The Super Cryptogamer Super Show!/EP9

NARRATOR: We are here about a legendary tale. The day Cryptogamer created Jam, he unknowingly sealed away the dangerous demon Camazotz. But now, Camazotz is about to be released.

{open: the top of a mountain. SG and CG are here.}

SG: Okay, after that last mess, I don't think I want to go back. Ever. So, for whatever reason, I'm teaching you magic. Normally, magic can only be used by certain shadows, and other things, like demons, but anything can also join in, if they have a magical artifact, like this. {holds up a scarab, petrified in a clear stone on a string.}

CG: ooh shiny {takes}

SG: Okay, now all I have to do is power that baby up. {shoots a bolt of magic at the necklace (now around CG's neck) A bolt of lightning strikes at the same time, and part of the energy goes up and into the sky. Cut to Jam, going down a street.}

JAM: Chu Ch Chu, Chu Chu (Seems like a storm comin' up. I better get inside, before){A bolt of lightning strikes Jam} CHUUUUU-{Suddenly, Jam's voice becomes, deep, gravelly, and ownright demonic.} Gah! Finally! I'm free. Goodbye, Xibalba, hello- wait, where's the cult? This isn't Zapota... {Cut to Raiku, who is in an office}

RAIKU: Why the hell am I in an office and wearing office clothes? {turns to his normal clothes} Much better. {gets a call} Hello?

MAN: Yeah, there's this thing- I saw it, it's alive, it's hu-AAH!!!

RAIKU: Sounds like a demon. Guys, let's go. {cut to CG and SG, along with the Yates crew, outside the Yates. A growl is heard, and the ground shakes.}

SG: What the hell?

{Suddenly, Jam flies-- yes, flies-- right in. He now has a humanoid body, with a large, batlike head and wings.}

SQUATCHA: NO! NOT YET! NO 2012 NOW! {runs inside}

JAM - ABOMINATION: Ah, you there, red eyes, you are the one who freed me, the almighty Camazotz?

ZOE: Isn't that a plan-

CAMAZOTZ: Quiet, girl! I speak only to those who bask in the glory of the great Camazotz! Now, red eyes, what is your name, and I suppose you want wishes, as well. I have a full stomach, so I can grant your desires to the fullest extent.

SG: Wait, how'd you get here?

CAMAZOTZ: I guess my awesomeness caused you to momentarily forget. I just suddenly awoke via magic in this new, rather sticky, form.

CG: Dammit, Squatcha. I told him to- {Raiku teleports to the place with Raggon, Rift, Giovanni, and Meg.} What, IT'S THE CAMAZOTZ. Watch out, it can shoot lasers out of it's mouth.

CAMAZOTZ: What in Seven Death's name are you talking about, and why are you not bowing down in awe?

RAIKU: I am the devil's son, Raiku.

CAMAZOTZ: Which one? You look like one of Two Death's sons to me.

ZOE: Um, doesn't anyone care tha-

CAMAZOTZ: Quiet! Now, you were saying?

RAIKU: I was saying, you are going down. CAPTURE ON! {pulls out capture container, and trys to suck him up, but his soul is still blocked}

CAMAZOTZ: You aim to send me back, eh? Let's see what my buddies have to say about that... {eerie, foreboding music plays as day suddenly changes to night. A huge horde of bats flie in and begin attacking everyone}

RAIKU: Raggon, fire! {raggon shoots fire at them.} Meg, time for a quake. {meg makes an earthquake.} Giovanni, Shock them. {giovanni electrocutes them} Rift, time attack! {rift freezes them in time and slices them with his katana.} Time for a cold snap! {freezes them}

CAMAZOTZ: This is all getting very annoying. DIE! {Summons a larger group of bats, and this time joins in, managing to bite Giovanni}

{Giovanni copies their ability, growing wings. He flies at them.}

CAMAZOTZ: Heh... {snaps fingers; Giovanni flies back and begins attacking Rai and co.}

SG: {whispering, to CG} Wait a sec... remember the old legends? The only way to make him vulnerable is challenging him to a game of ulama.

