RiffText/RTOD/KickCheat E-mails/Lava Zone

KickCheat E-mails #7

KickCheat goes into the Lava Zone to save Stinkoman.

Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, 1-Up, Strong Bad, Stephen, Homestar Runner, The Cheat, Saargtsson, Stinkoman, Firey Hot, Tampo, Brody, Stlunko

Places: Lava Zone, Tampo's Lair

Computer: Lappy HC

Lines: 181

Script

{Cut to inside the Lava Zone}

KICKCHEAT: Uh, this is the Lava Zone?

LIGHTNING GUY: Does anybody read the actions

NAMINE: Not if their intent is to not force themselves to be self-referential.

anymore?

1-UP: Yeah, does it look like a lava zone?

STRONG BAD: {Slowly} Yes.

STEPHEN: Well, should you guys get going?

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't know. You tell us. You hold the answer to everything else.

KICKCHEAT: You mean me, Strong Bad, 1-Up, Homestar and The Cheat?

STEPHEN: Yeah. Jason, Ray and I will wait at the enterance

LIGHTNING GUY: Seriously, do you even read these things?

for you. HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright! Let's get this party started!

STRONG BAD: Traslation, let's get this done before we die.

KICKCHEAT: Cut the crap Strong Bad!

LIGHTNING GUY: What has the Crap Strong Bad ever done to you?

Before we start, I need to check an e-mail. STEPHEN: Okay bozo.

LIGHTNING GUY: You know what's funnier than a kicked cheat? A kicked cheat in a clown suit.

{leaves}

KICKCHEAT: Okay. {Gets out his Lappy HC} E-mails in lava land!

LIGHTNING GUY: Lava land? That sounds like a great place to get high!

NAMINE: On... sulfur, maybe.

Dear KickCheat,
What is your favorite video game?
Douglas

KICKCHEAT: Uh, what is my favorite video game? Well I have more than one favorite game.

LIGHTNING GUY: But that's not what he asked-

NAMINE: Did you and I read the same question?

My favorite video games are Pikmin 2, Kirby 64, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door and New Super Mario Brothers. There you go Douglas.

LIGHTNING GUY: A game where you just go "Douglas" doesn't sound very fun. But it is Mario...

{Puts his Lappy HC away}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: Yeah, we are going to save Stinky now.

LIGHTNING GUY: "Let's treasure this Stinky as if it were our own baby's!"

1-UP: It's Stinkoman!

KICKCHEAT: Whatever Kidstar.

LIGHTNING GUY: I am not amused.

1-UP: My name is 1-Up! Stop calling me and Stinky names!

STRONG BAD: You just called Stinkoman a name.

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm pretty sure calling Stinkoman "Stinkoman" would be calling him a name.

NAMINE: Yes, we get it, you understand the basics of nomenclature. You still don't get a cookie, Rude Dude.

But that's just my opinion.

1-UP: D'oh!

KICKCHEAT: Can we get going now?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: 1-Up is over..hey! Where is he?

KICKCHEAT: Oh crap!

LIGHTNING GUY: O crap! O crap!

NAMINE: You know it's correct even without a comma, right? Or were you just trying to shoehorn a Romeo & Juliet allusion?

Where art thou, crap?

He must have got annoyed and went off on his own!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{Camera zooms out and a ladder is shown on the left of the screen}

STRONG BAD: Good idea! We can use the ladder and some swiches

LIGHTNING GUY: Swiches? That sounds painful.

to save 1-Up!

{Cut to 1-Up walking alone}

1-UP: If those morons are gonna torcher

LIGHTNING GUY:I like torchering myself. Preferably in the dark.

me! I'll do this myself!

{1-Up keeps walking and walks to a lava fall}

1-UP: I can go though that lava fall by myself!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Yeah! I'll at worse get 3rd or 4th degree burns!"

HOMESTAR: Fouwth degwee buwns exist?

{Cut to KickCheat, The Cheat, Strong Bad and Homestar on the second floor infront

LIGHTNING GUY: No respect, yo.

of the same lava fall. A blue swich is behind them}

KICKCHEAT: We got to block the lava some how!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Maybe that blue swich behind us can help!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: Here, I'll jump on it.

{KickCheat jumps on the swich.

LIGHTNING GUY: That's gotta hurt.

A ding is heard and the lava fall stops. Cut to 1-Up on the bottom floor}

1-UP: Hey! Where did the lava go?

{Cut to the second floor}

EVERYONE SIMUTAINIOUSLY: YES!

KICKCHEAT: This is one our tests of being heroes!

