Unholy Parenthood/UPEp2

{episode opens to the tardis.}

ESTELLE: {Sneezes}

{a box of tissues flies in from offscreen and hits Estelle in the face}

UNHOLY TRACY:{offscreen} ...DAMMIT, THB!

THB:{offscreen} Teehee.

ESTELLE: ... {Sneezes in the direction THB is in}

{pan over to THB}

THB:{is holding head, which is covered in snot. It looks like he is about to throw his head at Estelle} RRRR...

{UT runs in and tackles THB}

OLDER ESTELLE: I think she/me is sick.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Crap. What do you think it's from?

THB: My guess is she got something from all those corpses that you've been eating.

OLDER ESTELLE: Well, there IS a bright side to this. It will give you more training to being a good father.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...I highly doubt it will work. The only way I know she's gonna survive is because you're here.

OLDER ESTELLE: Just try to make her better or {Transforms into Ganon} DIE. {Turns back}

UNHOLY TRACY: Okay, let me look through my backpack of pain... {pulls out a book, throws offscreen, pulls out a baseballbat,trows offscreen, some vodka, drinks, pulls out some cough syrup} Ahh, here we go. {takes out a rather large spoon} Er...

THB: Ma-

UNHOLY TRACY: Say it, and I will reduce your nuts to blood mixed with dust. {jabs the spoon in THB's eye-socket, pull out a normal tablespoon, pours some of the cough syrup onto it, holds it to Young Estelle's mouth} Estelle, drink this.

ESTELLE: I don't wanna!

UNHOLY TRACY: ... {snaps fingers} There. Now it's tuna-flavored.

ESTELLE: YAY! {Drinks it, but sneezes and spits it all over THB}

THB: EWEWEWEWEWEW.

UNHOLY TRACY:{puts some more of the cough syrup in the spoon, snaps fingers} Drink it before you sneeze again.

ESTELLE: Oka- {Sneezes and blows the cough syrup off the spoon. Its about to hit UT, when it stops in midair and all of a sudden, hits THB... again}

UNHOLY TRACY: ... {pours more of the cough syrup into the spoon, snaps fingers AGAIN, sticks it in Estelle's mouth} SWALLOW IT. NOW.

ESTELLE: {Swallows it. Sneezes, and sends the spoon flying and it hits THB in the balls.}

{a cracking sound is heard}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Oh holy hell.

THB:{eye twitches, vomits, vomits up blood, passes out}

OLDER ESTELLE: Well, hopefully that will wo-

ESTELLE: {Sneezes}

OLDER ESTELLE: Crap.

UNHOLY TRACY: Um... {warps up some chicken noodle soup, hands to Young Estelle} Eat this. It might help.

OLDER ESTELLE: Oooh, SOUP! {Takes the soup and swallows it all straight out of the bowl} Mmmmmmmm..... ...What?

UNHOLY TRACY: Odd. I thought you might sneeze again and fling the soup onto THB's nuts. Well, I can still make that happen. {warps up some more soup, pours it on THB, who promptly explodes}

OLDER ESTELLE: HAHA!

THB:{reappears}{in a British accent} I'm not dead yet!

OLDER ESTELLE: Err... what the hell?

UNHOLY TRACY: Me and THB are total freaks. You should have known that when you arrived here.

THB: It's true!

ESTELLE: {Sneezes again}

THB: Yay! It didn't land on me this time!

UNHOLY TRACY:{pulls a previously unseen lever, dropping a 40-Ton Weight onto THB}

OLDER ESTELLE: Heh heh.

{the weight breaks in two, revealing THB, completely unscathed, and holding a piece of plywood, which he promptly smashes in UT's face}

UNHOLY TRACY: ... {pulls out a knife}

OLDER ESTELLE: Shouldn't we be helping out younger me?

UNHOLY TRACY: Yeah, probably. {sticks knife in THB's eye socket, gets up} What do you suggest?

THB: I think we should-

UNHOLY TRACY: SHUT UP! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!

OLDER ESTELLE: Wait, he could have a good idea. Yes, THB?

THB: Okay. I think we should pay her twenty bucks to get rid of her cold.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...I told you it would be a stupid idea.

OLDER ESTELLE: Well... my grandpa knows how to get rid of a cold.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Please explain to me how I am going to tell Badstar that his son has been flung into who knows where be God, who is currently a cat? ...No answer, huh? Whatever. {walks over to the control panel, flips a few switches, presses a few buttons, pulls a lever. the TARDIS starts shaking} Next stop; Badstar's house!

{cut to outside Badstar's house. The TARDIS appears}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Walks out} Well, this is the place.

UNHOLY TRACY: I know. {rings doorbell}

{Badstar opens the door, taller.}

BADSTAR: Oh, hi Tracy! Its been years since I've seen you!

UNHOLY TRACY: Yeah. But my name's Unholy Tracy now.

THB:{from TARDIS} Hey, Badstar, guess what! Bell's dead!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...DAMMIT, THB!

BADSTAR: ...WHAAAAAAA!?!?

UNHOLY TRACY:{sighs} Yes. Bell is dead. He sacrificed himself to destroy a being he created. His name was Ll e bami. I'm sure you've heard of him.

BADSTAR: Yeah. I met him in a crappy movie that was remade a long time ago...

