User:Shwoo/TV Show/The Wrong Passage

{The characters’ house, which is a typical suburban home. They’re all at breakfast, except for Tabitha.}

ANGELA: As you all know, it’s Lenny and Clarissa’s birthday next week, and—

CLARISSA: {Handing Angela a long list} These are the presents I absolutely must receive or I’ll be the laughing stock of all my friends. {Distracted} Especially Ginny. I hate her so much. {She regains her focus and hands Angela another list. Angela lifts it up and it unfurls to cover most of the table} And here’s everything else I want. {Handing Angela a piece of paper} And here’s what you can get for Lenny.

{Angela looks at it. It reads “A PAIR OF SOCKS (CLEAN ONES)” in Clarissa’s neat cursive}

ANGELA: {Rolling up the long list} Clarissa….

CLARISSA: I’ve also taken the liberty of scheduling a hairdresser’s appointment to get my hair coloured wine red. It’s the in look this season.

{She pats her hair. Angela sighs}

ANGELA: Clarissa, you know I can’t afford that.

LENNY: {Rolling his eyes} Probably because she used your credit card to buy some dress last week. I think it was expensive, too.

CLARISSA: For your information, it was several expensive dresses.

ANGELA: {resigned} How did you get my number?

CLARISSA: I bribed David with a book, of course. {They look at David. He’s reading a book entitled “Fauna of Antarctica: The midge and beyond”, using telekinesis to hold it up} Weirdo.

REGGIE: Well, time to disown her. {He somehow pulls a sheaf of paper out of his pocket} I got the papers all ready to go.

ANGELA: I can’t do that, Reggie.

REGGIE: {irritated} Why not?!

ANGELA: Well, for one thing it’s against the lore.

REGGIE: {Shaking head} One more reason to hate the lore. {Clarissa shoots a fireball at him under the table} Ow!

ANGELA: Reggie, stop baiting your sister. Clarissa, stop assaulting your brother.

REGGIE: {reluctantly} Yes, mom.

CLARISSA: {Simultaneously} Yes, mother.

{David looks up}

DAVID: I don’t understand the attraction of celebrating the date of one’s birth.

ANGELA: There are a lot of reasons, but the thirteenth birthday is… special. It marks your coming of age, your entry into adulthood.

REGGIE: What, are we Jewish now?

DAVID: Actually, our religion sprang from the same roots as Judaism, Christianity and Islam, though it split off far earlier than the latter two.

{He goes back to his book}

ANGELA: Yes, thank you David. You must undergo a rite of passage on your birthday before you can be considered an adult in the eyes of the lore.

{Lenny looks up from his breakfast, worried}

LENNY: A what?

REGGIE: You know, a Bar Mitzvah.

DAVID: {Irritated} Not Jewish.

ANGELA: All we do is test your powers. It happens to everyone of our lineage. In fact, Reggie had it happen on his thirteenth birthday.

REGGIE: I did?

ANGELA: You wouldn’t remember, but you did very well.

LENNY: {worried} You can do badly?

CLARISSA: {singsong} You’re gonna fa-il!

ANGELA: You’ll do fine, Lenny. Don’t worry about it.

LENNY: {Is not reassured. He puts his head in his hands, then lifts it back up} What’s taking Tabitha so long?

CLARISSA: Oh, she got kidnapped by quasi-demonic entities at like two in the morning. {The others stare at her} It took me an whole hour to get back to sleep, and I think I… {She notices their stares} Ugh, do I have to tell everyone everything around here?

{Lenny bangs his head on the table repeatedly}

{Lenny eats lunch at school with his girlfriend, Nathalie}

LENNY: And in conclusion, my life stinks. Tabby’s missing, I have to do this stupid rite thing…

NATHALIE: Aw, I know you’ll do great!

LENNY: Why does everyone keep saying that?

NATHALIE: ‘Cause it’s true! {Lenny puts his head in his hands again} What’s the worst they could do?

LENNY: {Muffled} Rip off all my limbs and stuff them down my throat?

NATHALIE: Maybe they’ll make you do an obstacle course! {Lenny nods with his head still in his hands} Or maybe you’ll turn into animals!

LENNY: {Looking up} Huh?

NATHALIE: Or maybe your spirits will be ripped from your bodies!

LENNY: {Worried} Is this some sort of alien thing?

NATHALIE: And then I’ll have to nurse you back to health!

