(even if you aren't vegan)


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Picking up right where we left off, one of the many new housemates is revealed - but is this stranger at the door the housemate in paradise that the gang filed a want-ad for?


{The episode opens with the ending of the last episode, with the new housemate being revealed. The look on their faces turns from an excited expression into a disappointing one as the new housemate is revealed to be none other than Raiku, decked out in his Protoman cosplay.}

RAIKU: Oh, hey guys! I was walking around town when I saw your advertisement. After realizing that it was you guys, I couldn't resist! So, here I am! I'm your new housemate!

CHAOS: Son of a gun.

RAIKU: No, silly! I'm the son of the devil! You know, Satan?

CHAOS: Y-yeah, I know. I was just-

{Before Chaos is able to finish the sentence, Raiku is already inside the house, with his suitcases inside and the door shut behind him.}

CHAOS: Raiku, I think we need to-

{Chaos is interrupted again, this time by Lex running up to Raiku and welcoming him.}

LEX: Hey dude, welcome to our home! I'll make sure you'll feel as happy and satisfied as possible!

CHAOS: Wait, no! No, no, no!

RAIKU: Yay! I think I'm going to like it here!

LEX: Here, I'll help you pack!

{Lex picks up Raiku's luggage, and they happily skip upstairs together}

CHAOS: I can't believe it. That asshole.

NOXIGAR: We only got him as a new housemate. That's actually pitiful. Perhaps I should get started on the newly-acquired chores.

{Noxigar walks toward a closet. He gathers a Swiffer wetjet and begins mopping the kitchen floor.}

NOXIGAR: I might as well start on the kitchen before I make a mess eating barbecue ribs. Chaos, do you want anything to eat?

CHAOS: No. And put that thing away. Lex and I were going to discuss our new guest and the arrangements we must make.

NOXIGAR: Alright. Can I make water dance again? Last time it made the chores such a breather I did near everything with it.1

CHAOS: Sure, whatever.

NOXIGAR: At least I know never to forge your signatures ever again.

CHAOS: Damn right, you do!

NOXIGAR: What do we do with the devilspawn?

{Lex and Raiku arrive downstairs, having finished unpacking everything rather quickly.}

LEX: Well, one of the guest rooms is filled. Do we have any others?

CHAOS: No. I'm not too entirely sure why.

LEX: I'm sure other people will be around in a few weeks.

NOXIGAR: A wise way to put it, I suppose.

LEX: Um, Raiku? Where are you off to?

{Pan to Raiku heading back upstairs.}

RAIKU: I just got here from a long venture, so I considered getting some shut-eye.

LEX: Very well. Good night!

{Raiku immediately darts upstairs.}

CHAOS: We'll give Raiku a chance. One chance, though.

LEX: Sounds reasonable.

NOXIGAR: I don't quite know much about this guy, other than that he likes dressing up as Protoman and that he claims to be a devilspawn. I'll leave trying to turn him into a Dusk as a tertiary option, just to be safe.

CHAOS: No. No turning people into Dusks. That's just stupid as hell.

NOXIGAR: At least I have barbecue.

NARRATOR: No, it's "at least I have chicken". Damn it, Noxigar, if you're going to make your over-the-top nerdy references, at least do them correctly!2

NOXIGAR: The Narrator gets chicken. I get barbecue beef.

{Chaos shakes his head.}

CHAOS: Anyway, only one chance. Got it?

LEX: We give Noxigar multiple chances. Why can't we offer the same to Raiku?

CHAOS: Noxigar overpays for his mistakes. We don't even know if our new guest will be that affable. Also, Noxigar pays most of our bills with his zany experiments and attempts to audition for various theatre-related stuff.

LEX: Speaking of income, where do you work?

CHAOS: Look, my personal life isn't the plot of the episode. If Raiku pulls any lame excuses, you know the drill. One batshit insane guy-who-thinks-he's-something-he-isn't is a thing. Two I simply cannot stand!

LEX: Yeah, yeah.

CHAOS: If he messes up in any way, I'm blaming you for it. Understood?

{Lex grins at Chaos in a way that looks both fake and condescending. Chaos scowls at him.}

LEX: Relax. I've got this handled. If there's one thing you should know, it's that I'm an excellent judge of character.

CHAOS: Riiiiiiiight. I'm just saying. He's your responsibility.

LEX: I don't even understand why we put him through so much. He just wants to live in the house!

CHAOS: Because the last time we let someone do whatever they want in this house they went crazy and are now locked in the basement.

LEX: Oh, don't remind me.

CHAOS: I just care for the well being of this house, and all of its inhabitants. Speaking of the house, what guest room did you put him in?

