(even if you aren't vegan)


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New Characters

  • Sine
  • Cosine
  • Tangent
  • Space Allen


{The S.W.A.T. places Theta in the van. Using electric cables, they revive Theta.}

THETA: {cough} Radiation...

SWAT #1: Yeah, we got the idea. We received a call from some "Foil" about a conundrum in this particular house.

SWAT #2: That, and someone reported a rodent infestation in the general area.

{Cut to a castle next to Theta's laboratory.}

SINE: Theta, where are you?

COSINE: Obviously he isn't here.

TANGENT: Hmph. Ant farms. Theta's a crackhead if there ever was one.

SINE: Don't insult our fellow colleague!

{Foil arrives}

FOIL: I suggest you go find Theta within an interrogation building, a jail, or a government-owned infirmary. Theta almost got himself killed trying to Kevorkianize three escapees from the Home for Clinically Depressed and Criminally Insane has-been Video Game Villains.

{Cut:Warehouse. Chaos is reading a newspaper.}

CHAOS: So, where exactly are we going to go? I think at this point it's safe to assume that we won't be able to head home until this whole thing blows over significantly.


NOXIGAR: Hmm... Let's explore our current terrain by leaving the warehouse, but not going farther than 80 metres. From our observations, we can see what lies ahead.

{Noxigar sees the opened warehouse door and goes through the opening to find some outdoors. Suddenly, he is rammed into by something large, teal, and slimy. The two fall over, hitting the ground with a "thud" and a "splat". The larger creature gets up.}

SPACE ALLEN: ykGhke? ykG goV QiQ?! gavaGhgi Qo bok?!

{Space Allen points his space gun at Noxigar and narrows his eyes. Noxigar gets up slowly, and takes out a test tube.}

NOXIGAR: My name... is Noxigar. I don't think we... met...

{Noxigar notices no chemicals, and puts his test tube away. A green spiked ball-and-chain appears in front of Noxigar. He picks it up.}

NOXIGAR: Looks like the odds are even now. Your name, please?

{Space Allen puts his gun back a bit, still staring Noxigar down. He takes out a small device, swallows it, clears his throat, and begins to speak.}

SPACE ALLEN: I am Space Allen. I don't think we've met either. ... Now, are you human or not? If you are, I can finish this up rather quickly.

NOXIGAR: Finish? I haven't even started. Anyway, I'm sure you know what a Nobody is, correct? Somehow I remember that I am a Nobody. I am quite good with poisons and chemicals, as I discovered recently.

SPACE ALLEN: I'm... I'm not familiar with whatever a "Nobody" is. I'm assuming you're not...?

NOXIGAR: Not human, sorry.

SPACE ALLEN: ... Strange. Your readings are very similar to... well, whatever. This place is a bust. Say, do you know where I am, exactly?

{Space Allen puts his gun away. He itches the back of his head.}

SPACE ALLEN: I'm kinda... new to this planet. Kinda really new.

NOXIGAR: Very well. I shall help you. Do not fire your space gun, though. Randomly firing weaponry is generally frowned upon here. Unless you're with the government or the military, and even then there's a certain ethics about that. I used to have a house that got a rodent and insect infestation. To counter it, I had to detonate it with a bomb involving a toxic gas. I used a corridor of darkness to teleport my allies, some human and some other, to a safer area such as a no-longer empty warehouse. Now, if you wouldn't mind disarming, that would be great.

SPACE ALLEN: Let me be frank—I'm not staying here if there's no reason. I've got work to do, and I can't just chew the dang fat!

{Space Allen takes out his gun and points it at Noxigar as he walks off into the distance.}

SPACE ALLEN: {yelling from far away} I'm watching you! Don't you try anything funny! Or depressing!

{Noxigar grins as if about to laugh, slowly walking towards Space Allen.}


{Noxigar's green ball-and-chain is now hidden in his right sleeve}

NOXIGAR: Now, if you put down your gun, I can lead you to the warehouse.

{Noxigar's left sleeve points in the general vicinity of the warehouse}

{Cut:The Warehouse. Chaos is busy reading the newspaper still, and Space Allen walks up next to him and puts his hand on his shoulder.}

CHAOS: Yes, hello Noxigar. Geez, why you gotta be so randy? Did you find anything interesting outside of the warehouse?

SPACE ALLEN: Would I count?

CHAOS: Geez, Noxi, did your voice change or-{turns head. Slight pan as we get a full glimpse of Space Allen's upper body.}


{Chaos escapes Space Allen's grip and readies himself. Cut to view that he's the only person there, as everyone else went out to explore.}

CHAOS: {with a near-blank look} Crap.

SPACE ALLEN: Hi, I'm Space Allen. Who and what are you, first of all?

CHAOS: Are you a friend of Noxigar's?

SPACE ALLEN: Let's get something straight; I'm nobody's friend right now. I'm an invader from space here to kill all humans and right now you're a prime target. Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill you.

CHAOS: I could actually tell you...but...I don't really like to talk about my past. {unassumes stance} But I guess you could say I was sent here to do the same thing. My name's Chaos, and I really hate most Humans.

