(even if you aren't vegan)


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{Open the episode to the new streets of Midway. Contrary to its previous portrayals, the city is much more cleaner and pleasant looking, to the point of looking almost uncanny. Large crowds of people are gathered on both sides of the street, waiting for the grand event which is about to happen, while several of Rosenberg's utility bots are frantically rushing around the almost empty main road itself, picking up bits of trash and litter and scrubbing them clean with pressure hoses. Zoom out and pan over to reveal that the entire city has been completely scrubbed clean and that the city's old and grungy shade of grey has been transformed into a bright and clean-looking shade of white. Pan over to the city street's beginning, where several exquisite vehicles and parade floats stand, almost ready to take off. Zoom in on the biggest parade float, to reveal the Wikihood crew and Stephanie all standing around, looking amazing in formal wear. And of course, all around them are more utility bots, tending to several activities.}

STEPHANIE: Cheer up, Chaos! This is an amazing event! The product of your heroic achievements are being shown to the entire city. Doesn't that excite you?

CHAOS: To be honest, a simple handshake would have made me more excited than this.

SIRRUS: Yeah, this is nice and all, but...

{Sirrus points over to the right, and the camera pans over to reveal Snoop Lion, chilling out and sitting on the floor, smoking one up.}

SIRRUS: Who is this guy?

{Snoop Lion gives a thumbs up to Sirrus and grins.}

SNOOP LION: 'Suuuuup.

STEPHANIE: Oh. That's... um.. Snoop. He's gonna be headlining this parade with a musical performance.


STEPHANIE: Hey, don't ask me. Why don't you ask your friend?

{Stephanie points to Lex, and Chaos looks at him and sighs.}

CHAOS: Need I ask?

LEX: Well, while you guys left, I actually stuck around and talked to James a bit. You see, he-...

CHAOS: James? You're really in first name terms with this man?

LEX: Well, of course. He's not really that bad when you talk to him properly. I just found it amusing how he called his whole plan "The Next Episode", and I just had to do it. Quite frankly, I'm just as surprised as you that he was on board with this.

CHAOS: ...What did you do?

LEX: I convinced him to hire Snoop to headline the parade. Great, huh?

CHAOS: I just cannot understand you at times. The one thing I do not get here though is how we're going to be paraded around the streets, while Noxigar gets to skip out on the "celebration". Where the hell is he, anyway?

{Cut to the streets of Bluehaven. Noxigar is walking down the sidewalk, while on the phone.}

NOXIGAR: Alright. I'm here, just like you asked me to be. I even managed to skip out on Rosenberg's parade without anyone noticing, so you should be thankful for that.

OCEANNA: {Voice} I most certainly am. The old bastard won't notice one missing person, and even if he does, I doubt he'll do anything about it. The guy's getting his special theatrical show, and I guess that's good enough for him.

NOXIGAR: Oh, and in regard to everyone else, especially Steph... Thank you for not blowing the place sky high with them in it.

OCEANNA: You do not know how much I was considering doing so. Think of that as another one of my favors towards you. Besides, we have bigger fish to fry than Rosenberg. Don't think I'm going to let him off the hook that easily though.

NOXIGAR: His intentions really do seem genuine. But after the multiple incidents with D'Arque, you really can't trust anyone nowadays. I can't even trust Steph after the trick that she pulled. Still though; as long as Rosenberg seems to be working within our best interests, I think we can consider him the lesser of the two evils at the moment.

OCEANNA: I guess. But my advice? Keep a close eye on him at all times. The moment he does anything that's even remotely dodgy? You come straight back to me.

NOXIGAR: Will do. I'm heading to your apartment. I'll be there soon! PO Box Blightmamba No. 5, am I right?

OCEANNA: Yes! I'll see you in a few.

{Cut back to Midway City. The parade has now begun. Crowds of people are cheering as the parade floats move down the street. The Wikihood crew are at the main float, reluctantly waving to the crowds of admirers lining the sidewalk of the street. All this, while Snoop Lion performs to the crowds in an awesome spectacle that will be relayed to you, the readers, via this video.}

CHAOS: How much longer do we have to wave to these people?

STEPHANIE: Not much longer, Chaos. Just enough for the TV exposure. Just roll with it, and James'll be perfectly happy.

VENTIN: I don't know why you're complaining, I mean, we're getting a live performance by Snoop. Like, how much more awesome can this get?

