(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P5
Synopsis
The Wikihood Gang meets Rosenberg. Two of his robots are recruited as house guests, and hilarity otherwise ensues.
Transcript
{Cut to Fritz and Lang's truck. All the passengers are comfortable, except for Noxigar.}
NOXIGAR: Oh boy. That Benadryl's starting to kick in for me.
REMOLAY: Why did you poison yourself with Benadryl?
NOXIGAR: I have a chronic allergy to bullshit. Using the Benadryl, I normally ail said allergy. I also have seasonal allergies which allow me to take Benadryl 75% of the year. Winter's usually the most benevolent time for me.
REMOLAY: Ah, so you thought it'd be like in Princess Bride where - because you're accustomed to Benadryl, you'd be immune to the side effects?
{Noxigar nods, his eyes growing heavier. He then falls asleep, falling to the truck's floor. Fade to black.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} Sometimes I dream about a woman with blue hair. Normally, she is present with a big-lipped alligator, and giving me tea.
{Cut to Noxigar's dream. A woman with blue hair is present. The woman with blue hair makes tea, while a big-lipped alligator eyes Noxigar funny.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} No, Chaos and Lex, this isn't a reference to anything you think it might be referencing. I normally had these dreams before I lost my heart.
{The woman with blue hair gives Noxigar the recently-made tea. He drinks it, but only after applying some sugar to it. The tea is scalding, which forces Noxi to drink it slowly.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} Although after she makes me tea, she insists I do combat with her.
{The scenery changes right away to a dojo.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} No, Chaos and Lex, she does not possess a Keyblade. I stopped having those Aqua fantasies after Raiku beat the shit out of me.1 Although this woman does have a similar hair color, and similar height and proportions. Her voice has more contralto to it.
{The woman with blue hair gives Noxigar oddly-designed mines and shielding, trying to teach him to deflect shots. After a montage of placing mines around which home in on various goblin replicas, the woman with blue hair takes out similar crossbows to the ones Noxigar had in the last episode1}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} I got the idea to name my Freeshooters Roxanne and Maxamillion from her. Although she might have seen A Goofy Movie, I haven't. So I had to look stuff up on YouTube in order to get the reference2. Once I got it, though, I immediately ingrained the knowledge and applied it accordingly.
{Noxigar tries to use the shielding, but only manages to deflect four out of the five shots back. One of the middle shots hits him. The big-lipped alligator shows up to tend to Noxigar's wound quickly.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} The woman said I'd need this "Mine" technology later. The dreams keep feeling like a Neil Gaiman novel, so I try to take her words seriously. Something about it also reminds me of a PlayStation Portable, but at the same time, I know she isn't from one of their games, or I'd recognize her on the spot. Damn she fine, though!
{Noxigar wakes up, albeit groggily. An hour has passed, Fritz and Lang are still driving, and everyone else seems to be ready to exit the truck.}
FRITZ: THE LOCATION OF YOUR MANOR HAS CHANGED.
LANG: WE HIRED SOME OF OUR MORE ADEPT YOUNGER BROTHERS TO HELP OUT. THEY HAVE LITERALLY UPROOTED THE HOUSE, AND RELOCATED IT HERE FOR SAFETY.
FRITZ: WE THOUGHT ABOUT MOVING IT NEXT TO ROSENBERG'S SUMMER HOME IN PHOENIXSHIRE.
LANG: BUT THEN WE GOT WORD FROM OUR BOSS, A SECRETARY WOMAN, THAT THERE HAD BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS. SOMETHING INVOLVING SURPRISE PUNCH SPIKING IN THE THEATRE.
FRITZ: THE SECRETARY DIDN'T TELL US WHO DID IT, BUT SHE SAID SHE WOULD GIVE THIS GUY SOMETHING.
LANG: AT FIRST WE CONSIDERED HAVING YOU STAYING IN THE SUMMER HOME ITSELF.
FRITZ: BUT.. WELL.. IT HASN'T BEEN TOUCHED SINCE ROSENBERG MOVED OUT. IT'S A BIT DUSTY.
LANG: AND UM.. BOTTLES EVERYWHERE.
CHAOS: Bottles of what? Why is that a problem?
LANG: WELL.. IT'S BEST YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S UM.. RATHER UNORTHODOX.
{Chaos cringes}
CHAOS: You mean he-
LANG: DIDN'T PARTICULARLY TRUST TOILETS THAT MUCH, YEAH.
CHAOS: Oh. Eww.
FRITZ: IT'S BEST NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. HE'S AN ODDBALL, REALLY.
LANG: A REAAAALL ODDBALL.
LEX: You two are under his employ, and yet you still have opinions about him? What's up with that?
FRITZ: WE'RE NOT EXACTLY BUILT, AS YOU SAY,"TO ORDER".
LANG: ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, WE'RE ACTUALLY QUITE DEFECTIVE. ABOMINATIONS, YOU COULD SAY.
FRITZ: HE DOESN'T MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO REMIND US OF THIS. SO WE DON'T MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO REMIND HIM OR OTHERS ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A SCREWBALL HE IS. HE DOESN'T SAY MUCH AFTER THAT.
LANG: IT'S A FAIR DEAL, REALLY. THE FACT THAT HE HASN'T DECOMMISSIONED US AFTER THIRTY YEARS OF SERVITUDE SAYS A LOT REALLY. THE FACT THAT WE'RE STILL EVEN USED FOR SERVITUDE ALSO SAYS A LOT.
FRITZ: WE DON'T LIKE TO ADMIT IT, BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY QUITE GRATEFUL.
REMOLAY: He sounds like quite a character.