LIGHTNING GUY: Too bad you failed that and the grammar test.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: We got many more to do!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I hope 1-Up is okay down there.

KICKCHEAT: He is.

LIGHTNING GUY: How do I know that?

NAMINE: Perhaps it's because the switch is intrinsically tied to lava flow, which effectively makes 1-Up okay?

I JUST DO.

We mainly have to worry about ourselves. If we pass out, 1-Up kicks the can.

{Homestar faints}

LIGHTNING GUY: That's why breakfast is the most important meal of the day!

KICKCHEAT: sigh

LIGHTNING GUY: groan

This will be hard.

STRONG BAD: Told ya!

{Cut to the bottom floor.}

1-UP: {singing} Do da do da de! Do da do da de! {faces the camera} That is my little song!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Yes, my little songs, be free!"

{1-Up walks up to a pink cham cham}

1-UP: Uh oh! An enemy!

LIGHTNING GUY: What if he just wants to be friends? Why is everyone an enemy with you?

What do I do?

KICKCHEAT: {offscreen} Kick it!

LIGHTNING GUY: Twist it! Pull it! Bop it!

1-UP: Who said that?

KICKCHEAT: {offscreen} Uh, your mind did!

1-UP: Whatever!

LIGHTNING GUY: That seems like an appropriate reaction.

NAMINE: Miffed you couldn't say it first?

{1-Up kicks the pink cham cham. It blows up}

1-UP: That was to easy.

LIGHTNING GUY: But it blew up, so it can't go anywhere.

Thank you mind!

LIGHTNING GUY: Think you mind?

KICKCHEAT: {offscreen} No problem!

{1-Up keeps walking. Cut to the second floor}

STRONG BAD: Nice touch KickCheat! He actually fell for that!

KICKCHEAT: Well, it is good he did. If he didn't fall for it. I can imagine the results.

LIGHTNING GUY: He'd be deader than the English language right now.

{Homestar faints}

LIGHTNING GUY: You should at least eat some kind of snack or something.

STRONG BAD: Cut it out Homestar!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Cut what?" said Out Homestar.

1-Up is fine! He won't die.

{Cut to the bottom floor.}

1-UP: Yay! Being six sure does help!

LIGHTNING GUY: It doesn't help whatsoever. Stop dreaming and go back to sleep.

I made it to the end all by myself!

{Saargtsson's silhouette appears}

1-UP: Oh no! It's the same silhouette that kidnapped Stinkoman!

{Saargtsson's silhouette kidnaps 1-Up.

LIGHTNING GUY: I like how simple you make it sound.

Cut to the second floor}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: I think we are getting close!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: My legs are getting tired!

KICKCHEAT: And I am sweating!

{They walk until they get to a ladder}

LIGHTNING GUY: the action never stops

HOMESTAR: Isn't that a misuse of a tewm that MFT3K did?
NAMINE: I know that would be Noxigar's argument for why that wasn't funny.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: A ladder! We're saved!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{They go down the ladder. Cut to Stinkoman and 1-Up in a cage}

STINKOMAN: You had to get kidnapped too eh?

LIGHTNING GUY: I personally didn't think it was eh enough.

1-UP: Yeah, it's my fault why I am in this cage.

LIGHTNING GUY: Why you no speak correctly.

If I didn't run away from the people I found, I wouldn't be here.

STINKOMAN: You found help?

1-UP: Yeah. Three humans and

LIGHTNING GUY: One American and

four guys from 2006.

STINKOMAN: So they are coming?

1-UP: The guys from 2006 are. They should be here soon.

{Saargtsson walks onscreen}

SAARGTSSON: You two will be fed to my friend, Firey Hot!

LIGHTNING GUY: tssst

STINKOMAN: Oh crap!

KICKCHEAT: {offscreen} No they won't!

SAARGTSSON: Wha..?

LIGHTNING GUY: He's so surprised he can't say a full word.

{camera zooms over to KickCheat, Homestar, Strong Bad and The Cheat}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: We four will show you lava freak who's boss!

STRONG BAD: Yeah!

KICKCHEAT: I have heard of a challenge before,

LIGHTNING GUY: "My parents said it every night."

so we are asking you for a challenge you creep!!

LIGHTNING GUY: Challenge You Creep! The hottest thing since lava!

STRONG BAD: Besides. There are four of us, and only one of you!

SAARGTSSON: You mean two.

STRONG BAD: Huh?

{Firey Hot appears}

LIGHTNING GUY: OH I REMEMBER NOW

KICKCHEAT: Well, here we go!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad and I will take care of the fire thing, and you and The Cheat will take care of Saargtsson!

