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RiffText/RTOD/KickCheat E-mails/Nebulon's Army

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KickCheat E-mails #8

KickCheat goes to the moon for the second gold capsule. Nebulon stirs up some trouble

LIGHTNING GUY: {chuckles} Oh, that Nebulon!

Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Stephen, 1-Up, Nebulon, 500 mini nebulons, Tampo, Stlunko, Brody

Places: 2072 Field, Warp pad area, The Moon, Lunar wearhouse, The pink cloud zone, Tampo's Lair

Computer: Lappy HC

Lines: 200

Script

{Cut to the inside of the pickup truck}

KICKCHEAT: So how do we get to the moon?

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, you finally realized that trucks can't fly?

STINKOMAN: There is a portal that can trasfer people to the moon.

STRONG BAD: Okay Stiny.

LIGHTNING GUY: Stiny is OK, I see.

STINKOMAN: It's Stinkoman!

STRONG BAD: Sorry Stiny.

LIGHTNING GUY: Stiny is sorry, I see.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: Oh yeah. I need to check an e-mail.

LIGHTNING GUY: You need to stop writing this garbage.
NOXIGAR: And what do you suppose he should write instead?

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Some how,

LIGHTNING GUY: That's some how you've got there.

I will survive the eight e-mail!

KICKCHEAT: I don't wear a propeller hat 466664!

LIGHTNING GUY: How about a propeller hat 466665?

Ask Homestar that!

LIGHTNING GUY: What if he doesn't? Huh? Do you have contacts? Huh? People?

{Turns to Homestar} Hey Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah?

KICKCHEAT: Answer this e-mail.

LIGHTNING GUY: "What if I don't? Huh? Do you have contacts? Huh? People?"

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright!

{KickCheat gives Homestar the Lappy HC}

LIGHTNING GUY: And he runs off and sells it as scrap metal.
HOMESTAR: Nah. I thought of pouwing Mountain Dew ovew it, though.

{Says "Homestar" instead of KickCheat when reading the e-mail}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Why do I wear a propeller hat? Because it spins and plays a song from Night Court. It also glows in the dark! {Gives the Lappy HC to KickCheat} There, I answered it.

KICKCHEAT: Thanks baldy.

LIGHTNING GUY: Baldy thanks.

{Puts the Lappy HC away} We should be near that portal soon.

STEPHEN: Yes, we should be close. About another 2 miles and we'll be there.

{Cut to a black screen that says "A few minutes later". Cut to the warp pad area}

1-UP: This will take us to the moon?

STEPHEN: Yes. {He pushes 1-p

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, where did he come from?

onto the warp pad. 1-Up disappears. No one does nothing for a few seconds}

LIGHTNING GUY: So everyone's doing something? What? I'm dying to know!

STRONG BAD: Holy crap! {Jumps onto the warp pad}

LIGHTNING GUY: STRONG BAD AFTERIMAGE: Holy crap! {jumps onto the warp pad}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises} {Jumps onto the warp pad}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That is one powerful toaster.

KICKCHEAT: That is not a toaster!

LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because Homestar thought it was toaster and yeah.

{Pushes Homestar onto the warp pad. Homestar disappears}

STINKOMAN: DOUBLE DEUCE!!

LIGHTNING GUY: Or you could just, you know, jump.

{Jumps onto the warp pad}

KICKCHEAT: {Turns to Stephen} You three coming?

STEPHEN: No, we'll wait for you here.

LIGHTNING GUY: "I can't fight master warriors with you! I'll break one of my flag-painted nails!"
NAMINE: Wait, wait, wait - is KickCheat using Stephen Colbert? I didn't think he was.

KICKCHEAT: Heck with it.

LIGHTNING GUY: "I'd...rather not."

{Jumps onto the warp pad}

STEPHEN: Good luck KickCheat.

{Cut to everyone, but KickCheat on the moon.

LIGHTNING GUY: So where's everyone?

KickCheat appears}

KICKCHEAT: This is space?

LIGHTNING GUY: no its the moon
NOXIGAR: The moon is technically in space.

STINKOMAN: You got it!

KICKCHEAT: Weird. The pictures I see look beter than actually being on the moon.

{Cut to Nebulon watching the six on a TV screen}

NEBULON: So Tampo wasn't kidding.

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, Nebulon can't talk. CONTINUITY ER-

Six morons are after my capsule! Time to stir up some trouble!