LEX: Well, the one of the two rooms were full of Cabbage Patch Kids and Beanie Babies, and the other had lots of Objet D'art. I just threw his stuff into your room. Surprise! He's your new bunkmate!

{Chaos' confident expression is shattered. Cut to Lex's room, where Chaos begins pushing Lex's things into the hallway.}

LEX: A little too extreme, aren't we?

CHAOS: You may want to move all of this into your and Raiku's room. Noxigar will be pissed if you let it sit here and collect dust. He might just throw it into his furnace again!

LEX: Not again...

{Cut to a scene of Lex entering Noxigar's Lab.}

LEX: Hey, 'Ciggy, have you seen my life-sized model of the Yellow Submarine made to commemorate the movies' 40th birthday?

{Noxigar is jamming it into the furnace. His head twists around in an unnatural way.}


{Lex is standing on a chair, readying his noose.}

LEX: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

{Cut back.}

CHAOS: We had to gather the seven Dragon Balls to bring you back to life!

LEX: They would've really come in handy for when the Mega Shadow Dragons got absorbed by Cell.

CHAOS: Wait, what?

LEX: Mixing random plotlines from other shows together aside, why are you so disapproving of him?

CHAOS: Gee, I don't know. It can't have anything to do with the fact that he seriously believes that he's the son of Satan, or the fact that he believes that dressing up like a video game character is fashionable, or that his name is nothing but a bunch of random syllables mashed together to sound Japanese. I've been to Japan, Lex. "Samiyaza" is not a Japanese name, for god's sake! And you know his first name? HE GOT IT FROM A POKEMON.

LEX: But-

CHAOS: And to top it off? He watches Power Rangers. Power Rangers, dude. WHO WATCHES POWER RANGERS ANYMORE?

LEX: Still, though. He can't be that bad.

CHAOS: He's a danger to us, Lex. This man is not to be trusted, not one bit. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE HE'S INSANE, DAMN IT. THIS MAN IS ONE CARD SHORT OF A FULL DECK, AND I SWEAR TO GOD, HE WILL DEFINITELY DO SOMETHING-

LEX: But we need some of that in the house! It will counter-balance us all, I mean, it's not like there's never been a crazy person in the house before.

{A profuse banging can be heard from the basement.}

CHAOS: Speaking of, it's time you fed Vindi. I had to do it already. Go give him his supper so we can all have supper.

LEX: Oh boy!

CHAOS: You have to sit next to Raiku and keep him calm, cool, and collected.

LEX: Can do!

{Cut to a large dinner hall. The table has seven seats, including one set up at the end that nobody is sitting in. It looks old and weathered, implying that it hasn't been used in a long time.}

CHAOS: So I've decided that we shall start with some bread and a light bowl of soup to lead into a dish of steak with rice pilaf. We then vote on dessert or something.

NOXIGAR: I'm surprised you're allowed to cook. You could load up the food with demonic evil and kill us all!

CHAOS: You mean what you tried to do to us some time ago?

NOXIGAR: I wanted to see if it would make us stronger. I would've gotten away with it if you didn't catch me!

CHAOS: Not hard to do when you're trying to scrape off a piece of the inside of my mouth.

{Lex and Raiku enter. Lex is in elegant night clothing, and Raiku is no longer wearing his helmet, but simply has a suit over his regular cosplay outfit. They sit next to each other, opposite Chaos.}

CHAOS: Good choice of seats, gentlemen. Did we bring our appetites?

RAIKU: I sure did, Mr. C!

{Lex pulls out a pipe and starts smoking it, like a 1950's husband}

LEX: See how polite he is? He's a fine lad.

RAIKU: Yeah! I'm a good demon!

NOXIGAR: Wait a sec! Why are you guys smoking at the dinner table?

CHAOS: Because he's using a pipe, and pipes are classy. It's okay to violate social taboo, as long as you're doing it in a way that's stylish and elegant.

{Chaos pulls out his pipe to match Lex's.}

CHAOS: Now, let's eat!

{Noxigar begins grabbing various portions of a rotisserie steak from one of the plates, takes out a fork, knife, and some napkins, and proceeds to chow down. Very hastily he cuts he portions into smaller bits and begins stuffing them in his mouth. He then swallows all the pieces of steak at once.}

NOXIGAR: This is delicious! I like the extra peppery flavour.

{Noxigar continues eating steak. He then goes into the kitchen's drawers and makes himself a salad to put his steak in, as well as getting some A1 steak sauce for the salad and rice pilaf in question. Afterward, he continues chowing down while mixing all of the different foods together. Lex looks at him peculiarly after he has finished.}

NOXIGAR: You did say to bring appetites, did you not? I didn't really eat lunch.


NOXIGAR: Dude, I was busy with auditioning for various theatre auditions. Did you know I got kicked out for trying to sing Masquerade in soprano today in twelve theatres?

