(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Wikihoodremake/eps/1
Summary
An expedition goes wrong, and everyone must fight to survive.
Transcript
{A group of people are seen inside a cave, exploring. One of them is fairly tall, medium build, and sporting a flashlight.}
SEPHIROTH: So... these are the legendary caves of time... Amazing.
{marissa walks onscreen, opposite the way the others were walking. she's holding many clocks}
NOXIGAR: As much as I like the direct wild wrench approach to introducing the plot, it's a little too straightforward and I don't know if everyone here is a keeper.
MARISSA: They're not called the caves of time for nothing. Look at what I found! {takes a clock that looks like a black puffle out of the pile she's holding}
SEPHIROTH: Interesting... Lemme see that. {Takes clock, and inspects it.} Hmm... Yep. It's perfectly normal. {Gives it back. He notices another clock that Marissa is holding.} NO WAY! ....Is that a Felix clock?
MATURE BLING: ...I believe it is.
SEPHIROTH: That could go well in my kitchen. {Takes it.}
MARISSA: If you think this is a weird find, you should see {the camera shows a cave, with grandfather clocks of many sizes, shaped, and wood shades are growing out of the cieling and ground} the stalagtites and stalagmites. {cuts back}
SEPHIROTH: Yep... This is the caves of time alright. Apparently, there is this legend that says you are able to gaze into time itself if you concentrate hard enough here.
MARISSA: Does that describe the weird green flashing lights, or is that just the bad tacos from last night?
NOXIGAR: I for one would enjoy knowing about the bad tacos from last night.
SEPHIROTH: I'm not sure.... I'm guessing it's reflection of the caves surface.
MATURE BLING: ...Gaze into time, eh? Hmm... {stares into the caves, eyes explode} ...Did it work?
SEPHIROTH: Umm.... Nope.
MARISSA: {running around in circles frantically} Eye goo! Eye goo! AAAAGH!
MATURE BLING: ...Crap. {stares harder, even though he has no eyes. watches pop out of his eye sockets} What about now?
MARISSA: {stops running, stares at the watches, confused} You keep fake gold watches in your eye sockets?
SEPHIROTH: Umm.... You've got clockeyes. Lemme try.. {Closes eyes, sits down, and starts to relax on the ground.} ......
MATURE BLING: ...I don't know what you're talking ab-{watches start pouring out of MB's eye sockets} OH GOD WHAT THE F-{watches start pouring out of MB's mouth}
{A shovel bursts out of the ground, being held by a red boxing glove.}
MARISSA: ...I'm gonna go... pick a grandfather clock. {walks offscreen}
MATURE BLING: MMMMMMFFFFFFF-{head bursts into flames}
NOXIGAR: If only I knew what was going on.
SEPHIROTH: Wait... something is happening... {Opens eyes and stands up. He looks around the area funnily.} What is this I am seeing... Wait... are those Pyramids... {A buzz is heard, and Sephiroth reverts back.} Peculiar.
MATURE BLING:{head stops being on fire and pouring out watches. New eyes form in MB's eye sockets} Oh, you meant looking at different points in time? I thought you meant looking at time ITSELF.
{Muffled cries of help are heard under the boxing glove holding the shovel}
MATURE BLING: ... {grabs the boxing glove, pulls Badstar out from under the ground} ...Badstar?
SEPHIROTH: Oh, hey Badstar.
BADSTAR: OH DEAR LORD THANK YOU!!! I was trapped under ground for days while exploring the cave.
SEPHIROTH: Find any treasures? And don't say a watch or a clock. We've found loads too.
BADSTAR: Well... I found a pink cell phone, a lucky cat statue, and a screw attack.
{OOC: Guess the reference. I DARE YOU.}
{OOC: Kirby/Metroid >:D}
NOXIGAR: I'm pretty glad we changed from OOC to actually making use of the discussion pages and using footnotes otherwise.
SEPHIROTH: Interesting...
MATURE BLING: ...Badstar, do you even recognize me? God, I haven't seen you in YEARS!
BADSTAR: Wait... Bling!? Is that you!?
MATURE BLING: Yes, it's me. I-I haven't seen you since I lived back in Wiki City. And that was about 10 years ago!
BADSTAR: {Tears coming to eyes} I-its been so long...
{Long pause}
BADSTAR: ...Can I have a hug?
MARISSA: {walks back in. she's holidng a grandfather clock. a small pink gem is on it} Hey, badstar.
MATURE BLING: Well, you're gonna need one when I tell you this...
BADSTAR: W-what do you mean?
MATURE BLING: ...Y-you see... Bell's... dead.