LEX: I'm loving this, personally. My face is all over the television screens!!

VENTIN: Hold on, I need a smoke.

{She heads over near a few balloons, grabbing her lighter and a cigarette}

CHAOS: Uh, Ventin, wai-!

{As she lights the cigarette, a spark hits the balloon, causing it to explode, and explode the others in chain reaction. As the float slowly begins to explode, Snoop's rapping becomes louder, as he continues to rap, explosions behind him. The crowd cheers, as the entire float goes boom. Timeswipe a couple of hours forward, as we cut to the D'Arque theatre, where D'Arque, Droll, and Dane are all huddled around a tiny and obsolete television set, watching the media coverage of the parade onscreen. Seeing the carnage unfold, D'Arque literally jumps for joy, before almost falling apart on landing. Droll and Dane quickly grab a hold of him, in order to stabilize him.}

DROLL: Sir, what did I tell you about jumping for joy like that? You know it's not good for your already fragile bone structure. You shouldn't be up and about like that anyway.

DEBONAIR: Oh, forget about that, Droll! Don't you see what just happened? Rosenberg's parade! It was an absolute failure, much everything else associated with his name. It just makes me so damn giddy inside to see this happen. I feel like a baby with a new toy.

DROLL: And to think, he even brought those Wikihood simpletons along with him for the ride. Embarrassing them on national television. Classic!

DEBONAIR: It really is a large shame we couldn't have been there to see it all in person. Ah well. The satisfaction of it happening is good enough for me, anyway.

{Dane swats them both away from the television screen, peering closer to watch.}

DANE: Ey, holmes! I don't mean to rain on your parade like that, ya dig, but I'm still tryin' to watch the news coverage.

DEBONAIR: Oh, right. Of course. We still have to see what the broadcasters had to say about this! I have no doubt that it'll be horrible and scathing! Eeeeeee!!

{Pan over to the news on the TV, showing footage of the "disaster". Special Reporter Sarah Khoroushi is at the scene, providing coverage of the event.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Greetings, everyone. This is live news reporter Sarah Khoroushi, providing coverage of the special Midway City Parade, where the crowds got much more than they had expected!

DEBONAIR: {Offscreen} Ha! I'll bet!!

DANE: {Offscreen} Be quiet, man!

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: In a crazy spectacle of lights and fire, the entire parade had gone up in flames! In most cases, an incident like this would inevitably lead to disaster, but I am glad to report that this is far from the case.

DEBONAIR: {Offscreen} Yeah, I know-... what?!

{Reporter Khoroushi walks over to a nearby crowd of people, which includes none other than the governor of Listless himself, The Iron Sheik.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Attending the special parade was the state governor himself, Mr. Hossein Vasiri, more commonly known to everyone else as former wrestler turned politician, Iron Sheik. What do you have to say about this, Mr. Sheik?

{Reporter Khoroushi puts her mic to Iron Sheik, who begins babbling into it in his usual manner.}

IRON SHEIK: Parade was good!! Respect for Mr. Rosenberg for he is great man. He is real Iron Sheik class. He good. He is the intelligent Jew. He get the Sheik respect.

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: So, I take it that you like it?

IRON SHEIK: Like it? Of course I like it bubba don't ask silly question like that.

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: And your opinions on the special guest performance by none other than Snoop Lion?

IRON SHEIK: The Snoop Lion my black brother. I party with him one night in the Atlanta and he know I am the legend and not that jabroni The Hulk Hogan.

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Well, thank you for answering my questions, Mr. Sheik. It was pleasant speaking with you.

IRON SHEIK: You too my Iranian sister. And I express my love to you and to this state. Iron Sheik Class.

{Reporter Khoroushi turns back to the camera.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: There you have it, folks. The state governor is among many today who were pleased by this. I think we can all agree that with the "reopening" of Midway City, and this incredibly successful parade, that the future looks bright for the city, and even brighter for the citizens. And most importantly, the future looks bright for James Rosenberg and his enterprises. I do believe that the coming weeks will be most interesting indeed.

{The TV switches off. Pan back over to D'Arque and his crew. D'Arque is gazing at the TV screen in a silent stupor. His jaw is so wide open that it eventually falls off. The moment Droll picks it back up from the floor and reattaches it to his head, D'Arque's demeanor explodes in a moment of fury.}


DROLL: Oh my, sir. I haven't seen you this furious for a while, now. Do you want me to prepare you a hot bone bath?


