(even if you aren't vegan)


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A means of pick-up lining to banish people to the friend zone is elaborated upon by Noxigar.


{Fade in: The crew sitting around in the living room.}

CHAOS: No, no, no, no. One system could not fit everybody.

TJ: No, no! It totally works all the time!

NOXIGAR: TJ's got his head on straight here. I've never failed with it.

CHAOS: Okay, but what does it stand for?

Nurture Dependance - Make sure the girl relies on you for everything.

{Cut: Alyssa's apartment building. Alyssa and Noxigar pull up in front, and get out. Cut: inside Alyssa's apartment.}

NOXIGAR: Ohh, you know what, I left something in your car. I'll be right back, okay?


{Cut: Noxigar watching as her car sinks into a lake. Cut: Noxigar at a fusebox. He flips a few switches. Cut: Alyssa's apartment.}

ALYSSA: Why'd my electricity go out?

NOXIGAR: I don't know, you'd better go check the fusebox. Sometimes those just turn themselves off.

{Alyssa leaves. Noxigar moves the fridge out and finds a ballpeen hammer. He smashes up the back of the fridge. Alyssa comes back, shortly after the electricity.}

ALYSSA: You know, that's weird. I've never had that happen before.

NOXIGAR: Really? Happens all the time to me.

Outwit Yourself - When giving the girl gifts, always outwit yourself and do better than the previous time before; that way you maintain their interest in you. This step is to be done immediately after step N is complete.

{Day 1: Theta gives Foil flowers. Day 2: Theta gives Foil a car. Day 3: Theta gives Foil tickets to see a baseball game with him. Day 4: Theta is at baseball game, treating Foil to a nice restaurant right afterwards. Day 5: Theta gives Foil all the previous items from before simultaneously, and then some extra money.}

Xcommunicate - Cut off contact entirely.

{Theta snips his phone lines, cancels all mail and phone services, and bricks over his door. He also writes a fake suicide note. He then sneaks out into the woods in the middle of the night, setting up camp in a small clearing.}

Instigate Concern - Give her the barest scraps of info (again lies) through a trickle system. Don't give it to her directly. This process lasts months.

SINE: Hey, Tangent.


SINE: I'm going to go to the bank to get jewelry for you.


{Sine walks away}

NOXIGAR: Actually, that was a half-truth. Sine really is going to the bank, but for different reasons which I won't explain because I really don't want to.

Get Her Back - Go back to her, and it's honeymoon all over again! You should have no trouble with this step if the other steps have been easy for you.

Absolute Breakdown - Fake some drama. Break up when she's not yet out of the honeymoon, but it best be from circumstances outside your control.

Repeat - Do steps X though A many times over, with increase in time between steps each go around.