(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P3
Summary
More recurring characters get introduced one way or another. The importance of each recurring character introduced in the episode varies.
Transcript
{Cut to the morning. Chaos walks out in a smoking jacket, empties is his pipe, puts it away, and walks to the end of the lawn to get the mail. Slowly change perspective to reveal that Chaos is being watched, by a mysterious figure in what appears to be a '50s bar, albeit ruined.}
????????: Look at this guy! He thinks he has it so tough having to put up with an introverted scientist and a buffoonish alien. Droll!
{Cut to a short goblin dressed in a suit.}
DROLL: Yes, my master?
????????: Make a note. Today is the last day that Chaos and his friends will rest easy. For it is on this day, that I, Debonair D'arque, will rise up and be the sword sent through their backs!
DROLL: How poetic.
{Debonair steps out of the dark to reveal a man with rotted flesh and a mostly visible skull, dressed in dapper and dusty clothing akin to what Droll is wearing.}
DEBONAIR: They all deserve it after doing what they did to me. I have a bone to pick with them.
DROLL: That shouldn't be too hard. You've got plenty of them left to use!
DEBONAIR: Just finish inking my note and send it in the mail. We have work to do.
DROLL: Of course.
DEBONAIR: We have to make sure that everyone is ready for tonight. Ladies!
{A troupe of undead showgirls walks out on the stage.}
DEBONAIR: Are we almost ready to begin running the show?
SHOWGIRLS: {In sweet, regular voices} Yes, Monsieur D'Arque.
DEBONAIR: Well, while I'm young! A 5-6-7-8!
{Cut to the mailbox. Droll pitter patters from the theater to the house before Chaos makes it to the mailbox and sticks a note in.}
CHAOS: I can't believe that there was an inconvenient roadblock that somehow took me 3 minutes to walk around! Either which way, it's mail time!
{Chaos retrieves the mail from the mailbox and walks back inside. Lex is in footie pajamas, eating cereal and watching TV.}
CHAOS: {groans} More town hall letters. Can you believe this?
LEX: I kind of can. They sort of run the town, you know...
CHAOS: But they demand so much of us! {mockingly} Oh, we need your opinion on the condition of our town's plumbing.
LEX: {looking into the kitchen, where there is some sort of tentacled monster stuck in the drain.}
CHAOS: "We need money to make sure your house doesn't get taken off the map!" "We need to take your money to make sure you have electricity." "We need you to get your passport renewed." "We need to know if you're harboring any people of infamy in the basement!"
{Vindicator begins to bang on the door furiously.}
CHAOS: Shut up, Vindi! I'm trying to make a point!
LEX: They only do that to make sure you're, you know, safe!
CHAOS: I lived through more enduring torture than anyone and have seen some pretty vile things. I think I can handle myself in most situations. {pulls out pipe.} Either way, I'll give the Town Hall what for, by sending them rude letters with our checks!
LEX: I'm sure the swear words and signatures in blood will go wonderfully with our fluffy kittens checks.
CHAOS: Let's not talk about the condition of the checkbook...
{Cut to Noxigar, in his lab. Daylight is about to crack, when suddenly a werewolf breaks the window in Noxigar's room.}
NOXIGAR: Not again. Chaos already had me go to Home Depot twice this week...
{The werewolf looks out in the window, and the sun is about to rise. The werewolf reverts to a human.}1
NOXIGAR: Who are you?
{The human gets up after a few minutes.}
???????: Name's Oiracul. It's good to meet you.
NOXIGAR: I thought werewolves were a scientific legend debunked as a myth. Once again I am proven wrong. Let's go downstairs and introduce you to my friends!
{Noxigar and Oiracul walk down the stairs. Chaos is reading the paper. Noxigar taps him on the shoulder, leading him to look up over at Oiracul.}
CHAOS: SWEET CAROLINE, WHAT DARK SCIENCES HAVE YOU WROUGHT, NOXIGAR?
{Chaos shuffles around and about Oiracul, poking, with a look of disdain and/or disgust on his face.}
LEX: Wait. This looks pretty tame for a Noxigar experiment.
OIRACUL: My name's Oiracul. And I am not a Noxigar experiment.
NOXIGAR: This werewolf decided to jump through my window.