LEX: You're a guy. You'd call that countertenor.

RAIKU: Or falsetto, more realistically.

{Noxigar stands on his chair, shocked at Raiku's words.}

NOXIGAR: You did not just call my high singing "falsetto"... that term shouldn't even exist, especially with how people define it! If head voice was to be nitpicked as such, then we're all guilty of it. SINGING IS HEAD VOICE AS OUR BRAIN CHEMICALS TELL US WHAT PITCH TO SING AT FROM THE JUMP.

LEX: Don't mind that, Raiku. Noxigar's a bit of a know-it-all sometimes.

RAIKU: More like delusional, if you ask me.

{Raiku and Lex chuckle at one another. Noxigar groans in fury.}

CHAOS: You're starting to get moody again, Noxigar.

NOXIGAR: I don't care! I shall go get more beef! The flavor is so enthralling!

{Noxigar leaves the table, comes back with a bag of Jack Link's beef jerkey}3

CHAOS: Dude, we haven't eaten dessert.

NOXIGAR: This beef jerkey is my dessert.

CHAOS: Not this again.

{Noxigar dashes upstairs before Chaos can say anything else.}

RAIKU: I get the feeling I pissed him off. I thought I learned how to interact with pure humans...

LEX: Worry not. In a couple hours, Noxigar will return to get ice cream.

{Pan upward to Noxigar holing himself up in the lab. He then takes out some paper and begins writing.}

NOXIGAR: I must report Raiku's presence to the others...

{Noxigar gets out a pen.}

NOXIGAR: ...starting with Zoidberg. He directed one of the Phantom of the Opera plays I watched, and it was quite the rock opera!

{Cut back to the dinner table. Chaos is having a chat with Raiku, while Lex is bringing the ice cream.}

CHAOS: So, Raiku. How are you liking it here so far?

RAIKU: Well, I think it's absolutely marvelous! Everyone's so kind and helpful!

CHAOS: Right. Let's just cut to the chase. What exactly do you bring to the table?

RAIKU: What do you mean?

CHAOS: You know; what are you good for? For example, Lex here. He's our host. He helps with special arrangements and such. Or Noxigar, who's our token scientist. And me, do you know what I do?

RAIKU: What?

CHAOS: Everything. {Pause} Well, a few things that are important. But never mind that. What do you do?

RAIKU: Oh. I'm unemployed!

CHAOS: What?

RAIKU: Oh yes, I have the government pay me large amounts of money for doing absolutely nothing. They call it welfare, but I like to call it my "freight train".

CHAOS: Freight train? Why?

RAIKU: Fun story, actually. You know the old song that goes "This train is bound for glory", right?

CHAOS: Y..yeah?

RAIKU: Well, it's about a hobo who travels on a freight train, and eventually becomes a successful musician. So in a way, the train helped him become more well off financially. So I compare my monthly allowance to a freight train because of it. It isn't complete luxury, but it helps sustain you. Do you get it?

CHAOS: I get it, but-

RAIKU: Chalk that idea to a spot of creative thinking!

{Lex arrives, balancing four bowls of ice cream on his body. He slowly, and gently puts each one on the table, before sitting down.}

LEX: I heard you two talking in the kitchen. It's nice to know that you two are getting on.

CHAOS: Yeah. He explained his, um... "imaginative" analogy to me.

{Chaos glances at Raiku wearily, and then looks back at his bowl.}

LEX: See? I knew it was a good idea, letting him stay.

{Cut back to Noxigar, who is getting all of this via a walkie-talkie attached to the bottom of the table, under Chaos' seat.}4

NOXIGAR: I've written a letter to Zoidberg, and to Namine... oh joy, the wonders of the postal service. I hope these people get these letters.

{Noxigar opens a corridor of darkness for each letter recipient, then just tosses the letters in their respective corridor.}

NOXIGAR: And that's how I budget my mail fees. By cutting out the middle man.

{Noxigar keeps the Chaos-Lex-Raiku channel on, so he can hear everything being said.}

NOXIGAR: {to the Narrator} I do this every time I leave Chaos and Lex to their own devices. I want to be sure their relationship is undeterred. Raiku cannot separate the two.

{Noxigar then writes up a lab report. Cut back to the dinner table.}

LEX: {yelling} Noxigar, come get your ice cream! It's going to melt in a couple hours, so I want you to enjoy it!

{Noxigar comes downstairs.}

NOXIGAR: You are so lucky I have a phobia of wasting food. Especially since most of our bills are food-related.

LEX: Hey, I keep the receipts.

CHAOS: Do not pin the last week's food bill on me!

{Raiku raises a hand. Noxigar sighs.}

NOXIGAR: Yes, new guest who thinks he's a devilspawn. What do you want?