LENNY: {Upset} Thanks, but I’d rather not—

NATHALIE: {Dreamily, as Lenny starts to bang his head against the table again} We can take a holiday to Eris, and I can show you the sights, and the Eris…ians can sign your casts, and… {Lenny slides out his of seat and onto the floor} Lenny?

{Tabitha is standing in a cage with laser bars in a cave. There are a couple of small demons outside the cage. She doesn’t look at all worried or frightened.}

LACKEY DEMON: And then we’re gonna suck your magic out! What do you think about that?

TABITHA: I think I’m hungry.

BOSS DEMON: Go get her something to eat! We can’t have her starving before the full moon!

TABITHA: {Sitting down} I like bacon and eggs.

{Lackey Demon starts to walk away}

LACKEY DEMON: Okay, whatever.

TABITHA: And thick shakes. Oh, and those hot dogs with ketchup and mustard and cheese and—

LACKEY DEMON: {Offscreen} I get it!

BOSS DEMON: {To Tabitha} What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you terrified?

TABITHA: My brothers and sisters will save me from you mean demons! They can do anything.

BOSS DEMON: They’d have to find you first.

TABITHA: They’ll find me.

{Later, in the characters’ living room. Lenny is lying on the couch in the fetal position, David is sitting next to him with his eyes closed, and Nathalie is talking to Angela}

NATHALIE: He’s been like this since lunch! I have no idea why.

{Lenny twitches}

ANGELA: {Worried} What was he doing? Wrestling a Mare? {She pokes Lenny} Lenny? Can you hear me? {Lenny moans} What’s troubling you?

LENNY: {Muffled} Go away!

{He vanishes}

ANGELA: Where—

DAVID: {Without opening his eyes} [Linen closet.]

{Angela opens the linen closet and looks inside. Lenny is curled up on the top shelf. Nathalie stands behind Angela}

ANGELA: Lenny, this is silly. You need to talk about it.

LENNY: Nu-uh!

REGGIE: {Coming up behind them} Just leave him. He’s probably just stressed about the Not-Bar-Mitzvah thing.

NATHALIE: But I told him he’d do really well! I even told him I’d nurse him back to health afterwards!

{Lenny whimpers from inside the cupboard}

ANGELA: Is that what this is about? {Lenny whimpers again} Lenny, there is nothing to be afraid of. There’s no pain involved.

REGGIE: Except for the part where they remove your BRAIN!

NATHALIE: {fascinated} Ooh…

ANGELA: Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t even remember.

REGGIE: {Grabbing his head} The memories! The horrible repressed memories! Oh, the pain of it all!

{He falls down and groans}

NATHALIE: {firmly} Lenny, you need to stop moping and come out of the closet!

{Reggie stops groaning and laughs uncontrollably. Angela looks at him disapprovingly}

{Tabitha is eating a hamburger. She puts it down half eaten}

TABITHA: I’m bored.

LACKEY DEMON: {To Boss Demon} Why did we have to kidnap her now? Why didn’t we just wait until full moon?

BOSS DEMON: Idiot! Do you know how long it takes to get approval from the IDU to abscond with superpowered eight year olds? I’ve been waiting months for this!

LACKEY DEMON: So why can’t you wait a few more days?

{Boss Demon opens his mouth to speak, closes it again, then knocks Lackey Demon down with a blow to the head}

TABITHA: {more insistantly} I’m bored!

BOSS DEMON: You go entertain her.

LACKEY DEMON: {Sitting up} With what?

BOSS DEMON: A puppet show or something, how should I know? {Muttering} I don’t know why I hire from a temp agency.

{The demon gives Tabitha a Bible Stories puppet show. Currently visible is a Cain puppet and an Abel puppet. Cain holds a stick, Abel holds a crook, and they both speak in Lackey Demon’s falsetto}

Cain Puppet: I’m Cain, a farmer!

Abel Puppet: And I’m Abel, a shepard!

Cain Puppet: God likes your dead animals more than my dead plants! Die!

{He beats the Abel puppet with his stick}

Abel Puppet: Ow! Ow! Ow!

{He falls down, and a God Puppet with a large flowing beard comes up}

God Puppet: {Deep voice} Where didst Abel go…est?

Cain Puppet: Am I my brother’s keeper?

God Puppet: Yes, thou art that.

Cain Puppet: Oh. Abel had to go… over there… {Points to his left}

God Puppet: {Growing huge} Thy hath slain thee brotherest! I banisheth thou to the land of Nod!

Cain Puppet: {Sadly} Yes, sir.

{Lackey Demon comes up from behind the puppet thing. He has made the puppets by morphing his hands}

LACKEY DEMON: And they all lived happily ever after. Except Abel. Because he was dead.