{D'Arque tries to pick the TV up so that he can throw it across the theatre, but fails on the basis of not having any muscles whatsoever. He lets out another aggravated scream as he kicks a nearby chair over instead.}


DANE: Damn, that's a bit of a harsh way to talk about your townspeople, man.


DANE: Oh, you mean the one you made several unwarranted gestures of aggression towards, only for them to turn it back on your face?


DROLL: Deary me, you're on edge today. I don't suppose you'd like to hear about the Midway Tourism video either, would you?

DEBONAIR: That? Oh yes, I knew about that. Any bozo with the right skills can make any dilapidated hellhole look like a paradise with enough skills. Hmph. The fact that he had to do such a thing to make that city look good in the first place really says a lot, in all honesty. Townindale's never had that problem.

DANE: Just thinkin'. Why don't you just shoot them?


DANE: Y'know. Why don't you just kill the Wikihood dudes, like... none of that fancy stuff you've been trying to pull, y'know? Just pop a cap in their asses.


DANE: Yeah, holmes?

DEBONAIR: Shut up.

DANE: Okay, holmes...

{D'Arque walks over to a nearby cabinet and pulls out an old and dusty 1980s-era video camera. He walks back and hands it over to Dane.}

DEBONAIR: I have an incredibly important task for you two. Possibly the most important one I have assigned to either of you, EVER.

DROLL: Dearie me, what could it be?

DEBONAIR: You are to make me...

{Zoom straight into D'Arque's face.}






{Zoom back out.}

DANE: A video, huh dude? You want us to go around places and take videos of the herminas and hermanos around, huh?

DEBONAIR: Indeed. I want to show everyone, and most important of all, Rosenberg, that our little and quaint town is as beautiful as any big and ugly techno-metropolis!

DROLL: You could have given us a more in-date film camera to start off with, at least.

DEBONAIR: What in god's name are you talking about? This is brand new, state of the art! Straight from Cristóbal!

DROLL: There's your problem, sir.


{Debonair proceeds to shoo Droll and Dane out of the theatre, slamming the doors behind them. From the theatre, they can see the residential streets, the top of Mount Nottigan, Town Hall, and the town's shopping district. The camera perspective is now through Dane's camera, as the two are walking down Townindale's High Street.}

DROLL: So, where should we go first?

{Dane pans the camera upwards, so that the store signs can be seen. Immediately, they see the record store, "'Up To 11 Heaven".}

DANE: Shiiit man, we gotta go here first. I get all my records from this joint, yo.

DROLL: Oh. Alright, if that's what you want to do. Go ahead.

{The two walk into the record store, where reggae music is playing throughout the establishment. Standing at the cashier booth is a tall and skinny man with dreadlocks, wearing a trenchcoat and a fedora, along with a pair of hipster glasses. Dane walks towards him, bringing the camera forwards. Droll scoots forwards even moreso, in order to stay in the camera's frame.} TRACY: Eyy, Dane, my man!

DANE: What is up, Tracy, my homie?

TRACY: Not much, not much. Just chillin'. Sellin' these records, y'know? Same as always, haha.

{Tracy leans forward to see Droll standing out the booth, just barely rising higher than it to be seen.}

TRACY: Hey there mannn. You one of Dane's friends?

DROLL: Oh, well... yes. You can say that.

TRACY: Radical!

{Tracy finally notices the camera that is pointed at him. He looks into it and waves.}

TRACY: So like... you guys.. you filmin' somethin'?

DROLL: Yeah. We're doing this whole feature on behalf of Town Hall. Just showcasing all the different people in this town. Trying to give everyone a view of what this town is all about.

TRACY: Niiice. So like.. you ask questions?


TRACY: Righteous, brother. I'm down with that.

DROLL: So... tell us about yourself...

{Droll looks at Tracy's nametag, which is upside down.}

DROLL: ...Tracy.

TRACY: Well, I'm the dude who owns and runs this awesome store, as you can see. I um... sell records and shit. Um.. I live in an apartment, with my two brothers.. Albert and Johnny... and um.. Albert's wife... and yeah. I run this shop. Selling records... and shit.

DROLL: I see. So, what do you think of this town, or its establishment?

