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<!-- I believe I have gone insane -->

NAMINE: Now why would the author go insane from his own creation?

FOUR WORDS

SKULLB: Hey, all. Skullbuggy here! Some of you may not have been here to see this, but this is ROBUTTNIKS MEAN BEAN MACHEAN. A classic of its time, it has been restored for all to see, for all to marvel in its glory. This is the story of a man named Dr. REBOTNEK and his assistants, SKRATCH and GRONDER. These three men fought against the republic of Mobius, a land where singing and fun was overabundant. In his anger, REBOTNEK decided to make Mobius less happy by creating the Bean Steamer, a machine made to turn beans into robots. From there, it just gets more powerful. So sit back, relax, and stack some beans.

NAMINE: Looking at the final product it's not easy to take this synopsis and put it into the "Chepters."

CHEPTER WONE

REBOTNEK SKRATCH GRONDER COME HERE

SKRATCH YES BOSS

GRONDER DURRH WHAT IS IT

REBOTNEK I HAVE MADE A BEAUTIFUL THING WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT

SKRATCH WHY OF COURSE

REBOTNEK I CALL IT THE BEAN STEAMER

GRONDER DURRH WHAT DOES IT DO

REBOTNEK WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK

NAMINE: I'm just going to hazard a guess and say that the complete and utter lack of punctuation proliferates the punchline.

GRONDER

REBOTNEK

GRONDER

REBOTNEK

GRONDER

REBOTNEK IT MAKES BEANS INTO ROBOTS

SKRATCH OBVIOUSLY

REBOTNEK WITH THIS I SHALL RID MOBIUS OF HAPPINESS FOREVER

SKRATCH WHAT

NAMINE: Good question.

REBOTNEK NOW I WILL SEND MY BEST TROOPS TO GUARD THE BEAN PRISONERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS

SKRATCH GOOD THINKING DR. REBOTNEK

REBOTNEK BUAHAHAHAHA

NAMINE: I wish Grounder had more lines. He's my favorite.

CHEPTER TOO

ERMS HELLO THERE GENTLEMEN MY NAME IS ERMS

ERMS

ERMS IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE LARGE ERMS

ERMS

ERMS IT IS A SUBTLE JOKE YOU MAY NOT HAVE UNDERSTOOD

ERMS I AM HERE TO PROTECT THE BEANS FROM BEING RESCUED

ERMS COME TO ERMS MY BEAUTIES

ONE SOUND THRASHING LATER

ERMS OH GOD I CANNOT WALK YOU WIN I GUESS

NAMINE: Wouldn't a better thing be "I NO LONGER HAVE ARMS TO HUG THESE BEANS WITH" or something along those lines?

<!-- Help! I'm trapped in a poorly thought-out collection of capital letters and I can't get out! -->

NAMINE: Is that a stray bean trapped in Robuttnik's machine?

FRANKLIN HELLO THERE OLD BEAN MY NAME IS FRANKLIN

FRANKLIN DO YOU GET IT

FRANKLIN IT IS BECAUSE I AM LIKE FRANKENSTEIN

FRANKLIN BUT I DIGRESS I MUST STOP YOU OLD CHAP

FRANKLIN HAVE AT YOU

AFTER A LONG WHILE OF STACKING BEANS

NAMINE: Didn't Franklin have a huge hubris and make fun of Arms for failing to defeat you? That could've worked into something funnier, I wager.

FRANKLIN I WAS SO VERY VERY WRONG

HUMPDY WHY HELLO SIR I AM HUMPDY

HUMPDY IT IS LIKE THE EGG STORY

HUMPDY HUMPDY DUMPDY SAT ON A WALL

HUMPDY YOU CATCH MY DRIFT CORRECT

HUMPDY GOOD FOR NOW WE MUST FIGHT IN A BATTLE OF WITS

HUMPDY DUMPDY HAD A GREAT FALL

NAMINE: No king's horses to pick the poor bloke up? That's sad.

