(even if you aren't vegan)


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i claim this page under the lex empire


under construction


{Open to the streets of Midway City. Two young people are standing at the side of the street with luggage, waiting to hail a taxi.}

SIRRUS: You know, sometimes I wonder if moving to America was a mistake in itself. Three months, and Midway's given us nothing.

VENTIN: Don't be silly, bro. I'm tellin' ya, this place offers more than we could ever get back in the homeland!

SIRRUS: Are you forgetting that our father's a millionaire?

VENTIN: Are you forgetting that he's a douche?

SIRRUS: True. But you know, we could've just stayed in the castle we took from that-...

VENTIN: Don't you get it, Sirrus? You and I, we are finally free! Free to live our own lives, away from the tyranny of our father! Look around you, brother? This is freedom! Can't you just smell it?

{Sirrus sniffs the air.}

SIRRUS: It smells like air pollution and broken dreams.

VENTIN: Oh, you'll come around eventually. After all, I already found us a place to stay!

SIRRUS: did?


{Ventin pulls a piece of paper from her pocket, and shoves it in Sirrus' face.}

VENTIN: A bunch of people in some small town are totally looking for new tenants! Did I mention that they happen to live in a mansion? I mean, they must be loaded if that's the case!

SIRRUS: A mansion, huh? Hm. Well, I guess it is worth a try. Do you think they'll accept us? What if they don't?

VENTIN: Oh, don't you worry about that, my dear brother. If they won't welcome us, we'll just welcome ourselves, if you know what I mean?

{As they finish speaking, they catch a glimpse of a taxi. Immediately, they get their stuff and run right to it, paying absolutely no regard to the other drivers on the street. Ventin opens the door of the taxi and the two climb in, bringing all the luggage with them, much to the chagrin of the driver, who's already taking a passenger.}

PASSENGER: Excuse me! Would you two mind?

VENTIN: Oh right, how rude of me!

{Ventin offers her hand to shake.}

VENTIN: I'm Ventin, and this is my brother, Sirrus! Very nice to meet you, miss!

DRIVER: I think she's talking about the fact that you just hijacked my ride.

VENTIN: Ohhh. Well, that's no biggie! You can accept two more passengers, right?

PASSENGER: I'm on my way to my father's funeral. This is hardly appropriate.

VENTIN: Funerals? Oh, I love funerals! We'll be happy to join you if you like?

SIRRUS: Um, Ventin? I don't... think they want us here.

VENTIN: Nonsense! I'm sure they're fine with us! Aren't you, guys?

{Cut back to the streets of Midway. The taxi has sped off and Ventin is yelling at it from the distance.}


{Sirrus sighs}

SIRRUS: I'm sure this small town isn't too far away. How about we walk, instead?

VENTIN: Eh, fine. Walking will do us much better than the taxi, at least. Come on.

{Sirrus and Ventin walk offscreen. Cut to the living room of the Wikihood house. On the couch is a Lex, severely injured after the events of the vacation. Lex is writhing in pain as Chaos is leaning over him, holding a spoon full of medicine over his face.}

CHAOS: Come on now, time to take your medicine.

LEX: I don't want the medicine, I'm not sick, just brutally injured.

CHAOS: Shh, now. You need to conserve your energy. Now come on. Open wide for the choo-choo train.

{Chaos moves the spoon closer to Lex's face.}

LEX: I'm fine, stop it.

CHAOS: Chugga-chugga-chugga...

LEX: Chaos, no.

CHAOS: Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...


CHAOS: Chugga-chugga, CHOO CHOOOO!!!

{Chaos shoves the spoon into Lex's mouth, causing him to choke on it.}

CHAOS: Now that's a good little alien. See, wasn't too bad, was it?

LEX: I hate you.

OIRACUL: What happened between him and the Glabal that would cause such harsh wounds?

CHAOS: Long story, very boring and despair-inducing. And by that, I mean it was completely hilarious, seeing as it wasn't me who was getting hurt.

{Chaos stands up and addresses everyone else.}

CHAOS: Alright guys; this is the one time since we've started this whole thing that without combined efforts, we could come together to help a common friend in his time of need.

{Lex smiles with as much strength as he can muster.}

CHAOS: But, because that sounds stupid and hopeful, I'm just gonna make Noxigar do all the work again.

{Lex's happiness is subdued.}

LEX: {Sarcastically} Wow, what an honor.

NOXIGAR: Cute thought, friends, but I've actually got some unfinished business to attend to.

CHAOS: Yeah Nox, it's not gonna happen.