TRACY: Establishment, you say? I say, DOWN WITH THE ESTABLISHMENT. A GOVERNED SOCIETY IS AN UNHEALTHY SOCIETY. Man, if you ask me, I believe this rad lil' town would be so much better if we ran it. We, the people, you know? Not those pigs in Town Hall! Hell nah.

DROLL: Oh. That's.. unfortunate.

{Awkward silence, as Droll looks into the camera, and back at Tracy, before regaining his composure.}

DROLL: Well, it was a pleasure speaking to you, Mr. Tracy. I do hope you have a good day.

TRACY: You too, Goblin dude! Party on!

{Droll leads Dane outside of the store, quickly.}

DANE: Heh, nice interview, hermano.

DROLL: Yeah. Really nice. Might have to trim some of that in post-production, however.

{Cut back to Oceanna and Noxigar, in the former's apartment.}

OCEANNA: So, you wanted to try Bluehaven's ice cream?

NOXIGAR: At some point, yes.

OCEANNA: That's nice. I have some stashed in this big frozen cooler one of my coworkers brought me. The ice cream came with, I think.

NOXIGAR: That's interesting.

OCEANNA: Also, would you like some tea?

NOXIGAR: Uh, sure. Fair warning, though; Chaos and Lex tried to make some rubbish blend called "Liver Disaster" or whatever, and it made me sick.

OCEANNA: That's too bad. I don't mind that blend much.

NOXIGAR: I like French Dinner. That's my favorite tea blend. I could use some of that.

{Oceanna gets some water ready in a tea kettle.}

OCEANNA: So, how often do you visit Bluehaven?

NOXIGAR: Not very. Every time I bring the subject to my compatriots, they shudder at the name "Bluehaven" for reasons I cannot fathom. I assumed initially that the reasons were completely prejudicial until actually stumbling into there myself per Rosenberg's instructions.

OCEANNA: Bluehaven's actually not that bad.

NOXIGAR: Yeah. I realize that now, considering my sojourn to your apartment.

{Oceanna puts the stove on to boil the tea.}

NOXIGAR: I've considered joining the Sea Hitman's Something-Something Disco Palace.

OCEANNA: Sea Hitman's Underwater Coney Island Disco Palace. And I'd actually encourage you to join us.

NOXIGAR: Really? I was under the impression you weren't going to be enthusiastic1.

OCEANNA: Quigley already spies on the house as it is, so it's not like I have much to really worry about info-wise.

{Cut back to Dane and Droll, who are now outside of "The Hard Squeeze".}

DANE: Alright man, this place is like... the best smoothie store around. Me and some of my home boys used to hang around here back in the day, y'know? Guy who runs it, real friendly guy.

DROLL: Are you just taking us to all your personal favorite places around here?

DANE: ...Yeah, holmes. What gave it away?

DROLL: I don't know, probably about the time where you took me to your dealer and he tried to swipe the camera off us.

DANE: Heh. Yeah. Good times, brother.

{Droll sighs.}

DROLL: Let's just carry on with this.

{The two walk into the juice bar, only to be immediately greeted by the shop owner, Edwardo, a big and stocky man with an effete nature.}

EDWARDO: Ooh! Customers! Come in, come in!

{Edwardo gestures for the two to come inside, before running back to the counter.}

EDWARDO: Oh! Daney! Nice for you to come by! Is that a friend? Oooh! So nice, so nice!

DANE: Yeah. We're um.. filming. For a documentary of some kind, y'know?

DROLL: Yes. We're just surveying different spots of Townindale, asking around to get a good view of this town and the people in it, that's all.

EDWARDO: Ooh, that's interesting. So is this an interview?

DROLL: Yes, if you don't mind, of course.

EDWARDO: No, no, no, not at all! I just wish I had known earlier, I would've made myself look more charming to the cameras, hehe.

{Dane moves the camera closer to Edwardo, who begins posing in front of it, finally blowing a kiss.}

DROLL: So... tell us about yourself and your business.

EDWARDO: Well... my name is Edwardo, and I've been running this juice bar for a couple of years now. It's a nice business, nice area of town, friendly faces, you know, the stuff. Hahaha, yeah. I originally came from Brazil as a immigrant. I had lots of troubles at first, but after a whole lengthy battle with the courts, I was allowed to stay here. Using finances from various sources, I managed to scrape enough money to start this place up. It was quite a gamble, but it paid off in the end! I treat every day like a gift from whoever's up in the sky, you know?

DROLL: Hm, good story. What do you think of the town itself?