HUMPDY MY INSIDES ARE GOING WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T

COKONETS HELLO I AM COKONETS

COKONETS DR. REBOTNEK HAS TRUSTED ME WITH GUARDING THESE BEANS

COKONETS YOU WILL NOT LEAVE EURASIA ALIVE

NAMINE: ...Eurasia?

TIME SWIPE

COKONETS OH JESUS CALL AN AMBULANCE

MEANWILE IN REBOTNEK'S LAB

REBOTNEK WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE KILLED COKONETS

REBOTNEK COKONETS WAS MY ONLY FRIEND

SKRATCH WHAT ABOUT ME SIR

REBOTNEK NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ROOSTER TEETH

NAMINE: I dunno, I hear Noxigar likes RWBY a whole lot and Achievement Hunter's not too shabby.

SKRATCH You don't have to be such an asshole about it.

REBOTNEK NEVERTHELESS THIS IS NOT OVER

REBOTNEK SEND OUT THE TROOPS

CHEPTER TREE

<!-- Alright, in case you haven't figured it out this is a parody of Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine. It's a good game, really. I just went insane about halfway through. -->

NAMINE: "Parody" is a big understatement.

DAVEY SPROKIT HOWDY PARDNER I AM DAVEY SPROKIT

DAVEY SPROKIT DO YOU SEE MY COONSKIN CAP SIR

DAVEY SPROKIT I AM A ROBOT DAVEY CROCKIT

DAVEY SPROKIT BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER

DAVEY SPROKIT I MUST PIONEER SOME NEW TECHNIQUES

<!-- I kid you not, that last line was in the game. -->

NAMINE: I wouldn't be surprised.

ONE LOUISIANA PURCHASE-SIZED BEATING LATER

NAMINE: Aww, is Alamo too big for a proper beating of Davey Sprokit?

DAVEY SPROKIT MY LEFT LUNG SEEMS TO HAVE FOUND NEW FRONTIER

DAVEY SPROKIT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FIELD

PIGWHEEL HOLY HELL WHAT AM I

PIGWHEEL I HAVE A PIG NOSE AND TWO WHEELS

PIGWHEEL I AM AN ABOMINATION

PIGWHEEL PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY

STACK SOME BEANS

PIGWHEEL WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

PIGWHEEL ALL YOU DID WAS STACK SOME BEANS

PIGWHEEL WHY AM I STILL ALIVE

DINAMIGHT HELLO SIR MY NAME IS

AND THEN HE EXPLODED BECAUSE HE IS DYNAMITE

NAMINE: Fun Fact: Dinamight is also the easiest robot to beat in Mean Bean Machine due to how suicidal his AI pattern is in the game.

GRONDER DURRRH I AM GRONDER

GRONDER YOU WONT GET PAST ME SIR

ONE FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE LATER

NAMINE: Aww, I wanted to hear this Freestyle Rap Battle. :(

GRONDER OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE

GRONDER THE BLOOD IS POOLING AROUND ME AS I SPEAK

BACK AT REBOTNEKS HOWSE

REBOTNEK GRONDER WAS JUST MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD SKRATCH

SKRATCH WHAT A WAY TO GO HUH DR. REBOTNEK

REBOTNEK BUT THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE END

SKRATCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIR

REBOTNEK WE HAVE MORE IN STORE

REBOTNEK READY WAVE THREE

REBOTNEK WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS

CHEPTER FOR

PLOCK YO YO YO WHAT UP

PLOCK I FORGOT MY NAME

PLOCK BUT WHATEVER

PLOCK LET'S BATTLE YO

NAMINE: I'm pretty sure his name is Spike. "Plock" is a good alternative though, given how generic "Spike" is as a name for pretty much anything.

ONE EXTREME MACRAME COMPETITION LATER

PLOCK BOY I GOT SCHOOLED

PLOCK

PLOCK IT HURTS VERY BADLY

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME DOMO ARIGATO

NAMINE: Thou art in need of proper character speech patterns, Lord Skullbuggy.

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME MY NAME IS SIR F-FUZZY LOGIK

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME HOLY HELL IS THAT MY REAL NAME

NAMINE: Yup.