NOXIGAR: What's... not gonna happen.

CHAOS: You know. You and her, doing the West Side Story? The Jersey Boys? The Wizard of Oz? You know, you know what I mean?

NOXIGAR: I don't, actually.

LEX: Chaos, not everyone can understand sexual innuendo in the form of broadway plays as well as you can.

CHAOS: ...Remolay can.


NOXIGAR: Well, nonetheless. I don't want to do any of that... stuff you were implying. I just want to talk business with her, that's all.

CHAOS: You want to do the business with her don't you mean.

NOXIGAR: Chaos, from what I can recall, weren't you the one who was hitting on her from the beginning?

CHAOS: ...Touche. Well, um... have fun on your business meeting, you... bastard.

NOXIGAR: Oh, I will. You see, I plan on subtly manipulating her in order to bring the system down from within. I've brushed up on my mysteries and capers for this.

CHAOS: Right. Just... just don't do anything horrifically stupid while you're away.

NOXIGAR: Now Chaos, would I do such a thing?

CHAOS: I'm not even going to grace you with an answer to that one.

{Noxigar puts on goggles and pulls out a few chemicals and a beaker to mix them. After a brief fizz, smoke erupts from the beaker, and Noxigar is all packed and in a new outfit. Casual jeans and t-shirt, along with a black blazer and a fedora hat.}

NOXIGAR: How do I look?

LEX: Like a complete and utter numpty. The goggles and the hat are really doing you no favors.

NOXIGAR: Would a chicken bucket have been preferable?

{Chaos goes over and removes the fedora and goggles from Noxigar, before giving him a pair of sunglasses instead.}

CHAOS: There. Now you look vaguely presentable.

NOXIGAR: So be it. Well, my friends and companions, I am gonzo! See you, when I see you!

{Noxigar pulls a smoke bomb from out of his pocket and drops it, engulfing the entire room with smoke and causing everybody to cough. As the smoke clears, Noxigar is gone.}

CHAOS: How do I deal with you all.

{Lex groans.}


CHAOS: Well, so much for finding a better doctor than Noxigar. What a shame. I really wanted to rub it in his face, too. Well, time for my second resort. Remolay? Get in here!

{Remolay emerges from the kitchen, dressed up as a candy striper. He has prepared a warm meal on a tray for Lex.}

REMOLAY: You rang?

CHAOS: Just in the nick of time as well. And in such a... colorful outfit.

REMOLAY: Oh yeah, I got to keep this from all of that volunteer work I did in college. It finally came in handy!

CHAOS: Nonetheless, I really don't care. Just... do.. hospital things. For our sick patient here.

REMOLAY: Right away, sir!

{Remolay salutes as he delivers the tray to Lex, before scooting back off.}

OIRACUL: So, where do you think D'Arque has been for the last week?

CHAOS: Not resting in the lap of luxury, that's for damn sure. Ever since his house went up in flames, at least. All we have to worry about is Rosenberg.

OIRACUL: It's a good thing we have our very own guy on the case, then!

CHAOS: Don't bet on it. He still totally wants to get in there, I know it.

OIRACUL: But nonetheless. Perhaps it may not be safe to keep advertisements in the paper for the house now that things are starting to pick up. We may attract unwanted attention.

CHAOS: Bah, what's the worst that could come from a few more bodies around paying some meager rent in the most bent-out-of-shape hellhole in America?

{As if suddenly on cue, a large bang comes from the front door. Outside the door are the two young people from earlier. Ventin is currently banging at the door in frustration, with several suitcases around her. Sirrus is close behind her, lugging more suitcases while looking upon her in annoyance.}

SIRRUS: Perhaps nobody's in? Did you call them to let them know we were coming?

VENTIN: Call them? Hah, hell no. I wanted it to be a surprise. You know, like... "ta-daaa, we're your new housemates!"

SIRRUS: That's... not really the best idea. Aren't we essentially intruding in this case?

VENTIN: Ah, quit it, Sirrus. They'll love us!

{Ventin carries on banging on the door.}

SIRRUS: {sighs} We could just ring the doorbell.

VENTIN: I've banged the door loud enough. They'll be here, I know it.

SIRRUS: Well, we can always come back later, can't we?

{Cut back inside. Remolay goes to answer the door, but suddenly Ventin kicks it open, causing it to slam right onto Remolay's face and knocking him down to the ground. Ventin walks in as if nothing happened and immediately drops her luggage all over the floor. Sirrus follows right behind her. Everyone looks at them as the door falls off its hinges and proceeds to hit Remolay again.}

CHAOS: Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing! That's our door you just injured!