FRITZ: YOU'RE TELLING ME. YOU'LL ALL BE ABLE TO SEE FOR YOURSELF ONCE YOU MEET HIM. WELL. IF YOU MEET HIM. HE'S NOT PARTICULARLY FOND OF VISITORS. IN FACT, THIS WHOLE DEAL IN ITSELF WAS QUITE UNEXPECTED, SEEING AS NOWADAYS HE HARDLY TALKS TO ANYONE BUT HIS ASSISTANT. IT'S BEEN THAT WAY FOR.. WELL.. ALMOST THIRTY YEARS NOW. DIFFERENT ASSISTANTS, OF COURSE. HIS NEWEST ONE IS A YOUNG WOMAN.
LANG: MOSTLY ANYTHING THAT'S SAID TO HIM NOWADAYS IS SAID THROUGH HER, SO IF BY SOME CHANCE YOU DO END UP MEETING HIM, PLEASE KNOW THAT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE A PRIVILEGE.
{The truck stops suddenly, jerking everybody around, causing them to hit their heads.}
FRITZ: OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, GUYS. IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE FINALLY HERE.
LEX: Ugh, finally.. I was actually starting to feel a bit sick.
CHAOS: Tell me about it. So.. where exactly did you put our mansion?
FRITZ: OH, WE HAD IT PUT IN A NICE SPOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. THERE WEREN'T MANY OTHER PLACES TO PUT IT, OUR APOLOGIES ABOUT THAT.
{Lang gets out of the truck and opens the door at the back. The crew all get of the truck and observe their surroundings. The city is just like how it looked in the pamphlet, but with the added misfortune of looking aged and derelict. The mansion is now located in a previously empty spot, surrounded by grubby looking skyscrapers and looking incredibly out of place. It is clear that this is the poor part of town. In the distance, it's a much different case, with several clean and immaculate looking skyscrapers, more accurately representing the image shown in the pamphlet. In the middle of the city is a giant and well-lit tower, resembling the Stark Tower standing high and tall above all else.}
REMOLAY: This doesn't look very nice at all! It looks so grubby and disgusting.
{Remolay points to the tower in the distance.}
REMOLAY: Why couldn't you have located us closer to there?
FRITZ: WE WANTED TO, BUT ROSENBERG SAID THAT THIS SPOT WAS MUCH BETTER. WE COULDN'T REALLY DISOBEY AN ORDER.
REMOLAY: What does he want with us in the first place? What's so special about us?
LANG: WE DON'T PARTICULARLY KNOW EITHER. NO OFFENSE, OF COURSE.
FRITZ: BUT WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S DEFINITELY FOR A GOOD REASON. YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
CHAOS: So to be clear, do I still have to pay bills?
FRITZ: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK OTHERWISE?
CHAOS: It just looks like nobody else in the neighborhood does.
FRITZ: NO ONE HAS BEEN THERE IN QUITE SOME TIME. WE FIGURED YOUR PRESENCE WOULD ATTRACT RENOVATORS TO LIVE WITH YOU GUYS.
LANG: WE HAVE ALSO CONSIDERED SHARING THE SAME RESIDENCE AND PAYING WHATEVER RENT IT TOOK TO LIVE THERE.
REMOLAY: Sounds like a good business proposition!
FRITZ: GOOD. WE WILL REPORT TO ROSENBERG AND PROCEED TO GATHER OUR BELONGINGS FROM OUR PREVIOUS DOMICILE.
{Fritz and Lang depart, with their truck, after they've successfully helped empty it.}
NOXIGAR: I have a sneaking suspicion this'll bite us in the ass later.
REMOLAY: Me, too. However, we do have to take note that - One, those robots were really friendly - and Two, they're basically harmless unless they're programmed to self-destruct or something and take a chunk of the house with us - and Three, they're probably loaded with money.
NOXIGAR: I'm willing to bet they'll end up adding another floor to the house with their stuff. Hm, maybe they'll make our house as big as that tower we keep seeing for comparative imagery3!
{Cut to Rosenberg, who is just getting word from Fritz and Lang via a viewscreen. The entire perspective is in first person from his view.}
FRITZ: WE HAVE ASSEMBLED THE CREW YOU DESIRED.
ROSENBERG: Wait, you actually did something successful this time? Tell me it wasn't just something purely serendipitous!
LANG: WHILE WE THINK SERENDIPITY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT, THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOWED US TO DRAW THEM IN TO OUR TOWN.
FRITZ: INQUIRY: WHY DO WE WANT THESE GUYS IN OUR CITY ANYWAY? ONE OF THEM NARROWLY BUNGLED A BENADRYL OPERATION LAST WE CHECKED. HE MANAGED TO GET D'ARQUE UNCONSCIOUS, BUT NOT THE GOBLIN.
LANG: DROLL. HIS NAME WAS DROLL.
ROSENBERG: Bah, who cares? The fact you two are triumphant alone should be worth celebrating. Help them get settled into their new home, show them around, and then in a few days bring them specifically to me!
{The two robots salute Rosenberg}
FRITZ AND LANG: YES SIR!
{The screen shuts off and the screen pans to Rosenberg, who's revealed to be an elderly man sleeping in a cryogenic chamber. Attached to his head and other parts of his body is a series of tubes and wires, connected to various other parts of the room, transmitting his thoughts to the rest of the tower and city's power-grid. Attached to the chamber is a small monitor, measuring his vital signs. His body is shown to based in a small room, consisting only of the chamber and the viewscreen.}
ROSENBERG: Stephanie. Please come in.
{The screen turns back on, this time showing the woman he was talking to earlier.}
STEPHANIE: Yes, Mr. Rosenberg?
ROSENBERG: What I am about to tell you may surprise you somewhat, but we are going to be having guests very soon.
STEPHANIE: Guests? You mean the subjects?