BADSTAR: ...W-...what?
MARISSA: Can we have this sap fest later? Like, when I'm not around?
NOXIGAR: BUT BELL'S DEAD HOW CAN THAT NOT BE SAD?
{Cracking noises can be heard from above. Looking up, everybody notices a cloaked figure. He is hanging by a stalagtite. As everybody looks up, it breaks off, and crushes Sephiroth.}
CLOAK: So much for the element of surprise...
MARISSA: Okay, who are you, and why are you in the cave of clocks?
DAGGER: Wait. Did you say clocks? I thought this was the cavern of cloaks...whatever. I'm looking to gain me some treasure. You guys seen any?
BADSTAR: {Crying} I-I... h-have a pink... CELL PHONE!!! {Continues to cry and throughs phone at Dagger's head}
MARISSA: I found a weird pink opal shard that looks like a nine. Look what it can do! {turns it around four times. after the first turn, its green, then blue, then red, then back to pink}
{Sephiroth crawls out.}
SEPHIROTH: Damn! {Crawls over to Marissa.} Umm.. you're a nurse right? Can you fix mangled legs? {Points to his leg, which was crushed.} And you... {Crawls to Cloak/Dagger.} WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM‽‽‽
MARISSA: Of course I can. {opens up her backpack, takes out a few parts, which she attaches to create a leg brace around sephiroths leg. she then takes a roll of gause out of her backpack, to cover up the leg. she then takes a few more part, which she attaches to make crutches, and hands them to sephiroth} Just likes with yvonne.
SEPHIROTH: Thanks...
MARISSA: No problem.
SEPHIROTH: Now... Shadyman! What the hell are you playing at?! {Attempts to walk over to him, but trips, landing painfully.} Oww....
MATURE BLING:{is standing beside Badstar, trying not to cry about Bell's death} ...I'm fine. Reall-OH GOD NO I'M NOT WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH {starts crying}
BADSTAR: {Sniff} C-...can I have that hug now?
MATURE BLING: Y-YES {hugs Badstar}
BADSTAR: S-so... w-when did he die? Last week or something...?
MATURE BLING: Hmm... It's 2814, so... Seven years ago...
BADSTAR: ...W-WHAAAAAAAAT!? H-he's been dead all this time... and I never even knew?
MATURE BLING: ...You never friggin' call us, man! Even when we call YOU, you never answer! We thought you dropped off the face of the Earth! ...But then Bell did. {starts laughing, stops} ...I'm sad again. ...Oh, by the way. Sarah died, too. ...And Tracy fused with Bell's body, effectively removing him from existence. ...And the Skullbuggies were destroyed in an event I'd rather not mention. So, I'm the only one left.
NOXIGAR: Again I'm a little lost. Is this Bell Backstory Time or did I stumble into a different section of the Caverns of Time from where Sephiroth and co. are?
MARISSA: I'm just here looking for hessonite garnet. It's the only gem we forgot!
MATURE BLING: ...Shut up, you. Nobody cares about your collection of gems. {notices the gold Raiku conjured up}
MARISSA: If it were my collection, would I have said we? Also, {clonks mature bling with her backpack}
MATURE BLING: ...Thank you for having absolutely NO consideration for our dead friend.
MARISSA: Which lost friends? I dozed off at friggin'.
MATURE BLING: ...Im a bell?
CLOAK: You seem vaguely familiar. Do you by chance have a membership or a friend who is in the nation thieves guild?
NOXIGAR: Nation Thieves Guild?
MATURE BLING: ...Who, me?
DAGGER: No, the other insane person in the room.
MARISSA: {sarcastically} How helpful. {normal} Isn't everyone in this room insane in a way?
DAGGER: Give or take. So, I was knocked out by an idiot and his careless misuse of a cell phone. What did I miss while I was out?
{A door mysteriously appears out of nowhere on one of the walls. After a while, Monolith comes out of the door and the door disappears.}
MONOLITH: Hm, strange.
CLOAK: Apparently not that...who the hell are you?
{Rick walks in.}
RICK: What's going on?
DAGGER: WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE COMING FROM, AND WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T I KILL THEM ALL?
MATURE BLING: BELL IS DEAD WAAAAAAHHHHH {punches Rick in the face}
MARISSA: Um... Bye! {rushes off}
RICK: Who's Bell?
CLOAK: Screw this with a metal pole. I'll be right back.
{A sivler-cloaked version of Cloak(Dagger) appears.}
CLOAK: Seriously. What's up with all of this?