{Remolay gets up from underneath the door, rubbing his head in pain.}

REMOLAY: Yeah, pay no attention to the guy who just got hit from said door.

CHAOS: Hey, it's bad enough dealing with one injured person, let alone two. Besides, I'm more interested at the freakshow that just arrived.

VENTIN: Oh, right. An introduction.

{Ventin clears her throat.}

VENTIN: Greetings, my... acquaintances. We've been travelling around a lot and we caught wind of your advertisement, asking for new tenants. We've come to stay a while! I'm sure you'll all do a good job of making us all comfortable.

{Ventin carries on walking and proceeds to throw herself on the couch, putting her feet on Lex as a footrest. Sirrus follows behind, and addresses the housemembers.}

SIRRUS: Oh, and.. um.. sorry about the door. We... um, didn't think you were in.

LEX: Would you mind taking your feet off me? I'm already in enough pain as it is!

VENTIN: ...Talking pillows? Talk about the lap of luxury right here!

{Lex tries to bite her leg, but she stuffs her boot in his mouth as he is kicking and screaming.}

CHAOS: As much as I disapprove of attacks on poor defenseless doors, this house could do with more money flowing in. So, you're renting a room, I presume?

VENTIN: Oh, of course! It's good that we're talking business. Truth be told, we considered just taking the house and kicking you guys out, but a business deal works pretty fine too.

SIRRUS: She was, um.. joking, about the "taking the house" thing. Really.

VENTIN: No I wasn't.

{Sirrus sighs.}

CHAOS: If it involves monthly rates and equal opportunity chores, then I'm all ears, babe.

OIRACUL: I'm going to be blunt here, I don't trust them at all. They look thuggish.

VENTIN: Hm, you got us there. But I promise, we'll be great!

REMOLAY: So, what kind of abilities do you two have, then? Like powers, and such.

SIRRUS: Powers?

REMOLAY: Yeah, you know, like... superpowers.

CHAOS: Remolay, what on earth are you talking about?

REMOLAY: It's just an observation. I mean, we're all supposed to be ordinary tenants under one household, but it seems all of you guys have weird powers and stuff. So I'm just naturally assuming these two have them too.

CHAOS: That's not entirely true. I mean, sure, I've got that whole Chaos Mage thing going for me...

REMOLAY: Lex is an alien, Oiracul's a werewolf, Noxigar's a cyborg, Fritz and Lang are robots, and I'm a drow who desperately acts like a human.

CHAOS: Just a coincidence, really. I'm sure these two are as normal as they come!

VENTIN: We can manipulate blood! We're hemomancers!

REMOLAY: Oh my god this house is full of freaks.

CHAOS: You're no better.

REMOLAY: I know.

OIRACUL: So, about the payment.

VENTIN: Oh, but of course!

{Ventin approaches Chaos, and she hands him a pouch full of foreign coins. Chaos takes one out of the pouch and inspects it.}

CHAOS: Is it me, or are you paying with Monopoly money?

VENTIN: What're you whining about? This is obviously the finest legal tender you can get in Romania.

OIRACUL: Romania?

SIRRUS: Yeah, Eastern Europe. Below Ukraine, next to Serbia, near the Black Sea, just the-

OIRACUL: Yeah, I know where Romania is.

CHAOS: Hm. Well, money's money, I guess!

{Chaos pockets the money, and Ventin stares down Oiracul as she returning to her bags.}

CHAOS: You need any help with that? I'll be glad to force Rem to do the heavily lifting for you.

VENTIN: I'm alright, thank you.

{Ventin lifts them up and brings them up the stairs, whipping them around her sides at speeds so great that it socks Chaos the stomach, causing him to bend over forward and dry-heave.}

CHAOS: Welcome...home...{Chaos keels over.}

VENTIN: Heh! Finally, the welcome I deserve. Gotta say, it ain't too bad here. I'll enjoy it here.

OIRACUL: That's providing you stay more than a day, that is.

{Ventin goes to punch Oiracul, but Oiracul grabs Ventin's wrist and grips it hard.}

OIRACUL: You'd be better off not doing that. We really don't appreciate violent types in this household. You act out even once, and I'll break you like the twig you are.

{Ventin pulls her arm back and rubs the spot that was grabbed, before smirking at Oiracul.}

VENTIN: Don't you worry about that. I'm a good gal, really. I'm sure you'll all come to love me once you all get used to me.

