(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/RTOD/KickCheat E-mails/Evil Salesman
KickCheat E-mails #9
A scamming salesman, a.k.a The Liekand,
LIGHTNING GUY: a.k.a You could have just said The Liekand.
takes KickCheat's gold capsules.
Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, 1-Up, Bubs, Coach Z, The Liekand, Tampo, Brody, Stlunko
Places: Pink Cloud Zone, Ice Zone, Tampo's Lair
Computer: Lappy HC
Lines: 217
Script
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up in the The Pink Cloud zone}
LIGHTNING GUY: What time is it?
KICKCHEAT: Capsule finding time!
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
KICKCHEAT: What do you mean by a storm may be coming?
STRONG BAD: The Cheat can sense when a
LIGHTNING GUY: Bell
strom comes.
KICKCHEAT: Like when I sense you are 20 minutes late for your part time job?
STRONG BAD: Oh crap!
NAMINE: Think we might want to skip this one? Lightning Guy's not really messing up any of his riffs as bad as he's done before.
NOXIGAR: I'll keep going. The night is still young.
KICKCHEAT: What?
STRONG BAD: I am suppost to be at my job right now.
{Cut to Bub's Concession Stand}
BUBS: Strong Bad is 20 minutes late!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Now I'll have to hire someone who can spell 'supposed' correctly!"
{Coach Z walks onscreen}
COACH Z: Hey Bubs!
BUBS: Hey Coach! You want to earn money?
COACH Z: Yeah.
BUBS: You want to be the hot dog clown?
COACH Z: Yorb! Run! {Runs away}
LIGHTNING GUY: According to my Coach-2-English translator,NOXIGAR: So, do translators exist for every bizarre accent or did you just have one specifically for Coach Z?he just said "Yob! Run!", which doesn't make any more sense at all.
BUBS: I never get good buisness these days!
{Cut to the pink cloud zone}
KICKCHEAT: At least you might get fired.
LIGHTNING GUY: At most you might get executed.NOXIGAR: Executed for what?
STRONG BAD: Yeah, you're right.
KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} Well, time to check another e-mail
Dear KickCheat
Do a dance
sdfdg
Komsar
{Skips the sdfdg when reading the e-mail}
KICKCHEAT: Uh, can you make a sentence?
LIGHTNING GUY: Look who's talking.
Because this e-mail is a total piece of DELETED!!
{Deletes the e-mail}
KICKCHEAT: Some people just don't know how to
LIGHTNING GUY: Write
send e-mails.
{A strong gust of wind blows KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up away}
STINKOMAN: WOAH!!!
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up fall down}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That was the best roller coaster ever!
LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because it was nothing like a roller coaster and he says stuff like this randomly and it's just terrible characterization. F--.
{The Liekand walks onscreen}
THE LIEKAND: Hi bozo's,
LIGHTNING GUY: Bozo was stupid the first time, and it's no less stupid now.
I mean gentlemen. Would you like some of the best stuff in the world?
KICKCHEAT: How much twisty?
LIGHTNING GUY: The number of twisty varies depending on how much I care.
THE LIEKAND: Fifty cents for a DVD.
KICKCHEAT: {Quickly} Okay, you got a deal!
LIGHTNING GUY: Why are you nervous? WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO BUY? TELL ME RIGHT NOW.
{Cut to a black screen that says "A few monents later". Cut to The Pink Cloud zone. KickCheat has a Garfield DVD,
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, I had to ask.
Strong Bad has a pair of gold oven mits, Homestar has a gross old wig, 1-Up has a baby raddle,
LIGHTNING GUY: Even most babies can spell that right.
The Cheat has a big knife and Stinkoman has a power crunch}
1-UP: Thanks doofus!
LIGHTNING GUY: I called my car salesman that. True story.NOXIGAR: Oh, I'd love to hear the story behind why Lightning Guy called a car salesman a doofus.But I might as well be driving gold.
{Short pause}
NOXIGAR: No, actually; I do want to hear the story behind that.
THE LIEKAND: Any time!
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walk offscreen}
THE LIEKAND: But little do they know, that they paid for eveything with their gold capsules! Hehe! Tampo will be pleased! The collision will happen soon!
LIGHTNING GUY: Who are you talking to?
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walking}
STINKOMAN: You keeping those capsules safe KickCheat?
LIGHTNING GUY: Safe KickCheatNOXIGAR: Awesome nameknows how to keep his capsules.
KICKCHEAT: Yes, the capsules are right.. {pauses}
STINKOMAN: Don't tell me you lost them!
KICKCHEAT: That salesman took them.
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: This is not good!
LIGHTNING GUY: really i thought it was great
KICKCHEAT: That salesman might have been one of Tampo's warriors!