DAGGER: Damned if I know. Probably all involving the fact that we're in some sort of cave in the middle of nowhere. Or we're in a Walt Disney ride.
NOXIGAR: I like the Walt Disney ride idea. Too bad that this episode is confusing as all hell.
CLOAK: No, I'd have more signatures in that case. {Holds up Disney autograph book, then throws it.} I can only presume that this has something to do with the scientific fact that is so well known it-
DAGGER: Just, just stop while you're ahead.
CLOAK: You're right. So, what should we do?
DAGGER: Probably run them down for all they happen to know.
CLOAK: Good idea. Interrogtaion.
NOXIGAR: interrogation
{Dagger disappears, and Cloak turns to Rick.}
DAGGER: Say, unknown stranger {wink wink} dare I ask your name and reason of being here?
RICK: Rick Adamson, and I got lost.
{Ana walks in.}
CLOAK: And is she your companion?
RICK: Yeah, she was also lost.
CLOAK: So you guys aren't an item.
RICK: Nope. She's married.
{Lemon walks in with a few rubber ducks}
LEMON: Does anyone know how to... oh wait your talking. Carry on then.
SEPHIROTH: Guys! Be careful! This cave isn't very stable. Any sudden move could cause an avalanche. And you 3...4! {Points to Cloak, Rick, Ana, and Monolith} What is your business here?
BADSTAR: {Sniffs. Stopped crying} Y-yeah! What are you doing h-.... {Passes out}
SEPHIROTH: Eek. This will wake him.. {Picks up a block of ice, and puts it at the back of Badstar's neck.}
BADSTAR: {Shivers, but other then that, he shows no sign of waking up}
MATURE BLING: ...Dayum.
MARISSA: {runs in, holding a large purple gem} Hey, guys! Look what I fou- {trips on a rock, landing face first on the ground. the purple gem his a large ceiling to floor stalactite right nect to the cave entrance, causing the cave entrance to collapse. everyone looks at her, angry} Whoops.
{Cut to a blue glowing void-like area. Badstar appears}
BADSTAR: W-what the hell!? Where am I!?
VOICE:{deep and echoey} Hello, Badstar.
BADSTAR: GYAH!!! W-who are you?
VOICE: ...My name is not important.
BADSTAR: Um... okay. B-but what is this place and why am I here? I have a right to know!
VOICE: You're weak, Badstar. Weaker than your cathuman son when he was a child.
BADSTAR: H-HEY! Do you honestly think I'll just let you insult me like this? A-and how do you know about my son?
VOICE: I know many things, Badstar. And if you want to fight me, I'll just conjure up a fake form for you to destroy all you want.
{a glowing Gilligan appears}
GILLIGAN?:{with the deep, echoey voice} Well, Badstar? Do you want to fight me? I'll let you beat me up as much as you want.
BADSTAR: What the...!?
GILLIGAN?: Badstar, in this realm, I can do anything, be anything, and cause anything. Now, are you going to fight me, or not?
BADSTAR: If it'll make you shut up! {Punches the Gilligan clone in the face}
GILLIGAN?: Well, well, well. It seems you are not as weak as I thought. But let me make sure of that. {head explodes}
BADSTAR: GAH!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THIS PLACE!?
NOXIGAR: I agree.
{the Gilligan clone melts and disappears}
VOICE: Now some And I Must Scream. IT'S-
NOXIGAR: "Now some And I Must Scream" sounds like a good future episode title. It's so Word Salad I love it!
{cut to a destroyed city. It is raining. Badstar appears. He tries to move and say something, but he finds he cannot. He can only think. The shadow of an unknown being appears on a wall of a destroyed building}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: GAH!!! W-whats going on!? WHY CAN'T I MOVE!?!?}
{a figure darts from behind one ruin to another. However it went by too fast to see clearly}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Whoever took me to this place in the first place, I want you to know, that if you're listening, I HATE YOU}
{a scream is heard. It sounds suspiciously like Gilligan}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: What!? G-gilligan!?} {Tries to run. When he fails, he tries harder} {Thinking: Grrrrr...} GRRAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! {Breaks free. Falls down, but gets back up. Runs towards the scream}
{Gilligan is being chased by a shadowy, ape-like figure. Gilligan trips and falls. He looks behind him to see the shadow-ape standing above him}
NOXIGAR: I'm going to guess we're just watching Lex play Donkey Kong Country Returns.
{OOC: Can you guy wrap this up soon? Everyone else wants a go too.}
{OOC: Okay, fine.}
{Suddenly, the city floods. Cut back to the caves. MB is pouring buckets of water on Badstar to wake him up}
SEPHIROTH: Damn it! Try playing that mobile phone loudly!