OIRACUL: I'm sure.

VENTIN: Anyway, how about 'yall? You still haven't introduced yourselves yet.

LEX: Oh, right. Well, I'm Lex, the candy stripper is Remolay, and the wolfie chick-

REMOLAY: I resent being called that! That was one time, Lex. ONE TIME.


LEX: As I was saying. The wolfie chick who nearly tore your arm off, her name's Oiracul. The hipster is Chaos, and we also have another tenant, this crazy scientist dude named Noxigar. He's currently out at the moment, trying to get some. And finally, there's the two robots, Fritz and Lang.

VENTIN: Hold up.

LEX: Eh?

VENTIN: have robots? Holy shit, that is awesome. What do they do? Do they shoot lasers out of their eyes?

LEX: No, but they-

VENTIN: Man, I wanna see them for myself! Where are they?

{Fritz and Lang roll in from the basement}






{Fritz notices Ventin, who is now standing over them in excitement.}




LEX: Oh, yeah, sure. Focus on the stranger and not the one who's actually injured!


{Flashback: Five minutes earlier. Fritz and Lang are seated at a table, playing cards.}








{Lang flips the table over, causing all the cards to spill. Silence as the two look at each other.}


{Lang waves his arms in the air, and is promptly slapped in the face. Cut back.}

VENTIN: Wait. How do I even know these are real robots, huh? They could be tiny men in robot suits for all I know. Lemme see!

{Ventin proceeds to pick Fritz up and shake him.}


VENTIN: Wow, you're a heavy one, aren't you? Who's in there?

CHAOS: There's no one in there! He's a robot!

VENTIN: I don't believe ya. I bet there's some kind of midget in there or something!


{Ventin drops Fritz back on the floor, who lands with a thud.}


{Fritz proceeds to vomit up an assortment of nuts and bolts onto the floor.}

VENTIN: Huh. I guess they are real. AWESOME.

{Cut to Noxigar on the streets of Midway City. Looking at the Rosenberg Tower from across the street, and then at his watch, he goes over to the nearest cafe, looking at the tower through the window. He pulls out his flip-phone and dials for Steph.}

NOXIGAR: Ahoy-hoy!

STEPHANIE: {from the other line} R..really, Nox? Ahoy-hoy?

NOXIGAR: Yeah. I find "hello" to be too commonly used, and therefore, totally boring. Besides, it was the original greeting anyway.

STEPHANIE: Right. So, I assume you're here then?

NOXIGAR: Indeed I am. You know the cafe across the street from your place? I'm right there.

STEPHANIE: Oh, cool. I'm on break in about fifteen minutes, I'll be right around asap!

NOXIGAR: Excellent! I'll be waiting with bated breath, m'lady.

STEPHANIE: Please don't say that.

NOXIGAR: Oops. Well, I'll be seein' ya.

{Noxigar immediately hangs up, and then proceeds to look at the menu. Cut back to the house, where Chaos is addressing Sirrus and Ventin in the living room. Lex has now fallen asleep on the couch, with the remote in his hand.}

CHAOS: You see him?

{Chaos points to Lex.}


CHAOS: As you've probably managed to guess, he's not feeling himself lately. Well, he was earlier, but that's not what I'm talking about.

{Sirrus has an expression of disdain on his face.}

VENTIN: What happened to Lex, anyway?

CHAOS: He ran into some vicious biker gang after ditching us in New York. Didn't go well, as you can see. Nox was supposed do deal with him, but he decided to skip out at the last minute just so he can hang out with a chick.

SIRRUS: Right...

CHAOS: And, well. I found out that we've run out of groceries, so I'm gonna have to bring Oiracul and Remolay out with me to go shopping. And by that, I mean that they're totally gonna be carrying the bags, heh.


{Chaos takes Sirrus and Ventin aside and whispers to them.}

CHAOS: Quite frankly, this is the best chance for the two of you to prove yourselves. While we're gone, I want you to take care of him.

VENTIN: Oh? Take care, you say?

SIRRUS: Hm. We're not really a big fan of doing such things, but...

VENTIN: We'll do it. We'll take care of him.

CHAOS: Excellent! I knew you two would do a good job of it. We won't be too long. I mean, you two seem alright, actually. This house could do with some honest hardworking, taxpaying, outstanding citizens.

{Chaos pauses and looks down, before looking back at them.}

CHAOS: Too bad I haven't seen one such person in many years, and with the turn of recent events, I probably never will.

{Sirrus chuckles as he tries to avoid eye contact.}

VENTIN: Smells like dissatisfaction, if you ask me.