LIGHTNING GUY: Master warriors.
STRONG BAD: We got to get those capsules back!
STINKOMAN: Uh, this place has saws and thunder clouds!
1-UP: PUDDING!! {Runs away}
KICKCHEAT: Don't go 1-Up! You might get hurt!
LIGHTNING GUY: I go "1-Up" all the time and nothing's ever happened to me! See? 1-Up! {an anvil falls on him}
{Cut to 1-Up running towards some pudding}
1-UP: PUDDING!!
LIGHTNING GUY: OH I GET IT NOW
{Starts to eat the pudding}
1-UP: Yum! This tastes like feet!
{A cage falls on him with The Liekand on top}
THE LIEKAND: Ho, Ho! I have quite the smarts! First, I steal their capsules, then I capture this guy!
1-UP: May I have some more pudding tornado man?
THE LIEKAND: You don't even realise that you have been trapped in a cage?
LIGHTNING GUY: You don't even realize that you spelled "realize"NOXIGAR: I'd say "No, that's just how the Brits spell it," until I realized that I've never seen "realise" before.wrong?
1-UP: Yes sir, I don't!
THE LIEKAND: Now I feel like capturing you wasn't worth it.
{1-Up falls asleep}
THE LIEKAND: Time to throw you off the clouds and give Tampo his capsules.
LIGHTNING GUY: Who are you talking to?
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner walking}
STRONG BAD: I can't believe 1-Up ran away for pudding.
KICKCHEAT: It explains why he's pudding brained.
LIGHTNING GUY: haha get it
STINKOMAN: Hey guys.
KICKCHEAT: Yeah?
STINKOMAN: Do we have the guts to get through this security stuff?
{Camera zooms out to show thunder clouds, saws, flying plugs and plug sockets}
KICKCHEAT: Actual guts, yes. Going through that heck,
LIGHTNING GUY: Going through that what?
mabye.
STINKOMAN: Well. It's time for a DOUBLE DEUCE!!!
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh great, another one.
{Stinkoman lunges at a flying plug, punches it, then falls to the ground. The flying plug flies away unharmed}
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That was one cool ball game!
LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think Homestar is with us anymore.HOMESTAR: Au contwaiwe, I'm with these heathens now.
NOXIGAR: Uh... it's a little late for me to pick up a guest riffer.
NOXIGAR: No, sounds like no one is fooled and everyone thinks I'm insane.
HOMESTAR: It's alwight. I suspect someone's gonna want you to do a WiffText Wedux in the neaw futuwe.
NOXIGAR: Actually, I'm fairly certain only JCM's shown actual appreciation for my, and Namine's, riffs.
HOMESTAR: Count me as youw second appweciatow.
NOXIGAR: Um, fine? I have two people that like RiffText, and one of them is a cartoon character? How does this help at all?
HOMESTAR: I'm still with you, awen't I?
NOXIGAR: I guess, although Briar's going to scream "Headmate!" and bash me in the head with a brick.
HOMESTAR: Sounds like a pewsonal attack.
STRONG BAD: Yeah, we just wasted ten seconds!
KICKCHEAT: And you just wasted ten more.
LIGHTNING GUY: You've all wasted thousands of seconds of my life that I can never get back.
STRONG BAD: Whatever.
LIGHTNING GUY: Never.
STINKOMAN: Come on guys!
KICKCHEAT: Okay bozo!
LIGHTNING GUY: I will freaking kill myself.NAMINE: Noxigar, are you sure it isn't alright if we just left RiffText's crap alone?I will freaking do it right now.
NOXIGAR: I will finish this and break the cycle of shitfuckery I have seen happen and helped cause, for years.
NOXIGAR: If I don't finish the riff, I'm no better than Lightning Guy.
NAMINE: I'm fairly certain you're becoming less healthy each riff. Look, we can just end RiffText: On Demand and you can just retire from riffing.
HOMESTAR: I'm actually in agweeance hewe, I think this is weally dumb. And pointless. Lightning Guy's a jewk. I can actually testify on this.
NOXIGAR:...I... I still...
HOMESTAR: You know we'we wight.
NAMINE: Phrasing.
HOMESTAR: You know we'we cowwect.
{Short pause}
STRONG BAD: {Looks up} Watch out for the wet walnuts, I mean thunder cloud!
{A thunder cloud foats over KickCheat and he dodges the bolt of lightning}
KICKCHEAT: Scary.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Take me out to the ball game!
LIGHTNING GUY: Shut up Homestar.HOMESTAR: No, you shut up, Lightning Guy!
STRONG BAD: Shut up Homestar!
LIGHTNING GUY: {takes off earrings} OK, I see how it's going down.