LEX: A werewolf?! Shit, that's hella cool! Welcome to our manor, Oiracul!
CHAOS: As much as I would love to associate with more generic 1950's B-movie horror characters, I'm afraid that we need to make ends meet around here. You need a place to stay?
OIRACUL: Now that you mention it, I did find your ad in the papers. I didn't think I'd ever need to act on it, but I guess my lycanthropic aura thought I should take refuge here.
{Oiracul laughs, somewhat weakly. Chaos doesn't look amused, Lex is stuck in his perpetual smile, and when Oiracul looks at Noxigar, he just shrugs with a look of indifference. Oiracul's expression dims noticeably.}
OIRACUL: ...So I...I didn't bring any of my belongings with me. {nervously} How...how dumb! I shall travel back to Phoenixshire to go get them. Pardon me!
{Oiracul dashes through the door.}
LEX: Man, we have a werewolf. That is so awesome! And by awesome, I mean it's very kinda terrifying.
CHAOS: {flatly} Yes, because werewolves make excellent house mates, don't they? {normal} As long as it doesn't try to devour me in my sleep, I'll be fine with it. But goddamn it, it better have good table manners. It's bad enough with you two around.
{Noxigar picks up a bowl of cereal laid out for him and tries to pour it all into a beaker, making a mess, and then promptly chugs it down. Lex smashes his face into the bowl, shattering it and furthering the mess. He appears otherwise unscathed.}
CHAOS: Sophistication beyond comprehension.
NOXIGAR: Intriguing. I didn't really get a whole lot of time to discern the werewolf's gender, but given my knowledge of wolf packs, I assumed Oiracul to be male until it covered its entire body in a blanket as soon as it saw me.
LEX: So the werewolf could be a girl?
NOXIGAR: Phoenixshire has an even male-female ratio of 1:1 when it comes to having researched their census.
CHAOS: {sarcastically} Okay, cool. Maybe when Oiracul comes back, we can take notes.
NOXIGAR: Well, let's hope it doesn't turn out like that troll in that webcomic, where its gender was retconned from female to male.2
CHAOS: You lost me again.
LEX: Sounds like that comic just had poor writers.
NOXIGAR: I can't imagine how some people live with themselves after writing some of the crap I've seen online.
LEX: It could be worse, they could have based the series around retconning from season to season!
NOXIGAR: Sounds like the worst series ever4. Welp, time for me to go to the garage to get some tools to fix my window. And maybe add a platform on there.
{Noxigar walks offscreen.}
LEX: Perhaps we should go get dressed for our inevitable shenanigans. Maybe we'll all become werewolves today!
CHAOS: Bite me.
LEX: {snide} Wow, so clever. You know, you don't have to be a constant downer.
CHAOS: No. I mean, if you become a werewolf, you should bite me. I don't mind werewolves.
LEX: Oh? Are you saying you're man, or {chuckle} wolf enough?
CHAOS: I do suppose I walked into that one.
{Cut to the exterior of the house. A time lapse of Noxigar retrieving tools and repairing his window as the sun swings around occurs. Cut to the living room, where Chaos has emerged. He pulls out his pipe and proceeds to light it.}
CHAOS: Lex, appear!
{Lex is summoned by dark invocation.}
CHAOS: How much did that cost?
LEX: Two G's. But don't worry, that covered enough for me to do it at least twice more.
CHAOS: You need to stop spending all your time and resources on those. It's going to be really hard to pay the bills when all you make is explosions.
LEX: I need the flash and the bang, if you know what I mean! So, what's the ish?
CHAOS: Well, I perused the mail, only to find that we've been invited to a showing at the theater across the street!
LEX: The theater that hasn't been used in like, a decade?
CHAOS: Some people pull renovation events.
LEX: Okay...you don't find this a tad odd?
CHAOS: You and Noxigar have destroyed my definition of odd. Now, do you want to enjoy a fun night of entertainment and humor over candlelight?
LEX: What about Noxigar?
CHAOS: He wanted to build that addition to the lab. We'll ask him, but I can't guarantee a yes or a no.
{Noxigar comes back with a cart full of wooden planks and construction tools.}
NOXIGAR: What are we talking about now?
LEX: We were about to go to the show at that old theatre that hasn't been used in a decade.