{He looks at Tabitha. Tabitha starts to cry. He sags}

TABITHA: That story was too sa-ad!

LACKEY DEMON: Uh…

{He ducks again, and holds up the Abel puppet}

Abel Puppet: Wait! I’m alive!

God Puppet: {Coming up} Abel ist aliveth? All is forgivenest!

{God goes back down}

Cain Puppet: Yay!

Abel Puppet: Yay!

{The demon looks up again. Tabitha laughs. The demon looks relieved}

{Clarissa stands outside the linen closet. Reggie is overacting on the floor again}

REGGIE: My back! {groans} My neck! My… um… umbilicus!

CLARISSA: {To Lenny} Would you just come out of the closet? {Reggie starts laughing again} Shut up Reginald, it’s not that funny.

REGGIE: {laughing} Yes it is!

CLARISSA: {To Lenny} It’s been four days! Do you know what I’ve had to go through to get clean linen?

REGGIE: Why didn’t you just ask him for your junk?

CLARISSA: I said clean linen! {Lenny throws a towel at her} Ew! {Fires her hands, burning up the towel in the process} When you come out of there, I’m—

DAVID: {Offscreen} [I found her.]

{David, Clarissa and Reggie meet in the living room}

DAVID: Where is Lenny?

REGGIE: Wussy-baby didn’t want to come out. {Laughing} Of the closet…

{Clarissa fireballs him in the chest. Reggie yelps and rolls around on the ground to put out the flames. He has a burn mark on his shirt for the rest of the episode}

CLARISSA: Can we get this over with? I still haven’t chosen the perfect dress for my birthday. Where is our dear helpless baby sister?

DAVID: In a cave near Mount Gwenworth. Lenny can teleport us nearby.

REGGIE: {Sitting up} If we can convince him to co… {Clarissa fires up her hands again} To stop sulking.

DAVID: I will make an attempt. {Reggie rolls his eyes and yawns, accidentally hitting Clarissa in the face} [Lenny, we have to save Tabitha.]

{Clarissa fires her hands and hits Reggie in the back, knocking him down. David doesn’t hear anything from Lenny. Reggie stands up and tackles Clarissa}

DAVID: [She could be in real danger!]

{Cut to the cave. Tabitha and Lackey Demon are playing cards. Lackey Demon’s hand is visible. He has a 3 of clubs, a 6 of clubs, a Queen of hearts, a 4 of clubs and a 2 of clubs}

LACKEY DEMON: Got any fives?

TABITHA: We’re playing poker.

LACKEY DEMON: I know…

DAVID: [Lenny?] {Clarissa and Reggie fight for a bit} [Lenny!] {Clarissa bumps into the couch, which starts smoldering} I suppose we’ll have to go without him.

{He notices that the couch is on fire and yells. Reggie pushes Clarissa off him and stands up}

REGGIE: {Pointing} If Tabitha was here, she could’ve put that out.

{In the cave, Lackey Demon is putting on another puppet show for Tabitha, who is bored. This one is based on Red Dwarf. He has a Lister puppet and a Rimmer puppet}

Lister Puppet: {Bad scouse accent} You’re a smeghead, Rimmer.

{A fireball hits Lackey Demon and he jumps up and looks around. David, Reggie and Clarissa are standing in the mouth of the cave. Reggie and Clarissa are attempting to pose dramatically.}

LACKEY DEMON: Hey, they came! {He rushes them. David trips him over telekinetically and Clarissa fireballs him repeatedly, though it doesn’t really hurt him} Quit it!

{Reggie kicks him across the room, and he hits the wall and stays there}

REGGIE: {Cheerfully} Well, that was suspiciously easy. {He walks over to Tabitha’s cage as a shadow rises up behind him} C’mon, Tabby, let’s—

TABITHA: Reggie, look out!

{The shadow, Boss Demon, jumps up and hits Reggie hard on the head, knocking him out}

CLARISSA: Idiot.

{She adopts a fighting pose, and Boss Demon hides underneath Reggie. Clarissa holds a fireball}

BOSS DEMON: You can’t hit me without hitting your brother as well.

CLARISSA: {Scoffs} Like I care.

BOSS DEMON: You’d have to kill him to even bruise me.

{Clarissa prepares to throw the fireball}

TABITHA: {With teary eyes} Don’t do it, Clarry! I know you love him deep down! I know it!

{Clarissa thinks}

CLARISSA: You’re right. Too many witnesses. {Tabitha giggles nervously} David, lift up the dead weight.