{Nebulon walks upto a large bowl as big as a door}

LIGHTNING GUY: How big is the door?

NEBULON: My magic pot of terror

LIGHTNING GUY: Of terror

will give me a hand!

{A hand that looks like Master Hand from super smash bros.

LIGHTNING GUY: No, just no.

comes out of the pot and flies away}

NEBULON: {sarcasticly} Ha, ha. Very funny pot!

LIGHTNING GUY: Very funny pot should get a very stern talking to!

Now, create 500 mini nebulons.

{500 mini nebulons come out of the pot}

NEBULON: Now my troops.

LIGHTNING GUY: Once the pot's done with the troops, what will you do with the nebulons?

See these losers on my TV here?

{The 500 nebulons look at the TV}

LIGHTNING GUY: And have 500 simultaneous seizures.

NEBULON: These losers must die. You all got that?

ALL 500 MINI NEBULONS SIMUTAINIOUSLY: Yeah!

NEBULON: Okay, go!

{All 500 nebulons run offscreen chanting. Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar}

KICKCHEAT: No, I swear,

LIGHTNING GUY: Didn't your parents teach you that swearing is bad?

we are going the right way!

1-UP: You are going to say a swear?

LIGHTNING GUY: DANG IT MY JOKE
NAMINE: Writing riffs on every line kind of makes it so half of your jokes will be taken from you preemptively.

STINKOMAN: It's a statement 1-Up!

LIGHTNING GUY: I thought it was just a 1-Up.

STRONG BAD: {Looks up} Look out! Home coming asteroid or meteor!

{The six run offscreen. A mini nebulon walks onscreen}

MINI NEBULON: Destroy losers! Destroy losers!

LIGHTNING GUY: Destroy English language! Destroy English language!
NOXIGAR: That was actually correct grammar. It just sounds horribly robotic, which I guess is the point? They're miniature aliens with a hive mind.

{The asteroid hits him.}

MINI NEBULON: Oww! That hurt! {Dies}

LIGHTNING GUY: Just like that.

{The six walk back onscreen}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STINKOMAN: I have a felling

LIGHTNING GUY: You better get that felling checked by a doctor or something.

that we have a massive army of those green things coming to get us.

STRONG BAD: Argh!

LIGHTNING GUY: Me matey.

I hate it when the good guys are being ambushed by an army of aliens!

KICKCHEAT: Get used to it. I think we have a lot more coming to kill us.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Can we have ice cream now?

LIGHTNING GUY: Wh-

1-UP: And pudding too?

LIGHTNING GUY: -at
NAMINE: A singular "What" would have sufficed for this particular section alone.

STRONG BAD: No! Later after

LIGHTNING GUY: You better get those afters in sooner from now on.

we get those six capsules!

HOMESTAR RUNNER AND 1-UP SIMUTAINIOUSLY: Aww crap!

KICKCHEAT: Can we get to that alien loser now?

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, yeah.

LIGHTNING GUY: Okay, okay.

{Cut to Nebulon watching the six on a TV}

NEBULON: Who dare kill one of my mini nebulons! They call me a loser! Only I am allowed to call them that!

LIGHTNING GUY: But I thought they called you a loser. I mean, you just said that. In the previous sentence.

Well, they will be dead soon anyway.

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar walking}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are we there yet?

STRONG BAD: No.

1-UP: Are we there now?

STRONG BAD: Still no.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: How about now?

STRONG BAD: NO!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now?

LIGHTNING GUY: DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND

STRONG BAD: Oh, will you just stut up!

LIGHTNING GUY: Stat up! Question mark?

We will get there when we get there! Okay!

LIGHTNING GUY: Stat up! Question mark?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {quietly} Yes.

STRONG BAD: Okay.

KICKCHEAT: Hey guys look.

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm aware of what Hey Guys do.

It's the rest of the aliens.

STINKOMAN: Wha..?

{Camera zoms

LIGHTNING GUY: Zom, zom, zom!

out to show an army of mini nebulons}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Something. {Falls backwards}

LIGHTNING GUY: Nothing {Falls forwards}

KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Let's see them dance! {Pushes a button. A lightsaber appears}

STINKOMAN: Come on! We don't want to get Star Wars here!

KICKCHEAT: Well, it's only fourteen years until the space age anyway.

LIGHTNING GUY: According to who?

STINKOMAN: Oh, right.

LIGHTNING GUY: And how does he know that?

KICKCHEAT: Time for a challenge!