NOXIGAR: What's the movie being shown?
CHAOS: Says here they're not doing a movie...they have a creative piece set up by a Mr. Debonair D'Arque. D'Arque...where have I heard that name?
NOXIGAR: D'Arque? Sounds like he should run a mental institution.5
CHAOS: Sounds like he should be in a mental institution. But, this guy is giving us a free meal and it says beautiful women and fun times. I like at least two of those three things6. So let's just slap on our best suits and say hello. We can catch a free meal and if we want to enjoy the show, who's to stop us?
{Cut to D'Arque, watching on his crystal ball. He madly cackles.}
{Cut back.}
NOXIGAR: Hmph. I get the feeling I should sit this one out. Mostly because if Oiracul comes back, someone needs to be able to greet him/her. Also, I posted an advertisement to see if we could get new guests. Maybe bring back this Monsieur D'Arque guy over for tea, Pepsi, and hamburgers? I'll ready the grill.
CHAOS: As much as I'm sure he'd enjoy the American Thank You, if were to be so bold then we'd probably want to treat him to something more... Ritzy.
LEX: I have a whole box of Ritz crackers! Let's just add those on the side...
CHAOS: Come now! We can't all be that uncultured! We'll treat him to tea, maybe some finger foods; we don't even know the guy yet! Besides, I received a call from this stranger who said he was looking for a place to stay. He tried to give me a sob story. I couldn't tell how serious he was. I just sort of told him to stop by tomorrow. I didn't catch his name, but he said we'd know him when we saw him. Just make sure that Oiracul doesn't jump two stories again, because we can't afford all the glass in the world.
NOXIGAR: I wonder what Oiracul was up to...
{Chaos and Lex depart for the D'Arque theatre as Noxigar approaches the kitchen. Noxigar rifles through the fridge, getting some bacon, lettuce, tomato, and bread. He places these all on a plate whilst he gets some mayonnaise. He then eats the BLT after putting mayonnaise on it. Cut to Chaos and Lex driving to the theater in a Rolls-Royce.}
CHAOS: Would you care to tell me, how in hell did you manage to get this car, anyway?
LEX: I have my methods.
CHAOS: You stole it, didn't you?
LEX: My methods may be dubious, yes, but that doesn't matter. What matters now is that we have a Rolls-Royce! Whoo!
CHAOS: If you get arrested, you're gonna have to be really close to Noxigar. I'm not bailing you out.
LEX: What, you don't think you're going to get arrested alongside me?
CHAOS: I'd have a snide remark, but I think I've exhausted all my really good responses last episode.
LEX: Nah, not all of them.
CHAOS: How would I get arrested alongside you?
LEX: Because you're in the stolen car, too?
{The car stops, having made it to the theater. Chaos promptly exits the car, with Lex following.}
CHAOS: {Under his breath} It is a rather nice car, however...
LEX: What was that?
CHAOS: Nothing, carry on.
[Chaos and Lex walk inside. The entryway is ruined and dilapidated as parts of it have clearly fallen through.}
CHAOS: Wow, I love the haunted house theme!
LEX: Halloween was like, a month ago...
CHAOS: Some people are dedicated to the art, my friend.
LEX: Seems less like a Rogers and Hammerstein and more like Picasso. If Picasso was perhaps blind, and sedated.
CHAOS: Oh please, you need to tear down that fourth wall and look beyond it all! It's just a theme, I promise...
{Droll slides down the stairs.}
CHAOS: Who in the hell are you?
DROLL: {Pulling out a small scroll and unrolling it} Ladies, Gentlemen, and uh...{Cut to Chaos and Lex in their fancy clothing.} You two. {Cut back} We welcome you to a night of dinner, dancing, and art, as we proudly present Monsieur D'Arque's show!
LEX: Dancing? But we didn't even bring dates!
CHAOS: It's OK, Lex, we can dance with each other...{grabs Lex by the shoulder. Lex looks visibly concerned.}
DROLL: Worry not. We have plenty of other guests here for you to socialize with.
CHAOS: You mean you actually managed to push the invitation? I mean, this thing arrived in the mail for me today. I assume that was the case with all the other invitations.
DROLL: Be that as it may, we have a tight following who would...{giggles} Die for us!