RAIKU: I value my food, too. And my receipts thereof.

{Noxigar slightly smiles}

NOXIGAR: Maybe being a devilspawn is merely a malady for you, which I should probably pity more than be angry at.

{Noxigar approaches the last ice cream bowl, eats said bowl slowly to monitor Chaos and Lex's behaviour, then leaves after finishing the bowl.}

RAIKU: What's that guy's problem?

CHAOS: Don't worry, that's typical of Noxigar. He gets like that all the time.

{Noxigar heads upstairs and goes back into his room. He sits near his desk and hears conversation downstairs via the walkie-talkie system. Cut to the others, at the dinner table.}

CHAOS: But anyway, Raiku.. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I guess you're not that bad. My apologies if I've sounded cold, it's just that I didn't really trust you enough. Which is silly, now that I think of it. Seeing as I already live with two idiots. Anyway, welcome to our home.

RAIKU: You really mean it?

CHAOS: {sighs} Indeed, I do.

{Noxigar's anguished screams can be heard off-screen. The others try to ignore it as hard as they can. Cut to the outside of the house.}

NARRATOR: Raiku's unexpected appearance at the household took the gang by surprise. They had each expected Raiku to cause as much trouble as he possibly could, but this wasn't the case. In fact, his presence became a pleasantry; he showed himself to be just as productive as them. A month passed, and even Noxigar started to warm up to him. Little did they know, that the good times were now over, and they were now about to be in some deep shit.

{A disc scratching can be heard.}

NOXIGAR: {offscreen} Pff, I warm up to Raiku? Snowball's chance.

{Cut back to Noxigar's lab. He appears to be knitting some scarves.}

NOXIGAR: No, I'm just preparing for my favorite season: Winter!

{Noxigar continues knitting, eventually turning the scarves into sweaters-with-detachable-scarves over time}

NOXIGAR: At any rate, I had to keep myself in my lab for the entire month while subsisting on midnight snacks to do everyone else's chores.

{Cut to a montage of Noxigar taking the itinerary, forging his own name into every chore for the morning, keeping an alarm for midnight, when everyone else would be asleep, and proceeding to do each and every chore.}

NOXIGAR: And I had to borrow some of Raiku's crappy indie comics in order to assimilate powers from various antagonists. I forget which series I started with on this journey, but whatever.

{Noxigar takes several pages from said indie comics while proceeding to ignite the rest. The camera zooms out to reveal that Noxigar replaced the comics with facsimiles which don't look different at all.}

NOXIGAR: And now to use six of those powers. Lex and Chaos love the number seven a lot for some reason.

{Noxigar takes out a grocery list.}

NOXIGAR: Fireballs...

{Noxigar shudders.5. Afterwards a fireball appears out of nowhere and hits a bucket of water, dissipating.}

NOXIGAR: Skateboarding...

{Noxigar opens a window, and proceeds to take a skateboard and ride a ramp out the window... and lands flat onto the sidewalk, only slightly distant from a rail that was apparently the target due to a paper with a crosshair on it.}

NOXIGAR: Psychokinesis...

{Noxigar gets out a salad, manipulates the pieces of the salad with his mind, then stuffs the entire thing into his mouth. He swallows it whole, then lifts his desk without his hands.}

NOXIGAR: Shadow teleportation...

{Noxigar leaves a black cloud of smoke as he warps to a dummy version of Raiku, which gets sliced in half by Lindworm, a draconic spear.}6.

NOXIGAR: The ability to not fail at robotics...

{Noxigar successfully creates a robotic clone of himself, with even robotic parallels of all of Noxigar's organs, as he projects it downstairs to a supper session with Lex, Chaos, and Raiku.}

NOXIGAR: And a room of onyx insects which warp a person's mind however I see fit. Or Black Bug Room, if you're familiar with TVTropes.

{Noxigar just summons said room and the Narrator can be heard screaming in agony.}

NOXIGAR: Now, to make sure my month's worth of training and anti-depressants don't fail me!

{Noxigar heads downstairs, checking the itinerary.}

NOXIGAR: Wonderful. Everything is done. Now to get some sleep...

{Noxigar sleeps on the couch. Cut to the dawn of a new day, presumably after some noticeable shift in time. Noxigar slumbers while Chaos and Lex are at the door. Raiku is sitting at the piano, playing a tune for himself.}

CHAOS: Okay, Lex. It's time to go out and do our daily rounds.

LEX: What exactly do we do?

CHAOS: {retrieving a tweed for himself} Well, the episode guide says {pulling one hand out with a small booklet in it} that we go and do whatever we do, so I guess we can just...go get drunk and crash a car into a supermarket.

LEX: Like that time during Mardi Gras!