LIGHTNING GUY: I will not be ignored!
NAMINE: Well, you will be 'cause you're not actually in this E-mail show.

{KickCheat starts to swing his lightsaber at the mini nebulons. They litterally

LIGHTNING GUY: Litterers are quitterers.

"dance" to avoid being hit}

STRONG BAD: Okay, that is just plain funny!

LIGHTNING GUY: According to who?

{Punches a mini nebulon} Come on guys! This is fun!

LIGHTNING GUY: And how does he know that?

1-UP: Okay! {Walks up to a mini nebulon} Umm, KICK! {Kicks the mini nebulon}

LIGHTNING GUY: I will not be ignored!
NAMINE: This feels like deja vu.

1-UP: This is so boring! All we are doing is beating the crap out of aliens.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises} {Runs away}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What a chicken and a The Cheat! Time to go Super Mario Brothers!

{Homestar starts to jump on mini nebulons while the song from Super Mario Brothers plays}

LIGHTNING GUY: And the right holders bathe in their royalties.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now that is classic fighting!

{The victory song from Super Mario Brothers plays}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Where is that music coming from?

{Cut to Stinkoman. Surronded by mini nebulons}

LIGHTNING GUY: Cut to me. Cringing in my seat.

STINKOMAN: DOUBLE DEUCE!!!

{Starts to punch the mini nebulons}

STINKOMAN: 1972! I 1972'd you good!

LIGHTNING GUY: And how.

{Cut to the six infront of a giant door}

KICKCHEAT: Time to get the second gold capsule!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But what are

LIGHTNING GUY: We? They? My remaining brain cells?

going to do with that pile behind us?

{Camera zooms out to show a huge pile of dead mini nebulons}

KICKCHEAT: Uhh, nothing! Let's go already!

{The six go inside the big door. Cut to nebulon watching the six on a TV}

LIGHTNING GUY: "Well, this is awkward."

NEBULON: They beat my army? But how? Now they went through my door that has nothing behind it but me!

LIGHTNING GUY: "We're right here, you know."

This is worse than beans!

KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} Yes it is bozo!

NEBULON: Who said that?

KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} I did!

{Camera zooms over to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat}

KICKCHEAT: Give us that capsule!

NEBULON: {Offscreen} Never! Pot,

LIGHTNING GUY: Of terror

send these wierdo's to the lunar wearhouse!

1-UP: Uh oh! Not the...

{Before 1-Up can finish, he, KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat disappear. Camera zooms over to Nebulon}

NEBULON: Yes! They're gone! {quickly} It was the only excuse to make this e-mail longer!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Ow! My spleen!" said the fourth wall.

{Cut to the outside of the lunar wearhouse. KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat appear}

LIGHTNING GUY: That's a

STRONG BAD: Ker-rap! Now we got to get through a crappy house on the moon!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's so crappy about it?

LIGHTNING GUY: Since when does he need a reason?

STRONG BAD: There is a spikey wall infront of it!

STINKOMAN: Uh guys. Look down. There is a ladder.

KICKCHEAT: Yeah, there really is a ladder!

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, I thought he was lying.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat go down the ladder one at a time. Cut to the basement of the lunar wearhouse}

1-UP: Uh, now what?

KICKCHEAT: Look. There is nothing here! {walks to the right} All we need to do is just walk through!

{An arrow nearly hits KickCheat. He stops walking}

KICKCHEAT: Uh, never mind that!

LIGHTNING GUY: I never do.

Who wants to go through?

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "Not me, you freakin' recolor."

STRONG BAD: You want to go through?

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "No way, man! I'll gnaw your freakin' face off if you do something!"

STRONG BAD: Okay.

{The Cheat starts to walk through

LIGHTNING GUY: Is pushed through

the trap part of the room. Arrows, knives, giant stones and an anivil misses him}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

LIGHTNING GUY: Translated: "What the crap was that for? You're lucky I'm deathly afraid of going through that again!"

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad and Homestar stand still surprised}

LIGHTNING GUY: They were surprised before that?

KICKCHEAT: Holy crap! That was amazing!

1-UP: That guy is braver than Stinkoman!

STINKOMAN: Stut up 1-Up!

LIGHTNING GUY: KickCheat cannot seriously think "shut" is spelled this way.
NAMINE: No, but a lot of people half-ass their works, and it shows courtesy of not paying attention to which letters are on which keys. "T" and "H" are close enough where someone might have hurriedly typed one thinking it was the other.