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME GODDAMN

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME WHATEVER I AM A SAMURAI

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME I WILL BEAT YOU

豆の積み重ね

NAMINE: I could plop this over to Google Translator but I'm fairly certain I don't really care of what it's saying.

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME I HAVE FAILED

WHAT IS THIS ONE'S NAME I AM COMING, ANCESTORS

DARGONBREATH A AAAAAAA AAA

AAA AA A AAAAA

DARGONBREATH AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA

CUT: REBOTNEK'S LAB, INT., DAY

REBOTNEK WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT POPCORN SKRATCH

SKRATCH BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTH

REBOTNEK YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU MUTANT

SKRATCH

REBOTNEK THATS BETTER

REBOTNEK THEY ARE GETTING CLOSER

REBOTNEK WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES SKRATCH

REBOTNEK WE MUST READY OURSELVES FOR THE FINAL BATTLE

CHEPTER FIFE

SKRATCH SIR I SHALL GO AND STOP THE INTRUDER

REBOTNEK COMMENDABLE SKRATCH

REBOTNEK MAKE DADDY PROUD

SKRATCH THAT'S RIGHT

SKRATCH COME AND GET SOME

NAMINE: Get some what? Beans?

"Fine... I will."

SKRATCH WHAT

SKRATCH WAAAAUUGH STOP STABBING ME

SKRATCH GYAAAAARGH

SKRATCH AAAAARGH

SKRATCH GYAAAAAH

SKRATCH AAAH

SKRATCH DIED

"Heh... what a pushover."

REBOTNEK SKRATCH HAVE YOU DISPOSED OF THE INTRU

REBOTNEK

REBOTNEK SKRATCH NO

REBOTNEK WHO DID THIS TO YOU SKRATCH

SNAKE "I did."

REBOTNEK WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

SNAKE "I have no name. Some people call me... Solid Snake."

NAMINE: Suddenly a good idea for a crossover crashes into a forest via blimp.

REBOTNEK I DONT GIVE A CRAP

SNAKE "Whatever the case, I'm here to stop you, Robotnik... or should I say... brother?"

REBOTNEK EXCUSE ME

SNAKE "You don't know, do you?"

REBOTNEK OF COURSE NOT JUST TELL ME

NAMINE: Oh, brother.

SNAKE "Dr. Robotnik, you and I were part of a project. A project called..."

SNAKE "Las Habas Terribles."

REBOTNEK LAS HABAS TERRIBLES

SNAKE "Las Habas Terribles."

NAMINE: I'm suddenly humoured.

SNAKE "It was a government project to create the perfect super soldier."

SNAKE "The project spawned two children. One had the flawed genes, and one had the perfect genes."

SNAKE "You... you were the perfect one."

REBOTNEK OH REALLY

SNAKE "Yes. You were to be mass-produced in order to create an army of super soldiers..."

SNAKE "... who can consist on nothing but baked beans."

REBOTNEK

SNAKE "I'm here to stop you from becoming mass-produced. I'm here..."

SNAKE "... to save you."

SNAKE "Do you want to be saved, Dr.? Do you?"

REBOTNEK

REBOTNEK YES BROTHER

SNAKE "Alright, then..."

{click}

SNAKE "Any last words, Dr.?"

REBOTNEK

REBOTNEK I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG

NAMINE: It's too bad Sonic never showed up.

SNAKE "Goodnight... Dr. Robotnik."

{BOOM.}

NAMINE: Oh, here's this huge gap for no real reason.


























































you say you want an explanation

NAMINE: No, not really.

I played Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine very recently. Though I did, honestly, really like the game, the story was unbelievably stupid. In a burst of inspiration, I decided to make a story about it in all caps.

NAMINE: Yeah, I can agree the story was pitiful. Not really sure you did it any justice, though.

Eventually I was plagued with the decision of how to end it. Naturally, I gave it the MGS ending. So that explains a lot, huh?

NAMINE: Not really. Then again, I wasn't really curious about Robuttnik. I just got a few cheap laughs while reminiscing about playing Mean Bean Machine a few years ago myself. It was fun, although some bosses were truly tedious.