KICKCHEAT: {quickly} Okay!

LIGHTNING GUY: Duh duh duh duh duh duhhh...

CHARGE!!

{KickCheat and The Cheat run to Saargtsson and Homestar and Strong Bad head for Firey Hot. Cut to The Cheat and KickCheat fighting Saargtsson}

KICKCHEAT: Okay! How can we beat this guy?

SAARGTSSON: Like I'm telling you!

LIGHTNING GUY: Seriously, he just told you how to beat him five seconds ago!

KICKCHEAT: I didn't ask you lava creep!

LIGHTNING GUY: Nobody said you asked You Lava Creep.

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: Good idea!

{KickCheat gets out a hammer}

LIGHTNING GUY: What time is it?

KICKCHEAT: Hamma time!

SAARGTSSON: Uh oh!

{Saargtsson runs away from KickCheat. KickCheat starts to chase him.

LIGHTNING GUY: But decides not to because the hammer weighed his stubs

NAMINE: Stubs?

HOMESTAR: His awms. Y'know, the thing I don't have.
NAMINE: No, I could infer that. It's just... he chose stubs as his word substitute for arms.

HOMESTAR: Not evewyone has psychic powews and weaws long pants.

down.

The Cheat out runs the two and hops on top of Saargtsson}

LIGHTNING GUY: "HELP THIS LITTLE YELLOW THING IS RAPING

NAMINE: I weep for Lightning Guy's childhood, if he thinks people hopping on top of others is sexually violating them.

ME!"

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

KICKCHEAT: Okay The Cheat!

LIGHTNING GUY: He's such a snake charmer.

{KickCheat throws the hammer to The Cheat}

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{Saargtsson notices The Cheat with a hammer on him}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, not cool!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Will a hammer even fit in there?"

{The Cheat hits Saargtsson on the head really hard, knocking Saargtsson out}

SAARGTSSON: .........

LIGHTNING GUY: What? What did you say?

KICKCHEAT: We did it!

THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}

{Cut to Homestar and Strong Bad fighting Firey Hot}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey Strong Bad...

STRONG BAD: {Interups Homestar} No, wait a minute. Shut up. How do we beat living fire?

LIGHTNING GUY: Stop, drop, and roll, suckas!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I know how! {Runs off. Returns later with a bucket of water and a twinke}

LIGHTNING GUY: Quick! Throw the twinké

NAMINE: Twinkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy lmao

HOMESTAR: I'm suwpwised you haven't been couwt mawshaled by Chaos yet, fow that dank meme you just declawed.
NAMINE: Chaos goes by Ted now. Long story.</blockqutoe>

at him!

STRONG BAD: Water? That's a good idea!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Take that you fire thing!

{Homestar throws the bucket of water at Firey Hot, but he misses}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: CRAP!

{Homestar throws the twinke at Firey Hot. It his Firey Hot directly and he disappears}

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm going to miss Homestar.

STRONG BAD: What?! How can a twinke beat a bad guy?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, that one can from blue background land.

LIGHTNING GUY: {screams} He's back from the dead! And a place called blue background land apparently!

{KickCheat and The Cheat walk onscreen to Strong Bad and Homestar}

KICKCHEAT: Did you beat the fire thing?

STRONG BAD: Did you beat Saargtsson?

STRONG BAD AND KICKCHEAT SIMUTAINIOUSLY: Yes.

LIGHTNING GUY SIMUTAINIOUSLY: I have a brother?

LIGHTNING GUY AND LIGHTNING GUY SIMUTAINIOUSLY SIMULTANEOUSLY: What a coincidence!

NAMINE: Now neither of them have to be virgins!

{Noxigar can be heard vomiting.}
HOMESTAR: Should we let him back in?
NAMINE: Then he might just puke all over the seats. All I did was tell Lightning Guy to fuck himself.
HOMESTAR: When did you stawt cuwsing?

NAMINE: I picked it up from Lex. Same place Noxigar picked it up, actually.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay, let's go save Stinkoman and 1-Up!

{Cut to Everyone at the cage

LIGHTNING GUY: Hey, a new character.

with Stinkoman and 1-Up in it}

LIGHTNING GUY: Um...

STRONG BAD: Uh, how do we get them out?

KICKCHEAT: With this. {Gets out a key}

STRONG BAD: Hey! Where did you find the key?

KICKCHEAT: On Saargtsson.

LIGHTNING GUY: You wouldn't believe where I found it!