MATURE BLING: Wait, I think he's waking up! Badstar? You okay?
BADSTAR: {All of sudden wakes up} GET ME THE {bleep} OUTTA HEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE!!!!!
{Sephiroth slaps Badstar.}
SEPHIROTH: Snap outta it!
BADSTAR: H-huh? {Looks around} Oh thank god, I'm back! {Kisses ground}
SEPHIROTH: Creeeeeepy.... {Gets out a bag of potato chips.} Anyone want any?
MATURE BLING: Badstar, w-what happened?
BADSTAR: IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! I WAS IN THIS SCARY PLACE AND THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS LIKE "YOU'RE WEAK" AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT" AND THEN I WAS IN THIS CITY AND I COULDN'T MOVE AND THIS SCARY THING WAS CHASING MY SON THEN THERE WAS A FLOOD.
MATURE BLING: BADSTAR HAVE YOU BEEN EATING TOO MANY SWEETS BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP AGAIN
NOXIGAR: Wait does Badstar have diabetes?
BADSTAR: B-but... its true! It all happened! It was all real! You have to believe me!
MATURE BLING: I DO believe you, Badstar. L-look, could you tell me again what happened? In detail?
{One long explanation later...}
MATURE BLING: ...Strange. Well, the flood was probably from me dumping water on you to wake you up.
MONOLITH: I believe you humans were asking what our business is here.
SEPHIROTH: Pretty much.. {Shines flashlight at Monolith.}
DAGGER: The better question is why are any of us here?
SEPHIROTH: I am here for an expedition. Legend has it that this cave holds a rare and valuable gemstone, called the Chronos Gem. It's only been seen in sketches and such. It's supposed to allow you to not only see into time, but to go within it itself. I need it for this time machine I am creating. It can see into time for a maximum for 5 minutes before shutting down.
CLOAK: Oh. I came here for the treasures inside, but all I found was this giant piece of Rock Candy. {holds up Chronos Stone.}
MONOLITH: Hm, I believe you found the Chronos Stone, a weaker variant of the Chronos Gem.
{Noxigar writes down "Chronos Gem" as a potential Wikihood collect-a-thon item}
SEPHIROTH: Oh yeah.. I heard about them.. they allow you to see about 5 minutes into time... I'm using one for my machine.
CLOAK: No wonder why it tasted like the seventies...There's a little stalagmite to the north that's made out of this stuff. Didn't see no gem, though.
MONOLITH: Perhaps the gem simply floated into a time stream.
SEPHIROTH: Hell, there is a possibility it might not exist at all. It's an unproven myth. I came here to see it can be proven. I hope it can..
{Another door appears. More appear, and more until there's a ring of doors around the group, with some space between the doors and the group. The doors open, and out come various Time Lords, including Znex.}
THE THIRD: Hmm, another group of adventurers. Interesting. Tell us, humanoids, what is your business here in the ruins of the Halls of Time?
SEPHIROTH: I'm looking for this artifact named the Chronos Gem. You heard of it? Wait... {Looks at Znex weirdly.} .... Anyways.. Yeah. Chronos Gem.
THE THIRD: The Chronos Gem is not for mortals, humanoid. I suggest you turn back.
CLOAK: Screw this with a metal pole. There's way too much going on at any one time. I'm going back to that stalagmite and see if I can't get it out of here and pawn it. Bye losers. {Floats above the crowd of people, and glides away.}
MARISSA: Um, is it purple?
SEPHIROTH: Blue.. But why not?
MARISSA: And rediculously heavy for it's size?
MATURE BLING: Hmm... I'll be right back. I think I see something a few yards off. {runs off, walks back holding a wooden crate} It wasn't the gem, just this box. {the crate starts shaking} ...?
SEPHIROTH: Wha?
THE THIRD: I suggest you do the same as your friend, mortals. {eyes glow red}
MARISSA: Is it?
{the crate busts open}
MATURE BLING: ...Wh-
{an unseen figure jumps out from the crate's remains and attacks The Third}
THE THIRD: GAH! {lifts the figure off him and strangles it until it is clear what it is}
MARISSA: Nevermind. {takes the opal shard out of her pocket, and spins it so it's green. she whispers something to it, turns it pink again, and walks off}
SEPHIROTH: Wait... stop! Stop fighting! As I said... Any sudden move could cause a...
{Everything starts shaking.}
CLOAK: RUN! {Cloak glides back, carrying the stalagmite.}
{The Third throws the figure onto the ground and stomps on it one last time.}
{The cave starts collapsing, blocking the exits and shrouding everyone in darkness.}
SEPHIROTH: Told you guys.