LEX: Nobody loves theater that much...
CHAOS: Come on Lex, what could it hurt to meet some fine ladies?
{Chaos and Lex are lead upstairs by Droll, avoiding holes. They all get to the door, at which point Droll opens it to reveal a ballroom full of undead men and women, dressed in dapper attire.}
LEX: You know, dancing with you doesn't seem like a bad idea...
CHAOS: Play it cool. We'll squeak this by.
{Chaos walks up to one of the girls.}
CHAOS: So, are you enjoying the night so far?
UNDEAD: Of course, I love the shows Monsieur D'Arque puts on!
CHAOS: Wait, he does this...frequently? We've lived across the street for at least 4 years, and it doesn't look like much goes on over here...
UNDEAD: It's a rather exclusive deal. Invitation only.
CHAOS: Say, I think I may have heard this name before, D'Arque, do you happen to know any other things he many be known for?
UNDEAD: Well, he-{Her jaw is knocked off. Cut to Droll, holding a slingshot and giving her a scowl.}
CHAOS: Oh, goodness! Let me get that for you.
{He places her jaw back on.}
CHAOS: I didn't mean to trouble you so much, so please, enjoy your night.
UNDEAD: Oh, it's fine. Droll's just that way, you see.
UNDEAD 2: Yep, she used to date him.
UNDEAD: Yep. He always uses that slingshot in case someone got too close... so I told him he had to stop being so jealous of every other person.
CHAOS: Hmm, you know who likes the undead?
LEX: Who, Chaos?
CHAOS: Noxigar. He loves them undead people. {The girls' faces light up} He tried to play one in a neighborhood-round Dungeons and Dragons campaign, but the Dungeon Master wouldn't let him.
LEX: Wait, why?
CHAOS: There are no undead playables. and also no necromancers as a playable class.
LEX: Oh. That sucks for him, I guess.
UNDEAD: I'm sure he's just upset, that Droll.
CHAOS: Upset, sure. Ma'am, why don't you dance with my friend? {pushes Lex into Undead.}
LEX: Hey!
UNDEAD: OK!
LEX: Wait, I can't dance!
{Cut back to Noxigar for a tiny bit. He is setting up the wooden platform outside his window.}
NOXIGAR: Man I hope Chaos and Lex are okay. This whole soiree seems a little out of the blue in my opinion.
{Noxigar has finished repairing the window and climbs inside. Noxigar taps his foot on the floor twice. A circular platform around Noxigar appears and sinks into the ground. Noxigar arrives in his newly-christened lab.}
NOXIGAR: The ultimate culmination of my long, restless nights and personal resources! Now, I can finally get into some serious mad sciences!
{The doorbell rings. Zoom out to Noxigar's full profile. He instantly sinks into depression.}
NOXIGAR: Damn it all.
{Noxigar retreats upstairs in defeat. Cut to Lex and the Undead dancing.}
UNDEAD: You actually dance quite well.
LEX: You're the first person to tell me that.
UNDEAD: Aww....
{Undead proceeds to kiss Lex, who tries to recoil, to no avail. Chaos is busy giggling like a madman. He gets hit in the back of the head by a random undead.}
UNDEAD MALE: Hey, she was my date! I won't let you take her!
CHAOS: Hey, want to hear a funny joke?
{Cut to Lex, dancing with the undead. Chaos slides around the room on the body of the undead male, which appears to have lost it's head.}
LEX: I can't say I'm not creeped out by this whole ordeal. Never kissed a zombie before.
UNDEAD: Don't say that! I hate that word, it's so insensitive! I was human too, you know!
LEX: Oh, my apologies. It's just hard to imagine you as a human, with the ghoulish features and all.
UNDEAD: Oh, it's fine. Being undead has its benefits.
LEX: What kind of benefits?
UNDEAD: Well, in a twist of irony, it's one of the closest things to immortality. There are other ways of achieving it, but they're usually complicated and expensive.
LEX: Interesting. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not trying to eat my brains. No offense.
UNDEAD: I promise you, the majority of us are not like that! The ones who do act like that usually have a reason for doing so. Whether it be brain decay, or just plain madness. Can't blame them, either. It must come off as such a shock to some of them that they just lose their minds! Poor things, really.