ROSENBERG: Yes. All I ask of you regarding this is that you make them feel comfortable. Please don't hesitate in giving them every luxury this fine establishment has to offer. I want to make sure that they're satisfied before I have to talk to them.
STEPHANIE: I can do that. Anything else?
ROSENBERG: Ah, yes. Another thing. Make sure they go through the cleansing procedure before they step foot in any of the upper levels of this tower. In full, I mean. And be sure to provide them all with a new change of clothing too. I want them to be immaculate.
STEPHANIE: Yes, sir.
ROSENBERG: Excellent. I'm sure you won't disappoint.
{The screen shuts off again. Cut back to the crew. They return to the Wikihood Manor and proceed to watch television using the spare electrical battery4}
REMOLAY: So, I guess we just chill here?
LEX: Yea. I'll have to find my "Happy time" location again.
REMOLAY: I'm sure there's an abandoned tavern we can man.
CHAOS: And what, attribute it to some baseball fanatic's dream of tending bar?
LEX: Hey, that baseball fanatic was awesome!
CHAOS: Have we mentioned how much you tend to sympathize with people who might not be savory to everyone else?
LEX: Oh, that's nonsense!
CHAOS: Are you forgetting the time where you invited a group of homeless junkies into our abode? Who then proceeded to turn the house into their own personal hive of depravity?
LEX: Oh, that was one time! You can't judge me on that!
CHAOS: Or that time when you picked up that "hitchhiker" and drove her twenty miles, oblivious to the fact that she was a woman looking to get paid for a "quick job"?
LEX: I genuinely cared about her well-being!
CHAOS: Face it man, your judge of character leaves something to be desired.
{Noxigar gets in his Latula Pyrope costume and skateboards down the stairs.}
NOXIGAR: Pff, I liked the hitchhiker gal. She would've been a great houseguest. Although I guess the whole "she was in a high-end prostitution ring" was a problem.
{Chaos eyes Noxigar cautiously.}
CHAOS: What the hell are you doing?
NOXIGAR: I gave Oiracul the latest scoop via a note on her door, so she doesn't wonder what's going on. Other than that, though, I'm going to go spread the word of our presence around.
CHAOS: Your costume's really flashy.
NOXIGAR: I like wearing it.
CHAOS: You don't think you'll get laughed out of the remaining town?
NOXIGAR: Tch, even if I do, what's the difference? Before the D'Arque Theatre, there was this group of assholes ruining my fun at the cinema. One day, I notice they're all managers who worked on this ego project of theirs. Soon as it's available, I haul ass to that theatre and show the assholes no mercy. I was quite the hoot, and got to wear Doug Walker's clothes for a month!
LEX: More power to you!
REMOLAY: Oh wow.
CHAOS: Y'know, I worry about you all.
{Noxigar uses his skateboard to leave the manor.}
CHAOS: Let's see if this guy runs subliminal messages on his local access television.
{Chaos flips through the channels looking for some sort of hysterical propaganda, but fails to find anything.}
CHAOS: Well, I guess we don't have to worry too much about that, considering it looks like we're in the deserted part of town. {peers out window}
LEX: When did you become so critical of your surroundings?
CHAOS: Strange are these, the times of uncertainty, where a man has to have his house lifted and moved by sheer force.
LEX: Well, it's not like we forgot anything crucial...
{Cut to the remains of the house back in Townindale. The basement staircase still remains, and Vindi begins to crawl out of the basement. He looks around at his surroundings, and runs off, to an unknown location. Cut back.}
CHAOS: Suppose you're right - there's still the problem of what to actually do about D'Arque.
LEX: He's the least of our concerns, now - we're in unfamiliar territory.
REMOLAY: {as energetic as before} Well, maybe this town will be as welcoming as Townindale was to me! Only time will tell!
{Convenient flash forward, to the next day, accompanied by cheesy transition slide. Remolay returns to the Manor, at roughly the same time as yesterday. Remolay enters the interior of the house, and Chaos is reading a newspaper.}
REMOLAY: {as energetic as yesterday} Well, that was the worst workday ever!
CHAOS: Tell me about it!
REMOLAY: {Chaos' smug expression fades in cadence with Remolay's words} Well, first I applied to at least 8 different places, and one of them hired on the spot, but I only ended up there for about one whole lunch shift, so then I went down to the other side of town to try and pick up work at the docks, and then they gave me the boot because I couldn't keep up with the pace, OH! and then -
CHAOS: That uh...that was a joke.
REMOLAY: Well, long story short, I got paid about $15.
CHAOS: $15!?! That's like working two hours, at less than minimum wage!
REMOLAY: How the hell do you suggest I make money? As a matter of fact, how do you even afford to live here?
CHAOS: It was foreclosed on, so we rented it cheap.
REMOLAY: Who did it belong to before?
CHAOS: ...Us - BUT - that isn't a big deal on paper, or to town hall.
{Noxigar comes back. He is barely keeping himself up using his skateboard, and looks to be crucially injured.}
NOXIGAR: I managed to stop a crime ring, but got pretty beat up from not only them, but a crossfire with the authorities. I mentioned being with two robots named Fritz and Lang and they let me off with a warning and some medical supplies. I should've brought one of my armaments. Anyway, have we seen Vindi around? I kind of noticed the basement isn't in our latest schematics.
{The newspaper burns in Chaos' hands.}
CHAOS: Flipping A!
{Chaos runs over to the basement door and opens it, to reveal it came off the hinges and that there is no basement. Chaos almost faints, but Noxigar's bruised and bleeding body catches him - though it isn't long before they both topple over.}
REMOLAY: Vindi? You mean that guy in the basement you feed?
CHAOS: Yeah, the very same.
REMOLAY: I don't understand, why was he locked in your basement?
CHAOS: You see, he was the owner of the house, until some illegal whodoo got him in deep shit.