THE THIRD: {smirks} It does not matter with us. However you lot are trapped here. Serves you right for trying to discover the secrets of time unnaturally. {to the other Time Lords} Come, let us leave.
{The Time Lords walk back through the doors and close them. The doors disappear.}
NOXIGAR: Did I just stumble into a Dr. Who episode?
MARISSA: {offscreen} AAGH! Oh, wait, that's actually kind of helpful. {walks onscreen. a weird green liquid is on her hair, glowing, lighting the room} I'm back.
MATURE BLING:{picks up the mauled figure. It is revealed to be a golden cabbit.} ...Oh yay. I got a half-dead cabbit.
MONOLITH: What do we do now?
SEPHIROTH: We should try to find a way out.. And see if I can find the gem in the process.
MONOLITH: If those humanoids did not take it back with them first.
SEPHIROTH: I hope not..
MARISA: They said we should run, so I take it they didn't take... it.
MONOLITH: Agreed, it was more of a warning. Then it must be here somewhere.
SEPHIROTH: I've got the sketch here. {Holds up a picture of a blue glowing gem with some etchings on it. It is sitting on a pedestal that looks somewhat like a clock.}
MONOLITH: Hmmm, looks a bit odd, but that doesn't mean it isn't here. What about if we look for secret openings?
SEPHIROTH: We could... What's your name anyway?
MONOLITH: I am project MONOLITH, previously designated tanker loader. You can call me Monolith, however.
MATURE BLING: ...Um, could anyone help me with this?
SEPHIROTH: What? The cute half-dead thing?
MATURE BLING: ...Yes, you idiot.
SEPHIROTH: OOOH.. GET YOU.
MATURE BLING: ...BUT I DON'T LIKE ME
SEPHIROTH: Why do you need help?
MATURE BLING: I'M TRYING TO HEAL IT, OBVIOUSLY.
NOXIGAR: Obviously.
SEPHIROTH: Don't ask me then. Ask Marissa. Jeez, what crawled up your butt?
MATURE BLING: Umm... A scorpion, I believe.
MARISSA: What is wrong with you?
MATURE BLING: Shut up and help me heal this cabbit.
MARISSA: ...A what?
MONOLITH: I believe it is supposed to be a cross between a cat and a rabbit.
MATURE BLING: ...What he said. Now can you heal it, or not?
{Cut outside the cave. Cloak and Dagger split, and land.}
CLOAK: Alright. We've got a hunk of pure time-altering. What do we do now?
DAGGER: {flatly} We use it for the good of the world.
CLOAK: Are you an idiot? I think we should sell it.
DAGGER: HOLD IT! We could use this to pull off some of the greatest heists of all time, and still be alive to see how they affect this time period!
CLOAK: Yeah...I like it...we need to pocket it. Here' give it to me.
{Dagger hands Cloak the stalagmite, and he eats it.}
DAGGER: I THOUGHT YOU SAID POCKET IT!!!
CLOAK: Same difference. Think everybody made it out in time?
DAGGER: No.
CLOAK: Oh, well. {the two fuse back together} Sucks for them.
{Cloak floats off. Cut back to the caves}
MATURE BLING: SERIOUSLY ARE YOU GOING TO HEAL IT OR NOT
MARISSA: I'm a hospital nurse, not a mary-sue cross breed veterinarian!
NOXIGAR: Pretty sure that second phrase is not an actual occupation.
MATURE BLING: DAMMIT, MARISSA. {looks at the cabbit} HEAL, DAMN YOU.
{the Cabbit instantly heals itself}
MATURE BLING: ...I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED.
MONOLITH: It's the influence of the cave. I too can feel my machinery becoming newer.
SEPHIROTH: Time... Definitely. It's probably the contained essence of these Chrono Stones renewing us a bit. Nothing to be worried about.
MONOLITH: Speaking of Chrono Stones, where's that cloaked figure? It was holding one of them.
NOXIGAR: I'm just going to imagine Chaos and Lex playing Chrono Trigger while stoned and making passionate love on the floor.
SEPHIROTH: He left. I don't need the stone, I need the gem.
{Cut back to Cloak and Dagger, who are apart and still gliding.}
DAGGER: Ever feel like you're forgetting something?
{Cloak stops and lifts up his robe, to reveal ore robes under them. As he lifts it up, two katar, followed by tons of gold, jewel, artifacts, the stalagmite, and a teddy bear fall out.}
CLOAK: No, I have all my worldly possessions.