CG: Dude, how? The game's hard as hell!

SG: Exactly...

{Cut to Raiku}

RAIKU: However, I'M A ULAMA CHAMPION {pulls out ulama paddle}

SG: What the hell's that?

CG: I dunno man.

SG: I thought we were under attack from a bat man and some kinda demon right now.

CG: Yeah- Hey, where'd everyone go? {pan to the window of the Yates. The gang, minus Jam, SG, and CG of course, are looking outside. They pull the blinds down}

RAIKU: I'm the good guy. I hunt demons, and Camazotz is mine.

SG: No I mean that thing you're holding.

CAMAZOTZ: If you hunt demons, then you'll also have to get your friend. {Points to Giovanni, standing next to Camazotz}

RAIKU: I can reverse him with magic, after i get you. "People don't like my way, so make them follow everything I say." Bats, attack Camazotz {they attack camazotz}

CAMAZOTZ: You seem to forget that I happen to be a bat deity. {the bats swarm Raiku}

CG: Rai! Remember that he- {Is swarmed by bats as well}

RAIKU: "I am trying to save the day, so make those bats go away." Phew. RICK

{rick teleports in.}

RICK: What?

RAIKU: Turn Giovanni back.

RICK: "The bat Giovanni is cool, but I like Giovanni old school." {Giovanni turns back to normal}

VOICE: We now interrupt this progrum for a commercial message again. {cut to some commercial}

VOICE: Vampires givin' you the blood-suckin' blues? Never fear, Dr. Van Nairesing's patented Nosferatu-Be-Gone kit will make 'em up and up and up and crumble to ashes! Try out the solar-strength flashlight for the kindling effect, Great-Gramma's Garlic-flavored blood soup for the upchucking innards effect, and the Twilight box set for the disgusting them so much they lose their will to not not live! Available next Friday. {Cut back}

CG: Rai! Remember, the legend of Hunahpu and Xb-OH NO NOT AGAIN {is again swarmed by bats; the bats fly away, leaving a vampirized Crypto

VAMPIRE CG: Bleh Bleh.

SG: I got it! Yo, Utarefson! {Utarefson enters}

UTAREFSON: TISSUES!

{Raiku is bit, blood comes out.}

RAIKU: Meh.

{heals back.}

RAIKU: EAT MACHINE GUN BEOTCH {shoots Camazotz with his assault rifle.}

CAMAZOTZ: {to CG} Does this guy always ignore your repeated attempts to tell him how to do things right?

VCG: {nodding} Bleh Bleh.

CAMAZOTZ: Oh well. At them, my pretties! Obtain me an army once more! {Scores of bats fly at Rai, Giovanni, Rick, Raggon, Meg, Shadowgamer, Utarefson, and Rift}

SG: {begins blasting bats}

UTAREFSON: CHEESECAKE! {just walks around, idly doing nothing}

{everyone but Raiku, Utarefson, and SG are turned into vampires/}

VAMPIRE RAGGON: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

CAMAZOTZ: ...Why that tacky-lookin' half-wit demon hunter just won't die is beyond me. And the other two... things....

SG: FYI, I'm a being of pure darkness, Utarefson's already a vampire, and Raiku's a demon.

CAMAZOTZ: Oh. Well, I'd best be off. I got a world to conquer, you know. {He and the rest of his vampire army take off}

RAIKU: Come on, we gotta chase after them. {sees a guy on a motorcycle, knocks him off and gets on.} Race you. {starts riding towards Camazotz}

SG: {sighs, then turns and walks to the Yates. He claps his hands, and a grey Impala is revealed as a door slides up. Vid reluctantly gets in the driver's seat, while SG rides shotgun and Utarefson is tied up in the rear. They follow Raiku.}

CAMAZOTZ:Huitzolopotchli damn it, stop tailin' me!