REMOLAY: Okay, what hoodoo is that?
CHAOS: Basically, he got himself in trouble, on an intergalactic scale.
REMOLAY: Woah woah woah, space? That sounds far too actiony for you guys - you're all actually kind of...boring...5
CHAOS: Well, we're obviously not fit for ragtag adventuring - Not in these days, at least. We of course played into the whole plan, but then we got really really far ahead of ourselves. We try to keep it on the down-low, but we were criminals in our heyday. We managed to fall off the radar long enough to go unnoticed. Vindi made it back to the house on his own, because we kind of split things off with him during the whole thing, but when we bought the house back and opened the door, there he was. He sought to stay in the basement day in and day out, and still didn't want to be found, so we just left him to his own devices. We'd see him once a day, then once a week, once a month, a year, and then we got worried. After about two years, it seems his psyche collapsed in on itself - not sure how, but now we just resort to feeding him.
REMOLAY: What do you think he's up to?
CHAOS: He's been away from society for so long, he's probably in a bit of culture shock.
REMOLAY: Ah.
LEX: I hope D'Arque didn't get to him...
CHAOS: That's my fear as well.
NOXIGAR: Maybe we should go back for him?
REMOLAY: Wait, what if we sicced him on D'Arque? Sounds like a space pirate like him would be just the thing to outdo D'Arque...
CHAOS: I think simply getting him back is far more important.
LEX: So this means we need to go back to Towningdale, then? How exactly are we going to do that? Considering how we're public enemy number one and all..
CHAOS: Well, we're only public enemy number one because D'Arque programmed them all into thinking we are, so if we can relinquish his control, then we can go back home. The other, more crushing reality-based problem is getting the building back there.
NOXIGAR: Brilliant ideas, but you forget one more, ethical and moral problem - do we want to go back?
CHAOS: Obviously not yet - Only trial and error can answer that.
NOXIGAR: Ah, trial and error - my two favorite companions.
{Oiracul yawns and wakes up. She exits her room, and sees a note, which helps her catch up.}
OIRACUL: Oh boy, I guess I should see what's up?
{Oiracul arrives downstairs just as Fritz and Lang show up.}
FRITZ: STEPHANIE YOUNG HAS ASKED US TO BRING YOU TO OUR MASTER FOR DEBRIEFING.
REMOLAY: We were just scheming how we were going to fix our considerable lack of a basement.
LANG: OH, NO! IT APPEARS THEY HAVE BAGGAGE WE COUDLN'T HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN ABOUT!
FRITZ: I TOLD YOU TO HIRE MORE GUYS TO LIFT THE HOUSE!
LANG: OKAY, LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT.
NOXIGAR: Oh, I believe we should worry. For, see, we're also missing one important head amongst our company: Vindicator. He was the original owner of the Wikihood Manor. Unfortunately, his healthy lifestyle of "play Valve games 24/7, and hang around with three Azu-Manga-Daioh body pillows" couldn't pay the bills. So he sold his soul to a daemon. Not a devil, like Raiku did, but a daemon. As you can imagine, the horrors he underwent created illegal voodoo shenanigans which almost compromised the entirety of Towningdale - and the corresponding galaxy. That is, until we lost track of time, came back to find the mayor mostly indifferent, and Vindicator trying to keep himself locked up in the basement of his Manor. I also make sure to finish his collection of body pillows so Vindi's never lonely when it's feeding time.
{Noxigar sheds a single tear of sympathy.}
FRITZ: OH MY CRAP. THAT IS SOME SERIOUS BUSINESS.
CHAOS: So you can see the predicament - We've gotten ourselves into trouble over all of his incidents - the power, the space piracy, etc. - but we can't abandon him, because he's insane and will simply cause us more problems. Though it obviously isn't something he planned ahead for in his glory days6.
LANG: WE SHOULD INFORM ROSENBERG. MAYBE HE CAN HELP YOU GUYS GET BACK TO TOWNINGDALE.
FRITZ: WE TOLD HIM OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES OFF-SCREEN7.
OIRACUL: Oh my. Well, I do have some aura-based tricks up my sleeve if you need those.
NOXIGAR: Aura...?
OIRACUL: Yeah. I was a cleric for a time, so I know some moves which might help.
CHAOS: Oh, THANK THE HEAVENS we have a sane person here!
REMOLAY: Are we absolutely sure that Vindi will be susceptible to cleric magic?
OIRACUL: You did mention he sold his soul to a daemon, right?
LEX: Yeah, I think I can vouch for both Chaos and Nox.
OIRACUL: Very well. I can whip up a Far Sight spell if you'd like, to give us an aura of clairvoyance. If Vindicator is in any danger, we'll know right away.
FRITZ: IT ALSO SAVES US THE TROUBLE OF INSTALLING A GPS SYSTEM INTO HIS LEFT MOLAR.
NOXIGAR: Come to think of it, I don't quite know what Vindi does with those body pillows I keep giving him for his Azu-Manga-Daioh collection.
CHAOS: I just don't know how we're actually going to subdue him - He has surprising vitality for someone who doesn't enjoy the sun, regardless of whether or not a demon owns his soul.
OIRACUL: Well, if my Far Sight spell is working, Vindicator seems to be rather lost, with Towningdale surprisingly ignorant of his actions.
REMOLAY: To be honest, that's not surprising.
NOXIGAR: Strange, the daemonic possession left a bounty on his head.
REMOLAY: It must've been waived when the Mayor noted what you guys did to prevent him from doing harm? I guess there's at least one good quality about the Mayor.
{Cut to Debonair D'Arque, who finally wakes up. He is in an infirmary-like room within the theatre, with Droll giving him aid. D'Arque tries to get up, only to be tied to his bed.}
DEBONAIR: Who was the ruffian who poisoned my colleagues, Droll? And tell me why I shouldn't kill you right here and now!