EDWARDO: Townindale? Oh, I love this place! Such a nice and quaint place, full of culture.

DROLL: Do you ever worry about anything in this town in particular? Like, crime or anything?

EDWARDO: Crime? Not particularly, I feel relatively safe. Though there was that thing in the news a few weeks ago, what with the fast food mugging. But I don't think an incident like that should reflect on the town in whole, you know?

DROLL: Ah, yes. I heard of that. Good thing we have Townindale's finest protecting us, huh?

DANE: Gotta love the boys at the TPD. When they're not tryin' to arrest me, that is.

DROLL: {Slightly annoyed tone} Dane, don't say that on camera.

DANE: Sorry, boss.

DROLL: Well, we need to get going. Thanks for the interview, Edwardo. We'll be sure to tell people about your juice bar.

EDWARDO: Oh, please do! Ooh, and one more thing!


{Edwardo moves in to hug Droll, crushing him in the process. Dane can be heard laughing behind the camera. Cut back to the two on the street, both holding smoothies. Droll looks relatively exhausted from the bear hug.}

DROLL: The man is friendly, but he hugs too hard. Much too hard.

DANE: Ey, at least we got free smoothies from the ordeal.

DROLL: Yeah. Great. Let's just carry on with these interviews.

{Cut back to Noxigar and Oceanna. They are having ice cream and tea, which was completed offscreen.}

OCEANNA: Before you decide to join the Sea Hitman's Underwater Coney Island Disco Palace, is there anything you wish to tell me?

NOXIGAR: Quite a few things. Is this an interview?

OCEANNA: Let's call it an interview for now.

NOXIGAR: Alright. Lay 'em on me.

OCEANNA: Do you have any important relationships with which could be a problem in any mission?

NOXIGAR: This one person, she was my salvation when an experiment of mine went awry. It had something to do with manipulating the Void, and gaining power. Specifically, power to feel like a good asset to my crew. I wound up losing my heart in the process, so this salvation, The Black Duke, hired a team to bring me back to life.

OCEANNA: ...The Black Duke? I've only heard her name in myth!

NOXIGAR: She's an illusive dracogorgon who opened my eyes to the world of mad science.

OCEANNA: I see. Anybody else? Like, I dunno, a spouse?

NOXIGAR: No. I don't have any romantic entanglements which'd prove an obstacle.

OCEANNA: Any close friends? Outside of your Wikihood allies, I mean.

NOXIGAR: Not really. I've tried making friends outside of that circle, to no avail.

OCEANNA: You talk funny. {mutters} I like that.

NOXIGAR: I guess I have an odd way with words. That's probably half the trouble I face when it comes to dealing with people2.

OCEANNA: Alright. I figured Quigley took care of most of the information gathering, so if you die (heaven forbid), we know who to contact.

NOXIGAR: I presume you have other questions?

OCEANNA: Those can wait. Let's eat!

{Oceanna and Noxigar begin to eat their ice cream and drink their tea. Cut back to Droll and Dane, who are now standing outside Town Hall.}

DANE: Ey, ya really think we'll be able to get access to the Mayor?

DROLL: Of course. The guy's been D'Arque's puppet since the 1950s, it's hardly a question of getting access. Really, my concern is if he's actually mentally capable of carrying an interview anymore. The man is ancient, he could drop dead in any moment, and nobody would tell the difference until a week later. Come on.

{Droll pushes open the doors to Town Hall, revealing the interior, which has since changed from its previous appearances. Several portraits of D'Arque family members hang on all the walls, including one large one at the very far end of the hall, showing a younger (and alive) Debonair D'Arque, dressed in Old West attire, standing next to the Townindale watering hole. As the two make their way to the Mayor's office, they look around.}

DANE: Cristo Jésus, the boss doesn't spare any chances to flaunt himself, does he?

DROLL: No. He really doesn't. To be perfectly honest, I think his ego's gotten worse over the years. Don't tell him I said that though, I really do love my job.

DANE: My lips are sealed, bro.

{The two reach the doors of the Mayor's office. Dane goes to knock, but Droll just bursts in, uninvited. Dane follows behind him. As they approach closer to the Mayor, it's revealed that he's fast asleep in his chair. Droll sighs and closes the doors behind him before walking over to the Mayor's desk and slamming his hands on it, waking him up immediately.}


{The Mayor shakes his head to wake himself up, noticing Droll immediately. He is instantly shocked at his presence.}

MAYOR: Oh. Droll! I wasn't expecting you today... or this week for that manner...