{KickCheat opens the cage with the key. Stinkoman and 1-Up get out of the cage}

1-UP: Yay! We are free!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whew! 1-Up is okay!

STRONG BAD: That Stinkoman guy is related to me, but I am not starting anything!

LIGHTNING GUY: Cause those other guys, man, they always be startin' somethin'.

STINKOMAN: Thanks for saving me guys!

LIGHTNING GUY: No problem! Now ye all can walk the plank! {laughs heartily}

KICKCHEAT: No problem! We have a few things to ask you, but let's get out of this lava pit first!

{Cut to the entrance

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, now you spell it right!

NAMINE: I don't think auto-correct was a thing back in the 2006-2009 era.

of the lava zone}

STEPHEN: You guys saved Stinkoman!

STINKOMAN: Who is that guy?

KICKCHEAT: He is the one who told me about the world ending by sending me an e-mail.

STINKOMAN: Okay, so what do you want to ask me?

KICKCHEAT: About Tampo and his army.

LIGHTNING GUY: You couldn't just ask the question?

STINKOMAN: Oh, that. Well. I saw Tampo being created. I ran off as soon as Tampo went mad. I followed him to a evil lair in a forest. He created six master warriors and he stole the world's most powerful capsules and gave them to his six master warriors. One day, he meet Brody and Stlunko. You might know that already. Then I decided to fight him. But that lava snake got me. And you know the rest.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, we know the rest.

LIGHTNING GUY: That's exactly what he just said. Why would you

So we have to get six capsules back from Tampo?

STINKOMAN: Yeah, or else the world will end.

LIGHTNING GUY: That seems like a fair bargain.

Oh, I just remembered something.

{Stinkoman get's out a 24 Karat Capsule}

STINKOMAN: I found this around when you guys saved me.

KICKCHEAT: Woah! That is what we are after?

STINKOMAN: Yeah! We have five more to get. On the moon, in the clouds, in a frozen climate, a negative zone and in a forest.

LIGHTNING GUY: Where have I seen those places before?

NAMINE: From the Stinkoman videogame. Which, speaking of, I should play again at some point.

KICKCHEAT: You guys up to it?

STRONG BAD: Yeah. Come on! We don't have all day!

LIGHTNING GUY: Actually, I still don't remember being given any kind of deadline.

STEPHEN: We three will drive you guys to where you need to go.

KICKCHEAT: Okay. We need to get to the moon!

STEPHEN: Okay! Everybody in!

LIGHTNING GUY: Because you can obviously drive to the moon.

{They go into the pickup truck. It drives away. Cut to Tampo at his lair}

TAMPO: WHAT?! I just lost a warrior and a capsule?!

BRODY: Yep. But there are still five that are fine.

TAMPO: Stlunko! Tell me who did it!

LIGHTNING GUY: No one says "please" anymore...

STLUNKO Four people from 2006, 1-Up and Stinkoman.

TAMPO: Stinkoman got away?

STLUNKO Yeah. The 2006 people saved him, and now they are heading towards the moon!

TAMPO: The moon eh? We wern't prepared last time, so I'll warn Nebulon about this. He will send his troops after them!

STLUNKO Okay. You're

LIGHTNING GUY: CONTRACTION! CONTRACTION! OUT OF CHARACTER! STONE HIM!

the boss.

BRODY: And why am I the only one who is not a robot?

LIGHTNING GUY: Tampo's not a robot. He's the brain of a robot. Catch up.

TAMPO: {quickly} I don't know.

BRODY: Yeah, I don't know either.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, that's why you asked.

TAMPO: Stinkoman, 1-Up, 2006 people, I'll get ya!

{The paper comes down. A few seconds later}

TAMPO: Okay. Time for some grease!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Maybe some Grease 2 if we have the time!"

STLUNKO Yay!

BRODY: NOOOO!

LIGHTNING GUY: "I wanted to watch Hairspray!"

TAMPO: You get corn Brody!

LIGHTNING GUY: Corn Brody? That movie sucked so bad, I never

NAMINE: I've never

HOMESTAR: Wait, why awe we gunning his gwammaw now?
NAMINE: Because he's been such an ass about grammar to KickCheat and his friends, that when he makes a mistake it doesn't help him whatsoever.
HOMESTAR: On the wawe chance he makes mistakes about gwammaw.
NAMINE: He's screwed up enough times I am not letting that go.
HOMESTAR: Mind if I join in on the gwammaw witch-hunt?

NAMINE: Sure, actually.

even heard of it!

BRODY: Yay!