curiously enough. Unsurprisingly, black isn't his color.
LEX: Makes sense, if he wore all black he'd just blend into the background.
REMOLAY: {walking down the stairs} I can actually do that fairly well without dressing up, thank you very much.
LEX: Whatever, more money in my paycheck from week to week.
REMOLAY: Beg pardon?
LEX: Nothing, nothing.
REMOLAY: Oh, I remember why I came downstairs! I wanted to wish you guys good luck at the Mad Dash! Not like you'd need luck, per se, but I'd rather see you guys alive. I would miss the fun you bring to the table if you died.
CHAOS: As much as I appreciate your compliments I'm pretty sure we'd be forgotten within two episodes if any of us died.
{Noxigar once again points to his electronic heart.}
CHAOS: Well excuuuuuuuusssssssse me, but some of us only live once.
{Oiracul comes in, from the basement.}
OIRACUL: Hey, guys?
CHAOS: Yeah?
OIRACUL: You should probably get going now, I think. It's 4:50. It's only ten minutes until the ceremony begins.
CHAOS: Oh, right. Eh, we can afford to miss like, five minutes of it. After all, no doubt most of it is gonna be D'Arque talking continuously for an hour, subjugating us all with his sense of self importance.
OIRACUL: Probably, but considering how you're all the guests of honor, it would only be fair of you all to turn up on time. I mean, it's showmanship. While it's basically obvious that the man has some awful plan against us all, he did go all the way to at least make the facade of actually caring about us, right? Let's be the better people here and show him what we're made of!
CHAOS: Hm, fine. Alright guys, are you ready?
LEX: Heck yeah I'm ready!
NOXIGAR: As ready as I ever can be, yeah.
CHAOS: Well then, let's go kick some ass! ...Or in Remolay's case, sell some peanuts, or whatever you actually do.
REMOLAY: I do many things, thank you very much.
CHAOS: Uhuh. And Oiracul, I'm assuming you're staying behind to carry on with the robots, right?
OIRACUL: Correct. Don't worry though, I'll be watching it on the TV.5
NARRATOR: After waiting what had felt like an eternity, it was finally time for the grand event to begin. The charity fundraiser event that everyone had been anticipating for an entire week was finally happening. Everyone in Towningdale, even the people down in the Black Market, were welcomed with open arms to watch the Mad Dash. People made bets as to who would win or lose, and it was as though the town's economy could restructure itself. Many contestants would show, but Debonair vocally promised to not do anything to rig the race as part of his long introduction.
{Chaos, Lex, and Noxigar all depart the Wikihood manor and proceed onward to the Mad Dash racing grounds. At the center of town, there's a spectacular setup akin to a street fair with a large stage set up. D'Arque and Droll are behind the stage, D'Arque dressed in his fanciest outfit with Droll mixing substances in a pot.}
DEBONAIR: Well, Droll, is it done yet? I'm ready for my opening scene.
DROLL: Yes sir, the swamp tar and bonding agents are coming together nicely. {He pulls the mixing spoon out of the pot and pours it in a cast, then hands the cast to D'Arque.} Your face, sir.
{D'Arque removes the top half of the cast and places his head in it, emerging with a rather chiseled and handsome face.}
DEBONAIR: Perfect!
{D'Arque puts on a nearby wig and picks up two glass eyeballs.}
DROLL: Just try not to strain your face too much, and be careful to not expose the rest of your body. Break a leg, sir. I'll handle the logistics and upkeep from here.
{D'Arque nods in understanding and plugs his eyes in. There's a dramatic drumroll as spotlights focus on center stage. D'Arque strolls out at the cymbal crash of the drumroll, microphone in hand.}
DEBONAIR: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Today is a special day! The Mad Dash is about to start! I hope everyone bought their popcorn or other treats, but if not, let's all go to the lobby to do that right now!
{Some members of the audience leave to go get food.}
DEBONAIR: The Mad Dash is brought to you by many sponsors. All these sponsors I could list off the top of my skull, and I have them listed on paper in case I forgot any, but I would sound like a walking advertisement for about ten minutes. A lot of people chipped in to give Chaos Malifact, Lex.. Luthor. Yeah, okay. That is totally your name. Come on. And finally, Noxigar... who comes up with a pseudo-last name of Xehanort? Really? Really? REALLY?! UGH, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A BUZZKILL?!6
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} My scientific reasoning is because shut up! Shut up is why!
{Pan to Droll, who is laughing to himself about the spectacle Debonair has officially made of himself.}
DEBONAIR: Ugh, I guess we should give the people who left to get snacks a few minutes and actually start this. {mutters} This is already a trainwreck. Now, for the rules!