DROLL: The "ruffian" thought he was a Nobody. I took the time to look up the term and apparently he thinks he's an Organization XIII member.
DEBONAIR: He?
DROLL: I heard his voice. It was an unmistakable low tenor, possible baritone. Few women possess the vocal chords required to terrorize my ear drums with incessant bellowing about Benadryl and his inability to tolerate rivals8.
DEBONAIR: Ah, so he perceived us to be a threat to him?
DROLL: Yes. He also seemed to be in-league with that Abraxas fellow and his other friends, at least indirectly. He mentioned how we imprisoned his friend before, so I'm leaning towards his allegiance to Mr. Malifact.
DEBONAIR: Good, so not Rosenberg?
DROLL: Actually, I don't know if both parties have met or not. It would appear they... haven't. At least not for the time being.
DEBONAIR: You can unbind me from these oversized trouser belts.
{Droll unbinds Debonair.}
DEBONAIR: Even though I may have threatened your life in however many times in the past, I know I cannot kill you. Because if I do, it undoes the necromancy which keeps this lovely theatre in shape!
{Debonair gets up out of his chair. He can hear classical music playing nearby, in the ballroom. Pan to the ballroom, where people are dancing. The punch has been replaced with something less "poisoned with Benadryl."}
DROLL: Your wisdom is unparalleled, milord9.
DEBONAIR: This "Nobody" - did he try to kill you?
DROLL: Yes. A last second dodge to the left is the only reason we all stand alive. Thankfully, the mob managed to pick him up after the recoil from his crossbows - oh, what dreadful names did he give those wretched things? - sent him flying out the theatre's main doors.
DEBONAIR: Ha! That'll show the scoundrel. We better keep an eye out for intruders. Droll, I'll make it a point to have you make a watch for each section of the Theatre so no one can sneak by as easily as this "Nobody."
DROLL: And before you ask, he did not leave me a name. Apparently he didn't want us to trace his existence.
DEBONAIR: Now that you mention it, he seems to have some sort of incredible knack for coming up short in his plans.
DROLL: Probably just a coincidence, milord.
DEBONAIR: How do you suppose we deal with them, then?
DROLL: I don't think we'll have to worry about that, sir. I managed to cut the proverbial crap out of Townindale's fur and send them off.
DEBONAIR: What's what? Why would you go and do that?
DROLL: {nervous} They obviously resisted my hypnotic spell, and I figured they would just be trouble in paradise.
DEBONAIR: But I need my token entertainment! What's fun without a little game to play, a story to be told!
DROLL: Er, milord, you seem to have forgotten, but...You're a man of the arts? Like theater?
DEBONAIR: I want them back! {fussing, as a spoiled brat is apt to do} I want them, I want them, it's not fair, I never get what I want, etc.
DROLL: Mother of god milord, stop whining! If you want them back so bad, go find them and ask them!
DEBONAIR: I suppose, I should just do it myself. Leadership, take charge, so on, so forth.
{D'Arque hobbles to the front door with Droll's assistance and opens the door. The lack of a Wikihood house becomes obvious to the two of them.}
DROLL: ...I'll go looking for them after dinner theater.
{D'Arque stares at the empty space where the house used to be, bewildered.}
DEBONAIR: How did they...
DROLL: I have absolutely no idea.
{Cut back to the Wikihood crew one day later. They are standing at the base of Rosenberg Tower. The cityscape here is much cleaner looking and more advanced, resembling the picture on the pamphlet much more than the rest of the city. As they look at the scenery around them, the young woman walks out of the front doors, with two floating robot bodyguards by her side.}
FRITZ: WE MUST FIRST INTRODUCE YOU TO STEPHANIE YOUNG, ROSENBERG'S SECOND-IN-COMMAND.
REMOLAY: Yeah, you've told us at least ten times already.
{The woman walks down the stairs with the two bodyguards following her, and she goes over to Chaos and shakes his hand.}
STEPHANIE: Miss Stephanie Young at your acquaintance. It is a pleasure to meet you all.
CHAOS: Y-Yes, you too. I'm Chaos, and he's-..
STEPHANIE: Oh no, you don't need to introduce yourselves. Mr. Rosenberg's already told me all about you.
CHAOS: Wait, how? We haven't even met him!
STEPHANIE: Yes, I am aware of that. But you will very soon. Perhaps you can inquire him personally regarding his knowledge, hmm? I assure you, it will be quite shocking.
LEX: Brr, it's cold out here.
STEPHANIE: Ah yes, we should really go inside. Follow me.
{Stephanie walks back inside the tower, with the crew following her from behind, save Chaos, who seems to have taken lead with her.}
CHAOS: So, how does an eligible young bachelorette like yourself doing in a town like this?
STEPHANIE: ...Excuse me?
CHAOS: {Nervous} I, I mean...D'Arque employs some strange breeds around him. His manservant is a little goblin in an ill-fitting suit, and his fanbase is all undead. You're neither a goblin nor undead nor {checking her out} ill fit.
STEPHANIE: I'll repeat, for lack of a better term; {turning around, obvious of Chaos' advances} Excuse me?
CHAOS: Woah-ho! I mean nothing by it! It's just, in the world of masters and servants, you're a Grade A at what you do.
STEPHANIE: As it should be - I strive to stay at the top billing, even for just being some hired help.
CHAOS: Yeah, but...do you do some sort of cool tricks? What's your knack? Spellcaster, cyborg, shapeshifter?
OIRACUL: {Offscreen} Eh, seen one seen 'em all.
STEPHANIE: Sorry, Mr. Malifact, but my only asset is a high GPA and some diplomas. Rosenberg keeps me around for legwork, I'm not one of the masterminds of the trade.