RAIKU: Huitmekoan I say, Huitmekoan! (Huitmekoan means shut up) {shoots him}

SG: Hey, bloodbreath! We wanna challenge you to one of them fancy prance ballgames of yours! Right, Rai?

RAIKU: Yeah, and loser leaves Earth forever!

SG: {whispering} Uh, dude, the winner dies in this twisted excuse for basketball.

RAIKU: Ooh, so we have to lose?

CG:Yup. Course, we gotta make it look like we wanna win, it's confusin. {to Camazotz} SO LET'S DO THIS, YA SONOFA.... what's a female bat?

CAMAZOTZ: Gah, nevermind, I accept, worthless peons! SHAQHFHSDKJFH! {SG, Raiku, Camazotz, and vampire CG are transported to a demonic ball arena. Y'know, the ones with the sideways rings for that game that's like soccer and basketball combined.} I serve. {he hits the ball to Raiku}

{Raiku knocks it up, and kicks it to SG, who then bounces it on his knees, and headbutts it to vampire CG, who slaps it with his hands. The current score is 2-0 for SG and Raiku, Rai's serve. Raiku kicks the ball up, and blasts it towards SG, who body slams it tward the goal, but misses. 2-1.}

{cut later. Raiku's team wins.}

RAIKU: What? No!

CAMAZOTZ: HAHAHAHA!

RAIKU: Camazotz, I challenge you to a battle!

CAMAZOTZ: Peh, fine, roach, but I will soon look forward to chopping off your head.

RAIKU: Oh, I'm not the one you are battling. I'd like you to meet Gillian. She is a vampire, but not the bat kind. {teleports Gillian over.}

GILLIAN: Nice to meet you, luv.

CAMAZOTZ: What. The. Zapota.

GILLIAN: I'm about to tear you limb from limb, Batman.

CAMAZOTZ: Sorry, girly, but I'm gelatinous now. I'd probably just reform, y'know?

GILLIAN: I don't think so. SG, what's his weaknesses?

SG: You have to find a way to knock that nail out of his head!

CAMAZOTZ: {pretending to casually put his hand on his head} What nail?

GILLIAN: I see it. {runs and grabs it, but can't pull it out.}

CAMAZOTZ: Of course, babe. I'm immortal.

CG: Ew, did that disgusting eldritch abomination hit on that vampire girl? That's so gross I got transformed back. Oh, and some guy named 5 Death told me to give you this. {hands a small parchment to Camazotz}

CAMAZOTZ: "Dearest Camazotz, we regret to inform you that your immortal status has been revoked for one (1) century due to leaving a vehicle parked in an unacceptable place." {Cut to Jam's bowlmobile-thing, being towed away. Cut back} "Best wishes (ya stupid), The Mayan Council." Well... dammit. You seriously don't wanna hurt me, right?

RAIKU: Think again. {blasts him in the head, and sends him back to the underworld, leaving a pile of jam behind.}

CG: Hey, thanks for the help, Rai. SG and I better clean up this goop and get Jam back to normal. Rhana'khou!

RAIKU: Any time. Except for Thursday. That's Raggon's group therapy day.

CG: Heh, I bet he needs it. See yo! {cut to later. CG is in a dark laboratory. A small chamber is rumbling violently, then suddenly stills. A hatch on the door opens, and the red contents ooze into a small bowl on wheels. CG then dips a nail in a bowl with Squatcha's feather floating in water, and mumbles something. He then places the nail in the red substance, and gives it an electric shock.}

CG: Please work this time, please oh please let it be over...

JAM: ... ... ... ... ... ...Why is it so dark in this place, assy?

{a deep, booming voice speaks up}

VOICE: I have told you before, Cryptopher Gamére, you cannot cheat me. Especially with a method you have tried before.

CG: ...I hate you.

VOICE:' Bwahhahahahahah! {A small, batlike spirit floats up into Jam. End 'sode}