{Cut to the team, one by one. Lex is doing preliminary stretches, holding their team's marker, Noxigar is on the shore leaning on his Submarine, which is now covered in any number of ironic decals, and Chaos is smoking his pipe reading a newspaper at the foot of a small mountain range. Either there is a setup that allows them to view D'Arque, or his voice can be heard from there.}
DEBONAIR: {Offscreen} The competitors will have to transfer marker from teammate to teammate, each phase the new teammate joins the race until everybody has made it to the finish line at the end of the Nottigen Mountains!
LEX: You know, I probably shouldn't be surprised that all of the contestants are undead besides us.
DEBONAIR: {Offscreen} ...and of course, any inter-competitor interactions are totally legal!
LEX: That isn't an inconvenient coincidence at all or anything.
{Cut back to Debonair.}
DEBONAIR: Of course, please join us as the contestants that are eliminated from the dash will join us onstage for some post-failure ridicule, because we love shunning those with inferior capabilities to our own! That is, if you're still in one piece that is. We will now light the starting flare.
{Droll comes out of the back wearing a mask and lights a rather large firework, which zooms in the sky and explodes in a shape resembling a skull.}
DEBONAIR: Let the Mad Dash, begin!
{The Mad Dash begins. Lex proceeds to run at breakneck speed, leaving a windy trail beneath his feet. The other undead contestants are struggling to maintain their composure as the wind sends a few of them flying in directions that are not forward on the track. A few manage to succeed in maintaining their composure and attempt to catch up with Lex. This ends up working well for Lex, who is casually putting molten spike traps all over where he is progressing and making it hard for the other competitors. After a while, only one other undead is able to get past Lex's obstacle course, but ends up steamrolled by a huge bowling ball which rolls at him.}
LEX: SUCK IT ZOMBIES! WHOOOOO!!!
{Lex proceeds to pass the marker to Noxigar once he reaches the destination.}
NOXIGAR: Wow, you're fast.
LEX: Ha, I told Chaos all that training wasn't for nothing. Man, did you see how I sped past those losers? Man, I AM FREAKIN' AWESOME!! Well then, Nox... I know you're the kind who likes to relax a bit, take things easy, man. I've bought more than enough time to win this shit. You go out there, and you kick some ass!
{Noxigar salutes Lex.}
NOXIGAR: Aye-aye, sir.
{Noxigar gets into his submarine and begins starting it up. He proceeds to drive the submarine through an obstacle course. Cut to D'Arque, who is on-site at the area where the undead was mauled by the bowling ball.}
DEBONAIR: Debonair D'Arque reporting here from the first checkpoint with Phineas "Pinhead" Walters. Tell us Phineas, how does it feel to be second-rate in life and in death?
{Phineas, being flattened by the ball, cannot respond.}
DEBONAIR: ...Right then, it probably would have been better to have checked up on somebody that's actually still intact. Let's get back to the second leg of the race, the sea challenge!
{The sea challenge continues. A group of undead have their own seacraft above where Noxigar is. As Noxigar is a submarine, he pretty much passes them while undetected, teasing his lead by making it barely up until he sends out a highly volatile Nitro Mine which blows their ship up and leaves a crater in their wake. Another ship shows up, this time more aware of Noxigar's presence. They try gunning the submarine down but Noxigar opens a missile launcher which, while not destroying their ship outright, leaves them at a severe disadvantage. A third ship shows up, and instead of directly confronting it Noxigar just high tails it for the finish line while the ship prepares a large scale assault. He reaches the finish line, gets out of the submarine, and proceeds to give Chaos the marker.}
CHAOS: I get the feeling you and Lex are trying way too hard.
NOXIGAR: We were sort of hoping this was a best-2-out-of-3 kind of deal, honestly.
{Chaos continues to read his newspaper and smoke his pipe.}
NOXIGAR: I also noticed that Debonair's surprisingly left little details about this third phase of the Mad Dash.
{Cut to D'Arque, who's on-site at the area where the third ship has not moved a single millimetre since Noxigar simply dashed past them.}
DEBONAIR: It appears Noxigar has put the Dash in Mad Dash. Wait, did he put the Mad in Mad Dash? Oh, blast it all. I was really rooting for... what's your guys' ship called again?
UNDEAD SAILOR: Oh, um.. we're.. "Mr. Bones' Wild Ride".7
DEBONAIR: Mr. Bones' Wild Ride. Huh, I see. I just couldn't help but notice that you hardly even moved from the start position. That's pretty damn pathetic, huh?