LEX: So... who owns this joint? Chaos told me we were to meet with the man in person tonight.
CHAOS: No you're not supposed to ask that question now. Lex, you dumbass.
LEX: What? I thought we were supposed to get to the point?
{Chaos shakes his head and sighs}
CHAOS: Pardon my friend here. Lex!
{Chaos drags Lex back to the wall where Chaos is standing around.}
CHAOS: {softer speaking} That Droll guy slingshot the girl you were talking to after she tried to tell us that kind of information!
LEX: {equally soft speaking} Okay, but I thought we wanted to know about the owner of the theater.
CHAOS: Okay, but seriously. Who the hell says "Who owns this joint?" anymore? This isn't the '80's.
LEX: It worked when that bar opened up over at Phoenixshire not too long ago.
CHAOS: That was two years ago you buffoon!
LEX: Speaking of dated terms...
CHAOS: Shut up! I'm trying to make a point here!
DROLL: Attention, guests, it's time to eat! Follow me to the stage!
{Everyone begins to line up and/or pile in. Chaos and Lex hang around in the back.}
DROLL: I hope your question wasn't answered while I was busy getting things ready.
CHAOS: Not hard when some of these people can't even talk!
DROLL: I know, such a shame. {looks back at the remains of the gentleman Chaos destroyed.} Oh dear, his date will be devastated.
LEX: Somehow, I'll feel she'll un-live on.
DROLL: Just don't go poking your heads around during the show. Monsieur D'Arque put a lot of work into this production!
CHAOS: Fine. We won't make a mess of the production, seeing as we were invited to it to begin with.
LEX: Awwww, I wanted to go backstage and meet this "Monsieur D'Arque"!
DROLL: Oh, you'll meet him alright...
{The scene opens up to a low-lit prepared dinner room with a stage consuming most of the atmosphere of the room.}
LEX: Man this Monsieur D'Arque's one sexy stranger.
{Chaos nods silently, then tilts his head upon hearing Lex's statement more fully.}
LEX: You know, he's intriguing and eccentric, but he's also rocking and knows how to hang loose. A sexy stranger.
CHAOS: That's just not a good combination of words.
LEX: What? Sexy Stranger?
CHAOS: Stop saying that! You've only used it like, once before.
LEX: Well, never too early to establish character-specific stereotypes! That aside, when is the show starting? I'm shivering with antici-
CHAOS: PATION. Beat you to it. Nobody makes Rocky Horror references around here, except for me.
LEX: Hmph. Jerk. I wasn't even thinking of making a Rocky Horror reference.
CHAOS: You weren't?
LEX: No.
{Chaos gives a weird glance to Lex. Cut back to Noxigar, making it down the stairs to get to the door.}
NOXIGAR: Just a moment!
{The doorbell rings again. Cut to right outside the house, to a short guy with pointy ears,}
???????: {under breath} I'm here about the house mate thing...I'm here about the-
{Noxigar opens the door. The stranger is obviously spooked.}
NOXIGAR: Can I help you?
???????: I-I-I-I'm Remolay, your friendly neighborhood traveling salesman, and I- {Noxigar slams the door} Dammit, Wrong pitch!
{Remolay rings the doorbell again}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} Look, I'm not interested in whatever it is.
REMOLAY: I'm actually here because I saw your advertisement. I kinda need a place to stay.
NOXIGAR: Oh, come in, come in! I'm Noxigar, I'm one of the housemates, and I do all the services in the house. The landlord and our official publicist are both out at a social outing, you know, pushing the bill. If you take a seat we can have something light to eat and talk until they return!
NOXIGAR: {to himself} Hmph, I wonder if this guest is an elf. Maybe I can get some leverage with Santa.
REMOLAY: What was that?
NOXIGAR: I said, "Right this way!"
{Cut back to Chaos and Lex, sitting at a table with looks of worn-out anger and apathy.}
CHAOS: I can't believe we're trapped in a psuedo-hostage situation with a goblin and a bunch of zombies.
LEX: It could be worse! We could- {he gives it a distinct amount of time, then stops trying to think.}
CHAOS: Now that I've proven my point, we should probably do something before-
DROLL: Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!
CHAOS: Son of a bitch.