SPACE ALLEN: So you're my competition? {tsk} Figures.

{Space Allen points his gun at Chaos.}

SPACE ALLEN: I'm sorry, but I don't want my work to be too hard. They're expecting me back on-

{The way Space Allen speaks the next few words creates a sort of blankness of sound. Chaos, apparently, can hear it, as his ears start to bleed.}

CHAOS: That was surprisingly lovely. But if you think that you can drive me out of business with a gun and some Deep Speech, you've got another thing coming.

SPACE ALLEN: And I do think I can drive you out of business with a gun and {more strange gibberish}ese, thank you very much. Get it... get it right.

{Space Allen presses the gun against Chaos' forehead.}

SPACE ALLEN: Awww, yeah! Execution style, b-

{Chaos kicks the gun out of Space Allen's Hand...tacles... and proceeds to push him back.}

CHAOS: Your threats fall upon deaf ears. Mainly because you MADE THE GO DEAF, YOU BASTARD!

SPACE ALLEN: Yeah, well, uh...

{Space Allen spits in Chaos' face.}

SPACE ALLEN: Try acid spit, you maroon!

{Chaos' nose falls off in a massive dissolved chunk.}

CHAOS: Have you done any research on...demons, good sir?

{Chaos attempts to punch Allen, but he blocks.}

{Cut:Doorway. A toilet flush is heard, TJ walks in}

TJ: Hey guys! {looks at Allen} Who's this guy?

{Chaos gets smacked into the wall.}

CHAOS: Just a friendly guest.

{Noxigar arrives}

NOXIGAR: Hey, there looks to be an empty-

{Noxigar gasps as he looks at Space Allen fighting Chaos. He takes out the green ball-and-chain, and swings it, aiming at Space Allen's skull. The hit connects, knocking Space Allen out cold, apparently. Sephiroth appears from behind one of the boxes.}

SEPHIROTH: Ugh.. Morning guys. {Swings his arm clockwise and then bends over and back again.} I musta slept funny. That's what sleeping in a box does to you, I guess. {Looks at Space Allen.} Hey, who's that ugly guy?

CHAOS: Noxigar's fault. So Noxi, why do I feel like you deserve mass amounts of pain for this?

NOXIGAR: If I hadn't knocked him out, you'd still be fighting him. Besides, there's an empty cottage just 50 metres away we can go. And we can stuff Space Allen in the closet and lock it.

SEPHIROTH: Yeah, I'm okay with it.

{Noxigar lifts Space Allen, but has a hard time lifting}

NOXIGAR: To the house and in a closet this little fighter goes...

CHAOS: Wait, you just want to take up a random house like squatters?

NOXIGAR: The house practiclly says "For Sale" on it.

CHAOS: But we don't have any money! It's all back at the house!

{Cut: The remains of a house.}

CHAOS: If that was the case, then SOMEBODY'd need to go out and get a job to support the place, we'd also probably have to have several people put out for loans so we can keep them in the bank and let them fester up some interest. Who's going to go out and get a job?

NOXIGAR: In that case, let's confiscate this alien's weapon, pawn it, and then we shall see about an occupation.

{Noxigar steals Space Allen's space gun. He then walks offscreen. Cut to Sine, Cosine, and Tangent in Theta's laboratory with Foil.}

SINE: How do you suppose we rescue Theta?

COSINE: RESCUE?! Let's leave that fool to the government!

TANGENT: It would seem unfair. Why should we leave Theta to the dogs?

COSINE: A lesson is to be learned for those who dabble with mad science!

FOIL: I cosign with Cosine.

{Cut back to Noxigar, who is at a weapons shop.}

VENDOR: Hi, how can I-

NOXIGAR: Space Gun. Wanna sell it.

{Noxigar shows the space gun.}

VENDOR: Hmm... this is rather dangerous.

NOXIGAR: And this is rather a weapons shop.

VENDOR: Does $1,000 sound good?

NOXIGAR: Aren't rocket launchers $1,200?

VENDOR: $2,000. I have to test this thing anyway.

{Vendor gives Noxigar $2,000.}

NOXIGAR: Thanks... for not haggling.

VENDOR: Would you like to buy something?

NOXIGAR: I don't think you sell real estate.

{Cut to the protagonists b/w Space Allen at the house for sale. While the others are bickering amongst themselves, Space Allen comes back into consciousness. He looks up to see the protagonists, and reaches for his gun. Which isn't there. He quietly curses in his native tongue and retreats ever so quietly. By the time the others notice, he has disappeared. Noxigar walks onscreen.}

NOXIGAR: Hey, I have the money. Now all we need is budget maintenance.

SEPHIROTH: Yeah, sure. Just buy the bloody house.

{Noxigar locates a realtor, giving him the $2,000. He points at the house with his left sleeve. The realtor nods, counting the money as he exits.}

NOXIGAR: Done. Now to find an occupation somewhere.

{Noxigar walks offscreen. Everyone else goes inside the house.}