CHAOS: Grab the hotwire kit. We've got a fun day ahead of ourselves.

LEX: Should we do something about Noxigar? He's been getting mopier than usual, and he's drudging around the house.

CHAOS: He obviously has pent up rage that only alcohol could wash away. We'll pick him up a six-pack on the way home. Besides, it's not like he isn't doing anything; all the chores still get done.

LEX: Very well.

CHAOS: Come my fairweather friend. We shall release our inhibitions and then ram them into a building at fantastic speeds to see how many people we can flatten beneath us. Noxigar and his ensuing spotlight of depression will be fine.

LEX: Wait, shouldn't we bring Raiku with us? He's been so good to us that I think we should include him in our adventures.

RAIKU: You need not worry about me, guys! Go, have fun!

CHAOS: We'll buy you a cake in our drunken stupor. Now, Lex, quit dilly-dallying!

{Lex barely manages to pull a leather jacket off the coat-rack as Chaos drags him out the door, slamming it behind him. Raiku carries on with the music as Noxigar comes down the stairs.}

NOXIGAR: Hey, devilspawn! Can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep!

RAIKU: {Singing} We're all alone... Noxi.

NOXIGAR: Why are you singing?

RAIKU: We're all alone, Noxi!

Let's think of a game we can play,
while Lex and Chaos have both gone away!
It's not very fun, being-..

NOXIGAR: {Interrupting Raiku and causing the music to stop.} No, seriously. Stop it.

RAIKU: Hmph.. Killjoy.7.

{Noxigar tries to get back to sleep, first heading back upstairs to the couch he tries to sleep on, within the living room of the second floor. He tries falling into a deep sleep, but fails. He heads downstairs to the kitchen, and rifles through the refridgerator. Afterwards, he grabs a can of Pepsi and heads back upstairs.}

NOXIGAR: {thinking} Hmph, might as well keep everything in spitspot shape since Chaos and Lex left.

{A huge crash is heard coming from downstairs.}

NOXIGAR: Wait.. what was that sound?

{Noxigar rushes downstairs to find that Raiku has pushed the piano over, causing it to smash into pieces.}


RAIKU: {Shrugs, with an indifferent expression on his face} Meh, I felt like it.

NOXIGAR: Do you know how much that piano cost?

RAIKU: Enlighten me.

NOXIGAR: It's worth 75 grand, and it belonged to Lex. He told me that he bought it from an auction after finding out that it used to belong to David Bowie.

RAIKU: Pfft. That's nothing special. David Bowie is old news. You know who's hot shit nowadays? Rise Against.

NOXIGAR: That's besides the point! I knew from Day One that you were no good, Raiku. And I swear on my electronic-heart-substitute that the others will be informed of this!

{Noxigar goes into the foyer closet, grabs a skateboard, and opens the front door. He then runs, only to be electrocuted. The camera turns to reveal Raiku having changed into slimmer, more lightning-absorbant clothes.}

RAIKU: You'll have to do better than that.

{Raiku grabs Noxigar, closes the front door, and drags him upstairs. The skateboard gets run over by a car, and is crushed into tiny fragments.}

RAIKU: You like taking long bubble baths, so I figured I'd give you one final bubble bath before I send you to my dad's place.

{Noxigar shakes, trying to detach himself from Raiku's arms. He then does so, sending himself falling down all the flights of stairs. Noxigar gets up, reeling in pain. He then runs. Raiku chases after him by running down the stairs. Noxigar is nowhere to be found once he gets down.}

RAIKU: Noxigar? Where are you?

{The camera zooms out to reveal Noxigar having hid in a closet, rifling for something. He finds six Lindworms.}

NOXIGAR: {thinking} There you are. I need you guys now.

{Noxigar psychokinetically holds four Lindworms while holding one in each hand. Raiku smashes the closet door, though.}

RAIKU: Good thing I enjoy my prey while it's armed to the teeth.

NOXIGAR: Sadistic piece of-

{Raiku shoots lightning, missing Noxigar by a hair's length. Noxigar charges at him, psychokinetically sending one Lindworm his direction. Raiku grabs it and zaps, hurting Noxigar's telepathic connection to it. Noxigar ends up dropping all the Lindworms while he holds his head with both arms.}

RAIKU: That's nothing compared to my lovely little bath preparations.

{Raiku tries to grab Noxigar only for him to teleport away. Cut to reveal Noxigar in his room. He looks for a helmet in his closet, and finds a football helmet. Noxigar smiles, and puts the football helmet on. He dashes back downstairs to find Raiku holding all the Lindworms.}

RAIKU: {cackling} I have telekinesis, too!

