RiffText/RTOD/KickCheat E-mails/Fivemail

KickCheat E-mails #5

Because it's KickCheat's 5th e-mail. He answers 5 other e-mails.

LIGHTNING GUY: He's so pathetic he celebrates his fifth email.

NAMINE: I suppose going by the awfully generic 25-50-75-100 systemme is any better... how?

Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, The Cheat, Strong Bad, Homestar runner, waiter, Homsar

Places: The Computer room, The field, a street alley, Homestar's House, Strong Bad's Basement, Doughnut place

Computer: Compy XP

Lines: 59

Script

KICKCHEAT: {Clicks on e-mail while talking} Checkin' e-mail on the Compy XP. The new computer! Alright everybody, since this is my 5th e-mail, I will answer 5 of your e-mails! Ready? Jibney!

LIGHTNING GUY: You've officially earned my respect.

HOMESTAR: But jibney's pwetty much fowced.

NAMINE: How so.
HOMESTAR: It sounds weiwd. I can't see "Jibney" getting twendy.
NAMINE: Oh, but it has.

HOMESTAR: I feel scawed of this wowld alweady.

Oh, I mean go.

So, KickCheat,
Did you ever take your shirt off? I want to see what happens!

The 386

KICKCHEAT: {types while talking} WHAT?! Are you crazy? What's under my shirt is what is under The Cheat's fur! The Cheat usually gnaws my face off when that happens. Anyway, you are going to be DELETED!

LIGHTNING GUY: Going to be...you remember when I said you earned my respect? You just lost it. But it actually took longer than I expected it to, so you get a congraturation

HOMESTAR: I feel I should know mowe of these "may-may"s, but knowing that one alone is just sad.
{Namine pats Homestar on the back, compassionately.}

for that.

{The screen flashes:}

NICE TRY!

KICKCHEAT: What? I said deleted!

LIGHTNING GUY: where have i heard this dialogue before

{The screen flashes:}

DO IT IDIOT!

KICKCHEAT: This computer will not do anything! Okay, you win. Let's go see what happens when I take my shirt off.

{KickCheat leaves the Compy XP. Cut to the field. The Cheat is standing around doing nothing. KickCheat walks onscreen}

KICKCHEAT: Hey Pikachu!

LIGHTNING GUY: Now my respect for you is in the negatives again.

HOMESTAR: But, I call The Cheat by that nickname all the time!

Good job.

THE CHEAT: {Makes The Cheat noises}

{KickCheat takes off his shirt.

LIGHTNING GUY: You FLASHED him?

NAMINE: No, he HTML5'd him.

{Homestar grins.}
HOMESTAR: I heweby use my psychic powews to give you an aiw-five!

{Homestar and Namine air-five over a cheesy computer joke}

What would either of you get out that?

The screen goes black for a few seconds. Cut back to the field}

KICKCHEAT: OWWW! YOU LITTLE BA...

STRONG BAD: {Offscreen} No swearing KickCheat!

LIGHTNING GUY: A nude KickCheat?

HOMESTAR: The Cheat's naked all the time, and no one gives him cwap about it.

{Homestar pouts.}

NAMINE: For what it's worth, I don't mind if you're naked through these episodes. Given our website's IP address in Australia, I doubt streaking in a movie theatre's going to win us any brownie points or supporters.

Maybe. But a dirty mouth is just going too far!

KICKCHEAT: Okay, sorry! {Puts his shirt on} Back to the five e-mails. {Walks offscreen. Cut to the computer room}

KICKCHEAT: There you go The 386, that's what happens when I take my shirt off. Okay next e-mail.

kickwheat,

LIGHTNING GUY: buckwheat

{Short pause}
HOMESTAR: I don't get it.

Are you a Hulkamaniac? I can't get enough of the Huilkster!! When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, brother! My question is, WHATCHA GONNA DO, brother, when those 20-inch pythons and Hulkamania run wild on YOU?

Hulkamaniac

P. S.: BROTHER!!!!

KICKCHEAT: Ummm...what is a hulkamaniac? Are you even sure this is an e-mail? This one doesn't belong in e-mail shows.

LIGHTNING GUY: This email show

NAMINE: You and those MFT3K guys have riffed a solid chunk of email shows. Think you might be biased?

doesn't belong anywhere.

Okay, next e-mail.

KickCheat,
Have you ever seen any strange grafiti before?

51 Down

KICKCHEAT: Yes I have. It's very strange, so I warn you to leave the room right now.

{KickCheat leaves the computer. Cut to a street alley showing this grafitti on the wall that has the letters PFG}

KICKCHEAT: Yeah, I told you it is strange! I have always wondered what PFG stands for? Umm...pork..for..uh..grains? Yeah, I don't know. Mabye you can figure it out 51.

{Leaves the alley. Cut back to the computer}

KICKCHEAT: Okay, next e-mail.

Dear KickCheat,
Have you ever done something mean to Homestar runner before?

From Kirby

KICKCHEAT: Yeah, many things! Right now, I am going to pull of a prank on him right now!

LIGHTNING GUY: Right now, I'm going to point out your useless repetition right now!

{KickCheat leaves the computer. Cut to Homestar getting ready for Decemberween}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: ...and now, I will decorate my frickin' tree with the turkey and dress the stockings!