CHAOS: Please, Mr. Malifact is my father.
STEPHANIE: Your charm is outweighed by your demeanor, "Abby". I suggest you stick your cynic routine and uh, try again next time.
{Stephanie takes an exceptional lead over the rest of the group.}
CHAOS: {brandishing pipe} Until next time, nachtigall.
LEX: {Containing laughter} Is that your best shot?
CHAOS: Shut it, your last romantic effort was a dance, with an undead. She was mindless and lifeless.
LEX: Ouch. Thanks for that, asshole.
STEPHANIE: {from a separate perspective, under her breath} Now that is what I was looking for in a man.
{Noxigar approaches Stephanie cautiously. She notices and is somewhat cautionary around him.}
STEPHANIE: And are you going to put the moves on me, too?
NOXIGAR: No. Do you take me for someone who's incredibly tacky10?
STEPHANIE: Okay, good.
{Pan slowly to Remolay and Oiracul, who stand more close to where Lex was.}
REMOLAY: Why is it that when a pretty face is around, people just gravitate towards 'em?
OIRACUL: Beats me. I'm at least thankful Noxigar isn't joining in on whatever Chaos and Lex do.
{Pan back to Noxigar, Stephanie, Chaos, and Lex. Noxigar contemplates equipment of an icy shield, Frozen Pride.}
STEPHANIE: If you bring anything in, it must be decontaminated. Boss' orders.
{Stephanie confiscates Frozen Pride, applying a cleanser on it. She then gives it back to Noxigar.}
NOXIGAR: Thanks.
STEPHANIE: {smiling} No problem.
NOXIGAR: When not being hit on, {daggers from his eyes aim squarely at Lex and Chaos} are you usually amicable?
STEPHANIE: Absolutely.
NOXIGAR: Right. And while I try to adapt to the cold thematics of this particular area with item choice, would it be alright if I wondered if you went to ice cream socials? I just took a tour of the towne and noticed a cute ice cream shoppe that I figured would be apt.
STEPHANIE: Uh, we could do one after Rosenberg's meeting, if you'd like. That is, assuming he hasn't planned an ice cream social already. {After finishing her sentence, she lightly chuckles.}
{Dead air abound.}
CHAOS: {cough}Hypocrite{cough}
{The smoke from Chaos' pipe catches Stephanie's attention.}
STEPHANIE: That reminds me...
{Stephanie confiscates Chaos' pipe.}
CHAOS: My mojo!
STEPHANIE: The boss doesn't tolerate smoking on his property. Even so, how do I know this isn't a weapon in disguise?
CHAOS: Because I'm not an idiot!
STEPHANIE: The way you've been hitting on me all day says otherwise.
{Everyone hollers in a sitcom-like manner. Chaos becomes visibly angry.}
CHAOS: Listen here, you pencil-pushing harlot, just bring me to this Rosenberg guy now, so we can make this quick!
STEPHANIE: You'll be delighted to know that we've just made it to his central office.
{Zoom out to reveal that the team has reached their intended destination. Seated at the head of a large conference table, obscured by shadows, appears to be a man in a wheelchair. Only his eyes and silhouette are visible12. The room is decorated in an Art Deco style, with old movie posters on the walls, and Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade playing as ambiance.}
?????????: Of course, I wouldn't expect any less temper from such a firebrand as yourself, Mr. Malifact. Please, have a seat, all of you.
{They all take a seat at the table, with the exception of Stephanie, who stays standing up.}
????????: Thank you. This meeting has been a long time coming, hasn't it? All of you have come so far, both literally and figuratively as well. So tell me. What do you think of this city?
CHAOS: Well if you ask me, it's actually kinda crap.
????????: I half-expected that response, unfortunately. It's a crying shame, isn't it? It didn't use to be like this, you know. But hopefully, we'll be able to change that soon enough.
CHAOS: Yeah, about that. What is this "we" you're talking about? What's up with this VIP experience in the first place?
???????: Oh, don't be coy. You've all been part of this game ever since you moved into that small town of yours. The one you were recently just evicted from, am I correct?
LEX: Not so much "evicted", as "chased out by angry mob".
??????: Yes, my deepest condolences to you, by the way. It's not every day where one is faced with a dilemma such as that. Especially when it's done by such a disgusting creature.
CHAOS: Yes, yes! Just introduce yourself already so we can get this over and done with!
??????: Very eager to get out of here, are you? Alright, I'll try not to take up too much of your time with more than what is needed. My name is James Rosenberg, CEO of Rosenberg Industries. Everything you see before you right now is my creation. Like the two robots, for example. As imbecilic as they are, I can't help but feel a tinge of pride for their existence. They happen to be the cornerstone of robotic technology, something that I have achieved much sooner than anyone else! Wouldn't you feel proud?
CHAOS: I guess..
ROSENBERG: This small taste of what you've seen, could you imagine the whole city looking that way? Midway City once happened to be the most technologically advanced city in the world, you know. Although that is no longer the case, I assure you that it will be soon enough. Because I assure you, my technology will be the way of the future!
{A clanging sound is heard as he starts starts twitching}
ROSENBERG: The way of the future! The way of the future! The way of the future!14
{The twitching becomes rapid as his voice starts "malfunctioning", as if he were also a robot.}
ROSENBERG: THE WAY OF THE FUTURE THE WAY OF THE FUTURE THTH WAYAYAY OFFF THE FUUUUUTURRRRRR-...
{The twitching and noises stop as he slumps down in his chair and smoke starts billowing from him. They turn to Stephanie, who shrugs as she doesn't know what's going on either.}
CHAOS: Oh man, are you alright?
{The lights of the room turn on, revealing Rosenberg to be nothing but a robotic figure who malfunctioned in the middle of speech. Suddenly, a voice comes on through the intercom.}
ROSENBERG: Oh how terribly embarrassing. I must apologize for this incident.