{Raiku sends each Lindworm flying at Noxigar. One hits his left shoulder, while the others all miss. Noxigar is clearly bleeding from the shoulder wound.}

NOXIGAR: Damn it. I wanted to avoid confrontation with you, but you've left me no choice!

{Noxigar summons his green mace, and transforms it into a staff. From the staff, he sends out a pair of eyes which float near Raiku.}

NOXIGAR: These eyes see a person's true colours. I call them Fear's Eyes.

{The Fear's Eyes look at Raiku as though they are intimidated.}

RAIKU: Hmph. Seems they're scared. I wonder why?

{The Fear's Eyes dissipate.}

RAIKU: Well, now that those shenanigans are over...

{Raiku sends lightning at Noxigar, this time hitting him and sending him flying to the ground.}

RAIKU: You're getting dirty with all this fighting. Again, I am going to give you a nice bath.

{Raiku laughs wickedly as he approaches and grabs Noxigar, dragging him up the stairs. He then grabs a chair. Noxigar immediately tries to run down the stairs, but Raiku kicks him down before he can make the first step down. Noxigar falls down all the stairs, and reels in even more pain. Raiku then ties him to the chair using bathroom towels.}

RAIKU: It's just too bad I have nobody else to play with. Hah, nobody! That's what you are...

{Raiku places the chair Noxigar is unfortunately sitting in on the bathtub. The water on the bathtub runs for a bit, enough to slam Noxigar's entire head into submerging with the water itself. Raiku then lets out a tiny spark from his hands and electrocutes Noxigar. Anguished screams from Noxigar get loud, almost enough for Town Hall to hear. Cut to Chaos and Lex in the car about to run someone over.}

CHAOS: Wait just a moment. I heard those anguished screams many times before. Is Noxigar... okay?

LEX: He's fine.

CHAOS: I don't think so. His screams are louder than ever before.

LEX: Hmph, I didn't hear anything.

CHAOS: Must be me, I guess.

{Cut back to Noxigar, still tied to the chair.}

RAIKU: You're no fun now that you're no longer struggling to resist.

{Raiku takes Noxigar outside, after hearing raindrops from an open window.}

RAIKU: Oh, this will be lovely. You won't be able to fight me anymore, so now the house is all mine!

{Raiku throws Noxigar out the window, still in the chair. He falls, and the chair legs snap. Various dishes breaking and furniture being torn can be heard inside the manor. Noxigar starts to cough blood and he keels over, chair seat going with him. After a few hours, Raiku takes him back inside.}

RAIKU: So, how'd you like your bath?

{Noxigar spits blood at Raiku, some of it landing on Raiku's hands.}

RAIKU: Well, then. Let's go get the baseball bat.

{Raiku goes into the foyer closet. Noxigar frees himself after some time, if only using psychokinesis to do it. Once Raiku gets back, Noxigar shadow teleports to his room.}

RAIKU: Heh, why didn't you teleport spam before I tied you up? That'd have made my game a little bit more fun to play.

{Noxigar locks the door in his room. He uses more psychokinesis to get a medicine for which to heal himself with. He ingests the medicine and feels slightly better, enough to be able to stop coughing blood. He breathes a sigh of relief. However, Raiku swings his baseball bat at the door to Noxigar's room. The swing breaks the door in half.}

RAIKU: I said I wasn't done with you yet. Don't go away when I'm not finished with you!

{Noxigar sends a fireball aimed for Raiku's chest. However, Raiku swings the bat, and causes the fireball to be propelled back into Noxigar's direction. It breaks his window instead. Noxigar once again teleports all the way back downstairs. Noxigar looks back at the broken piano. The wires are exposed. A lightbulb appears over Noxigar's head, as he takes several piano wires. Using one at the bottom of the stairs, he makes several tripwires using the piano wire.}

NOXIGAR: I personally think David Bowie would be proud that his piano is being used as an instrument to save the world from a devilspawn. Oh well.

{Noxigar tries singing "Stairway to Heaven" in soprano. This provokes Raiku to come down the stairs and trip over each and every piano wire.}

NOXIGAR: {singing in soprano, still} If there's a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.

{Raiku can be found having electrocuted himself twice trying to kill Noxigar once and for all thanks to the piano wire.}

NOXIGAR: {stops singing} Karma's quite the bitch, ain't it? Well, then.

{Raiku takes out a Keyblade.}

RAIKU: Alright, playtime's over. Now you've got five seconds to bow before me. In my hands is a weapon you despise, and I will not hesitate to show you my true power! Prepare to be dead once and for all!