DAVID: [I can’t. He’s too heavy]

CLARISSA: {Sighs} If you want something done right… {She walks over to Reggie and pulls him away from the demon, which leaps up and claws at her face} Get it off! Get it off!

{David is too busy laughing to help as she stumbles around trying to pull the demon off her face, eventually running into the cage and knocking herself out. David looks around}

DAVID: Um.

{He raises his hands in surrender}

{Lackey Demon presents The Demented Cartoon Puppet Show, with a stick figure puppet and a bomb puppet}

Juliet Puppet: Romeo? Romeo? Where aree youu Romeo?

Ziggy H Bomb Puppet: Here I am!

Juliet Puppet: You’re not Romeo!

Ziggy H Bomb Puppet: Zeeky Boogy Doog!

{Lackey Demon comes up from behind the puppet thing. He has a few bandaids on his face}

LACKEY DEMON: Boom. And then the world blew up. {Rolling his eyes} Again.

{A reverse angle shot reveals that David, Clarissa and Reggie are now in the cage as well. Reggie is laughing, Tabitha is confused, Clarissa is bored, and David isn’t paying attention}

REGGIE: {Still laughing} That’s pure comedy! I wish Lenny was here to see this!

CLARISSA: {Scathing} If Lenny were here, we’d be out of here already.

TABITHA: But… But why does the world keep blowing up?

DAVID: Shh. [Lenny? Lenny? Come in, Lenny.] {He chuckles to himself} [Lenny!]

{Angela carries Lenny, who’s fallen asleep, into his room}

DAVID: {This is exactly what he was saying in the last scene, without the chuckle} [Lenny? Lenny? Come in, Lenny. Lenny! …Mum?]

ANGELA: {Looking at the ceiling} Yes, David?

DAVID: [We got captured by some demons and we need Lenny to teleport us out before they suck our magic out.] {Angela puts Lenny down on a bed} [That’s my bed.]

ANGELA: Sorry, dear. {She puts Lenny on the other bed} Lenny is very nervous about his rite of passage. I’m worried about him. When do the demons intend to suck your magic out?

DAVID: [They mentioned the next full moon. Will Lenny be well by then?]

ANGELA: I hope so. That’s his birthday.

DAVID: [Please talk to him. We need him. Please stop kicking me, Clarissa! I have to go.]

{Angela sits down on Lenny’s bed and puts her head in her hands}

{Later, Lenny opens his eyes and sits up, looking around. He checks his watch and whimpers}

LENNY: Mom!

ANGELA: {Offscreen, faint} Yes?

LENNY: What day is it? {Angela’s response is inaudible} What?

ANGELA: {Offscreen, faint} Come downstairs!

{Lenny teleports into the dining room, where Angela is eating a sandwich}

LENNY: What day is it?

ANGELA: {Ironically} Happy birthday.

{Lenny whimpers again}

LENNY: Do I have to do that rite thingy?

ANGELA: Yes, you do.

LENNY: I don’t wanna. {He looks around, the table is conspicuously empty} Where is everyone?

ANGELA: They went off to save Tabitha and got themselves captured.

{Lenny looks shocked}

LENNY: Why didn’t you say anything?!

ANGELA: I did. Multiple times.

LENNY: I didn’t hear you!

ANGELA: And David kept trying to reach you.

LENNY: I didn’t hear him either!

ANGELA: Lenny, it’s okay to be nervous, {Hesitant} but maybe… not that… much?

LENNY: {Clearly making it up as he goes along} Actually, I… I think it was probably a concussion… from when I was banging my head on the table!

ANGELA: {Skeptical} A concussion.

LENNY: I think maybe I should start wearing a helmet or something.

ANGELA: Then I missed a perfectly good chance to teach your brothers how to treat—

DAVID: {As Angela says “Brothers”} [Lenny?]

LENNY: Yeah?

{Angela stops talking}

DAVID: [Clarissa has a message for you… But I can’t relay it because I have moral objections toward profanity. Are you well now?]

LENNY: Pretty much. Are you okay?

{The scene switches to the cave. Reggie is watching another puppet show and laughing, Clarissa looks ready to murder someone, Tabitha is drinking a thick shake}

REGGIE: {Still laughing} Do the one where the cheerleader gets cerebellum’d again!

DAVID: [The demons will suck our magic out tonight, we haven’t exercised for 72 hours, which is very bad for you, by the way, and Reggie is choosing the entertainment, but other than that, we are unharmed. Could you please come and help us?]