{Cut to The Liekand and a caged, sleeping 1-Up. A computer is beside The Liekand}
THE LIEKAND: Now to contact Tampo.
{The Liekand turns to the computer}
THE LIEKAND: Tornado to brainbot. I repeat. Tornado to Brainbot.
LIGHTNING GUY: Is using your real names that hard?
{Tampo appears on the computer screen}
TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} Yes The Liekand?
THE LIEKAND: I have caught 1-Up and got the stolen capsules from the 2006 people.
TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} Good jorb!
LIGHTNING GUY: According to my Tamp-2-English translator, he just said "Good jorb!", which doesn't make any more sense at all.
I will be coming up shortly.
THE LIEKAND: How long?
TAMPO: {Talking through the computer} About thirty minutes.
THE LIEKAND: Okay. Over!
LIGHTNING GUY: I see evolution is going backwards.NOXIGAR: It's funny because he hates anything backwards.
{The computer turns off}
THE LIEKAND: In half an hour. Those capsules will be safe from those 2006 people and 1-Up will be history!
LIGHTNING GUY: In half an hour. This dialogue will suck no less and I'll have to go through it all the same.
{Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner infront of a saw}
KICKCHEAT: So, how do we get past this thing?
STRONG BAD: I know how to get The Cheat across.
{Strong Bad kicks The Cheat over the saw}
LIGHTNING GUY: You know what's funnier than a kicked cheat?
STRONG BAD: And I and
LIGHTNING GUY: Yes you yes.
going to throw Homestar over.
{Strong Bad throws Homestar over the saw}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wheee!
STINKOMAN: Jump over saw deuce!
{Stinkoman jumps over the saw}
LIGHTNING GUY: OH I GET IT NOW
STRONG BAD: And I will throw KickCheat over.
{Strong Bad throws KickCheat over the saw}
KICKCHEAT: Watch it!
STRONG BAD: And I'm trapped over here.
KICKCHEAT: {Gets out his Lappy HC} No you're not.
LIGHTNING GUY: That rectangle to the rescue!
{The Lappy HC glows and Strong Bad disappears, then appears on the other side of the saw}
STRONG BAD: Nice touch.
STINKOMAN: That takes care of that part of the pink cloud zone. Now we have to cross evaporating clouds.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright!
STRONG BAD: This e-mail is getting worse.
LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think that's really possible at this point.
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar Runner walk to the evaporating clouds}
STINKOMAN: Life risking deuce!
{Stinkoman walks over the evaporating clouds. The clouds disappear after Stinkoman walks off one. The Camera zooms out to show Stinkoman at the other side}
LIGHTNING GUY: Anticlimax deuce!
STINKOMAN: Come on!
{KickCheat walks over the evaporating clouds. The clouds disappear after KickCheat walks off one}
KICKCHEAT: Almost there!
{Just as KickCheat makes it over, a rocket falls and destroys the evaporating clouds}
KICKCHEAT: Holy crap!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Look at those colors! They're beautiful! Oh my ears are bleeding too"
THE CHEAT: {Makes some The Cheat noises}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay!
{Homestar and The Cheat jump off the clouds}
STRONG BAD: Wait for me!
{Strong Bad jumps off the clouds}
KICKCHEAT: NOOOOOOO!
STINKOMAN: They will be fine. {Quietly} I hope.
KICKCHEAT: Anyway. We got some capsules to get back.
LIGHTNING GUY: You are never too cool for grammar. You are never too cool for anything.
STINKOMAN: Right.
{KickCheat and Stinkoman walk offscreen. Cut to The Liekand and a caged, sleeping 1-Up}
THE LIEKAND: Yes! Those 2006 people jumped off the edge!
KICKCHEAT: {Offscreen} Not all of them!
{Camera zooms out showing KickCheat and Stinkoman}
KICKCHEAT: You pretended to be a scamming salesman to get our capsules!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Pretend" is a strong word. I mean, he did convince you to get a Garfield DVD.HOMESTAR: He must not like Gawfield all that much.You did have to be convinced, didn't you? Didn't you?
NOXIGAR: To be fair, I hate it. I also hate Mondays, and assume Jim Davis' lawyers are all ninjas.
{Noxigar huffs}
NAMINE: The name "Garfield" is not automatically copyrighted. Nor is it that terrible a name, even if it were.
THE LIEKAND: Yeah. Now you will be blown away!
{A gust of wind sends KickCheat and Stinkoman flying offscreen}
LIGHTNING GUY: OH I Give up.
THE LIEKAND: Bye, bye nerds!
{1-Up wakes up}
1-UP: Huh?
{Looks at what is happening to Stinkoman and KickCheat}
1-UP: I got to do something.