KICKCHEAT: Come on! Time to walk on through!

{They walk to the right of the screen.

LIGHTNING GUY: (SCENE MISSING!)

Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat in a hollow room with a throne with a capsule on it}

KICKCHEAT: Hey, look! The capsule!

{KickCheat runs up to the throne and grabs the capsule}

KICKCHEAT: That's two down. Four to go!

{Put's the capsule away}

LIGHTNING GUY: Put is the capsule away? Am I supposed to decipher this?

STINKOMAN: Nebulon must have hid it here.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Speaking of Nebulon.

LIGHTNING GUY: Speaking of your broken sentences.

We still have to get rid of him.

KICKCHEAT: No we don't. We just have to leave the moon.

1-UP: We can jump off the moon!

LIGHTNING GUY: That seems physically plausible.

STINKOMAN: Yeah! If we're lucky, we can land in the pink cloud zone!

{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat outside the lunar wearhouse}

KICKCHEAT: So, how do we jump off the moon?

NEBULON: {Offscreen} There is no way off the moon for heroes!

{Nebulon walks onscreen}

STRONG BAD: You again!

NEBULON: Me again!

LIGHTNING GUY: Them again!

STRONG BAD: Oh, I have something for you! {Punches Nebulon in the eye}

NEBULON: MEOW!!

LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe if you punch him in the crotch, he'll purr.
HOMESTAR: Eww.

1-UP: Get out of here Nebulon! No one likes your style! {Kicks Nebulon's other eye}

NEBULON: Help! I'm blind!

STINKOMAN: This is our chance to escape!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat jump onto Nebulon.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, no. Is someone gonna get raped
NOXIGAR: {sounding angry} I-

NAMINE: Okay, no, stopping you again.
HOMESTAR: Can't I just psychically lift him off of the seat and take him out of the theatwe?
NOXIGAR: {still pissed off} LIGHTNI-

{Homestar and Namine carry Noxigar out of the Theatre}
again?

Then they jump off him}

NEBULON: Please tell me you guys are gone!

{Crickets chirp}

NEBULON: Crap! I failed!

LIGHTNING GUY: {confused} But I thought you wanted them to be gone. You gave that implication before the crickets and I'm getting mixed signals here.

{Cut KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat falling towards earth}

LIGHTNING GUY: Gladly!

KICKCHEAT: So that's how you jump off the moon!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Nebulon approved!

{They fall until they reach the pink cloud zone}

STINKOMAN: Here is where capsule number three is!

{They fall onto some clouds}

KICKCHEAT: That was wicked!

LIGHTNING GUY: So, the clouds are hard enough to not fall through, but soft enough to not break any bones on? {explodes}
{Namine and Homestar return}

NAMINE: We didn't miss anything important. I can't imagine we did.
HOMESTAR: I think I saw Lightning Guy explode ovew nothing.
NAMINE: Damn. {Namine snaps her fingers}

HOMESTAR: It's okay, this is almost ovew.

{Some pink clouds turn black}

STINKOMAN: An evil force is causing this!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah! We need to find that third capsule quick!

KICKCHEAT: Yeah!

{KickCheat, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Homestar and The Cheat walk offscreen. Cut to Tampo's lair}

LIGHTNING GUY: {rises from offscreen} Wh-where am I? And who am I?

TAMPO: So Stlunko. What is the curent status of the capsules?

LIGHTNING GUY: And why can't that brain spell "current" right? He's a brain!

STLUNKO: Nebulon is now blind and the second capsule has been taken by those guys.

TAMPO: Nuts! I though we had 100% death up on the moon!

STLUNKO: They somehow lived through all of the traps.

LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe you just suck at making traps.

TAMPO: Brody! Where are they right now?

BRODY: The pink cloud zone.

TAMPO: Ah, The Liekand will get them!

BRODY: As long he doesn't go into his salesman routine.

TAMPO: SHUT UP!

LIGHTNING GUY: OH NOW HE

BRODY: Sorry.

LIGHTNING GUY: Hey, my memory's back...crap.

{The paper comes down}

NAMINE: I'm starting to think Lightning Guy's a bit more competent at riffing than any of us thought.

HOMESTAR: Naw, it's just evewy line is being mocked of a pawticulaw thing.
NAMINE: There has to be a way you can say words with "r"'s.

HOMESTAR: Twust me, then I wouldn't be in-chawactew.
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