{Cut to Droll, onstage.}
DROLL: Thank you for coming, we've got quite a show for you tonight! But first, allow me to introduce you to the man of the hour, Monsieur Debonair D'Arque!
{Droll scurries offstage. A drumroll is head, and D'Arque's head pops out from behind the curtain.}
DEBONAIR: Ooh! So lovely tonight, aren't we?
{The ladies wave their kerchiefs and squeal, and the guys begin to applaud. The hands of what appears to be the undead gentleman from before are also clapping, albeit without a body to support them.}
DEBONAIR: Well, we have quite a show lined up, and I'd like to introduce my stunning Rotten Belles!
{The curtains open, to reveal that D'Arque has removed his coat, revealing a vest, cuffs, a tie, and nothing else on his upper body. Behind him are 6 girls who are undead, but more noticeably attractive than the girls in the audience, and all are dressed in similar uniform.}
DEBONAIR: Rosie, Lulu, Frenchie, Texas, Fritzy, and Helga!
{Intricate lights begin to fill the stage.}
CHAOS: This guy's a tad too dedicated to this art, don't you think?
{Droll comes in riding a serving tray of food. He drops food off on Chaos and Lex's table.}
DROLL: Please, eat! We only live to serve.
LEX: Sorry, Chaos, ears are listening, but the stomach isn't!
{Chaos sighs.}
DROLL: Would you like a menu for the main course? It would seem I've only given you our standard appetizer. It's too bad the others don't seem to particularly enjoy any of the other appetizers, or we'd have a menu for them!
CHAOS: Just curious. What exactly is the point of serving food, if the only people in this place happen to be undead?
DROLL: Most of it is just for show, to be honest. It enhances the atmosphere for the audience. Even if they can't eat any of it, it's still nice to pretend.
LEX: Yeah yeah, a little less conversation, and a little more serving me food, please.
DROLL: As you wish, sir.
CHAOS: I really wish I could say that I'm disturbed by all of this, but I'm not, for some weird reason.
LEX: Well, Ghoulies are people too. Just.. ancient, decrepit, and abominable, yearning for the days where they were fully flesh and breathing, but knowing that those days are over and they now have to deal with being immortal shells of what they used to be.
UNDEAD MAN: Speak for yourself, dear! I've been dead for 120 years now, and I'm just loving it! It's given me a new lease on life! Well, what little of it I actually have nowadays!
LEX: Oh, never mind then.
CHAOS: Hmph. Still doesn't change the fact that we're being held prisoner in an old theater. What does this man even want with us, anyway?
{Debonair, after a couple hours, brings forth a microphone and turns it on.}
DEBONAIR: I want...
{Debonair's showgirls start dancing, with everyone else clapping. Whilst the other undead seem obviously distracted, D'Arque hops down from the stage.}
DEBONAIR: Karmic retribution!
CHAOS: What for?
LEX: Yeah, we don't exactly know you.
DEBONAIR: Oh, but we have a bigger quarrel between all of us than you could possibly imagine.
{Debonair hops down from the stage and begins to strut towards Chaos and Lex. His showgirls engross the stage and begin doing complex dance moves.}
CHAOS: This guy was already uncomfortable what with being dead, but this just takes the cake.
DEBONAIR: You're one to talk!
CHAOS: That's really all I have to say, considering I have no idea who you are and what you want.
DEBONAIR: Well, you see, I play a big role in some of the things that go on in this town. I've lived here for almost ever, and as you might be able to tell, I'm a big supporter of the arts.
CHAOS: Lived here forever...?...
DEBONAIR: My family has quite a pull in this town. We may or may not be the oldest family here. Well, we were until I died. Too bad I can't have my people push those death certificates under a desk.
CHAOS: Your people...oldest family...desk jobs...death...
LEX: Oh, are we playing Seven Degrees? Uh, Potato, Vegetable, Food, Lobster, Theater, Lex! There! I win!
CHAOS: Run.
LEX: Huh?
CHAOS: Pick up your food scraps and beat feet, goddamnit!
{Chaos picks Lex up, who grabs onto his food, and begins to run. D'arque snaps his fingers and all of the undead guests rise and begin to chase them. Cut back to Noxigar and Remolay.}
NOXIGAR: So, besides pack presents and clean up after reindeer, what do you do for a living?