DROLL: Relax, sir. I'm not here on official busines-...

MAYOR: Oh thank the good lord in heaven, I almost had one of my daily heart attacks.

DROLL: Yeah, we really would not want that to happen now, would we?

MAYOR: Of course not! For it is my duty, and my responsibility to serve this town as its mayor, and I cannot afford-...

DROLL: Yes, yes. You are the law, et cetera, et cetera. Do you mind doing us a favor?

MAYOR: Do I have a choice?

DROLL: Excellent. We just want to ask you a couple of questions for an interview. As part of this documentary we're making.

MAYOR: Aww, like a school documentary? Why, I would be honored, young man.

DROLL: What? No, for Monsieur D'Arque.

MAYOR: Oh. Sorry, my mind isn't as good as it used to be. Thought you were someone else for a second.

DROLL: No kidding. Alright, so if I may ask you the first question, tell us about yourself and your profession.

MAYOR: Why, of course. My name is Mr. Meier, and I am the mayor of this lovely little town. I've been serving the people of this proud little establishment since 1955, where I was voted in with masses of support by the citizens! In fact, I had actually won by a landslide! So, from there, it was with the help of the D'Arque theatre family where I pledged to make this town a better place! You see, before I was elected, this place was just a tiny spec on the map of Listless. I mean, it had the theatre going for it, but still it needed a blah blah blah blah are you reading this, this is not relevant blah blah....

{Ten minutes later.}

MAYOR: Now let me tell you about the good citizens of Bluehaven. They are some of the most hardworking individuals out there, and the city's status as a beacon of hope and prosperity is a positive one, and I for one, am glad to be hailing from such a lovely-

DROLL: Oh, well would you look at the time. We really need to get going. Now.

MAYOR: But there is so much more I have to tell!

DROLL: Maybe some other time, Mayor Meier. But we really need to go now. Bye.

{Droll and Dane rush out of the Mayor's Office. Cut back to them outside of Town Hall.}

DANE: Yikes, man. The old guy's massive speech only leaves us with about 10 more minutes of film. What are we gonna do?

DROLL: Same thing as we always do, Dane.

DANE: Try to take over the world?

DROLL: Yes! I mean, no. We wing it. Come on.

{A small excerpt of the Pinky and the Brain theme song plays as Droll and Dane carry on with scouting for interviewees. Cut back to Noxigar and Oceanna.}

NOXIGAR: I think I'm ready to join the Sea Hitman's Underwater Coney Island Disco Palace. I've answered every valid question you've had so far.

OCEANNA: Alright. Just note that a lot of what you'll be doing will be under heavy scrutiny. I imagine you're the type who doesn't like regulations.

NOXIGAR: I'm fine with rules, but I do search for loopholes when it's more beneficial to everyone. I do know there's a nearby university near where we live in Towningdale, since there have been times were a sorority has harassed me personally.

OCEANNA: Wait, really?

NOXIGAR: I think it's mostly light teasing, but I remember not handling that too particularly well. That, and they drove some fire trucks which nearly ran me over.


NOXIGAR: Indeed.

{The doorbell rings.}

OCEANNA: Give me a sec, that's the pizza.

{Oceanna goes to open the door. The pizza delivery person, someone Oceanna knows, bids her a slight wave. She freezes in terror for all of two seconds, flashes a twenty dollar bill at the delivery person, and hides behind Noxigar.}

NOXIGAR: Uh, hi?

{Noxigar turns his head back to face Oceanna.}

OCEANNA: I already paid him.


DELIVERY BOY: I'm surprised you're like this, Oceanna.

NOXIGAR: Just one question: Who are you?

GARZEL: My name's Garzel Carradine.

NOXIGAR: Okay, Garzel. Why exactly is Oceanna frightened of you?

GARZEL: She's not used to seeing fellow Sea Hitmen be here.

OCEANNA: Damn it, Garzel, I told you to not come here when Noxigar's around!


GARZEL: I got the directions, and just did what I was told.

NOXIGAR: I get the feeling I'll probably wind up seeing more of your friends, Oceanna.

OCEANNA: {sighs} Thank you for delivering the pizza.

GARZEL: Thank you for paying it.