{Five seconds later, Raiku air dashes at Noxigar, who simply ducks. Raiku ends up dashing and hitting an empty cupboard. However, Noxigar tries to use all his Lindworms; they are pretty well-lodged into the foyer south wall. Only one can be used now, and it beckons to him. Raiku then jumps to Noxigar's y-axis and begins kicking him in the head repeatedly. Noxigar falls down, but not without the Lindworm hitting Raiku and cutting a good portion of his hair clean off. Both end up lying down. Zoom out to reveal trails of blood covering a good chunk of the manor, courtesy of Noxigar's shoulder wound. Chaos and Lex return home. Noxigar ends up coughing more blood on the ground, which is a telltale sign for Chaos.}

CHAOS: Noxigar, you're getting too much blood in the house. I'm calling a hospital right away.

{Noxigar tries to get up, but collapses. He then falls unconscious. While Lex attends to Raiku, Chaos calls a number on his cellphone.}

CHAOS: Hello? Yes, we have a bleeding person who's got quite the nasty shoulder wound. We need a hospital stat. I will pay for the expenses. Okay, bye.

{Chaos hangs up. He turns to see Raiku and Lex conversing with one another.}

CHAOS: Yeahhhhhhhh, this guy is a complete psycho, I knew it all along. Lex, get this dude out of here.

LEX: Wait a second, Chaos! I don't think it's his fault!

CHAOS: What in hellfire are you talking about? This has his name written all over it!

{Raiku, who is now back to wearing his flimsy cosplay, bursts into tears.}

RAIKU: It's not my fault at all, you gotta believe me! I'm the devil's son, and that means that sometimes my father likes to possess me and make me do evil things! I can't help what I do, I just do it! I'm so sorry, guys! So sorry! Plus - if you kick me out, I'll be homeless! I can't handle the outside world; I'd kill myself!

LEX: Oh my, you poor little thing! Don't worry, it's over now.

CHAOS: Please Lex, you cannot be this naive! Don't tell me you actually believe him, when he's visibly faking!

LEX: I know what it's like, Chaos. I've seen other people in situations like this, where nobody believed him. Let me tell you a story. About 40 years ago, I was friends with this certain man. I won't name names here, but I'll just say that this man was popular for quite a while. Well, until one day, when he was accused of being part of a plot to rig the United States Presidential Elections in his favour.

{Chaos rolls his eyes, while Lex continues his story.}

LEX: The evidence was against him completely. This man, who was loved before, was now the most hated man in America. When no one else believed in him, I was there. I still believed in him, despite what happened. I knew this man completely, and I knew he must've been innocent. Well, that's what I would've liked to say. Truth is, I gave up on him myself. And when I gave up on him, he was there with no leg to stand on, and he was forced to give up his position of power. All because I gave up hope. I'm not gonna let it happen again, Chaos! I'm going to believe in Raiku for as long as it takes, even if no one else does!

CHAOS: Congratulations. You have just gone full retard on me. I feel half my brain cells were exterminated as a result. Alright, I'll give him one more chance. If this happens again, I'll place all of the blame on you. I assure you, the consequences will never be the same.

LEX: This is implying Raiku will be left without proper supervision.

CHAOS: Lex, sometimes I want to strangle you. Do you realize that Noxigar is nearly dead because of Raiku?

RAIKU: What? He started it. He rudely tried to interrupt my piano playing.

CHAOS: He's been doing our chores in our sleep, and you interrupt his sleeping with your playing. Noxigar didn't start jack shit, son. No matter how much you want to believe that.

{Chaos goes upstairs and looks at the horror which is the guest bathroom. He shakes his head and sighs. Meanwhile, Lex looks to see his beloved piano in ruins.}

LEX: piano! Oh, good heavens, not my piano...

{Lex starts crying. Erstwhile, hospital personnel take Noxigar away, as he's still unconscious. Chaos follows the hospital personnel, taking with him some vials belonging to Noxigar. Now more time skips to the next day, with Noxigar in the dining room, sitting in the table. He eats some cereal while Chaos, Lex, and Raiku all discuss stuff. The atmosphere is an awkward one indeed.}

LEX: Anybody interested in going to the cinema?

CHAOS: {Glances at Raiku for second, and then at Lex.} Nah, I'll pass.

RAIKU: I'll go!

{Noxigar flinches upon hearing Raiku's cheery attitude. He then turns away in declination.}

LEX: Uh, we can go some other day. No movies I know of that I like are showing today.

{Awkward silence as both Noxigar and Chaos glare at Raiku, who is oblivious. Lex tries to break the ice by laughing, but it comes off as fake and unnatural. Chaos gets up from the table.}

CHAOS: I'll be right back. I just need to go over the road to buy a newspaper.

{Lex notices that Noxigar has finished his cereal. He gets up as well.}

LEX: Hey, do you want me to take the bowl back?

NOXIGAR: No, I'll do that myself. Thanks anyway.

{Noxigar picks up the bowl and puts it in the kitchen. He then leaves the room altogether.}

LEX: 'Ciggy...