REMOLAY: Well, I-{Remolay pauses to think about what Noxigar just said.} Er, right now? I'm pretty sure I'm a door to door salesman. At least I think so. I don't even remember what I'm supposed to be selling. Jobs and I don't really click.
NOXIGAR: Oh, is it because you're a stubborn cynical asshole, like everyone in this house?
REMOLAY: Not really, no. I just have terrible luck with these things.
NOXIGAR: Well, count yourself lucky you're not on the job wheel. Like I am. Everywhere. I kind of own the entire wheel now.
REMOLAY: Sounds like too much work.
NOXIGAR: Well, see, there's your problem. As long as you can bring in $350 a month, you'll have a room here. Chaos was very clear about that.
REMOLAY: That's usually all I make. You guys'll cover living expenses, right?
NOXIGAR: Pfft, if you can call all of that living.
REMOLAY: Is that a no?
NOXIGAR: Mmm...we'll think about it. Now come, I can give you a room and help you move in!
{Remolay starts up the stairs.}
NOXIGAR: Why someone would take a vacation from the North Pole to come to a place like Towningdale confounds me. Maybe he packed some Santa things in his luggage!
{Noxigar skips out of the scene. Cut back to Chaos and Lex.}
LEX: You know, Chaos? Being chased by ghouls isn't exactly what I would consider a "pleasant evening"!
CHAOS: It's not as if we came here expecting this, you know! Just run, goddamn it!
{The two run, as the undead are chasing them. Lex knocks over nearby chairs and tables as a way of creating an obstacle for the pursuers. Chaos smirks.}
CHAOS: Looks like your recklessness is actually proving to be a benefit for once.
LEX: Oh, shaddup!
{Lex and Chaos continue running, when Lex gets a good idea after looking at the ceiling and all of the drain pumps. He then notices a fire alarm nearby, and pulls it. The entire building becomes wet, and an alarm can be heard within earshot of the neighborhood. Cut to Noxigar, carrying Remolay's luggage. He turns around and hits Remolay in the gut, knocking him over.}
NOXIGAR: Whimsical Wellsprings, Remolay! The gang's in trouble!
REMOLAY: I think you punctured my pancreas.
NOXIGAR: We have to...not care about what the others are doing and finish getting you settled in!
{Noxigar walks away from Remolay, smacking him in the face this time. Remolay starts hyperventilating. Cut back to Lex and Chaos, who emerge from the water.}
CHAOS: Okay, what was the point of that?
LEX: Well the undead will probably drown!
CHAOS: They don't breathe, and can't suffocate.
LEX: Oh. Well at least it will slow them down!
{Undead begin to emerge akin to Chaos and Lex.}
LEX: Bocchie Bollocks.
CHAOS: Come on, Lex, we can escape through the hole in the roof!
LEX: You think we would've noticed the giant hole in the ceiling, what with it being, you know, right there.
CHAOS: Semantics for another time, man. Swim!
{Chaos and Lex approach the hole in the ceiling and try to climb it. Cut back to Noxigar and Remolay, who has finished unpacking in a guest room. Remolay has an icepack over his head.}
NOXIGAR: You surprisingly packed little.
REMOLAY: I just need a temporary hold-out until my sales gain me a net positive profit.
NOXIGAR: Understood. Does your pancreas still hurt?
REMOLAY: It hurts a bit.
{Noxigar goes into the guest bathroom and gets a couple Ibuprofen, as well as a can of Pepsi. He gives both to Remolay.}
NOXIGAR: Here. These should help.
{Noxigar looks out from the guest room's window.}
NOXIGAR: I wonder how Chaos and Lex are doing? That fire alarm doesn't sound good.
{Noxigar notices firemen and police officers parked outside of the theatre.}
NOXIGAR: This looks mildly interesting. I wonder what those two have gotten themselves into.
REMOLAY: {under breath} Did he really give me a Pepsi to ail my pancreas?
{Noxigar stares daggers at Remolay, who falls down in fear and begins chugging the Pepsi. Cut back to Chaos and Lex, who are now standing on the roof of the theater, soaking wet.}
LEX: Chaos, now I'm sure that coming here wasn't the best of ideas. I mean, the food and entertainment were pretty good, but that Debonair guy is a massive dick. I still have no idea what his problem is!