UNHOLY TRACY: Uh huh. Well, uhh, listen, we-

THB:{from TARDIS} Oh, and your son got himself placed in some random spot in the universe after he pissed off God!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...THB, STOP IT! YOU'RE TECHNICALLY BELL, SO YOU SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO MAKE BADSTAR CRY!

BADSTAR: {Crying}

THB:{walks out} UT, you know that I'm only Bell's sadistic side. I'm SUPPOSED to cause pain to people. Physical AND emotional.

UNHOLY TRACY: ... No wonder one of Bell's best friends was the son of Death...

OLDER ESTELLE: Maybe you should explain...

UNHOLY TRACY: Right, well, Badstar, your granddaughter, Estelle, has been put in my care. She's sick, and I don't know anything about human, let alone catgirl, health.

BADSTAR: {Sniff} Well... take this... {Hands him soup} This is my special soup that cures colds... it may help...

SOUP: DOOOOOOOOOOM

UNHOLY TRACY: Hmm... {takes a sip of the soup} ...That's made of human. It wouldn't work.

BADSTAR: ...No it isn't.

UNHOLY TRACY: Good sir, I have eaten humans of all kinds. This is definitely human.

BADSTAR: No. No it is not.

UNHOLY TRACY: Then what IS it made of?

BADSTAR: Pickles, marmalade, flour, A DS, and a barrel of nuculear acid.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Yeah, that'd kill her.

BADSTAR: Nobody else I gave it to died from it.

UNHOLY TRACY: Who'd you give it to?

BADSTAR: Everybody I know! And they're not dead! SO HA! HAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

UNHOLY TRACY: OKAY, OKAY! I'LL TRY IT! {to older Estelle} Go get Estelle, please.

OLDER ESTELLE: {Grabs bowl, runs to the tardis. A few minutes later, a loud sneeze is heard} OH GOD!!! THERES SNOT EVERYWHERE!!!

UNHOLY TRACY:{walks into the TARDIS} It can't be THAT ba-OH GOD IT'S WIKIHOOD III ALL OVER AGAIN!

{OOC: If you didn't know, in Wikihood III, UT's TARDIS gets filled with cheese.}

BADSTAR: ...I'm guessing it didn't work.

UNHOLY TRACY: Gee, ya THINK? {pulls out a large, wet towel, hands to Badstar} You have to help clean up the mess.

BADSTAR: Oka- OH NO MY BACK. {Falls down} Looks like you have to clean it yourself!

UNHOLY TRACY: ...That's not funny.

BADSTAR: ... Its YOUR flying phone booth thingy!

UNHOLY TRACY: It's YOUR Granddaughter!

BADSTAR: She's YOUR responsibility!

UNHOLY TRACY: It was YOUR soup!

BADSTAR: YOU'RE the one that made that girl give it to her!

UNHOLY TRACY: That girl is YOUR granddaughter, but from the future-AW CRAP, I WAS'NT SUPPOSED TO REVEAL THAT, WAS I?

OLDER ESTELLE: DAMN IT, KINDA DAD!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: Um... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {runs off}

{Cut: Back at the Tardis}

OLDER ESTELLE: Well, THAT didn't work out...

THB: ..Hey, where'd UT g-

{UT runs in and kicks THB}

OLDER ESTELLE: Well, now what do we do?

UNHOLY TRACY: Um... I'll set course to Planet Tunawellness of the Plot Device Galaxy. It's a planet of sentient tuna with cold medicine for blood. ...Yeah, I don't know how that works either. {presses a few buttons, pulls a lever. The TARDIS starts shaking}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Falls down} CRAP! {Gets up. Falls down} CRAP! {Same thing happens} CRAP! CAN YOU STOP THIS THING FROM SHAKING!?

{the TARDIS stops shaking}

UNHOLY TRACY: Well, we're here.

OLDER ESTELLE: God, get this thing fixed! It took us 4 months to get here!

UNHOLY TRACY: Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess! I'm sorry a monster made of pizza filled this thing with cheese and converted it into a pod, because it's OBVIOUSLY my fault! {kicks open the door} Let's go.

{Cut to a river of tuna medicine}

UNHOLY TRACY: Eat and drink as much as you want, young Estelle.

ESTELLE: Yay! {Starts drinking out of the river}

{An hour later...}

OLDER ESTELLE: So thats when I decided to become lesbian.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...What? We watched Estelle eat out of that river for an hour and then you said "So that's when I decided to become lesb-

OLDER ESTELLE: I SEE YOU ARE SHOCKED.

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Slightly.

THB: I'm actually kinda turned on.

UNHOLY TRACY: SHE'S SIXTEEN DAMMIT

THB: ...And?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...I SAID SIXTEEN, NOT EIGHTEEN.

THB: Oh. Oh, right.

OLDER ESTELLE: Friggin' perv...

ESTELLE: I'm all done!

{pan out to show the entire river has been drank}

OLDER ESTELLE: {Chuckles} Oh, me...

UNHOLY TRACY: So, are you still sick?

ESTELLE: I don't think so...

OLDER ESTELLE: YAY! We did it!

{Cut to the tardis}

OLDER ESTELLE: Well, this was a short episode.

ESTELLE: {Sneezes}\

OLDER ESTELLE: {Drops down on her knees} WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

{OOC: Ignore that last thing}

OLDER ESTELLE: CRAPCRAPCRAP

UNHOLY TRACY: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH {kicks THB in the balls}