{Noxigar goes up the stairs to his room and locks the door behind him. Cut to several hours later, where it is almost evening.}

NOXIGAR: And then this v vector becomes-

{Noxigar's door breaks again.}


{Raiku appears in the doorway with his Keyblade and electricity forme.}

RAIKU: It's about time you got a bath. From me.

{Noxigar teleports to the bottom of the stairs, leaving a trail of black smoke in his wake. In his hands holds a vial containing various unstable Nitrates.}

RAIKU: {offscreen} Come on, Noxi! I don't want to break the house much this time! Just be peaceful about it.

{Noxigar inhales and exhales heavily. Raiku air dashes, kneeing Noxigar in the stomach. He then proceeds to wail on him with electricity-enhanced swings from his Keyblade. Lex and Chaos arrive, just as Noxigar, from having too much pain going through at once, drops his vial of Nitrates. The vial breaks on contact with the floor and detonates. The resulting explosion wrecks the living room completely, and blows a chunk of the Manor's foyer. The smoke clears as Lex and Chaos are gazing at the carnage.}

RAIKU: ...Damn it. {Raiku gets up, staggering a bit while doing so. He's only just able to stand.} Hey Lex, I can explain everything. It ain't what it looks like.

LEX: Really now? Because it looks as if you just wrecked the house.

{Lex's expression turns into a sadistic smile. He looks back at Chaos and chuckles, who returns the gesture by nodding in approval. Lex walks over to Raiku and picks him up by the throat.}

RAIKU: {gasping for breath} Now now, don't be hasty! We can discuss this, right? You still trust me?

LEX: And make the same mistake twice? Don't be ridiculous.

{A light blue aura surrounds Lex's body as Raiku struggles to free himself. His efforts prove futile however, as his body starts to fade into another dimension, trapped for eternity.}

CHAOS: I find it rather embarrassing how long it took us to find out that Raiku was nothing but a complete bastard. Especially you, Lex. I can't believe you fell for it all.

{Chaos turns to Noxigar, who has finally gotten himself up from the floor}

CHAOS: Noxigar. I commend you for your sense of judgement, finding this man out when even I was fooled. Good job!

{Noxigar coughs, but lifts his head, smiles, and gives a thumbs up sign.}

CHAOS: But you've indirectly caused more damage to the house than he did, so you're really just as bad as Lex.

{Noxigar lowers his head in shame, and ditches the smile and thumbs up.}

CHAOS: Anyway, you two should go and relax while I try to think up a punishment that happens to be incredibly humiliating while also being constructive in a way. Oh, and Lex? If you don't mind me asking, where did you send Raiku?

LEX: I sent him to a place where no sane man would willingly enter. A domain that even Lucifer himself would have second thoughts about. Many people are sent here, but very little come out with their sanity intact. Raiku is sufficiently punished for his crimes, don't worry.

{Cut to Raiku waking up in a grassy meadow. He observes his surroundings, only to notice that he's in a dimension where everything looks like it's been poorly sketched in magic marker. He looks at himself, only to find that he's taken a new form, as a poorly drawn figure. Two figures approach him, and he turns around to face them. His face turns to sheer horror as he witnesses the abomination that is Sonichu.8.}

CHRIS CHAN: Gee whillickers, Sonichu! We have ourselves a new friend!

SONICHU: Wow, awesome!

RAIKU: It can't be...

CHRIS CHAN: Greetings, Sir! My name is Christian Weston Chandler, and I run this town as the mayor! This is my Electric Hedgehog Pokemon, Sonichu!


CHRIS CHAN: As CWCVille's newest citizen, I invite you to join me in my adventure to get a sweetheart from the ground up, and to help me crush the evil Mary Lee Walsh and her Jerkops!

SONICHU: Not only that, but we'll be fighting lots of DANG DIRTY TROLLS as well!

RAIKU: Trapped forever in this eternal nightmare... Those bastards! I will get them! I WILL DESTROY ALL OF THEM!!

{Raiku yells loudly as the camera zooms out, revealing the entirety of the hellhole known as CWCVille. Cut to Lex and Chaos.}

LEX: Well, Chaos, buddy, the lesson here is that friendship...

{Lex tries to ignore the camera as he nervously thinks of an ending. As he has a stroke of genius, the screen cuts to black.}


1. Not only does this take as an Org. XIII reference, but it also actually makes a good inverse for what happened in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". Yay for double references... I guess.

2. Two words: Leeroy. Jenkins.

3. Oh joy, one of my favorite snacks.

4. It's always sunny in Freight-Train-delphia.

5. Pyrophobia.

6. Lindworm is the official name for Xaldin's weapon in Kingdom Hearts 2.