(even if you aren't vegan)
Wiki War II: The Fanfic
I'm not making fun of anyone here. I just took things, exaggerated them, and wrote them out of character. So please don't be offended. If you think I believe anything I said in this story... Well, I don't, and I don't believe that anyone else believes it either. Please don't be offended if you're not in it, either. I chose a lot of the roles at random.
And now, onto the story. —Shwoo
It was a beautiful day in the fanstuff wiki. The trees were singing, the birds were green, and the sysops were holding a meeting.
The sysops comprised Joshua, who wrote that email show Tampo Emails, Super Sam, who is Australian, Shadow Scythe, who is a Mormon, Bluebry, who is good at programming, Shwoo, who is a girl, and The Mu, who doesn't get a personality trait because I've run out. Sorry, The Important Definitive Article Without Which I May Confuse You With Another Homestar Runner Fan With A Similar Screen Name!
They were arguing about the evil, vile segregation of users of the third generation, who joined after the NSMC vandal attacks in late 2005/early 2006. Most of them were evil, irredeemable second generation users, except for Bluebry and Shwoo who were honorary second gens and so had hearts of gold.
Oops. Did I just telegraph the plot of this scene? Ah well.
"I think we should kill it! I think we should kill it!" said Super Sam, who is apparently being played by General Buck Turgidson in this story.
"We must try and understand this creature! We must try and understand this creature!" said Bluebry, due to the aforementioned heart of gold.
"I say we run the picket fence at him! A box in one!" said Shadow Scythe, repeating an obscure part of LDS doctrine that nobody else understood.
"It's just in the foreground! People, it's just in the foreground!" said Shwoo, because, um... Marzipan said it, and she's the only girl?
"We must protect the queen! I have six legs!" said The Mu, suddenly gaining the character trait of insanity.
Joshua said nothing. This is because he is the most senior of the active sysops, and it falls to him to be serious and imposing. Also every second sentence he says involves Trevor or Tampo or Bozar. And um... Stinkoman is a robot?
The discussion in the admin forum raged for hours and hours. Eventually Bluebry and Shwoo, who as I said have hearts of gold because they joined after the NSMC vandal, took a stand.
Bluebry stood up from where he'd been adding a new skin for the forums. "I will not stand for your evil persucution of third gens!" he announced in a stilted manner. "You second gens are evil. I can no longer sit and watch you oppress my countrymen." He looked confused for a second. "Uh, boys."
"Oh my heck!" said Shadow Scythe, because this is what all Mormons say when they are surprised at any time.
"But Bluebry mate!" said Super Sam, in an accent that sounded more like he lived in London than Brisbane. "You're a fair dinkum true blue secondie just like the rest of us!"
"No," said Bluebry in a serious tone. "I can no longer live a lie. I am a third gen. I will fight until third gens have the same rights as second gens."
"I agree," said Shwoo, also standing up. "What Bluebry said, tee hee." All girls giggle when they say anything, no matter what the situation.
Joshua looked solemner. "Is that so, you two? Then this means war, holographic nukes launched at your house."
And... let's throw in a space filling musical number from something entirely unrelated that I think is cool.
Some secret agents entered the room and started doing a song and dance number.
"What's this I hear?
What wonderous thing?
Is this the defcon klaxon's ring?
A flashing light
Above the door
There's just one thing it could mean...
"Oh what is it good for?
It's good for you
It's good for me
What is it good for?
It strengthens the economy"
"Get out of our pool room, you dole bludgers!" yelled Super Sam.
The secret agents scattered, and nobody noticed how nonsensical the insult was because none of them were Australian. No, not even Shwoo. She already has her major character trait.
And so, Wiki War II was declared. Looking at the chaos from a safe vantage point in the knowledge base were It's dot com and DorianGray. They were both sporting top hats, monocles, and handlebar moustaches.
"I say," said It's dot com. "It would appear that the fanstuff wiki is in chaos."
"The fanstuff wiki truly is the bowels of the Internet, what," replied DorianGray, adjusting his monocle.
Many fights, which I will skip over, later, both sides were exhausted. Especially the third gen because they're the underdogs.
"Charge!" yelled Shwoo, while adjusting her makeup and brushing her hair. Nobody charged because they were all too tired.
"We're all too tired to charge again!" said Chaosvii7, who I guess is a general or a major or one of those ranks now. "The second gens are too powerful!"