{KickCheat walks onscreen}

KICKCHEAT: Hey Homestar, it's..oh..nevermind. Someone must have already told you!

{KickCheat leaves}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay. Now to wrap the presents with decemberween lights!

{walks over to a box that is labeled "Many lights in the trash". Suddenly the floor breaks infront of the box and Homestar falls down it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What the crap!?

{A crash is heared}

LIGHTNING GUY: It's like the Rugrats

NAMINE: I imagine it'd look more unintelligible.
HOMESTAR: And it might involve Wingdings.

are typing this!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey! I didn't know I had a basement!

{Cut to Strong Bad's basement with Strong Bad playing Trogodor. KickCheat walks onscreen}

KICKCHEAT: So Strong Bad. Did you tel Homestar it was Decemberween?

STRONG BAD: Yeah. Go away, I'm playing Trogodor and I finally beat level 1!

LIGHTNING GUY: Finally...

KICKCHEAT: You finally beat level one?

STRONG BAD: Yeah, it took me 2 years to do it!

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah, and I still haven't.

NAMINE: I should go back to Lex's house and beat the Trogdor machine to a pulp.

HOMESTAR: What do you plan to do when you get high scowe?
NAMINE: Spray the high score listings with profanities. Again.
HOMESTAR: Why do you even go to Lex's?

NAMINE: I like going to places he's been for fun. I have yet to visit Toronto, though.

KICKCHEAT: You know that's just sad. I beat that game last year!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, I suck.

KICKCHEAT: Well, at least I made Homestar's floor weak!

STRONG BAD: {Surprised} YOU WHAT?!

KICKCHEAT: I weakened Homestar's floor. He should have fallen through it by now.

STRONG BAD: Hey! That was the prank I was going to pull on him!

{Strong Bad kicks KickCheat out of his house}

STRONG BAD: YOU MORON!

LIGHTNING GUY: What just happened here?

{Cut back to the computer}

KICKCHEAT: Okay, this fivemail is crap! Well, only one e-mail left. Let's get this over with.

1 Doughnut

LIGHTNING GUY: This is the most beautiful email I ever read.

KICKCHEAT: One donut?

LIGHTNING GUY: COME ON IT'S RIGHT THERE IT'S FREAKING RIGHT THERE IN THE EMAIL

Well I do deserve a doughnut,

LIGHTNING GUY: OH NOW YOU

that's for sure! In fact, I am going to the doughnut place right now!

{Leaves the computer. Cut to the Doughnut place}

KICKCHEAT: I would like a double chocolate doughnut please?

WAITER: Okay, that will be $3.00.

KICKCHEAT: What? That's a rip off! I'm out of here!

WAITER: Thank you. Have a nice day!

{Cut back to the computer}

KICKCHEAT: There. I survived 5 e-mails! The paper. Can you end this e-mail?

{The paper comes down}

KICKCHEAT: Well, I got to fish Homestar out of his new basement.

{KickCheat leaves the computer. A few seconds later, Homsar come in}

HOMSAR: Woooaaahh! I can answer an i-ail! Snake pudding!

LIGHTNING GUY: ugh

Dear KickCheat,
Is Homsar a dork?

ABCDEFG

HOMSAR: Woooaaah! I can eat rice on my shoe! I'm a trendy knot!

{Homsar leaves the computer}

STRONG BAD: {Offscreen} Umm..is he getting paid for doing useless things in this show?

LIGHTNING GUY: You all are.

HOMSAR: AaaaAaaaAaaaAaaah ate all the living props, officer!

HOMESTAR: That's gweat.
{Short pause}
HOMESTAR: Hang on, you wanna help us wiff this guy's attempts at bein' funny?
HOMSAR: Get me a date with Colonel Sanders, and I'll be your winner.

NAMINE: That can be arranged.

KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} Yeah. It is pretty sad. Now can we just end this e-mail now?!

STRONG BAD: {Offscreen} Okay.

LIGHTNING GUY: The action never stops

NAMINE: Yep, nope, misuse of a meme.

HOMESTAR: So, now what?
NAMINE: Food run. Didn't Homsar just ask for a date with Colonel Sanders?
HOMSAR: My revolutions are always unique at night.
NAMINE: You're both coming, right?
{Homsar and Homestar nod.}
NAMINE: Alright, let's do this.
{Namine jingles some keys, and exits the Theatre with Homsar and Homestar. At the Theatre's entrance, Noxigar can be seen passed out whilst wrapped in blankets and with multiple pillows covering him, akin to a fort. He looks to be sleeping peacefully. Namine decidedly stops by to pat Noxigar on the head, to see how asleep he is. He looks up at Namine, and his eyelids are only half-open. He sighs wistfully, but gives her a tired smile.}
NAMINE: We're going to get food. Coming?
{Noxigar nods. He promptly gets up, tries to arrange a blanket like a cape, and earns laughter from Namine. His smile fades a slight bit, but he manages to pull himself together relatively quickly. He proceeds to follow, as Namine, Homsar, and Homestar all get a small head start before they all get in Namine's car. Afterwards, she drives to a Kentucky-Fried Chicken building's drive-thru, orders a large amount of chicken, and heads back to the Theatre.}
NOXIGAR: I imagine I didn't miss much?
NAMINE: Well, why would you? The action never stops, right?
{Noxigar sports a crooked smile.}

NOXIGAR: Of course.