{Garzel closes the door. Cut to Dane and Droll in Townindale's Black Market. They're interviewing both Volkov, and the Bed, Bath, and Beyond merchant.}

VOLKOV: Okay, so here I was, faced with the bear, in sub-zero temperatures, with nothing but my fists to fight with. Did I mention that I had no shirt on at the time?

DROLL: Wow. And this was after singlehandedly dismantling the nuclear warhead in mid-air, right?

VOLKOV: Yes, of course.

BBAB MERCHANT: Tell them about the incident with the Japanese Prime Minister!

VOLKOV: Dave, there are some stories that should be left untold. At least not in front of a camera. I do have some of a reputation to uphold, after all.

DROLL: You know, if I had known how interesting you are, I would've come down here more often.

DANE: Why is this a black market anyway? Especially when there's a furniture store here.

VOLKOV: Eh, it's not really. Rent's cheaper down here.

{Volkov shrugs. Cut to Droll and Dane back outside.}

DROLL: That man's life should be made into a movie.

DANE: I know! He's like a real life Russian James Bond!

DROLL: How the hell are we going to top that?

DANE: Man, I have no idea. Let's just do the rest of these things so we can get back to DA BOSSMAN.

{Montage: Snippets of Droll and Dane interviewing random townspeople, starting with the police chief, Keith David.}

KEITH DAVID: Crime in this town is just... so low! I mean, the last big thing to actually happen was that fast food mugging incident. It's just so boring!

{Awkward pause.}

KEITH DAVID: ...I mean, good! Good for this town and the people in general!

{Cut to Detective Julia Ramirez.}

JULIA RAMIREZ: This town's alright. Its low crime rate is comforting, I must say. I'd love to attribute it to the police force, but policy forces me to attribute it to this town's lovely niche culture. All in part due to Debonair D'Arque. Hoo-ray. Ugh.

{Cut to a Pizza Delivery man.}

DELIVERY MAN: Man, these voices, THEY JUST WON'T STOP! I keep trying to ignore them, keep trying to carry on working like an ordinary modern citizen, but they get louder. Louder, and louder.

DROLL: Yeah, you're weird. We're outta here.

{Cut to the two interviewing The Kangs.}

MR. KANG: Since we come here from Korea, we handle well. We-...

MRS. KANG: No. No. No.

{Mrs. Kang pushes past Mr. Kang and begins ranting in front of the camera.}

MRS. KANG: 여기에오고부터, 이상한 물건이 마을에서 일어났다. 우리의 이웃은 내가 본 가장 미친 괴물의 일부입니다, 그것은 단지 우리의 정문에있어! 내가 D' Arque에 대해 물어 보자. 아무도 기록을 확인하지 않습니다? 도대체 그는 이러한 모든 년 후에 살아이며, 도대체 왜 아무도 그것을 의심하지 않는다? 이 마을 전체가 이상한 사람들 이상한 물건 오프 어깨를 으쓱, 그리고 너희들이 가지고있는 전체의 폭도 정신으로 가득 차있다. 난 그냥 그것을 얻을하지 않습니다. (Since coming here, the weirdest stuff has happened in this town. Our neighbours are some of the craziest freaks I have ever seen, and that's only on our front door! Let me ask you about D'Arque. Does nobody check the records? How the hell is he still alive after all these years, and why the hell does nobody question it? This entire town is full of the weirdest people who shrug off the weirdest stuff, and that whole mob mentality you guys have. I just do not get it.)

DANE: Um... you have any idea what he's sayin', homeboy?

DROLL: Absolutely no idea. Let's assume it's something good.

DANE: Right. One more?

DROLL: One more.

{Cut to the two in an alleyway with drugged-up homeless guys with stubbles and ungroomed moustaches}



{Dr. Hobo rises from the group.}


{Dr. Hobo grabs a boot and consumes it.}

DROLL: Yeah. I think we're done.

DANE: Heh. Look at all the homeless guys. Heh heh.

{Droll sighs. Cut back to Noxigar and Oceanna.}

NOXIGAR: Hm. I seem to have forgotten something.

OCEANNA: What is it?

NOXIGAR: Oh, right! I was supposed to collect Necromantic Armor pieces in order to beat Debonair D'Arque at his own game!

OCEANNA: How many do you have?

NOXIGAR: Two. The past few days have kept me foggy, so I haven't really focused on scanning their locations and getting them myself.