Bluebry approached them, wherever they were. Hovering in a white fog? "He's right, Shwoo. Everyone's too tired to charge and the second gens are too powerful. We'll never beat them."
"We should just give up now," said Im a Bell.
"I agree," said Homsar44withpie.
It was their darkest hour. I bet you're all sympathising with the heroic third gens and hating the evil second gens for making them... sad? Eeeevil second gens.
"We've got them on the run now!" said Joshua, waving around this awesome cutlass. "Tampo! Stlunko! Alternate universes!"
"Hurrah!" said the second gen army, an organised, trained and well-fed army contrasting with the ragtag third gen army. That's how you know they're evil. Good never bothers to do things well.
"I hate third gens!" yelled Dinoshaur, drawing a rousing cheer from the army.
"All glory to the forum!" said The Noid, then stuttered and corrected himself. "I mean, the second generation!"
Meanwhile, the third gen army was despairing. All of them, except for one person. Let's say it's... TheDenzel. Like all members of the fanstuff wiki, TheDenzel was a follower of the Church of the Fanstuff Wiki, which dealt with the creation and laws of the fanstuff wiki, rather than those of the real world, which are dealt with by the real world religions. So you can be a member of both. And that's how I saved Shadow Scythe's character trait. Which actually won't appear again in the story.
Unlike the other members of the fanstuff wiki, TheDenzel still believed.
"Why aren't you despairing, TheDenzel?" said Badstar in a despairing manner.
"Yeah, TheDenzel," said Homestar tiger, whose character trait is that he is a tiger. "Why aren't you despairing?"
"All we need to do..." said TheDenzel, in a mysterious and fey manner, "is pray."
"Pray?" said Sephiroth, who had lost his faith. That's Sephiroth the wiki user, not Sephiroth the Final Fantasy character. TheDenzel is not a grody old sponge, either. Just so you know. "To the God and Goddess? They're just a myth."
"But you must believe!" said Znex, also in a fey manner. TheDenzel's impassioned plea had influenced his way of thinking. "The only thing left is belief!" I don't know what that means, but I guess it sounds like it could mean something deep. Maybe.
"Yes!" said Bluebry and Shwoo, apparently in unison. "Belief in the old ways is the only chance we have anymore!"
The second gens were even more lapsed than the third gens, so naturally they wouldn't have thought of this. Silly second gens.
Right at that moment, Rainer, the God of Organisation, and Jenny, the Goddess of Creativity, were playing chess together. Which is pretty impressive, since they live on different continents and everything.
"Someone is praying to us!" said Rainer, putting his hand on an ant's nest and changing it so that its work was done 50% more efficiently.
"Indeed," replied Jenny, who is a Stargate fan and so would never pass up a chance to talk like Teal'c. Absent-mindedly, she doodled a picture that would've made da Vinci weep with joy, if he'd known what a Homestar was.
The second gens were feeling uneasy.
"I feel uneasy," said NachoMan.
"We can all read the narration," snapped Super Sam. "Let's go, men! I mean mates! Charge!"
So they charged. Suddenly they hit an invisible wall!
"Ouch!" said Vindicator, because he'd just run into a wall.
Two figures appeared, first as though viewed through mist, then as solid as everyone else. Solider, probably.
"The God and Goddess!" said Chwoka, reverently. He removed his helmet, which was really just a picture of his forum avatar.
"The third gens are under our protection now," said Rainer, in a big booming commanding voice.
"Now Rob and I will cleanse you of your evil and you will be pure once more," said Jenny in a similar voice, except accented more like Coach Z apparently. Personally I can't hear it, but maybe you have to be American to notice.
"Who's Rob?" said Rainer, looking around.
"Oh no!" said all the second gens, because evil people don't like being turned good, and all think of themselves as evil.
But no matter how they ran, they couldn't escape the cleansing bath of annihilation. Light. I mean the cleansing bath of capital L Light.
"We've won!" said Y2K, the only third gen who was paying attention.
"We've won?" said Strong Intelligent.
"We've won!" said Zoo77.
"Hip hip hooray!" said all the third gens.
"We will only use our powers for good now!" said brainwashed The Mu.
"Instead of evil oppression!" added Super Sam and Joshua and Shadow Scythe.
"Hooray!" said the second and third gens. "We're all together again and at peace!"
And they had to be, because the first generation had their sights set on the wiki, a race of Cthulu-like elder gods bent on the destruction of all that had come after them. The nearly renamed second-and-a-half generation would do well to enjoy their time of peace while it lasted.