{Cloak lowers his first layer of cloaks and everything is vaccumed back under it.}
DAGGER: Right...Maybe we should go back to the cave?
CLOAK: For what?
DAGGER: Think; it may be hard to pull off heists with just one person. If we can trick them into helping us, that'd be even better!
CLOAK: You're right. QUICK! HIT REVERSE!
{Cloak slowly floats in the opposing direction without turning, making the usual backing up noises a car does.}
DAGGER: I'll just not take my time. {floats away}
CLOAK: Wait up!
{Cut back.}
LATER...
{Everyone is now looking for the gem except for Monolith, who's sitting down.}
SEPHIROTH: Hmm.. Where the hell is it? Wait.. {Notices a tunnel.} Hmm.. {Walks into the tunnel.}
{cuts to in the tunnel. marissa and sephiroth walk in. there are two subcaves in the cave. each cave has a few grandfatehr clocks in it}
MARISSA: May I see the gem photo again?
{Monolith follows them in.}
SEPHIROTH: Sure. {Hands the picture to Marissa.}
{marissa walks into each of the two subcaves, and looks at one clock in them. she stops in the right cave}
MARISSA: It's more likely to be down this way.
MONOLITH: Nah, it's a dead end.
MARISSA: Doesn't seem that way.
MONOLITH: Let me see... {walks down}
LATER...
{Monolith walks back.}
MONOLITH: Nup, it's a dead end. Though I saw some writing on the wall.
MARISSA: Let me see it.
{Monolith and Marissa walk back down and Monolith shows it to her.}
SEPHIROTH: {Offscreen} I'M GOING LEFT!
MARISSA: {squinting} Looks like a riddle.
MONOLITH: You're obviously looking at it wrong. It clearly says "The gem is for those who can suffer multiple deaths." And there's an arrow pointing towards a pool of lava.
MARISSA: {looks at monolith with a frustrated expression} Then why is it in the format of a four lined poem with no pictures?
MONOLITH: It's probably the formatting they used! It doesn't mean it is a poem.
{Cut to where Sephiroth is. It looks all steamy, and Sephiroth is sweating.}
SEPHIROTH: Oh god... It's boiling...
{sephiroths cell phones ringing. he picks up}
MARISSA: {heard on the phone barely} He picked up. There's reception down here. {talking into the phone} Hey, seph. Um, can you help us out? We're a bit confused.
NOXIGAR: I don't see the practicality of bringing cellphones to a cavern with influences in time.
SEPHIROTH: {Sounding exhausted.} What.. do you need?
MONOLITH: There's an arrow pointing into a pool of lava.
MARISSA: Monolith says the writing is a warning with a picture, I say it's a riddle with no picture. Can you help us out with finding out what it says?
MONOLITH: The arrow is ASCII. You see?
SEPHIROTH: Well, I am feeling quite hot.. Monolith could be right. Wait.. Whats this?
{Cut to the other side of the phone}
SEPHIROTH: Oh no.. oh no.. AHH!!! {Phone disconnects.}
MARISSA: He thinks it says {imitating screaming} aaaaah.
{Monolith sighs.}
MONOLITH: I'll go after the leader guy, you go after the other guy.
{Monolith and Marissa goes towards Sephiroth's cave.}
MONOLITH: Phew! It sure is hot here! My cooling system is already starting to run out of steam.
MARISSA: Ok, I guess.
SEPHIROTH: Whoa... Whoa...
{Pan forward to see Sephiroth walking on a narrow pathway above a pool of lava. The pathway leads to an altar of some kind, with a box on top.}
SEPHIROTH: Guys, I think I found it!
{Cut back to the other cave.}
CLOAK: Stop right there!
{Cloak flies in.}
DAGGER: We've come to save you.
CLOAK: And/or steal some more treasure.
{It turns out that they took the middle path, and that there's nobody there.}
DAGGER: I {splits up} told you they wouldn't be in the middle cave.
CLOAK: Why the hell not?
RICK: Help!
BADSTAR: SHUT UP, WHINEY!
CLOAK: Sounds like those two losers are down there.
DAGGER: Should we help them?
CLOAK: Hell no. Let's take the left path.
{The two leave that cave.}
{cuts back to the other cave.}
NOXIGAR: Those two sentences could flow together within the same bow-and-arrow brackets.
MARISSA: Awesome! {begins runnig on th narow pathway, but falls off. she catches the the side of the pathway, and begins climbing towards the box}
NOXIGAR: This spelling could use more correctness.