STEPHANIE: That rarely happens. You okay, Rosie?
ROSENBERG: Yes. I am fine, now. An animatronic stand-in may not have been such good idea, looking at it in hindsight. However, I am apologizing to our beloved guests.
NOXIGAR: I've seen worse occur today.
ROSENBERG: Yes, I saw it in the news. And I must say, that was quite a spectacle you all caused there. It was almost as spectacular as the last time you tried to disrupt Debonair's operations. I mean, flooding the entire theatre is one thing, but charging in and shooting up the place? Oh, I wish I could have seen that with my own eyes! Although, considering the circumstances physical form, that is now an impossibility, unfortunately.
LEX: Yeah, what exactly is up with you anyway? Why couldn't you greet us in person?
ROSENBERG: I'll explain that some other time. But enough of that. The reason why I called you all here was because of that show you made earlier. You see, I've been watching you all for a very long time. And I like what I see.
LEX: Wait, you've been spying on us?
ROSENBERG: In lack of a better word... yes. I won't split hairs here. But I assure you, I am not the only one.
OIRACUL: I sense an aura of insecurity. It's very, very overwhelming.
REMOLAY: I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's probably emanating from Chaos due to his failure to woo Stephanie.
LEX: Oh, snap!
{Lex and Remolay high-five each other. Oiracul then high-fives each of them. Chaos rolls his eyes, while Noxigar stands there, blankly.}
CHAOS: Okay, shut up!
STEPHANIE: Actually, no. Keep up the good work, Remolay!
{Everyone laughs, but Chaos and Rosenberg.}
ROSENBERG: Enough! You see, I'm sure you're all aware of Mr. Debonair's grip on Towningdale, are you not? He has eyes and ears everywhere in the town. Even in the interior of your mansion.
CHAOS: What? You mean, he was..
ROSENBERG: Yes, I'm afraid so. Though I assure you, I doubt it was for voyeuristic purposes. Not in my case, at least. It was him who's actually been spying on you. I simply happened to be.. observing on the same line. The man is very behind technologically, you see. If there's one advantage I have over that pathetic fool, it's the fact that I'm not still living in the past!
REMOLAY: So wait, what do you have against D'Arque that's made you bring us over here? I assume this particular operation isn't for anyone's benefit, is it?
ROSENBERG: You assume correctly. Debonair and I have quite a colorful history together. In fact, this is a feud that has lasted for generations, way before our existence. At this point, we're simply torchbearers, carrying this feud on to another generation. However, I would like to do myself, and humanity a favor by extinguishing his flame. Permanently. It's a shame really, as we used to be rather amiable with each other despite our family history, but that's all in the past now.
REMOLAY: You want to kill him?
ROSENBERG: No, no. That is an.. understatement. Technically, he's already dead. No, I wish to do more than that. I wish to destroy him. Crush every single little fiber of his being, leaving absolutely no trace behind. This is no longer just a simple clashing between families, it's full scale war. The man is a cancer to society, and I am doing humanity a favor by removing him for good.
CHAOS: So you basically want us to help you solve your petty squabble?
ROSENBERG: As I stated, and as you have already witnessed with your own eyes, it's beyond a personal matter now. You see, for years, D'Arque spent his time in seclusion, plotting this scheme, and probably many more! His actions have become more than just silly tricks, but full blown villainy! Surely you, of all people must understand. And please, don't feel like I'm cheating you here. I do plan on rewarding you. Greatly, in fact. You see, not only do I want to solve the problem of D'Arque, I want to breathe new life into this city and transform it back into the booming metropolis it once was! And once that happens, I plan on making YOU the center of all this! You cannot begin to fathom how great this is!
CHAOS: Hm...
ROSENBERG: So, what do you say?
CHAOS: Tch, sorry bucko, it's tempting, but we're going to decline. We already have too much baggage left behind in Towningdale15. Besides, getting caught up in such a big family deal? It's really not our problem. I agree, D'Arque is definitely a sly bastard, but if we plan on doing anything to him, we plan on doing so for our reasons, not yours. Again, sorry.
{The camera pans to Lex.}
CHAOS: Mr. Lex has to pay child support for a few whores in a brothel.
LEX: Wait, but I-
CHAOS: Shut up! Anyway...
{The camera pans to Remolay and Oiracul.}
CHAOS: They've only been around enough to see a small fraction of Townindale.
REMOLAY: Actually given the amount of business I concocted within the month or so I was there, I've seen at least 95% of the joint.
OIRACUL: And as a werewolf I merely go clubbing. So in essence I've explored enough of Townindale to be satisfied.
CHAOS: ...Oh. But yeah. You see, Mr. Rosenberg, we've got some big shit going on right now. And I mean some really big shit. Not only do we need to save our little town, but we also have a little bit of daemon hunting to do. That could be fun.
{The camera pans to Noxigar.}
NOXIGAR: Hey, what about me?
CHAOS: What about you?
NOXIGAR: I thought you had a rubbish excuse for me.
CHAOS: There are so many things you do in Townindale that listing them off the top of my head is simply too much effort.
NOXIGAR: Hm, I guess I'll miss that theater that allows me to riff many, many movies therein and get paid for it all the same.
CHAOS: See?
NOXIGAR: Although, I also need to travel anyway to collect gear to make me as capable of necromancy as Droll!
CHAOS: Wait, when the hell did you want necromancy gear?
NOXIGAR: Since I need a way to kill that daemon that possessed Vindicator. The Mayor told me he used a codename, Phil Argus, but I was told by the Mayor's assistants that it's just a stupid Bonus Stage reference that I neither don't understand nor want to understand.