CHAOS: I do, I understand it all now.
LEX: Please, enlighten me.
CHAOS: Think about it; How does the oldest person in the town get authorization to use a run-down theater that his family owned to host an event where he raises the dead and breaks several health and safety hazards without the town caring?
LEX: What you're trying to say is that he has pull in this town.
CHAOS: For one reason and one reason only.
LEX: Which is?
CHAOS: The D'Arques-
DEBONAIR: The D'Arques own Town Hall.
{Debonair appears to have made it to the roof.}
DEBONAIR: I practically helped make this town as a young boy, so my influence here is unimaginable. Hell, our family had a theater named after us! And when I died I simply instructed them to flush large amounts of money into making me undead. The town paid for my necromantic ritual, and the person they hired needed magical ties. That's where Droll came in.
CHAOS: You knew that I had a profuse hatred of Town Hall, which is why you wanted to intervene.
LEX: This is actually very nefarious. But what does it matter if one to three people hate you, D'Arque?
DEBONAIR: Because I still need to make money and you three have been causing a ruckus ever since you moved here. Don't think I don't know what goes on in your house. Now, I need to take something in return.
{Debonair snaps and the undead begin to burst through the roof. They grab Chaos but fail to catch Lex, who is able to hop off the side to safety.}
LEX: Oh, no, Chaos!
{The cops pick Lex up and swarm the theater. Lex is carried incredibly far away. Cut to later that night. Lex is sitting defeated, on the couch, in his ruined tuxedo.}
TELEVISION: After an incident at the D'Arque Theater, one Abraxas Malifact was taken into police custody. D'Arque has accused him of breaking and entering and disturbing the peace during his Benefit for Lepresy performance. D'Arque refused to be interviewed about the subject.
LEX: That's it. Chaos is in jail7 and D'Arque wins. I don't think there's anything I can possibly do. UNLESS-
{Lex rises and rubs his hands together before clapping them.}
LEX: Chaos, APPEAR!
{In a puff of dark smoke, Chaos appears, with a tattered suit and in chains.}
CHAOS: Maybe that was worth the $2000 dollars it took to make.
LEX: Yay! I made movie magic!
{Noxigar and Remolay come downstairs.}
NOXIGAR: Oh, hey Chaos, Lex. This is Remolay. I've persuaded him that this would be a suitable house to live in while he's on vacation from the North Pole until the winter.
REMOLAY: Actually, I said I'm not an elf and I'm a travel-
NOXIGAR: Yeah, I wasn't even listening. Anyways, I've set up his room and he's given me first and last month's.
CHAOS: Well it's good to know that the rooms have been circulating. Now we can afford to take Vindi to the vet for his shots.
LEX: Welcome to the house, Remolay! I hope you enjoy your stay!
CHAOS: Yes, we shall eat well tonight to honor our newest houseguest!
LEX: Say, wasn't there a werewolf or something running around? I bet we can drive a hard bargain and sell another room.
{The doorbell rings.}
NOXIGAR: {enthusiastically} I'll get it!
{Noxigar opens the door to find Oiracul with all of it's suitcases.}
NOXIGAR: Good to see you again, Oiracul.
OIRACUL: Likewise. I've had a rough day and could use some sleep.
LEX: Frankly, I'm surprised you're not nocturnal.
{Noxigar helps Oiracul up the stairs in terms of luggage, then comes back down.}
CHAOS: The more, the merrier. Come on, I'll cook us up some dinner, without the undead everywhere.
{Lex and Chaos begin laughing while Noxigar and Remolay give them a weird look. The shot then rises to the top of the ceiling.}
NOXIGAR: I don't get it.
{END.}
1. I love Daylight Savings Time.
2. Ctrl+Alt+Del, if I recall.3
3. Nope. PvP was the webcomic that had a troll whose gender was retconned from male to female to male. It's just as awful as Ctrl Alt Del, so I can understand the confusion.
4. Not a self-reference at all. ;X
5. From Beauty and The Beast, Monsieur D'Arque owns the asylum they wanted to drag Belle's father to. Maybe clever selling points on the character? Maybe foreshadowing? We'll never know.
6. It's probably not beautiful women.
7. Talk about coinkydink.