CHAOS: Oh, nah. That was probably all the trash from the local dump. They had to build it out on the highway because the last place they wanted to turn into a dump didn't budge.

VENTIN: I'm hardly surprised.


CHAOS: I'm pretty sure D'Arque has never even once heard of conventional recycling.


{The two robots begin laughing back and forth at each other. Eventually they enter into a perpetual loop due to an error in processing, and cannot stop laughing in cadence. Chaos slaps them both before beckoning them.}

CHAOS: Well, I best get going. The other two are waiting for me. Don't disappoint me.

{Chaos walks away as Sirrus nods to him.}

SIRRUS: We promise that we won't!

CHAOS: That's what I like to hear!

{Chaos walks out of the living room, and out of the house. Ventin and Sirrus are now alone in the house with Lex.}

SIRRUS: So. Taking care of him, I see.

{Ventin peers over to the sleeping Lex.}

VENTIN: Piece of cake.

{Ventin grins in a manner quite sinister as we cut back to Noxigar, who sees Stephanie coming in to the cafe. He smiles as she approaches him before sitting down.}

NOXIGAR: Eyy, what's up?

STEPHANIE: Not much, just filing paperwork and taking calls like I usually do.

NOXIGAR: Gee, sounds boring.

STEPHANIE: It pays well though. So, what have you been doing with yourself while you were waiting for me, heh?

NOXIGAR: I ordered about five BLTs and I was about to ask the DJ if he could play some Insane Clown Posse.

STEPHANIE: I... don't think this cafe has a DJ, Nox. Nor do I think they'd be willing to play such awful music.

NOXIGAR: Hmph, I rather like the musical styling of ICP.

STEPHANIE: Of course you would.

NOXIGAR: Oi, what is that supposed to mean?

STEPHANIE: Oh, nothing.

NOXIGAR: Mph. So, I've never really had the chance to take a proper look at Midway before. This part of town seems pretty swanky.

STEPHANIE: This city's seen better days, mind you. You don't many dignified and refined people coming through these days.

NOXIGAR: What a shame, really. But I'm sure you guys can easily bring this place back up to fighting strength.

STEPHANIE: Of course. Why do you think I came here for?


STEPHANIE: This whole arrangement was the perfect opportunity for me to talk to you about what we want.

NOXIGAR: What we want?

STEPHANIE: Of course. You see, after you all rejected Rosenberg's previous deal, he knew that it was only a manner of time until you'd come around for round two.

NOXIGAR: So... you're only here for business reasons? Well, that's put a dampen on my spirits.

STEPHANIE: Afraid so. Don't worry though, we can still have fun while talking business.

NOXIGAR: That's implying I'm even willing to curtail to any potential demands.


{Noxigar ponders for a few seconds}

NOXIGAR: ...Buy me a few drinks and I might reconsider.

STEPHANIE: Aren't you supposed to be buying me the drinks? Me being the lady and all.

NOXIGAR: Heh. Good point.

STEPHANIE: How about this. We buy each other drinks?

NOXIGAR: Alright. Suits me.

{Noxigar sees a waiter approaching.}

NOXIGAR: Excuse me sir!

WAITER: Good afternoon, lady and gentleman. Is there anything I can do for you two, today?

NOXIGAR: Can I get a rum & Coke combo for my dearest companion Stephanie Young?

STEPHANIE: And can I get a gin & tonic for my good pal Nox, here?

WAITER: Absolutely. Comin' right up!

{The waiter leaves.}

STEPHANIE: So, what have you been up to lately?

NOXIGAR: Me? Well, I had plans for doing some genetic engineering and modifications involving a whole host of spiders.

STEPHANIE: Huh. I see.

NOXIGAR: A scholarly idea Lex gave me when he taunted me with excess use of the term {shudders} "Despair." Upon my remembrance of liking certain pieces of science fiction, I have proposed to make several robots based on the various areas of Listless.


NOXIGAR: Yeah! Well, not so much robots, as cyborgs. Like, genetically modified spiders with cybernetic implants. You know, the usual, when it comes to mad science. Would you like to aid me in this quest?


{Steph turns to the waiter}

STEPHANIE: Make that two rum and Cokes!

{Cut back to the Wikihood house. Sirrus and Ventin are standing over Lex, who's still sleeping on the couch. Sirrus looks at Ventin. Both of them are now wearing raincoats, and area around them is completely covered in newspapers.}

SIRRUS: Are you ready, sister?

