RiffText/SSXMails/Hyper Emeralds

SSXMail 2. Hyper Emeralds
Created On 14:04, 26 February 2006 (UTC)
Cast (in order of appearence): X On Fire, Homestar, Thatkidsam, Icreature, Clamburger, Bubs
Locations: Computer Room, Main Room, Front Door of XOF's House, The Field, Disney Magic Cruise Ship, Bubs' Consession Stand

XOF meets Thatkidsam and Icreature, and they quest for the Omega Starcarrier.

Transcript

{XOF is sitting at his computer. His X is still open,

LIGHTNING GUY: Seriously, man, zip it up! No one wants to see that!

and Homestar is trying to remove the wire from the previous easter egg.}

MR. CLOUD: but I couldn't find the easter egg I'm so confused

HOMESTAR: {takes something out} Is this it?

X ON FIRE: {speaking backwards} On.

HOMESTAR: Oooh, is this a game? Okay, off!

X ON FIRE: Toidi uoy, on!

LIGHTNING GUY: Avoid the Toid.

HOMESTAR: {puts back piece} Okay, I'll just take out this wiwey thingy. {takes out wire}

X ON FIRE: {speaking normally} How long did you know that was there?

HOMESTAR: Oh! About an houw.

MR. CLOUD: What is an houw in Earth time?

X ON FIRE: And why did you just take it out now?

HOMESTAR: Oh, I dwove.

X ON FIRE: You realize I'm going to kill you, right?

LIGHTNING GUY: This man is both a fire hazard and a menace to society! The people have a right to know!

HOMESTAR: I'm dot gone! {runs away}

X ON FIRE: Okay. Now then... {closes head, looks at computer.} If you don't email me, then you're toast!

MR. CLOUD: Can I be a Pop Tart instead?

a>open file_ssxmail.exe█

Dear X On Fire,
Have you ever heard of the Hyper Emeralds?

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, hail naws!

I heard that they glow when immense power is
near them. You could use it to find that ship-thingy!
Just come to my house to find it.

MR. CLOUD: Come on...{singing} I have candy...

Sincerely,
Thatkidsam

X ON FIRE: {while typing} Hyper emerald? Glow? Immense power? SHIP - THINGY? I'm on my way! {flies off through the roof}

LIGHTNING GUY: Doors are for squares!

{Thatkidsam walks in the door, Icreature floating behind him.}

THATKIDSAM: HEY! You're- Um, I guess he's not here... That's the last time I listen to you, Icreature!

ICREATURE: What? I predicted that he would have a wire stuck in his head, and that Homestar would attempt to remove it, so I thought it would take longer!

MR. CLOUD: No, I'm not a stalker.

THATKIDSAM: Oh, figures. I'll just go wait by those drainpipes. {Looks at Icreature} X On Fire likes drainpipes, right?

ICREATURE: Yes, yes, he does.

LIGHTNING GUY: He knows. He stuck his drainpipe in him last week.

THATKIDSAM: Good!

{Thatkidsam and Icreature leave the room, Icreature snickering.}

X ON FIRE: Wait a minute! I don't know where KiddieSam lives. {goes back into his house, and sees Thatkidsam and Icreature in another room} Oh, there they are. {walks over} Wait. If you told me to go there, why did you come here?

MR. CLOUD: There's nothing wrong with the fact that you just walked into my house uninvited, by the way.

THATKIDSAM: I realized that I don't really have a house. You wouldn't know to come to Bubs' Concession Stand, would you?

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, why do you live in

X ON FIRE: Well, you said HOUSE in the email, not LOCAL CONCESSION STAND.

LIGHTNING GUY: Also, why do you live in

THATKIDSAM: Err, umm, let's change the subject. I got a Hyper Emerald, and it's already glowing.

X ON FIRE: {Hyper Emerald attaches to self} I should have seen that coming.

MR. CLOUD: The force within you, nonmagnetic crystal, is strong.

THATKIDSAM: AGH! I knew there would be something wrong with it... Wait a minute, THERE ARE MAGNETS IN THAT THING! TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF!

HOMESTAR: {runs in} I'll get it! {takes out wire and pries off emerald, but gets wire stuck in the X} Ooops!

X ON FIRE: Doog ton si

LIGHTNING GUY: That's a ton of yes!

siht.

MR. CLOUD: Watch your mouth, young man!

ICREATURE: Um, I'll fix it. {Reaches a claw toward X On Fire's head, but is stopped by Thatkidsam}

THATKIDSAM: I don't trust you.

LIGHTNING GUY: And you're the face of innocence.

I'll just use the Clamburger.

{Thatkidsam whips out a remote and presses a button. A clam with a beef patty inside chomps across the screen towards X On Fire.}

BACKGROUND KINDERGARTEN SINGERS: Clamburger, clamburger, 1, 2, 3!

MR. CLOUD: The tastiest beef in the great blue sea!

LIGHTNING GUY: How would that work?

MR. CLOUD: Well, "beef" is subjective...

{When the Clamburger passes by X On Fire, the wire pops out and he can speak normally.}

X ON FIRE: {looks at Clamburger} What the heck was that?