UNDEAD SAILOR: ...Yes sir.
DEBONAIR: Well, let me help you a bit.
{D'Arque pushes the boat with his foot, causing it move a few inches away from the dock. The tide begins to carry it on a different direction than where it was headed, out to the ocean.}
UNDEAD SAILOR: Hey, I um.. can't swim! Could you help me, Mr. D'Arque? I want to get off of Mr. Bones' Wild Ride!
DEBONAIR: You're not that far into the ocean; also, you have several smaller boats on hand to sail back to the docks if you really want to get off. How foolish!
DROLL: {From behind the camera} Uh, sir...
DEBONAIR: What?
{D'Arque has failed to realize that his arm has fallen off.}
DEBONAIR: Oh, son of a-
{Cut back to Chaos. He is continuing to read the newspaper and smoke his pipe.}
CHAOS: Well this is interesting. I should invest stock in propane and propane accessories.
{Pan to the left to see that Noxigar is still there.}
NOXIGAR: So, uh, what's your plan for winning this part of the Mad Dash?
CHAOS: Well, I reckon it's a sky battle to the end of the line.
NOXIGAR: So...
CHAOS: So, what?
NOXIGAR: So if you have this monumental lead, then why don't you use it?
{Chaos looks up at Noxigar.}
CHAOS: Because it dawns on me that I probably don't want to be at the finish line.
NOXIGAR: What makes you say that?
CHAOS: Look, I don't think it's a surprise to D'Arque that I smoke 4 full pipes of Mojo a day. I'm nowhere near perfect physical form, let's be honest.
NOXIGAR: So, you don't want to win because that would require you to work your already bony ass off.
CHAOS: Sort of. If I just sit here and let everybody pass by me, then I can have them set off every stupid trap D'Arque has laid bare for me. Then I can leisurely stroll on the path to the finish line.
NOXIGAR: I see...I think.
CHAOS: I see you think too.
NOXIGAR: {sigh} So you don't care that Lex and I technically had to bust our balls to get this far, despite the fact that your ultimate plan was to just sit here and lay about? Where did this stroke of genius come from?
CHAOS: Hilariously enough, I got it from D'Arque himself.
NOXIGAR: Come again?
CHAOS: Think about it; He's practically carried through his un-life by that pimply green nerd in the suit. I thought perhaps the mentality could aid us here, if we just let him walk into his own stupid prepared traps, then we can hoist him by his own petard.
NOXIGAR: Ah. Okay, I get it now. Carry on, I guess.
{Noxigar walks offscreen. Cut back to Debonair.}
DEBONAIR: And now we begin the third and final phase. The climb to the top of Mount Nottigen!
{A last flare is ignited and sent into the sky. Chaos continues to sit on his couch and read the newspaper, while the undead competition knocks itself out. Whichever undead don't fall to the ground from the inter-competitor mayhem are treated instead to grisly ends from Debonair's traps. Much to everyone's surprise, Chaos is still sitting on his couch, reading.}
CHAOS: I really wish this Garfield comic would have less Garfield in it.
{Chaos continues to nonchalantly sit there. This unnerves both Noxigar and Lex, who observe that one undead competitor is closer to the top of Mount Nottigen. Just as she makes it to the top, though, she is hit with a bazooka blast to the face which knocks her down. She lands a few centimetres away from Chaos' couch.}
CHAOS: See? Me sitting on my bony arse just saved us the game.
{Chaos gingerly puts his newspaper away and puts his couch inside Noxigar's submarine. Taking his sweet time, he proceeds to get out climbing material and climbs the whole of Mount Nottigen with it. As all of Debonair's traps have already activated, Chaos has absolutely no trouble at all with them. The lack of remaining competition also helps him greatly, as he acends to the very top of Mount Nottigen with no effort at all. Cut to Droll, who is immensely surprised.}
DROLL: I don't believe it. I can't believe it. I...
DEBONAIR: I'm afraid this plan to kill them has not worked at all.
DROLL: I'm rather disappointed too, in fact. Not so much at them not dying, but I worked so hard to arrange those traps.
DEBONAIR: You know, I should be more annoyed by this, but you must admit...
DROLL: Oh?
DEBONAIR: Seeing all those poor and useless undead meet their grisly ends by fate, this whole "tortoise and hare" thing that malcontent pulled, in contrast with the other two, who worked their collective derrieres off, it's just.. THIS IS QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT!
DROLL: Oh.
DEBONAIR: You know, Droll, if I knew it was going to turn out like this, and believe me, I really should have known... I would have upped the theatrics even more! I mean, have a few talent performances, some kind of artist, heck, a song and dance number, straight out of a musical! I'm pretty darn good at arranging those, you know!