VENTIN: Ready as we ever will be, brother.

{Ventin picks up a giant axe from the floor. She observes it before gripping it tightly with both hands.}

VENTIN: Brother, prepare the Huey Lewis.

SIRRUS: Right away, sister!

{Sirrus runs over to the stereo, and presses play. Huey Lewis' "Hip to be Square" plays as Ventin readies the axe.}

VENTIN: Let's do this!

{Ventin goes to chop Lex with the axe, but Lex rolls off the couch just in time, causing Ventin to hit that instead. Ventin looks at Sirrus in terror.}

VENTIN: Did you see that! He just rolled off as I tried to hit him! He's not awake, is he?

{Lex carries on snoring, now on the ground.}

SIRRUS: Deep sleeper, he is.

{Ventin exhales as she readies the axe a second time. Swinging at Lex again, he grabs the axe handle while still in his sleep and manages to throw it across the room, causing the axe blade to get stuck into the wall. As Ventin tries to grab another object, Lex gets up and begins to repeatedly pummel Ventin, with his eyes still closed.}

LEX: You... won't.. get me... this time, taxman!!

{Lex carries on swinging at Ventin as Sirrus manages to pull her away.}

VENTIN: What the hell is happening?

SIRRUS: I... I believe he might be a sleepwalker.

VENTIN: Yeah, I can really tell. The guy moves well for someone who's supposed to be gravely injured. He hits hard too.

{Ventin rubs her injured arm as Lex flops back onto the couch and falls back to regular sleep.}

LEX: Tax.. man... defeated. Peace.. is restored...

SIRRUS: Wanna try again?

VENTIN: Yeah, I don't want him swinging at me like that again. Change of plan.

SIRRUS: What do you need?

VENTIN: Let's do this the old fashioned way. Get me a pillow.

{As Sirrus hands a pillow over to Ventin, cut back to Noxigar and Steph. At this moment, Steph is looking more inebriated than last time, having already been effected by the drinks.}

NOXIGAR: So... you seem to be pretty normal, in contrast to everything that goes on around you. Tell me more about yourself.

{Steph laughs a little.}

STEPHANIE: Well, as you can probably tell by the accent, I was born and raised in the UK. Oxford, to be particular.

NOXIGAR: Oxford, huh? Wow, that's pretty good. I assume your parents were fairly wealthy then?

STEPHANIE: Oh, definitely. My father's an accountant, and my mother, well...


STEPHANIE: She gets money sent to her through her mother, who was... well... um...

NOXIGAR: Hm? What is she?

STEPHANIE: The leader of one of Hong Kong's most ruthless triad organizations. Heh... yeah.

NOXIGAR: Wait, are you trying to tell me that your grandmother is a gangster?

STEPHANIE: No, she was a gangster. She put all that life behind her. She totally lives legitimately now.

NOXIGAR: Apart from the money?

STEPHANIE: Y-yes. Apart from the money. So what, my family may have a bit of a dark history regarding that sort of stuff, I mean, how about you, huh?

NOXIGAR: Oh, well. There was once this particular time in my life where I went to this convention.

STEPHANIE: I see. How did that go?

NOXIGAR: It went alright for the first hour or so, but after making some unpopular opinions during a panel, I ended up getting myself mercilessly evicted by DOTA 2 players and yaoi sycophants. Heh, I almost said psycho-phannies. How was I to know that Tim Schafer, Joss Whedon, Edgar Wright, and John Green all formed some kind of untouchable nerd pantheon which drives me batshit bonkers?

STEPHANIE: That's... interesting? Um.. Anything else? Like, yourself in particular?

NOXIGAR: I'm part cyborg if that counts?

STEPHANIE: Um, no, like upbringing? Family history?

NOXIGAR: Meh. My family and upbringing aren't that particularly important. I'd probably end up going on a rant if I were to say anything anyway. Nothing exciting like the mafia connections you have, at least.

STEPHANIE: Alright. I think I'll just change the subject.

{The waiter comes back with a tray full of alcoholic beverages. He places them on the table in front of Steph.}

NOXIGAR: Are you sure that many drinks is a good idea?

STEPHANIE: Oh believe me, I've never felt so sure of something in my life. Please, keep speaking.

NOXIGAR: There was this one time I also went to a tupperware party with Chaos, and I wound up having French Bordeaux...

{Cut back to Sirrus and Ventin, who have tried several methods to deal with Lex, all which have failed. The entire living room is cluttered with several pieces of weaponry, and Lex is still sleeping soundly on the couch.}