{Looks down}
1-UP: Hey. A key.
LIGHTNING GUY: How convenient.
{1-Up opens the cage and jumps out}
1-UP: Hey twisty!!
LIGHTNING GUY: You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind.
THE LIEKAND: Wha..?
{1-Up kicks The Liekand in the face. The wind stops and Stinkoman and KickCheat fall down}
THE LIEKAND: Owie! You hurt me!
LIGHTNING GUY: You'd think a raging tornado could tolerate that kind of pain.
1-UP: Ya-ta!
{1-Up kicks The Liekand in the face hard.
LIGHTNING GUY: HARD
Three gold capsules come out of him}
KICKCHEAT: I'll get the capsules!
{KickCheat catchhes the capsules and puts them away}
1-UP: Tell me what you are doing with the capsules.
THE LIEKAND: Never!
1-UP: Time for a kick?
THE LIEKAND: Okay, okay!
LIGHTNING GUY: "Why should I make these conflicts difficult for the heroes to resolve when I can just cut the work in half by making the villians complete sissies?"
Tampo wants to use the power of the capsules to cause a collision with the moon. Then before the the moon collides with earth. He will escape with Brody and Stlunko to Mars.
1-UP: Okay.
{1-Up kicks The Liekand into the cage and locks it}
THE LIEKAND: It doesn't matter if you lock me in here! Tampo will be here soon.
LIGHTNING GUY: "Then you'll be sorry! O-or not. Whatever works for you."
KICKCHEAT: Uh oh! Jumping off the clouds time!
{Before KickCheat, 1-Up and Stinkoman can jump off the clouds, Tampo appears}
TAMPO: My new warping system works!
KICKCHEAT: {Quietly} Let's sneak away.
STINKOMAN: {Quietly} Okay.
{KickCheat, 1-Up and Stinkoman sneak towards the edge of the clouds}
TAMPO: So The Lie..huh?
THE LIEKAND: Um, hi Tampo.
TAMPO: Okay. Someone here has been watching CSI. What are doing in that cage?
LIGHTNING GUY: I don't know. When are learning to speak right?
THE LIEKAND: Behind you.
{KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up jump off the edge of the clouds. Tampo turns around}
TAMPO: I see nothing.
THE LIEKAND: You're to late you big bucket of bolts! Those 2006 people took the capsules!
TAMPO: Crap! Well, thanks for nothing stupid!
LIGHTNING GUY: I think he did a lot of things stupid.
THE LIEKAND: Anytime!
{Tampo disappears. Cut to KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up falling}
KICKCHEAT: Where ever we fall. We fall to the others.
STINKOMAN: Righ.
LIGHTNING GUY: Wron.
{KickCheat, Stinkoman and 1-Up fall to the Ice zone}
KICKCHEAT: I didn't know the North pole acually exists.
STINKOMAN: Well, you do now.
{Strong Bad, The Cheat and Homestar walk onscreen}
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, he was righ. Why aren't I surprised?
STRONG BAD: Hey guys.
KICKCHEAT: So you guys landed here.
STRONG BAD: Yeah. Did you get the capsules back?
KICKCHEAT: We did. 1-Up saved our lives.
1-UP: I'm now the guy!
STINKOMAN: No you're not.
1-UP: Darn!
LIGHTNING GUY: The action never stops!HOMESTAR: You didn't bold and italicize the entiwe action, so how does it evew stop?
KICKCHEAT: Fourth capsule here we come!
{KickCheat, Stinkoman, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner and 1-Up walk offscreen. Cut to Tampo's lair}
TAMPO: Argh! I failed again!
BRODY: The Liekand almost had em.
TAMPO: Almost! Almost means we failed!
BRODY: Okay brainbot.
LIGHTNING GUY: He is okay, but I wouldn't call him a robot.
TAMPO: Stlunko. Where are they now?
STLUNKO: The Ice zone sir.
LIGHTNING GUY: Yes, he was such a gentleman!
They might freeze to square there.
TAMPO: Exelent! I shall destroy the world now! Muhahahaha!
{The paper comes down}
TAMPO: Wait. I'm not done. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
BRODY: {Interups Tampo} That's good enough Tampo!
TAMPO: Don't you interupt me!
BRODY: Sorry bozo.
LIGHTNING GUY: THAT'S IT GET THE GUNS
TAMPO: Don't you dare call me bozo either!
LIGHTNING GUY: Why don't we all just agree to never call anyone bozo ever again.HOMESTAR: But how else do I descwibe you, Lightning Guy? You'we nothin' but a bozo!Please.
STLUNKO: The e-mail is over. Can we all shut up?
TAMPO: Okay.
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, now who's taking the orders? Suck on that, caste system!