SEPHIROTH: {Just at the altar.} Could it be.. {Climbs up the stairs, and picks up the box, and opens it. A blue glow is emitted.} IT IS!! YES!!
{Cloak sweeps down and steals the Gem.}
CLOAK: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SEPHIROTH: OI! {Jumps up, and catches the gem. He is now hanging off it.} YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT YOU BASHOLE!!
NOXIGAR: What's a bashole?
MARISSA: {does a backflip, landing on the pathway} Why does my pocket feel warm?
{Cloak attempts to knock Sephiroth off by making him bump into walls.}
BADSTAR: {Runs in singing the indianna jones theme} DUN DUN DUN DUN... DA DA DA!!! {Lunges at Cloak but misses and lands on Seph}
CLOAK: TOO HEAVY! {the group plummets down, above the lava pit.}
SEPHIROTH: Whoa.. {Grabs the Gem from Cloaks hands, and laughs, but suddenly realizes there is lava below them.} CRAP.
MARISSA: {takes a few wooden parts out of her backpack, which she attaches into a crutch. she holds it out below sephiroth} Hold on!
{Cloak shakes Sephiroth and Badstar off, making them miss the crutch, and just narrowly grabs the gem before they get out of his reach. He flies over to Marissa.}
CLOAK: Sucks for them.
BADSTAR: Before I die, Seph, you're a great friend, and Cloak... you're an asshole!
{marissa whacks cloack repeatedly with the crutch}
NOXIGAR: "Cloack" has a crutch?
SEPHIROTH: Wait... {Takes off jacket and uses it as a lasso to tie onto the pathway. He pulls himself, and Badstar up.}
CLOAK: Oh, well...I still have the gem! {A bat flies by and steals it much like how Cloak did.} DAMMIT!
{marissa hits the bat, and hits the gem it drops. however, she doesn't catch it, for she covers her poocket quickly}
MARISSA: Why does my pocket hurt so much?
NOXIGAR: What.
{Cloak grabs the gem again.}
CLOAK: I almost thought I lost you!
{marissa takes the gem out of her pocket, which is now glowing. she begins tossing it from hand to hand}
MARISSA: Hot gemtato! Hot gemtato!
CLOAK: Wait...I think they put a fake in the box!
MARISSA: Why?
MONOLITH: It doesn't feel like the sixties?
CLOAK: Think;It'd be too easy to just have a short walk to get a powerful artifact. That's Brigandology 101; Always expect the unexpected.
NOXIGAR: I guess it's too late to sign up for Brigandology courses.
MARISSA: Hm... Was there anywhere we didn't check?
MONOLITH: {sarcastically} Hmmm, let me think...the pool of lava?
DAGGER: Did you guys ever go down the middle path?
MARISSA: ...No.
{they walk out of the cave. cuts to the three subcaves entrances.}
MARISSA: May I see the picture again?
CLOAK: I think Sephiroth's still hanging by the lava pit.
MARISSA: I'll get him. {tosses the others a ball of yarn} Have fun. {runs into the left cave}
{Sephiroth is walking towards the path, looking annoyed.}
SEPHIROTH: HERE'S THE PICTURE. {Shows the picture. It's the same blue gem, with foreign etchings on it.}
CLOAK: Marissa just went looking for you.
SEPHIROTH: You may be right about the gem. Look at the picture.
MARISSA: {runs back in} Whoops. {looks at the photo, and a grandfather clock in the middle cave} It does look more likely.
MONOLITH: Would it really be this easy?
NOXIGAR: Given we're almost done with this episode, yes.
MARISSA: Thats why we backed off.
SEPHIROTH: Look at the etchings. {Holds up picture, and then holds up gem.} Notice something?
{Cloak walks over to the middle cave, and notices the Grandfather Clock.}
CLOAK: When did that grandfather clock get there? {stashes it away in his cloak.} And where did it go? {shifts eyes;Everything begins to shake again.}
NOXIGAR: I wish there were more grandfather clocks.
MARISSA: I saw that. Also, they replace stalagmites and stalactites.
CLOAK: Is THAT why everything's shaking?
SEPHIROTH: God... Gem, have no etchings. Picture of gem does have etchings. See?
MONOLITH: Hmm yes, interesting.
CLOAK: I have an idea. {pulls out grandfather clock.} Give me the gem.
MARISSA: The shaking is obviously from the evil monkey demons that definatly exist.
SEPHIROTH: Alright.. {Gets the gem, and shoves it right at Cloaks face.} Here you go, you annoying thief.
{Cloak opens up the chest of the clock to reveal a slot for the Time Gem, and spits it in there.}
NOXIGAR: What happened to it being called The Chronos Gem?