THATKIDSAM: A plot device. I mean- um, it's my... Pet. That I... Didn't steal from... Super Sam. Yeah.

LIGHTNING GUY: what the heck is a super sam

X ON FIRE: You've been to Plot Device Pets 'R' Us?

THATKIDSAM: Er, yes. Anyway, let's go find that big ol' boat,

MR. CLOUD: TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MUTHAFLIPPIN BOAT

or whatever you're looking for.

X ON FIRE: The Omega Starcarrier...

THATKIDSAM: Yeah, that's the one. Just don't get it stuck to your head again, okay? This clamburger's expensive.

MR. CLOUD: It costs 5 whole European dollars!

LIGHTNING GUY: But I thought he lived in Austral-

MR. CLOUD: European dollars!

{They all head outside. The Emerald points east.}

THATKIDSAM: Then, we go west!

ICREATURE: That's east, doofus.

LIGHTNING GUY: You ain't the boss of me, Icky!

THATKIDSAM: Then, we go east!

{They all walk east for a while until the Hyper Emerald starts glowing more than usual. It is drawn toward the ground instead of east, and it eventually attatches itself to the ground after stabbing Thatkidsam's foot.}

THATKIDSAM: Ow! That was the toe I broke three times trying to walk through a doorway! Gah...

MR. CLOUD: Them doorways be some tricky stuff.

X ON FIRE: Hold on a second. {floats in midair, and telapatically makes a hole. The port of a large boat can be seen.

MR. CLOUD: EFF BRACKETS I'M ON A BOAT MUTHAFLIPPA

THATKIDSAM: Woah! Have we really found the Omega Starcarrier on the first try? Wow, that's lucky. Guess you should go pack your things, Fire Man.

X ON FIRE: Yeah, that's really lucky! Now... {grabs boat, and pulls it up} Hey! This is no Starcarrier! And it's definiitely not Omega!

{The boat is silhouetted as Super Sonic X picks it up.}

THATKIDSAM: In the instruction manual, it said that, in addition to tracking unspeakable power, it tracks... Unspeakable evil!

LIGHTNING GUY: Evil. I just said it. Am I dead yet?

{The boat is un-silhouetted, revealing... A DISNEY MAGIC CRUISE SHIP!}

THATKIDSAM: No! It's as bad as I thought! UNSPEAKABLE EVIL!

X ON FIRE: It's pure evil. Just like everything Disney.

MR. CLOUD: Yeah, those talking animals will give you nightmares.

THATKIDSAM: Well, this might actually be the Omega Starcarrier. They could have disguised it, because they didn't want just anyone to use it.

X ON FIRE: Hm... Let's try it out, then.

{X On Fire places the boat on the ground next to the hole. They all walk into the boat through a side entrance. Inside the boat, Thatkidsam attempts to start it. The engine roars, and the boat just plows through the ground under it. A crinkling noise is heard.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Icreature, I told you to use the bathroom before we left! Now look at what you've done!

THATKIDSAM: I'm pretty sure that this is just a Disney Cruise Ship. Wait a minute...

{The camera zooms in on the front of the boat. A roof is seen under it.}

THATKIDSAM: Was that your house?

MR. CLOUD: What a reasonable conclusion to make from a buried roof!

X ON FIRE: Oh, no! My house was torn down to make a highway bypass! Now, aliens are going to destroy the Earth and make a HYPERSPACE bypass! Quick, Thatkidsam! He have to hitch a ride on their ship and find translating fish!

THATKIDSAM: No, you're just paranoid.

X ON FIRE: Oh. Well, now what?

LIGHTNING GUY: Now we hold hands and sing songs about rainbows.

THATKIDSAM: Until your house is fixed, why not stay at Bubs'?

X ON FIRE: Better than nothing!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. The three are sitting there. Bubs is at the counter.}

BUBS: That'll be thirty three dollars! Cough it up!

MR. CLOUD: {coughs out a lung} It has to be in there somewhere. {coughs out a heart} Oh well, I never use it anyway.

{XOF "punches" Bubs in the face. He faints.}

LIGHTNING GUY: X On Fire must have some pretty weak knuckles to just pass out like that.

{The Paper comes down. "EMAIL XOF AT fireman.genericwebsite.net"}

Fun Facts

Easter Eggs

• Click On the 5 In Conses5ion to see the following scene:
  

{XOF is about to eat Clamburger.}

CLAMBURGER: Get away from me! I'm not edible! {throws wire at XOF}

X ON FIRE: Niaga

BLACK MAN: I, sir, am offended.

ton!

LIGHTNING GUY: And that's still a ton of yes!

References

• "I'm dot gone" is based on the phrase "Homestarrunner.net:It's dot gone?" when H*R.net died.
  • Actually, when I checked, that message was made on Burning Horizon's Strong Bad Secrets page.
• Clamburger is a bot run by Super Sam.
• Plot Device Pets 'R' Us is an obvious parody of Toys 'R' Us.
• X On Fire's rant when his house is torn down is a huge reference to the beginning of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

General Fun Facts

• This is the first email written by Super Sonic X and Thatkidsam together.