DROLL: Yeah, yeah, of course, theatrics. Sometimes I wonder why you ever went the whole "evil" route. I'm sure people liked you much more when all you used to do is organize stage shows and performances.
DEBONAIR: Well, that's a given. But let's be honest here. Where's the fun in that, huh? Nope, I'm perfectly happy where I am.
DROLL: So, in terms of the prize... they did technically win. Are we going to give them their prize?
DEBONAIR: {In a whiny tone} But.. I don't wanna give them the priiiiiiiiiize!!
DROLL: Look. We have to. It's not what we want to do, but otherwise they'll just put more wild wrenches in our plans.
{Debonair fondles his chin in thought.}
DEBONAIR: Hm, you do have a point.
{Debonair steps outside to give Chaos, Noxigar, and Lex their prizes.}
DEBONAIR: So, what do you guys call yourselves?
NOXIGAR: The Cripple Anime Commandos!
{Debonair blinks. The crowd begins to laugh.}
DEBONAIR: What?!
LEX: Wait, what? That's-
CHAOS: Actually, just go with it.
LEX: Why? That's a horribly ridiculous team name.
CHAOS: If we don't let Noxigar have his moment of complete and total irony, he'll be mouthing us off for weeks.
NOXIGAR: No, I won't! What I will do, however, is...
{Noxigar kicks Debonair in the crotch and takes the prize from him. He swiftly leaves the premises of Debonair's estate, with Chaos and Lex behind him once they realize what's going on. After their return to the Wikihood manor, they proceed to sigh with relief. Lex and Chaos are transparently exhausted, though, as they are taking heavy breaths and panting. Noxigar, while nowhere close to as exhausted as they are, is also somewhat fatigued by the Mad Dash.}
CHAOS: We are so lucky that we were able to still get one over him.
LEX: Yeah. I can't-
{An obnoxiously loud explosion can be heard. The D'Arque manor is in flames, and is turning slowly into a pile of rubble. Noxigar smirks, which causes Chaos and Lex to be concerned.}
CHAOS: ...the hell did you do?
NOXIGAR: A beloved friend of mine from Dream World Ubers gave me some Mine technology that I worked into the Debonair D'Arque manor while we waited for him to start flapping his gap.
LEX: So, uh, how did you detonate them?
NOXIGAR: Simple. I input a voice trigger for them to start a countdown of fifteen minutes, the time it took for us to get out of dodge.
CHAOS: Wait, so you made "Cripple Anime Commandos" your voice trigger?
LEX: You've gotta be shitting me.
NOXIGAR: I'm not. I do believe this prize is still in need of opening.
{Noxigar takes out the prize, and opens it. A large pile of cash emits from a medium-sized cylinder, covering the whole manor.}
CHAOS: We're loaded!
NOXIGAR: Not quite. We still owe Rosenberg some money, which we can use to shut him up, too.
LEX: I don't think this is the last we'll see of Debonair D'Arque...
NOXIGAR: Nope. I made sure to not get anywhere where Droll would lurk. After all, we can still make use of him somehow.
CHAOS: And what use do we have for a green midget?
NOXIGAR: I shall attempt to replicate the same mind control technology Debonair and Droll have been using on the populace.
LEX: Wait, really?
NOXIGAR: Well, yeah. That was my next step. Since I don't have a way to break their mind control, I simply override it with our mind control being stronger.
CHAOS: Sounds boring. But, it's practical, which makes me proud of you to not have come up with a zany, gimmicky scheme which could've bitten us in the ass.
LEX: You know, I don't think I've learned a single thing from doing this that's beneficial to us in any way.
CHAOS: Just get in the house and shut up.
{The gang link arms and do a Wizard of Oz style song n' dance to thematically appropriate music into the house as the camera pans upwards to the burning remains of D'Arque's manor.}
{END.}
1. It's alright guys, I've met our inappropriate white trash commercial product placement quota for the week.
2. Insert "Wikihood Redux" logo in the bottom right-hand corner.
3. No, really. There's a Bluehaven? Color me perplexed that there was another possibility for the Wikihood Manor to have a sanctuary not filled to the brim with undead, robots, or taverns where Lex and Chaos hit on the bartender.4
4. There is now.
5. Let's just assume Oiracul's powering the TV with the generator Noxigar built.
6. Noxigar only did it to troll Debonair D'Arque. It works because the protagonists are already going to suffer well, so they might as well try to have fun with their inevitable misery.
7. I WANT TO GET OFF OF MR. BONES' WILD RIDE