LENNY: [Sure.]

DAVID: [Thank you.] {Turning to the others} [He’s coming.]

{They express relief}

CLARISSA: Finally! {She throws a fireball at the bars of the cage. It shrinks and goes out on impact} If I have to watch one more stupid puppet show…

LACKEY DEMON: Hey, I’m doing the best I can. What do you mean, “finally”?

CLARISSA: Nothing I’d want to tell you. {She gets her birthday list out of her pocket and scribbles on the back. Then she shows it to the demon} Do this one with puppets.

LACKEY DEMON: Uh… Okay.

{He morphs his hand into a Clarissa puppet and puts on a high pitched voice}

Clarissa Puppet: I am Clarissa, and I will destroy all that is good!

{He morphs his other hand into a random citizen puppet}

Random Citizen Puppet: Oh no! The end is nigh!

Clarissa Puppet: Die!

{The Clarissa puppet attacks the citizen puppet}

Random Citizen Puppet: Help! I’m being killed with death!

CLARISSA: {Smirking} Much better.

{She puts her hands behind her head and stretches}

{Lenny wanders around in the forest. He is wearing a backpack and different clothes}

DAVID: [Now you turn left.] {Lenny turns left} [I mean right] {Lenny turns right and walks into a tree} [I’m sorry, I was right the first time] {Lenny groans} [Could you hurry up, please? It’s getting dark.]

LENNY: You’ve led me off course ten times already!

DAVID: [It was three.]

LENNY: What I’m saying is, it’s not my fault I’m taking so long to get here.

DAVID: [Reggie would like to relay the comment that it is your fault that you were hiding in the linen closet like a little baby for a week.]

LENNY: I had a concussion!

DAVID: {To Reggie} [He says he had a concussion] {To David} [Reggie would like to respond with a long, drawn out “sure”.]

{Lenny mumbles under his breath}

{The cave again. It is dark. Lackey Demon is pulling the cage out of the cave and grunting. He soon gets it outside}

LACKEY DEMON: Behold, the light of the… wait a second…

{It’s cloudy}

BOSS DEMON: {Looking outside} Are they trembling in fear yet?

REGGIE: Is it me, are these monsters of the week really lame?

{Lenny in the forest. Only his eyes are visible}

DAVID: [You are going the wrong way.]

LENNY: It would help if I could see! {The moon suddenly comes out. He’s in a clearing by a cliff} That’s better. {He hears Tabitha screaming and looks up at the cliff} Tabby! {He teleports onto the top of the cliff, where Boss Demon is holding Tabitha, and David, Reggie and Clarissa are trying to break his grip} Here I am to save the day!

REGGIE: Took you long enough!

{Lenny teleports into the cage, grabs Tabitha, and teleports out again, taking his siblings with him}

BOSS DEMON: Hey!

{He advances on them}

LENNY: Hurry up, Tabitha!

TABITHA: {panicked} What do I do?

LENNY: Shoot him!

{Tabitha shoots Boss Demon with ice. He dodges, but not fast enough, and crumbles into dust. Lackey Demon notices this and runs away}

LENNY: That other guy’s getting away…

TABITHA: I liked him. He was funny. And he gave me lots of food.

{Clarissa pelts the demon with fireballs. He yelps every time one hits him, but he keeps running}

REGGIE: Can we go now?

LENNY: Sure! {They all link hands. Lenny teleports them high up into the air, just long enough for them to react, then he teleports them back} Oops. {He teleports them into the ocean, again just long enough for them to react, then teleports them back} Or maybe we’ll walk.

{Later, they’re all in the backyard of their house. Lenny, Clarissa and Angela are standing up, the others are sitting down. Angela puts her hands on their shoulders and closes her eyes. They start to glow. For a second, they appear to have wings. Reggie jumps. Then the glow dies down again. Angela smiles and opens her eyes}

ANGELA: You both did very well.

LENNY: {Rubbing his back distractedly} Wait. That’s it?

ANGELA: Yes, that was the rite.

LENNY: All it did was make me tingle! {Reggie starts laughing. He tries to say something, but gives up and just keeps laughing} Are you saying I hid in the linen closet for days because of this?

CLARISSA: {Smug} But brother dear, you said you had a concussion.

LENNY: I, well, that’s what I meant! I had a concussion because of the stupid rite!

{Credits. Lenny interrupts the credits to complain some more}

LENNY: It only lasted five seconds! It hurt worse when I lost my first baby tooth! I hate everyone, so much!