OCEANNA: Maybe someone picked some up? I wouldn't be surprised if there was an auction for one of 'em.

NOXIGAR: I do have a cool helm and a cape that has a good story to it.

OCEANNA: Is that the one where Sephiroth meets this King Leotheras guy and they go on adventures?

NOXIGAR: Yep. That's the one.

OCEANNA: Right. Well, I guess it'll be a while before your friends will want you back?

NOXIGAR: Yeah, why?

{Oceanna approaches Noxigar, and kisses him straight in the mouth3. Cut back to the theatre, where D'Arque is reviewing the footage through the video camera.}

DEBONAIR: Hm, Dane. I must say, your cinematic skills are actually quite impressive! I'm seeing a very good use of lens and angles here.

DANE: Heh, what can I say, holmes? I'm a natural.

DEBONAIR: I'd appreciate it if you stopped talking like a Mexican Gangster though.

DANE: Ugh, fine.

DEBONAIR: Overall though, looking at this footage, I'm overly quite impressed. We can make a spectacular film from these clips! My question though...

{Pause as Debonair looks directly at Droll and Dane.}

DEBONAIR: Why on earth did you take so much footage of... weirdos?

DROLL: What do you mean?

DEBONAIR: I mean, all the hobo footage. Hm. Never mind, it is rather amusing. I'm sure their antics could incite some laughs.

{D'Arque closes the camera and puts it down, before giving a round of applause to the two.}

DEBONAIR: Well, I am rather impressed. Seeing the footage of all the happy citizens of Townindale, it actually brings some joy to my heart. It'll be a shame to see them all go.

DANE: What do you mean, holmes?

DEBONAIR: The reason why I made that video wasn't to celebrate them, it was to say goodbye to them. You see, I've lived here for a long time. I was the one who built this town, after all. And during my many years here, I've seen things change. As society and technology progressed, people began to get more... different. They no longer wore the same things, they talked differently, they no longer had any fine appreciation for authority. Activism, riots, I've seen them all.

{D'Arque sighs.}

DEBONAIR: In a way, I cannot blame them. They are but simple-minded sheep, after all. They are not aware of their own actions, of their changes over time. But I am. As I see them go about the ordinary lives, ignorant to the changes that have befallen us, I come to realize that I don't like it. Not one bit. And my recent continuous encounters with the arrogant fools in the manor only served to solidify my opinion. That they are all parasites. Leeches to the once great society I had once created. So that is why I have made the ultimate decision. If I can not tailor these people to suit my interests, why need I? I figure that the best way of making this town great again is by bringing its old inhabitants back.

DROLL: Sir...

DEBONAIR: I have made my mind on this matter. There is to be a showing of this film to the masses. Let it be so.

NARRATOR: And thus, it was made so. In a short amount of time, the video was ready to be shown to the town citizens and the stage was set up for the occasion. Just like the Mad Dash, the inhabitants crowded around the theatre to see what was about to unfold.

{Cut to the theatre exterior. D'Arque has his human face on as he and Droll are presenting the film to the crowd. As they applaud, D'Arque makes his way to the podium.}

DEBONAIR: Thank you, thank you. It behooves me so to see such adoration for this picture, which could not have been possible without you. But I'm afraid I must reveal to you some deathly secrets.

{D'Arque stands back and rips off the prosphetic human face, revealing his undead form. The crowd gasps in shock as they see his true identity.}

DEBONAIR: Indeed, what you are seeing is rather quite shocking. But none more shocking than what I am about tell you.

{Silence, as D'Arque readjusts himself.}

DEBONAIR: This town... is to be raised.

{Shock and horror, as the crowd murmurs in confusion. One person raises their hand.}


SARAH: You're going to burn this town to the ground?

DEBONAIR: Oh. No, of course not. No, no. This town is going to be getting some new citizens, and I'm afraid some old ones will have to go.

TRACY: You're kicking us out?

DEBONAIR: Indeed I am. To make room for the newly resurrected citizens of Old Townindale. You should all be honored to have lived in this town for so long. You will be sorely missed.

{D'Arque cackles softly as the episode ends.}


1. Initially I was going to have Oceanna be vocally opposed to Noxigar joining the Sea Hitman's Underwater Coney Island Disco Palace, until I realized half the reasons for her opposition were nonexistent.

2. "The other half is my mad science!"

3. You're welcome, Sirrus, for the lovely suggestion on Skype.