CHAOS: ...Well, I'm not even going to pretend that I understood all that. But you see Rosie, I'm afraid we have our own fish to fry at this very moment.
ROSENBERG: Oh, that's absolutely fine. I do not wish to force you into anything you do not want participate in. And your motives, while somewhat.. confusing are noble nonetheless. So you plan on returning back to Towningdale then?
CHAOS: Oh, um.. thank you for being so easy about it. And yes, we do.
ROSENBERG: You're absolutely welcome. I can arrange to have your possessions moved back there, if you desire.
OIRACUL: That'd be highly appreciated.
ROSENBERG: However, do know this, Abby.
NOXIGAR: Okay, seriously, what's with these excess name shortages?
ROSENBERG: Just terms of endearment. Nothing really more than that.
CHAOS: You sure about that?
ROSENBERG: I just want to tell you that my offer is still on the table, lest you reconsider. I assure you, I am in fact a very pleasant man to work with. I do hope you at least think about the offer I have given you all, as it is one I believe you'll soon grow to appreciate. But if not, at the very least, I expect at least one of you to visit. After all, I haven't planned any ice cream socials. Heh. Also, if I need to convey any information to you, rest assured that I will be sending Miss Young over to deliver the messages to you personally.
STEPHANIE: Perhaps you can invite me in some time for some tea and biscuits? I know that at least four out of five of you will be pleasant enough to welcome me.
CHAOS: Hey!
STEPHANIE: Also, I see you've grown quite accustomed to the two robots. Fritz and Lang shall accompany you on your journey. I do hope you treat them nicely.
OIRACUL: Splendid! Maybe we can fix 'em?
REMOLAY: I don't see anything broken about them.
OIRACUL: For one thing, they need proper auras to maintain their vitality.
FRITZ: HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD LIKE.. UPGRADE US OR SOMETHING? YEAH!
LANG: YEAH, YEAH! WITH LASERS, AND LIKE.. HOVER JETS AND.. UM..
ROSENBERG: Oh, I dread to imagine you armed with weaponry.
LANG: HEY, CAN IT BUCKO.
ROSENBERG: Pfft. Yes, please take them. They're better off with you, anyway.
NOXIGAR: We'll worry about it once we go home.
ROSENBERG: A sound plan. And I've got robots who have made a caravan.
STEPHANIE: Wait, a caravan?
ROSENBERG: A modified war tank. It was meant to be a housewarming gift, but now it can be used to evacuate you guys to Townindale.
REMOLAY: How generous.
NOXIGAR: Anyway, Steph, I wanted to apologize about the ice cream social. Can I get back to you on it later?
STEPHANIE: Uh, sure. I didn't think you were serious about it at any rate.
NOXIGAR: Alright. I'll make note of it in that new sketchbook I got from the Mayor, and draw us there to serve as a reminder.
STEPHANIE: Sure, whatever floats your boat. I have a couple days off two weeks from now that'd be more convenient.
{Noxigar salutes Stephanie as he departs. The others follow suit.}
CHAOS: Like hell you're going to actually go out with her.
NOXIGAR: If you must know, I wanted to talk arts and sciences with her, but if you insist on being a dick about it, then I might just go and try and make my move on her.
LEX: You breeder-types are insane, you know that?
CHAOS: Either way, we're not here for romancing the stone, we're here for total recall.
LEX: Oh my god, did you just actually make those jokes?
CHAOS: Shut up, it's been a long week.
LEX: What does that have to do with anything?
CHAOS: That if we don't make enough popular culture references in a week we can't make money for the viewership we lack16.
LEX: You should make Noxigar do that - add it to the chore wheel.
CHAOS: I think we're going to be out of a home for a little while.
LEX: Why's that?
CHAOS: We're already on the tank and the house can't move unless we pay to have it moved.
{Zoom out to reveal that they are in fact in the tank, on their way home.}
CHAOS: It's going to cost a shitload to move the house over.
LEX: So that's how Rosenberg gets us to come back! Keep our house in the shitter until we're forced to clean it up.
NOXIGAR: So, what are we going to do about the town? They're all still brainwashed.
REMOLAY: I think we should save them!
CHAOS: {puzzled look} ...Who gave you permission to speak?
NOXIGAR: I think he's onto something. I'd trust his words, he would know about spreading good cheer.
REMOLAY: I...{thinks about it for a second} ...Yeah, yeah I would. So listen to me for once!
CHAOS: Well we better think of an idea, and fast.
{The tank approaches the border, the sun setting towards Townindale.}
END
1. CONTINUITY
2. Proof Noxigar isn't omniscient, however minimal it may appear.
3. Or some level of foreshadowing equivalent to towering over the D'Arque Theatre?
4. I LOVE CONTINUITY
5. WIKIHOOD REDUX - NEVER FORGET: 2007 - 2007, BECAUSE IT WAS SHIT AFTER THE FIRST EPISODE
6. Or did he?
7. Like all good things in life, it had to happen off-screen.
8. Is my fetish for continuity problematic?
9. Can goblins be sassy? I forget.
10. Since when is hitting on assistants to corporate tycoons not tacky when she just rejected one of your palsies?11
11. We'll get it in editing. She'll fall for me yet!
12. I think it's safe to assume that Rosenberg, being part evil genius, wouldn't want everyone to know he was just a brain in a jar, so I propose a cleverly disguised robot that suggests he has a more physical form to the unsuspecting.13
13. Well, the brain in a jar idea has been replaced with a "man in permanent stasis" idea now. I'll still roll with the robot form though. B]
14. Considering how he's simply just an expy of Howard Hughes, I had to throw in some reference to The Aviator in there. Good movie, you should see it.
15. And by "baggage" we mean "bullshit excuses Chaos uses to blame the other characters."
16. Ouch, right in the fourth wall.