CLOAK: Maybe the symbols were only on there because of these clocks. Or...{pulls out fake, runs to the other clock, puts it in it's slot.} The gem is much bigger than expected.
MARISSA: Well, are we gonna search for the real gem?
CLOAK: If my guess is correct, then we have most of the gem, the last piece must be...{The stalagmite falls out of his cloak.} Hmm... I wonder...{breaks open stalagmite to find another gem.} Of course! Marissa, if you would...
SEPHIROTH: Hmm...
MARISSA: AUGH! {covers her pocket} I think the gems are making the opal heat up.
SEPHIROTH: Come on! Let's do this!
MARISSA: Do what?
MONOLITH: Erm...put the gem together.
SEPHIROTH: Yeah!
{marissa walks over, grabs the smaller gem piece, and then gets the bigger gem piece. she attaches them, and then ssits down, bending her leg straight, covering her pocket}
MARISSA: CHARLEY HORSE!
{An old 50's song starts playing softly in the background.}
SEPHIROTH: Tastes like the 50's! ....IS THAT CHUCK BERRY?! I LOVE CHUCK BERRY!
MONOLITH: Now what?
SEPHIROTH: It's the gem! Look! {Holds up picture again, and compares it to the gem. They are both identical, etchings and all.}
BADSTAR: Oooooh, shiny!
SEPHIROTH: I guess we better find a way out of here, shouldn't we?
MONOLITH: We can always use the gem.
MARISSA: Yep.
SEPHIROTH: How?
MATURE BLING: Isn't it obvious? We use the gem to go back to before we get stuck in the caves and exit it.
NOXIGAR: Sounds practical.
CLOAK: If it's of any worth, I blew ope the caved-in enterance to get back in.
NOXIGAR: Nice blewing ope things.
SEPHIROTH: Oh.. Alright then..
CLOAK: Yeah, it seems pretty anticlimactic when you think of it...
MATURE BLING: ...Hmm... {looks at the cabbit} I'll name you... Kisekin.
NOXIGAR: I want a cabbit named Kisekin!
SEPHIROTH: Yes... It is quite anti-climatic. Nevertheless, I came what I was looking for. Now I am going to take this baby for a test run. Oh yeah, guys, if you want your payment for helping me, feel free to come with me.
MATURE BLING: ...Wait, why are there stairs in this cave? {walks over to some stairs that appeared out of thin air, looks down them} Hmm... Wh-
{suddenly, a shadowy figure pushes MB down the stairs}
NOXIGAR: Someone should've warned Mature Bling about stairs.
SEPHIROTH: 'the hell?
{the shadow reveals itself to be Skywarp.}
SKYWARP: Skywarp, Official Decepticon Stair-Pusher-Downer, at your service!
SEPHIROTH: Erm... Right... Off we go then. {Walks away to the exit.} You guys coming?
MATURE BLING:{climbs up out of the staircase} Yep.
SKYWARP: Sure, why not? Say, have you seen a golden cabbit anywh-{sees Kisekin} Oh, there he is!
MATURE BLING: Oh, is this yours?
SKYWARP: Yeah. But I haven't found a name for him yet.
MATURE BLING: Kisekin? It's a combination of kiseki, miracle, and kin, gold.
SKYWARP: Hmm... Okay!
{Everyone starts leaving.}
MATURE BLING: ...Wait, if you're Skywarp, how are you the size of a hu-
SKYWARP: D-don't ask.
MATURE BLING: ...Whatever.
SEPHIROTH: Come on!
{Rick, tired of waiting to be freed, breaks through. He leaves.}
MARISSA: Stupid stone feels like a house fire in my pocket... {limps out}
{Skywarp transforms into a full-sized jet}
SKYWARP: Get in!
{MB picks up Kisekin and gets in Skywarp. Skywarp starts flying towards the cave's exit, which is big enough for him to fit through, and then breaks through the cave wall directly above the exit}
CLOAK: Wait for me! {Cloak floats in Seph's direction.}
{Rick grabs Cloak's cloaktail, and hangs on}
BADSTAR: WAIT GUYS {Flies out}
{End 'Sode.}
NOXIGAR: It's impossible to keep track of everything in this Wikihood remake, and I don't understand why. I'm normally okay with archival binges. I can read all of Megatokyo within a day, and not be lost anywhere. I can read Homestuck within four days, and there's no problem. There were a couple fancomics that tried to be just as detail-heavy and long, and those weren't an issue either. Why am I having such a difficulty wrapping my head around this?!
